Help And Advice Please

[Khalsa_Girl_1]

also to all the people who have implied that i would not be looking after, or would be abandoning his mother in a care home, must not have read the original post properly, as i clearly said that i thought it a good compromise to live nearby and visit his mother everyday. i fail to see how that is not looking after her?

Ermm.. Quite honestly penji...living right next door ISN'T even properly taking care of her. When you're old, your body is very unpredictable, so I'm sorry. I completely disagree with you here. Taking care of her is taking care of her...not living in another house, while she could (God forbid) be in pain, or couldn't move. She lost her husband, so please put yourself in her shoes and think about what is important. She will live a safer, healthier and better life if she is going to live with you.

- She's not young, and she will need help at random times. Perhaps she couldn't reach the phone or whatever..

- Even if you lived right next door..suppose she (God forbid) trips/falls/gets dizzy, you won't know. So what's the use of living right beside her, let alone around the street.......................???

- Would you like it if your mom wasn't being looked after properly?

*The best you can do is to live alone with your (future) husband and mother-in-law for now...and when your (future) sister(s)-in-law all get married, one can take your mother-in-law with her, OR you take her in your home.*

You're on a Sikhi forum, so I'm gonna have to point out....Guru jis have taught us to respect our parents, AND if you're not going to agree to have your mother-in-law live with you because you want to be alone, that IS being selfish...which is disrespectful.

Again.. Would you want your mother living alone, or would you want your mother and (possible) sister-in-law to not come to an agreement about such an important matter?

If he doesn't have a father anymore, it makes sense why he's considering having his mom live with you guys.

In this situation, I honestly believe you should put aside your personal desires. And man...I KNOW that if I were to get married, I would..

- make sure the guy doesn't have the responsibility of taking care of his parents waaaaaaaay ahead of time (as soon as one would sense/feel the compatibility)

OR

- make sure I have an excellent and close/open relationship with the parents-in-law if I were to live with them

AND

- compromise with him and his mother if this situation ever came up (meaning I would agree with them)

If you have a great relationship with her, I fail to understand why this situation is a problem for you.......

It's seva, man. Honestly.. If you love ...(even) like him, you would be willing to compromise.

When you are married, you are one. His parent(s) become(s) your parent(s). Yours become his. His sisters/brothers/cousins/aunts/uncles, etc are all yours as well. So when you're thinking of his mother, you should not think about having to take care of his mother..but instead your mother. So please picture your mother in the same situation.

Here, I will have to point out that I really DO believe you are being selfish.

If he, himself, agreed with you earlier on that you would without your parents-in-law...and now he's saying that he can't..that he has to live with his mom...that obviouslyyyyyyy means this wasn't his plan either.

Therefore, I think you need to be a little less selfish at the moment.

Think about it penji.... He is her creation. Why not cherish the opportunity of living with the one who gave birth to the man you have come to love, and see as a great man.

[AmarjitKaur]

Sometimes, I think we really spoil our future and present by thinking too much about the future.

What can I say??

Mother is a parent, agreed. Should be respected, agreed. babaji's sent soul, agreed. seva of parents, agreed.

But I do disagree on spoiling a good relationship because of parents who love us. If parents really love their kids, they would love and set the kid free and not impose that marry this girl only if she agrees to keep us in the house. That is blackmailing the kids. I may be wrong.

Now, I have 2 boys, very little yet. but when I think about my future now, I don't think I wanna tie them to me. Man, I raised them with babaji's grace, but I am not going to put limits on their future because of me. a girl, who would marry, she is also leaving her parents behind, she won't bring them with her, and then why our society demands that parents of boy should be taken care of , but girl's parents would stay with her son (if they have any son) or will live alone.

Have our society reached to the point, that boys are by their heart, ready to accept another set of parents as well as their own. I can tell you, 90% of the boys won't agree to that. Then they will tell you what indian culture is. SIKHISM gets forgotton at the point and culture is remembered. Girl didn't fall off the trees either, she was born to parents too, and she was cared for as well and raised as well, given educatin as well by parents as did the boys from their parents. Why our society has double standards??

Girl's parents don't need care, are not they souls sent from GOD, doesn't sikhi say for them to be cared for. But somehow those parents (of the girl), don't keep expectations from their daughter, but the boys parents from day one, start dreaming that they will be taken care of by their sons and their wives.

I don't have question for one single person. I have question for whole society. WHY DOUBLE STANDARDS??

Answer me this one, then I would agree that a girl should accept boy's parents happily if boy agrees to take care of girl's parents happily.

So solution for this girl on hand, is sit with this boy, tell him that I want my parents to move in with me, after 5 years (whatever time liimit, whenever your dad or mom retires, as your parents don't wanna live with their son if they have any, they love me so much, they wanna be close to me), and then check how deep the waters are. If boy agrees, (possibly get it written somewhere), then go ahead, say yes to him to have his mother live with you. But if he says no, then you know he is one of those 90% people who play double standards.

Sorry, if I am going to cause any trouble by suggesting this, but our society do need a reality check.

[Papi]

a girl should accept boy's parents happily if boy agrees to take care of girl's parents happily.

WAH!!!

[Guest sikhs]

It's weird because when you're old and lonely you'll be praying for people to want to be around you. The woman's husband died and she probably loves her son to death so I don't see the problem. In my experience children who grow up with grandparents around all the time turn out so much better because they have the constant love of an elder.

My gran lived with us for a few years when we were younger and when she went to live somewhere else my life just wasn't the same. I liked being around her more than my parents because they were always stressed with work and each other. You and your husband will have plenty of alone time and the woman isn't gonna stop you from going on nights out etc. With a mum in law you've got a part time (if not full time) nanny, cook, cleaner and when things get lonely- which they will at times- friend. Trust me, unless shes a really abd person, you've got it good- just don't treat her like <banned word filter activated> and things should be fine.