Beards, Bow Ties And Dates

[rrss]

I'm sorry if this is a frivolous question; I am not very fussed with personal appearances other than looking clean and presentable, but I have to attend a very formal black tie event (complete with ballroom dancing) and don't want to hurt anyone's sentiments. Indeed evening social events are not my thing but I can't back out of this.

1. What is the etiquette for Sikh men with long beards which would completely hide a bow tie? I can't modify my beard to suit. Should one wear a necktie instead?

2. Second, I'm expected to bring along a date. Being unmarried, I don't date and don't like to socialise with girls, I'd much rather be meditating at home. I do however have an unmarried friend who is willing to tag along for the entertainment. If it's clear that it's not a date between us and I have no feelings of lust, would I be considered a hypocrite as I challenge those who do date? My friend is not into Sikhi, knowing her she would wear something too revealing for my liking.That would make me uncomfortable, nor would I want to be caught up in a photograph for posterity. What would be a diplomatic way of asking her to wear something more modest? If I choose not to take a date- any suggestions as to how to prevent myself from being ridiculed in the patriarchal conformist environment in which I find myself?

Living in a (Western) society where modesty is not the norm and one is expected to conform or be ridiculed, the onus is on me to not hurt other people's sentiments, whilst still maintaining my values and principles and internal happiness. Help?

[kullykhalsa]

Sounds fine seriously sometimes you have to attend events we arent alive to sit in a cave and mediatate all day every day.

Tell your friend its a posh bash and she should wear something classy not revealing be straight up with her. As for the bow tie problem either were a bow tie dnt worry about he dhari hiding it or wear a cravat instead if you have a jacket that complements it!

[VanHelsingh]

Not sure if the OP is being serious. The user-name 'rrss' (or RSS) is ringing bells. Stuff like:

...nor would I want to be caught up in a photograph for posterity. What would be a diplomatic way of asking her to wear something more modest? If I choose not to take a date- any suggestions as to how to prevent myself from being ridiculed in the patriarchal conformist environment in which I find myself?

and...

I'd much rather be meditating at home.

Either you're being deadly serious (and I apologise) or you're pulling our collective leg.

[rrss]

Sounds fine seriously sometimes you have to attend events we arent alive to sit in a cave and mediatate all day every day.

Tell your friend its a posh bash and she should wear something classy not revealing be straight up with her. As for the bow tie problem either were a bow tie dnt worry about he dhari hiding it or wear a cravat instead if you have a jacket that complements it!

Thank you for your thoughts. A cravat is a splendid idea.

Not sure if the OP is being serious. The user-name 'rrss' (or RSS) is ringing bells. Stuff like:

Either you're being deadly serious (and I apologise) or you're pulling our collective leg for which I applaud such a funny post.

This is indeed a serious matter. I did apologise in advance if this were to be perceived as being frivolous; I stated the reasons for this. I typically distance myself from activities like this and have managed to avoid attendance at such an event thus far, and therefore lack the experience in dealing with it. In a highly competitive work atmosphere, where the majority are from wealthy elite and liberal backgrounds, small variances from social conventions are frowned upon and can unnecessarily cause one to stick out like a sore thumb.

If I brought a smile to someone's face through unintentional humour, then I'm glad to be of service.

[VanHelsingh]

I'm not sure whether I'm amused or I feel like I'm being taken for a fool, hence my edited post. I suppose time will tell.

[rrss]

Another question if this is appropriate to place on this thread- being a new user on this website, I'm unfamiliar with username conventions. I see that several people have abbreviated my username to an uncomfortable 'RSS' instead of my initials. Should I change this or is this just banter from other users?

[Guest not logged in Singh]

Go with a full flowing dharaa and neck tie.

Forget the date bit and let them work it out for themselves.

Show your face/meet/greet people you need to and get out of there asap. i.e. - keeping a low profile but doing enough to secure acknowledgement from the people who invited you.

Its far from a comfortable environment for a practicing Singh.

Accept the ridiculing as long as it isn't in your presence.

Its not an easy keeping people happy as Ultimately its SatGuroo Jee's kushee that needs to be upheld

[rrss]

Thanks Veerji, I appreciate your thoughts. This is what my instinct tells me to do and its reassuring to hear from others with greater experience in these matters. I agree wholeheartedly that it's Gurujis khushee that needs to be upheld, but one cannot appear to be an obnoxious person- I like how you word it 'keeping a low profile but doing enough to secure acknowledgement from the people who invited you.'

[buddasingh]

In a highly competitive work atmosphere, where the majority are from wealthy elite and liberal backgrounds, small variances from social conventions are frowned upon and can unnecessarily cause one to stick out like a sore thumb.

Extend yourself only to the extent you can still be yourself. When I have been amongst wealthy elite, I have been very much myself, rubbing a few people the wrong way and being appreciated by the vast majority who hate thier own imprisonment of social conventions. Don't start jumping on tables, but whatever you wear be yourself and carry yourself with comfortable confidence. The vast majority of people are scared of themselves and others as they are worry about conventions. In any society, the wealthier people get, the harder they try, the more self conscious they become. Be yourself and be very human, very social, if it includes humour and a smile, all the better. You will be a magnet amongst a socially downtrodden bunch of wealthy stiff nerds.

As for the date, are you sure that you are "expected to bring a date"? In this day and age it sounds very odd that it would be a strict expectation. You may be mistaken as to this as a requirement. There are many many people who at a given point in time are not dating and they don't just go to a bar and find a date....that's a misguided bollywood and punjab portrayal of white people.

The following suggestions, do only if you are comfortable, if you can not do this with complete confidence and comfort, then don't. Bring your friend along and introduce her as a "not my date, but a respected friend". Alternatively, I would put a kajoor in my pocket and if someone asked, i'd say of course i brought a date and show them. Pity the fool who takes any offence to that. The h* with convention. Yes i have basically done stuff along these lines. So many ways to handle this. You can simply say, might be unconventional in your world, but I don't date. etc. etc. The main point is you are comfortable in your skin. If seating for dinner is set up for pairs, put the kajoor on the chair beside you. Most of the men might worry if their date will leave with you by the end of the night.

Another thing you have to be willing to accept if you do the above is the consequences. At times they are very positive in that you end up far more respected. It is also possible that you make it clear that you are too real for people around you and you end up with what the norm would consider "negative" consequences. You may be ostracized by them, but if you're strong enough you'll feel amazingly powerful and popular. I've lost many opportunities to be richer and sadder...and the doors that open up allow you to rule the world.

Kudos to my tidy Sikh bros/sis who handle this type of stuff with more social graces than I would and therefore make bridges for all of us with influence. But for me, I am the wealthy elite without a dollar in my pocket. At parties and those around me need to worry whether they should be more like me. Good luck bro, take from this only what you can handle. you sound like you're going to do just fine.

[fightingsingh]

In a highly competitive work atmosphere, where the majority are from wealthy elite and liberal backgrounds, small variances from social conventions are frowned upon and can unnecessarily cause one to stick out like a sore thumb.

Extend yourself only to the extent you can still be yourself. When I have been amongst wealthy elite, I have been very much myself, rubbing a few people the wrong way and being appreciated by the vast majority who hate thier own imprisonment of social conventions. Don't start jumping on tables, but whatever you wear be yourself and carry yourself with comfortable confidence. The vast majority of people are scared of themselves and others as they are worry about conventions. In any society, the wealthier people get, the harder they try, the more self conscious they become. Be yourself and be very human, very social, if it includes humour and a smile, all the better. You will be a magnet amongst a socially downtrodden bunch of wealthy stiff nerds.

As for the date, are you sure that you are "expected to bring a date"? In this day and age it sounds very odd that it would be a strict expectation. You may be mistaken as to this as a requirement. There are many many people who at a given point in time are not dating and they don't just go to a bar and find a date....that's a misguided bollywood and punjab portrayal of white people.

The following suggestions, do only if you are comfortable, if you can not do this with complete confidence and comfort, then don't. Bring your friend along and introduce her as a "not my date, but a respected friend". Alternatively, I would put a kajoor in my pocket and if someone asked, i'd say of course i brought a date and show them. Pity the fool who takes any offence to that. The h* with convention. Yes i have basically done stuff along these lines. So many ways to handle this. You can simply say, might be unconventional in your world, but I don't date. etc. etc. The main point is you are comfortable in your skin. If seating for dinner is set up for pairs, put the kajoor on the chair beside you. Most of the men might worry if their date will leave with you by the end of the night.

Another thing you have to be willing to accept if you do the above is the consequences. At times they are very positive in that you end up far more respected. It is also possible that you make it clear that you are too real for people around you and you end up with what the norm would consider "negative" consequences. You may be ostracized by them, but if you're strong enough you'll feel amazingly powerful and popular. I've lost many opportunities to be richer and sadder...and the doors that open up allow you to rule the world.

Kudos to my tidy Sikh bros/sis who handle this type of stuff with more social graces than I would and therefore make bridges for all of us with influence. But for me, I am the wealthy elite without a dollar in my pocket. At parties and those around me need to worry whether they should be more like me. Good luck bro, take from this only what you can handle. you sound like you're going to do just fine.

I like your attitude. There is an interesting balance confirming to cultural trends whilst also maintaining individuality and a sense of confidence in ones own skin.