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Sadi sangat ji. I hav been having almost daily hour long calls wit a friend suffering 2much. B4 you accuse and abuse . I wil explain. He is interested in her 4purposes of marriage. She too after many years of bad luci on relationss and sleeping around. He is madly in lov but cannot overcome this issue of sleeping around so much. . . So is she on him i think. Wo sikhi advice can i giv to the brother, shud he 4giv? Look elsewher? .thanks in the advancing

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If he chooses to forgive her past and goes ahead and marries her, the most important thing is that from that day onwards, they both remain committed and faithful to one another. If he feels that she is able to be loyal and faithful to him after marriage, then he should think about whether he can forgive her past deeds.

It would be a bad idea for him to rush his decision, marry her and then still resent her inside for her past, as I'm sure it will always play on his mind and he will be unable to fully trust her and most likely would always use her past as ammunition during arguments about other things. Trust, loyalty, open communication and being faithful to one another is the foundation of any successful marriage so he needs to think long and hard about whether he can forgive her for this.

Forgiveness is a tricky issue. On the one hand, it's good to be able to overlook someone's past mistakes from their youth, a time when they were naive and misguided. On the other hand, sometimes some people are just unable to forgive certain things (ie. promiscuity) especially if they were not like that themselves. It all depends on the individuals involved and whether or not they have now repented and learned the error of their ways. We have all made mistakes and done things we are not proud of and usually the only thing standing between us and forgiveness is our big, fat ego. A person who is able to forgive is truly blessed. Pride, duality and ego prevent us from being able to forgive one another.

On Ang 1372 Bhagat Kabir Ji says the following:

ਕਬੀਰਾ ਜਹਾ ਗਿਆਨੁ ਤਹ ਧਰਮੁ ਹੈ ਜਹਾ ਝੂਠੁ ਤਹ ਪਾਪੁ

Kabeeraa Jehaa Giaan Theh Dhharam Hai Jehaa Jhooth Theh Paap ||

Kabeer, where there is spiritual wisdom, there is righteousness and Dharma. Where there is falsehood, there is sin.

ਜਹਾ ਲੋਭੁ ਤਹ ਕਾਲੁ ਹੈ ਜਹਾ ਖਿਮਾ ਤਹ ਆਪਿ ੧੫੫

Jehaa Lobh Theh Kaal Hai Jehaa Khimaa Theh Aap ||155||

Where there is greed, there is death. Where there is forgiveness, there is God Himself. ||155||

ਕਬੀਰ ਮਾਇਆ ਤਜੀ ਕਿਆ ਭਇਆ ਜਉ ਮਾਨੁ ਤਜਿਆ ਨਹੀ ਜਾਇ

Kabeer Maaeiaa Thajee Th Kiaa Bhaeiaa Jo Maan Thajiaa Nehee Jaae ||

Kabeer, what good is it to give up Maya, if the mortal does not give up his pride?

ਮਾਨ ਮੁਨੀ ਮੁਨਿਵਰ ਗਲੇ ਮਾਨੁ ਸਭੈ ਕਉ ਖਾਇ ੧੫੬

Maan Munee Munivar Galae Maan Sabhai Ko Khaae ||156||

Even the silent sages and seers are destroyed by pride; pride eats up everything. ||156||

On Ang 223 Guru Nanak Dev Ji says:

ਖਿਮਾ ਗਹੀ ਬ੍ਰਤੁ ਸੀਲ ਸੰਤੋਖੰ

Khimaa Gehee Brath Seel Santhokhan ||

To practice forgiveness is the true fast, good conduct and contentment.

Also, on Ang 343 Bhagat Kabir Ji says:

ਬਿਨੁ ਪਰਚੈ ਨਹੀ ਥਿਰਾ ਰਹਾਇ

Bin Parachai Nehee Thhiraa Rehaae ||

Without enlightenment, the body does not remain steady.

ਦੁਬਿਧਾ ਮੇਟਿ ਖਿਮਾ ਗਹਿ ਰਹਹੁ

Dhubidhhaa Maett Khimaa Gehi Rehahu ||

So erase your duality and hold tight to forgiveness,

ਕਰਮ ਰਮ ਕੀ ਸੂਲ ਸਹਹੁ

Karam Dhharam Kee Sool N Sehahu ||7||

And you will not have to endure the torture of karma or religious rituals. ||7||

At the end of the day, you can give your friend all the advice you want, but the main thing is that he needs to determine if he can forgive her past actions and move forward with his life and build a future together with her or not. If he is unable to forgive, it's best for him to cut contact with her and save them both future heartache.

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Thankyov so much 4 taking the time 2read the dilemma and see the deeper part of the thing in hand. The advice is so tru . Ego is the thing always in our path. :( stoppin us being tru. To the other post i think you can now see love trust forgiveness relationships ego have everything to do with sikhi . Dont be so kwik to judge. This post is under a section called Relations ! Lol

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Never get married to a girl who has slept around... At the end of the day..it;s not bad luck in relationships as stated in the original post..she simply has no control over her Kaam and made consious decisions to sleep around no-one forced her to do it. Can your friend live with the stigma and social issues caused by peoples past relationships and " skeletons in the closet" ... Imagine this...you go to a family function ..wedding for example ..and your wife is known to have slept with half the guys in the venue... Ok that is an extreme example..but you get the picture word gets around..reputations stick...your past doesn't go away,..

Furthermore is this the sort of mother you potentially want bringing up your future children..what sort of ethics and morals has such a person got... Yes this post is judgemental..but lets not be politically correct here...say it how it is..

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Thank fors the tru honesty. These R the main things in his mind also on the past drag up sum not nice things that might spoil things for the togetherness of it all. On the other hand in 20years time who will care? We'll be gone from this duniaa ther won't even be any record of us. I am trying to just listen and tho i think he shud jus 4giv and 4get. Is ther any sense in marrying a diff person u don't love as much ... How about not inviting 2many ppl 2wedding to reduce the stigma? Lol

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Once you know that your partner has slept around, it will always sting you , even after years of marriage. We are humans, we get jealous, we get possessive, we feel weak all the time, our mind doesn't stay positive and forgiving forever, there will be times when past will be brought up , its better when you dont know about someones past, you can start off fresh, but it also depends on your bro, wts his comfort level , if he has slept around he might feel comfortable, but if he has stuck around with one girl it will be extremely difficult for him, trust me i have gone through this myself, thats why i felt obliged to post, it hurts like hell and punches in the gut when you find out abt ur partners past, i wish i never knew her past.

Dont marry her!!!!! it will hurt in future, forget the morals, our human psyche is fragile , so its better to be safe than sorry

people say forgive all the time , but only person who can truly forgive is the one who has himslef realized the truth that these relations are all illusions, but for us neech humans its difficult to forgive, with time you may forget but it might stay there all the time.

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@luckysingh99 before stating that some issues are not gurmat to discuss maybe you should open up your mind, you are not a jathedar or such a gurmukh that you can make such sweeping statements

Sikhi is a way of life and as such has an important part to play in everyones life and everyone should take instruction from Waheguru never be afraid to ask your guru a question!

as for the sleeping around bit its all about whether you can accept it or not, if you cant than forget having a relationship, if you can you must make sure to start from a clean slate

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@luckysingh99 before stating that some issues are not gurmat to discuss maybe you should open up your mind, you are not a jathedar or such a gurmukh that you can make such sweeping statements

Sikhi is a way of life and as such has an important part to play in everyones life and everyone should take instruction from Waheguru never be afraid to ask your guru a question!

as for the sleeping around bit its all about whether you can accept it or not, if you cant than forget having a relationship, if you can you must make sure to start from a clean slate

I am not dictating the choice or whether it's right or wrong.

My comment is based on the fact that you are asking a question on a sikh forum that has nothing to do with sikhi !!

The question is about relationships, promiscuity and the effects. This is an answer you get from 'dear deidre' in the Mirror newspaper!

No need to be offended by my statement.

If you had a problem with heroin withdrawal then i would advise you go see a doctor and specialist in rehabilitation, it would be no good telling you the wrong and damage done (which you would already know!) and what a mess your in on a sikh forum would it ??

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the fact your comparing the two shows the bubble of a world you live in

anyone can post on these forums and if they require help then they should be given it, if you gave a heroin addict the advice go see a doctor thats brilliant but if someone else gave them the advice of seeking help through putting their all in gurbani or mabe a shabad that explained things better to them thats not bad advice

this entire world can be explained by sikhi so why choose to not have bits and only have the bits you feel comfortable with!

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I don't see what the issue with the original post is and think it's a very valid topic, essentially the poster is asking for advice on forgiveness from a Sikhi point of view- which would most likely be backed up with gurmat and Gurbani.

It's not really about the rights and wrongs of pre-marital relationships or promiscuity, as the person concerned already knows about that, hence their concerns about getting married to someone who has been promiscuous in the past.

The main issue innergear is asking for advice about is forgiveness and there are lots of examples of forgiveness that we can learn from in Gurbani, in sakhian and from the lives of our Gurus and other Sikhs of their times and also the present time.

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This topic has and is effectin sikhs so that shud be enuf said . On that . But also think if we all thought no stay away 4m such girls or guyss then we mite then ther risk losing these ppl to other religions. Our sikhi shud b strong enuf to cope with past of a partner. It seems like everyone these days has a past. I not sayin anythin is ok. Just that shud this bro say no to move on to a next person wit almost the same stuff! Or guyss here wil say marry a virgin tha u don't really like just cos she is a virgin type.

An thanx 4sharin the personal exp of life, it helps to c wo happene

This topic has and is effectin sikhs so that shud be enuf said . On that . But also think if we all thought no stay away 4m such girls or guyss then we mite then ther risk losing these ppl to other religions. Our sikhi shud b strong enuf to cope with past of a partner. It seems like everyone these days has a past. I not sayin anythin is ok. Just that shud this bro say no to move on to a next person wit almost the same stuff! Or guyss here wil say marry a virgin tha u don't really like just cos she is a virgin type.

An thanx 4sharin the personal exp of life, it helps to c wo happene

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