Committed A Bujer Kurehit........depressed And Full Of Guilt.

[Guest GuptMadness]

Sangat Ji,

I am sharing my feelings with you for two reasons, the first, I want you to avoid making the same mistakes that I made, secondly I need to lighten my heart which is very heavy with sadness and regret.

I am in my mid 30's, growing up I was the typical punjabi kid who enjoyed a good time. I started smoking and drinking when i was 16 and continued for about 13 years. I attempted many times to stop smoking but could not. I always beleived in god and always felt guilty when i went to the gurdwara. About 6 years ago, Guru Sahib blessed my jeevan and i began to do japji sahib paath. Slowly my life began to change and i stopped cutting my hair and stopped the nasha and meat. About 5 years ago I was blessed with Amrit which was the best day of my life. I still remember the incredible high that i had.

Over the past 5 years, my health has gradually declined. I have lost a great deal of weight. I spent a lot of money and met numerous homeopathic and medical doctors in an attempt to fix my issues. I never lost faith in guru sahib.

A few months ago i ended up having surgery. Prior to the surgery, i stipulated that no hair was to be removed. However, when i awoke after the surgery, i noticed that they had shaved the surgery area. I was devasted. My recovery has been slow and painful. I have had other issues in my family to cope with too and i slowly slipped into depression.

People would sympathise with me and some family member would say "when you used to eat and drink you were a gabroo, you were so healthy and strong" i heard this a few times and i began to think about this, they were right. My mind began to remind my of this i slowly started to remember the life i had left behind.

I asked my dr what i could do to put on weight, he said that i should consider eating eggs since my condition didn't allow me to digest most foods. I thought about it for a while, my parents were encouraging me, people were saying that eggs were no different to milk, that in the west eggs are not sterilised and are regarded as vegetarian.

I ended up eating eggs on a few occassions and found that i could not digest them too. I was heading downwards and found myself thinking about smoking again. I can't describe the feeling, it's almost as when kaam takes its full control of you and you think that your mind is goign to explode. I tried to reason with myself, i was hugely upset that the idea had even come into my mind. This made me even more depressed. I used to be so proud that guru sahib had stopped me smoking i was so sure that i would never smoke again.

One fateful day a while back, i made the biggest mistake of my life. I cannot explain what happened. When i think back, it doesn't seem that it was me, as if someone had taken control over me. I smoked 2 cigarettes. Disgusting. Disgusted.

I am ashamed. I have spiralled into depression but am resisting taking any medication. I have had suicidal thoughts. Everytime i see someone smoke, it brings the moment back and i FEAR that i will make the same mistake again. I cannot afford to do this again. I will lose eveything. I have do ardas all the time. I beg for guru sahib to forgive me. I don't know whether he will, i don't feel i deserve his forgiveness. My stomach is in a constant knot and my heart beats hard all the time.

I plan on going to the next Amrit Sinchaar but am terrifed at facing the panj and explaining myself. Will they forgive me? If they do and make me retake amrit again.....what if i make the same mistake again and again?

Sangat ji, please do not make the same mistakes as i have made. Do not turn away from guru sahib, there is only dukh. During hard times look out for each other and support each other in rehit. Unfortunatly, i didn't have anyone that was able to support me through my hard time.

Please do ardas to Guru Gobind Singh for me and ask him to forgive me and please ask him to protect me from the vices in future.

Waheguru.

[Guest Guest]

Waheguru ji ka khalsa

Waheguru ji ki fateh

Regret is the first step to recovery.

I think you lacked good company (Saadh Sangat+Gursikhs) which has brought your downfall.

Are you single ?

Then being lonely has also played a big part in your present day suffering.

If single then get married have kids opt for a normal life to escape past bad karma.

And don't worry about what Punj Piyaras just go for Pesh.

Trust me they are blessed and can hear even worse confessions.

Waheguru ji ka khalsa

Waheguru ji ki fateh

[Guest ForguveUs]

Fateh,

Everyone makes mistakes may Dhan Guru Granth Sahib jee help us all.

Maharaj kirpa karan that they can forgive us sinners, have faith, maharaj will bless you with pesh and you can come out of it even stronger.

That person, whom my Lord and Master blesses with His Name - his entire account is forgiven. ||2||

jis no naam dhaee maeraa suaamee this laekhaa sabh shaddaaveeai rae |2|

[Guest GuptMadness]

I am married and have a family, but we do not have much sangat. Both our families aren't amritdhari and don't really follow gurmat. My wife was having issues at the same time and we did not support each other. Instead we reinforced negative thoughts and went towards vikaars. I want to go pesh but the wife is hesitant.

[AkaliNihung]

gurmukho guru sahib kirpa rakhan,both the messages above me are soo good ....bilkul tension na lavo ......... pesh ho javo

im one thousand perc sure guru sahib has forgiven u because u regretted .... be free

and if u want we both can talk on the phone,u can mail me your number ill call you,if u like ...

baki sareey tension nu sutto the kuch ravo,jo ho gaya so ho gaya ....

if u are depressed guru sahib will never be happy .......

[Guest Guest]

I am married and have a family, but we do not have much sangat. Both our families aren't amritdhari and don't really follow gurmat. My wife was having issues at the same time and we did not support each other. Instead we reinforced negative thoughts and went towards vikaars. I want to go pesh but the wife is hesitant.

Waheguru ji ka khalsa

Waheguru ji ki fateh

If you don't have kids then you should !

Life without kids lead to boredom in marriage.

Accept the fact that you are not a teenager, don't take health for granted.

Do Seva, join Keertan, Gatka or Gurbani Santhiya class.

Change your lifestyle.

Waheguru ji ka khalsa

Waheguru ji ki fateh

[Guest GuptMadness]

Many thanks to you that have posted in reply, your encouraging words mean a lot to me. Hopefully with your ardas i can get over this dark time.

AkaliNihung please check your messages AG51.

Waheguru.

[GKaur1315]

Good luck and God bless

[Guest Sunny]

Can smokers do japji sahib?

[savinderpalsingh]

no thats a kureith , not after smoke aleast 2-3 days without smokin