Abusive Father In Law

[Guest Anonymous]

I'm in a 6 years marriage. I have a toddler. My father in law loves his drink. Beside the point sober or not. He likes to mentally abuse me. He keeps repeatedly telling me his son had all these fantastic prospect of marriages. That I should leave this house. That I don't respect him when it's me does all his cooking and cleaning. Whilst his wife does nothing for him. Yet he tells me that his son can get 100 girls like me. He tells me that I don't know how to speak. I want out but my maternal side is to busy thinking of them still. Help

[sikhiseeker]

WJKK WJKF,

What a horrible position to be put in, im so sorry to hear the way your being treated sister.

I think you should talk to your husband about the issue with your father inlaw if you already haven't. Maybe you should try and come from the angle of actually not blaming him for your father-in-law's actions and having an argument with him, however stating that your not happy at the things being said. Really it comes down to the relationship you have with your husband, if you both are happy together, you should tell him to instruct his father he's happy with the outcome of his arranged marriage or love marriage and basically back off.

The thing is in marriage realistically, nothing's perfect! We have to build a foundation based on respect for one another, thats probably the most important thing. That the husband and wife are singing from the same hymn page. Your husband should realise that it is not the first year of marriage, it's actually your sixth, so he should realise that your not happy in a situation within the family. If your still living with your inlaws maybe you could suggest moving and getting your own house.

This is the problem in many houses across the community, no support or sound counciling from family members on both sides.

In this situation, dont forget god. As Akal purakh is the only support what is there constant in whatever situation. So, just talk to waheguru in your mind and ask for some guidance and help. He will her your call.

Also, I am in no way a professional in giving advice, but I cannot not reply to your plead as a Sikh. So stay strong, concentrate on the good things of your marriage like you toddler and try and work this out with your husband! Also remember waheguru!

WJKK WJKF

[singhbj singh]

I'm in a 6 years marriage. I have a toddler. My father in law loves his drink. Beside the point sober or not. He likes to mentally abuse me. He keeps repeatedly telling me his son had all these fantastic prospect of marriages. That I should leave this house. That I don't respect him when it's me does all his cooking and cleaning. Whilst his wife does nothing for him. Yet he tells me that his son can get 100 girls like me. He tells me that I don't know how to speak. I want out but my maternal side is to busy thinking of them still. Help

You haven't mentioned anything about your husband.

Are you married to him or his family ?

Staying married and living with in-laws are two seperate issues.

[ssinghuk]

WJKK WJKF,

What a horrible position to be put in, im so sorry to hear the way your being treated sister.

I think you should talk to your husband about the issue with your father inlaw if you already haven't. Maybe you should try and come from the angle of actually not blaming him for your father-in-law's actions and having an argument with him, however stating that your not happy at the things being said. Really it comes down to the relationship you have with your husband, if you both are happy together, you should tell him to instruct his father he's happy with the outcome of his arranged marriage or love marriage and basically back off.

The thing is in marriage realistically, nothing's perfect! We have to build a foundation based on respect for one another, thats probably the most important thing. That the husband and wife are singing from the same hymn page. Your husband should realise that it is not the first year of marriage, it's actually your sixth, so he should realise that your not happy in a situation within the family. If your still living with your inlaws maybe you could suggest moving and getting your own house.

This is the problem in many houses across the community, no support or sound counciling from family members on both sides.

In this situation, dont forget god. As Akal purakh is the only support what is there constant in whatever situation. So, just talk to waheguru in your mind and ask for some guidance and help. He will her your call.

Also, I am in no way a professional in giving advice, but I cannot not reply to your plead as a Sikh. So stay strong, concentrate on the good things of your marriage like you toddler and try and work this out with your husband! Also remember waheguru!

WJKK WJKF

Some sound advice there for you.

Also, as SinghBJ Singh mentioned in another thread get in contact with some professional organisations which will be able to help you:

http://www.kaurageous.com/kaurnect

http://www.sikhhelpline.com/

[simran345]

Seems like ur husband is not supporting u morally, even thou he maybe the most wonderful man, no offence to him. But I feel if he supported u morally more ur father in law would even be doing this.

The thing with our guys is they always want to please their parents and some will not say anything against them even if they are wrong, they like to keep so called happy marriage which is not same for all families just because their cousins are like that all happy santokh waliya families.

You should tell husband it's hurting u, otherwise it's going to affect u more.

I think also he needs help too, sounds like he is suffering from some mental problem too and taking out on you, as u maybe the easy target, as u don't say anything back thus becoming a vicious circle of depression arising.

Can u not talk to your mother in law?

Also makes a difference as to where your husband is from, people won't agree with me but I feel it does. If he from India, then it's going to be harder to tackle as it's suppose to be closer knit and they on different levels in regards to emotions.

If he has a daughter make a point that u are like her too.

Also I feel ur maternal side is not fully supportive, some families like to stay quiet. Kudi da ghar vas jave, but don't realise it may make it worse. Also it's harder as in our community most are very old fashioned, and do not like to interfere thinking they will make it worse.

Have u tried to change yourself? In regards to the way u talk to him? In laws like Hanji Hanji even if it's false, try it may save ur marriage. But don't do it so that it hurts u.

Don't talk back to him, otherwise makes u look bad.

Be happy with ur kid and let them carry on, as it won't become ok overnight, also do paat, or play on tv in front of him, then he will feel guilty. Make routine of it, play it for calmness in the house.

[tuhintuhin]

I read in another topic, a member was willing to offer help from some Singhs. I think this is a good option.

[skaur8888]

how does your father-in-law treat other people in the family , especially other women? and does he act this way in front of others, or just when you're alone?

I've noticed its people who do the most caring are sometimes treated the worse, and you sound like maybe you're putting the family first which is a very nice quality and what us indian women are encouraged to do. but if the way he speaks to you carries on, how will it affect how others in family see you (if he's acting this way in front of others), especially your son?. Without the support of your husband it will be difficult to change the situation without being blamed as the daughter-in-law, so I would try and get your husband to understand how you feel and that you're not happy to be treated this way - I know its difficult, but try to stay calm and reasonable and give specific examples of what father-in-law has done/said as men tend to want to avoid any emotional scenes. You can then try to tackle it as a couple rather than you doing it alone. from what you described, it sounds like bullying, and usually people do it if they think they can get away with it. if he only does it when no-one else is around, I would try to avoid being alone with him until it can be tackled.

Your message didn't say whether there's other people who can support you, but being treated this way can easily make you lose faith and confidence in yourself if you feel alone, so try to keep in touch with other family/friends who treat you well. Also like the posters suggested, do patt and trust in Waheguru as your prayers will be answered.

Hope that helps

[Guest sikhi sanmukh]

Based on what you have said. You should tell your husband all details and state you are removing yourself from that environment. Tel him to move out even if its near the family. But if thats wat your father in law said then you cant stay in that house. It will effect you mentally and your children. Trustme eenough women have suffered like this. You know hav options.

And do ardas do simran find guru ji and put your faith in him