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I'm Not Trying To Insult God But.

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I am a paapi. I oscillate like a spring. One week in Gurmukhi and bani. The next I'm stuck in manmukhi and kaami actions. I do sangat of the most chardi kala gurmukhs. Gurmukhs who see and know more than the average humans. They know my actions even though they have physically never caught me red handed. And have been warning me over and over and they are just about fed up to the point of giving up on me. I

I want to be good. I want to read bani but even my most earnest attempts are feeble and I fall back down.

I understand that this world is a game. That we are all jot saroop. And that our karmic debts and maya have clouded our vision. Only with waheguru Jis help can we erase this and merge with the original. But waheguru Ji also made the five sins. He also made it hard for us to break through. I guess it makes the game more interesting. But the pain it puts us through when we fail over and over. I don't know about you great gurmukhs but I'm so tired of feeling inadequate. I feel like I'm undeserving of gods love. I've made bentis to this cyber sangat before but I just keep failing and falling.

But if were are all jot saroop. Then why? Why the game? It seems masochistic. I have no budhi so it makes sense that I can't understand the divine. It makes me angry though. If waheguru Ji wants our love. If love for god and guru is the only way to get through this. Why is it made so hard. Why do we have to struggle through it at every turn. Where is this intuitive ease with which a gurmukh should be able to walk through life. Where is this protection from kaam krodh lobh moh ahankaar? Why?

I know I'm ungrateful. I know I've probably made some angry by posting this. But I can't be the only one whose feeling like this. I'm almost ready to give up to be honest. Because I know I will get motivated by a post again and I'll be like I can do it. And then for a week it will be chardi kala. But then I'll have to make up for it with a week of paap and self hate. I've never been able to make it before. I've taken Amrit I've done sangat of gurmukhs revered all over the world. But I just come crashing down. And the fall is so painful. I don't know how many times I can get back up. I wish I was ignorant of my actions. Then I could have an excuse but I'm not.

I dunno what else to say. I really don't. I'm just rambling now I guess. I don't know what I'm even asking for lol.

Vjkk vjkf

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the key to the tests we all face and rest assured not just you is to never give up. the fall is always harder after a period of stability but staying down will only bring more misery and heartache than you can imagine and the chors will be victorious. if you don't believe me try and leave the Sikhi path for only a week or two and you will see all your affairs in complete dissarray.

सलोकु मः ३ ॥
Salok mėhlā 3.
Shalok, Third Mehl:
माइआ ममता मोहणी जिनि विणु दंता जगु खाइआ ॥
Mā▫i▫ā mamṯā mohṇī jin viṇ ḏanṯā jag kẖā▫i▫ā.
The love of Maya is enticing; without teeth, it has eaten up the world.
मनमुख खाधे गुरमुखि उबरे जिनी सचि नामि चितु लाइआ ॥
Manmukẖ kẖāḏẖe gurmukẖ ubre jinī sacẖ nām cẖiṯ lā▫i▫ā.
The self-willed manmukhs are eaten away, while the Gurmukhs are saved; they focus their consciousness on the True Name.
बिनु नावै जगु कमला फिरै गुरमुखि नदरी आइआ ॥
Bin nāvai jag kamlā firai gurmukẖ naḏrī ā▫i▫ā.
Without the Name, the world wanders around insane; the Gurmukhs come to see this.
धंधा करतिआ निहफलु जनमु गवाइआ सुखदाता मनि न वसाइआ ॥
Ḏẖanḏẖā karṯi▫ā nihfal janam gavā▫i▫ā sukẖ▫ḏāṯa man na vasā▫i▫ā.
Involved in worldly affairs, he wastes his life in vain; the peace-giving Lord does not come to abide in his mind.
नानक नामु तिना कउ मिलिआ जिन कउ धुरि लिखि पाइआ ॥१॥
Nānak nām ṯinā ka▫o mili▫ā jin ka▫o ḏẖur likẖ pā▫i▫ā. ||1||
O Nanak, they alone obtain the Name, who have such pre-ordained destiny. ||1||
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Guest dasguruka

To the OP you might find this self-assuring. I've been having my up and downs and last week I was left with Guru Sahib and myself. The owners of the house had to go somewhere so I was given seva of Parkash and Sukhasan. I had the same thoughts as you wrote up there and sometimes the answers come from inside. Well I decided that I should do more seva whether its chaur sahib or doing dishes or anything at Gurdwara.

During Sukh asan I was hoping that I would get a hukamnama that would assure me doing more seva or Maharaj and the Hukamnama came as exactly what Inderjit has written up there. It was the same Hukamnama I kid you not. You should read the last pankti of where the that Shabad ends as a Hukamnama. Look it up!

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  • 1 month later...

To answer the OP,

once again, rationality, guidance and assuarance are the answers from the pure Paviter bani of our GuruSahibans .

And in that sense, some few words of Fourth Patshahee, Dhan Dhan Guru Ram Das Maharaj from Raag Sarang, are being reproduced to satisfy our intelects:

ਨਾਨਕ ਜਿਸੁ ਬਿਨੁ ਘੜੀ ਨ ਜੀਵਣਾ ਵਿਸਰੇ ਸਰੈ ਨ ਬਿੰਦ

Naanak Jis Bin Gharree N Jeevanaa Visarae Sarai N Bindh

नानक जिसु बिनु घड़ी न जीवणा विसरे सरै न बिंद

O Nanak, without Him, we could not live for a moment. Forgetting Him, we could not succeed for an instant.

ਤਿਸੁ ਸਿਉ ਕਿਉ ਮਨ ਰੂਸੀਐ ਜਿਸਹਿ ਹਮਾਰੀ ਚਿੰਦ

This Sio Kio Man Rooseeai Jisehi Hamaaree Chindh

तिसु सिउ किउ मन रूसीऐ जिसहि हमारी चिंद

O mortal, how can you be angry with the One who cares for you?

Here He tells us, that though we may not have that level of consciousness to understand His hukum, He is our cherisher and the cause of our existence, so if we ever get angry with Him due to our poor vision and narrow mindedness, it means we are turning our direction from Him, and this means more pain and more agaynta.

So better, even we may not understand right now His divne plan, let us not turn away our faces from Him, but rather be determined to find Him and ask him our doubts......

But the fact is, if ever we try to reach Him.... I doubt that we will ever ask Him any such thing which was bothering us before.

We may ask, why shall we not feel the need to ask Him, by meeting Him?

The answer is, doubts are the nature of the mind, not of the soul.

Then, once we shall face Him by having His darshan, without our being noticed, we shall have been transformed, and merged in Him.

So then, who or where is the questioner.... naturally nowhere, because as the Bani says:

Jin Har japeeya, se Har hoeeya

The meditator, by His grace, His kirpa, gets his individual soul merged in the One Universal Infinite Soul, namely Wahiguru Akal Purukh.

Waheguru, Ouch Apaar Beant Soami.

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Just keep going man. Everytime you fall, get back up, fall, get back up, fall get back up. keep going.

Thats the warrior mindset. You gotta keep going.

Always try to improve. Just keep fighting those 5 powerful warriors. They will knock you down. Thousands upon millions of times. Thats what they do to me.

You may never win, but at the end of the day, you have to thank God for giving you enough strength to pick up your sword and continue fighting.

Even if you never win the game, thank God for keeping you on the path.


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