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Westernized Sikh


Surjita
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Bhen Jee. The original writer. I am offended that it seems you think that only shaved hair Sikhs are westernized. Does this mean that I who grew up and act like a white person or White Washed Amritdhari Sikh is not westernized. Who spend 40 years of my life considering myself as a westernized person. Someone who is not able to keep is Sikhi is weak inside or he/she are just like Convient Christians. A Westernized person is who listens to Rock to fit in with his/her peers, A Westernized person is someone who watched cartoons after school or on Saturday Morning but A Westernized Sikh can also re-frian from things that do not align with his/her religion. I bet this person (your driver) is just a typical Punjabi. Westernized Person does not like the music of his/her culture. Finds Bhangra boring, Does not find listening to Def Leopard, ZZ Top, Twizted Sister many others boring. A Westernized Sikh is someone who avoids other Punjabis.

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Well...I submited my post yesterday, but it is not here.

Anyway, last night I had a chance to talk to "my driver". He was pretty reluctant, but in the end this is what I heard: he was spending vacations last year in France and this year again in France and in Spain with women who paid for his trips. That is interesting. I don't want to know why they invited him and were willing to pay minimum $3000 for his 3 week trip. Why he did it?

He had audacity to blame me that I was never intimate with him, so this is what he said: "I can get rich western women, l don't need to get married, l get all for free!!!". How shallow.

Please, anybody tell me that Sikh men are not like him!

He was hiding all these "adventures" from me for the last year, and finally I got the cruel truth.

Interesting how he was willing to accept this kind of gift as a Sikh man? He did not like gifts given by me , from my heart.

I am really hurt...

Sikh men are not like this. He does not possess the morals and values of a Sikh man.

Don't be hurt Surjita ji, see it as a blessing by God that you saw his true colours. He is not worth hurting over.

There will be somebody out there for you, See it as a warning for you to break ties with him and now look forward to good times, without the stress you had to go through.

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Yes, there is no reason to digest it anymore. It is better that I got the news about his "adventures" sooner, than too late ( just imagine if I got married to such individual - DISASTER!!!). My heart will recover, I am a strong woman, I will accept God's guidance and life will go on...: :bl:We were able, with the common sense of the responders, to find solution to my dilema after a day or two. That's quite a success! Thank you all!!!.

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That seems to be my husband word for word and yet we have been married for 15 years, simply because my priorities are different. I enjoy my one on one time with him. I don't spend much time thinking about the negativities.

Yes some families and some people are just like that. They like making fun of you. Some men just are not able to make good introductions - lack of skill - or just not bothered or they just don't know the importance of it to the woman involved.

Any way you do not benefit anything from putting your grievances on here. You need to have a discussion with your partner about how much it bothers you and if he can be more sensitive to those issues in the future.

Communication in the relationship is important as it can help him to see what you expect and how he is letting you down.

Depending on the response you get, decide whether you can put up with it or not.

You are emotionally involved so - you are in love - that's when things get even more trickier as you may find another person but you cannot love all equally.

You may find another person with all the good qualities - but your heart simply is not there.

As for him being modernised - cutting your hair does not necessarily mean that you are modernised.

He is only modern in his looks not in his ways which are still traditional. Nothing wrong with that - but it is hard to change people. You will eventually have to learn to accept some parts of people and push it at the back of your mind where you stop looking at it so often if you are to be happy in this relationship.

Hello Married girl

Thank you for sharing a bit about your life and aproach towards your husband.

I used to do the same. Lots of people consider me very patient and tolerant. That's why I tried my best for this relationship to work. I was working very hard to have a good communication with "my driver". And he was able to talk to me on many occasions, I know quite a lot about his past, his dreams, his happy and sad monents, about his family etc. I DID value his honesty ( because I think he did not lie to me...at that time).

But because he is from different culture ( which I try to absorb as much as l can, and which I greately respect), he does have a bit different attitude towards western women, including me. He orders me what I am supposed to do, what time to eat, what time to take a shower, even what clothes to wear...I thought that he does that because he cares, but he did not confirm that, instead he said I am a white woman and men will use me. Nope, nothing like that had ever happened to me. Come'on - I live in India over 3 years. Do I need such supervision? I don't think so.

Communication in last 6 months is really a big problem. I could see what he is doing on his mobile - trying to get involved with a bunch of another western women, and it hurts. But he is doing these things behind my back ( example - my mobile is always on the table, it is never locked. His mobile - is always in his pocket, I saw that it is locked, and he does not use ringbell, only vibration ). On a few occasions he took my mobile and was checking its content. I saw it when I got back from the shower. When I asked why he did look at my mobile, he could ask me because I have no problem showing him what's on my mobile and he should know that I do not hide anything from him. In response he accused me "you have too many men in your contacts". Yes, I have, because I work with them. When I asked to see his mobile and his contacts - well, you know the answer - no way!!!

If he wants to get together with the other women - ok, but tell me, be a man and be honest. From what I see in his behaviour, he gives me the impression that he is very insecure, with low self esteem. He wants to boost his insecurity by trying to control me, and even make fun of me. He is scared that I may leave him, but with his actions he causes that I am ready to do that. Enough is enough.

And being from Sikh or other religion does not really matter to me. As long as a man respects a woman, especially the one he claims he loves so much, I am willing to work on the relationship for the rest of my life. But if he is lying, hiding his actions behind my back, is disrespectful, makes fun of me and my feeling..well - this won't work.

Everything else - music, movies, alcohol, short or long hair, beard or no beard, bangles or no bangles...don't matter to me. These are minor things.

But dealing with my feelings and emotions - this really does matter, and it matters A LOT.

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Good for you to have clarity to claim self respect so quickly. Many may still be deep in a denial with false hopes. You ask Sikhs to respond. I speak for myself, but I will attempt a response as a Sikh.

All Sikh men are not like this. Everyone is different, but I would not even consider a man Sikh who is like that. Unfortunately there are many men of all stripes like this and many Indian men, including some claiming sikhi. You saw some other men post here and they were obviously disgusted by the behavior you described. Traditionally, Sikh men were known to always be ones not only respect women, but ensure respect from all, for women.

Sikh men would be disgusted by what you describe. This is beyond betrayal in a relationship. It is abuse that is manipulative, callous, depraved, and criminal. It is TOO common, it is done by women as well. It seems to be a mentality that carries over to relationships in the context of business, family, government etc.

I almost feel as if we owe a collective apology to our sisters as Sikh men. As Sikhs, we intervened ignoring personal risk. Now we are ‘punjabi saints’ that “mind our own business” like grazing sheep. We are punjabi warriors when it comes to kissing a** of any questionable attention hoar who may be a rising businessperson or politician in the clan. We celebrate scum chasing wealth and like cowards grab the coat tails of abuse rather than challenge it.

Did his entire family and extended family not have a clue what was going on? How could they stand by? What about all those around him for all this time, all those that witnessed him behaving in a dismissive manner to you? There was a time in Punjab when this man would not have dared to treat a woman like this near any Sikh.

Now a typical Punjabi dissociative response is that a victim is naïve. But the proper response is that punjabi’s have become cowards. I think there is valuable message you are bringing to us.

Punjabi fraud is aided by our silence. We increasingly support appearances and wealth chasing. To be a Sikh means to alienate 100 associates if it means protecting one innocent person or right principle. It means to lose wealth and retain integrity. Each of us know people who cheat in various contexts. Do we speak up or do we act like cowards and support those oppression and crime in the name of clan harmony?

This is a plea to my brothers and sisters. We like to think we can not be like this and therefore we are not responsible. But remember that if we choose to be a Sikh, we choose to be activists. We choose to stand up and intervene. Cheating of all kinds that is common today not only in punjab but in the punjabi diaspora communities is our responsibility as Sikhs to ACTIVELY address it.

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VAHEGURU JI KA KHALSA, VAHEGURU JI KI FATEH

Leave while you can if you are not married. His rude Punjabi-ness is showing and you don't want to deal with that once it is marriage. There is no real support in India for you if you get too involved and you don't want to find out how rude he may be once you are married and he fully takes you for granted.

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Buddhasingh, thank you for a very interesting answer.

From what I know by now ( and I must confess, not everything) I know that Sikh men were advised to treat women with respect since many years back. That was the teaching of Guru Nanak, who proclaimed the equality of men and women, and the women were allowed to take a full part of all the activities of Sikh worship and practice. After all, if there were no women, there would be no birth of new people on this planet. According to Sikh ideology, all men and women poses equal status. In God's eyes women and men are equal, so they should have eqaul rights on Earth.

Moving forward, to 21 century, we know times are changing. My example - "driver" is doing whatever he can to have more money. He chooses only western tourists to drive to Rajasthan. He does not even has a business office, he claims he is the boss for himself. Instead of getting some proof of payment for his service, he takes all the money to his pocket. He does not pay taxes. When I mentioned a receipt, to keep track of my expenses, he was just laughing in my face. So my solution was to handwrite my own receipt and he was supposed to sigh it. If he refused to do so, I did not pay him.

I knew it is a drastic measure, but I had no idea if I can trust him. Today I can say that if he were wearing a turban, I would trust him more, because turban is a status of a honest, noble man. I know a Sikh men who live according and who follow the Sikh rules. And because of that I had a comparison.

"My driver" has family, 2 brothers with their wifes and a bunch of kids, well behaved kids.Let me tell you - his brothers' families are so nice, polite, caring, humble, with a smile and always helpful. What a pleasure to be around them.

I am pretty sure they knew and saw how "driver" behaved towards me, but since I don't speak Punujabi, I don't know if they discussed my case. They have every day prioblems and I don't think l should inquire if they talk about me etc. But when I mentioned "driver's" behaviour to the women, they did not respond, or give me some clue why is he behaving so strangely towards me. MAybe bacause I stood my ground?

Well...I got the feeling that the women in his family do not take him seriously, they just take what comes, and live their own life. Since he is a main breadwinner and gives money for expenses, they keep their mouths shut.

One day "driver" mentioned there was another western tourist woman in their house a few years before me, but she dumped him because he was too rude, demanded a lot of money from her, used her for sexual favours and was too bossy. I am a curious person..:) and I found out myself about that woman and now we keep in touch.

"Driver's" family did not inform me about her. Maybe they thought there was no reason. It does not matter anymore.

But "driver" is from another planet - very materialistic, trying very hard to have a western lifestyle. Even if he would be able to have it, will that make him happy?

Since he is not treating me the way I wish ( not to mention the Sikh way) he WILL be alone and miserable

Really, what a man's life is worth if he does not have a woman? Instead of a woman, his company is a bottle of whiskey. He says " this bottle is my loyal friend".

He has his family whom he does not treat well. His mood swings, alcohol, rudeness...no matter if towards his sister-in-law or a nephew or a 4 years old niece. He seems to have some strange kind of a pleasure putting down people who care about him. As I mentioned before - I call this behaviour

" boosting his self esteem", and "getting attention".

Me and his family go along very well. With one of sister-in-law we used to go very often to get some groceries and fruits, vegetables. I wanted to contribute to this family because on many occasions they fed me, and they are like a family to me. But "driver" was very angry that I pay for the groceries. I pay because this way I am sharing God's gifts - food - with people I care about. But if he does not want to change, nobody will do that for him.

And in the end, he is the one who suffers. It does not take so much to squeeze one tiny smile once a week ( I don't even think he is willing to give 1 smile a day, it is beyond him) . I am really sorry to hear him whining that he is "very poor", but how come he has most expensive mobile phone?

On may occassions he said to me without any reservation "buy me iphone 6" Me? NO WAY! When he heard my NO, boy, he was mad!!!

He behaves like a spoiled brat.

There are more important things to spend money for. I can only say l felt it was very disrespectful towards me. When I told him that, he simply walked away . Do I need such man in my life?

Do I need a man who does not care what I think?

Do I need a a man who does not want to see my feelings towards him?

Who does not want to speak/communicate to me?

Do I want a man who does not want to respect me? I don't deserve such treatment.

I know he wants to use me, but it did not happen and won't happen. I don't deserve such treatment.

Overall, I can blame 21 century that some people think differently, media tempt some of them to have everything what is advertised.

Of course, it is only my subjective opinion. I may be hugely mistaken.

Now, what kind of a Sikh is he? I was pretty hurt and judged him, I am sorry.

His actions show totally different picture than other Sikh people I know. I hope he will get what he needs/wishes/deserves., because everybody needs a bit of happpiness in their life. Loneliness is a quiet and slow killer.

I am done with him. My life goes on, I am actually grateful for the lesson I got. I feel I am wiser because of my time with "driver".

l will take bravely and thoughthfully any other challenge coming my way. I wish him well, too. His future is in his hands (and head). God bless us all.

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