Why Isnt It Ok To Have Sex Before Marrige?

[Guest F10wer]

Hi flower, I agree with you on everything except the sex before marriage bit. I think if you're strong and your partner respects u enough,u Can have a relationship without having sex before.

I am in the same boat as u, I used to have ALOT of friends, used to go oh clubbing, to eat, all with friends. I cut most of them off an started living a boring life with a couple of friends that I don't even like, who dont drink but are jealous Negative people. In the last 9 years, I've basically gone backwards and had lost my confidence and feistiness which I used to have ALOT of!

I haven't dated, I've been too scared of being judged and rejected. So I'm just about to start now. Ive had relationships when i was younger and gotten to know a couple of guys recently that have gone really badly, but havent dated, just met up a couple of times and been rejected. :$

I'm just going to try and stay in Chardi Kala (high spirits/positive) even though everyone in my life atm is negative bad sangat and try and find positive sangat and live a good happy fun filled(but still staying good) life

I understand you in every point here. The thing with me is that I haven't done anything of these, never dated or relationships, never had sex, I've been to clubs but never really enjoyed. I was afraid to do something wrong. I have also been really afraid of being judged and rejected. Until i realized I'm not growing as a human being! I'm kinda stuck at the same place. I have to live my life and take risks and stop living in fear.

I'm doing my path, but I'm not amrithdari/religious. I just have a longing to meet God and be a good human being.

If I decide to have sex before marriage, I will obviously choose a man who I feel like to get married to. Then if something goes wrong like if he leaves me or suddenly don't want to get married, then I don't think that would be a "sin" from my side, or would it?

I don't know if I'm saying anything wrong. I don't want to offend anybody.

[Guest F10wer]

FriendlyStranger

What I meant was that Guru said live a normal life. (don't live in celibate, isolated, far away from people etc) And according to me(and so many people in this world) a normal life is exactly just as I described. Before I see myself as a sikh, I see myself as a human being.

If i conquer all my desires, I will end up not wanting to live. Why should I live this life? If I have no desire to live.

I am so sorry If I offended you in anyway. I apologize.

[Guest F10wer]

Sikhni777, Thank you so much for inspiring me.

[harsharan000]

Sangat Jee,

though we are human beings as mentioned above, but the fact is there is a far suprior truth about us also, and that is that before being human beings, we are spiritual beings.

It is our different level of consciouness which make us see different scenes, have different views, so naturally we have varied opinions, which are all respectable.

But having Gurmat as our guide towards our journey whether as "human beings" or souls, we come to know and understand the superior laws of the creation, and to adjust our will to the Hukum, not for anything else, but for our own benefits, though most of us not even aware of the importance of Gurmat which iluminates our lives with His Light

You see, Naam and kam can not exist together. They are antignostic to each other as light is to darkness. Where there is kaam, Naam does not enter.

And when Naam comes, kaam vanishes.

A sikh, should be an example to the world. a sikh´s eyes should radiate purity around and a spiritual fragrance should issue from his/her body. We should avoid the life of sensual pleasures, and turn out the desire for lust from our hearts/minds.

Because a life of virtue,peace and contentment is possible only when we rise above the nine doors of the body and enter the tenth one at the third eye or tisra til at our forehead by doing His bhajan bandagee.

To indulge in sex pleasures and to expect to enter Sach Khand is sheer mockery, for such a one, that door shall never open, other thing is, if we willingly want to remain in the chaurasee ka chakar, and for that Maya has kept its doors wide open, and once in, there is no guarantee of getting out.

So if we have even an ounce of common sense, let us make wise decisions, and that is only possible with the aid of Gurbani.

Sat Sree Akal.

[Guest paapi]

what does normal life mean for you? :)

NORMAL LIFE is gurmat life. most of the people live in a fake life.

guru jee has shown us the normal life. you want live happy? live in gurmat.

trust me when iam tell you this. having sex before anand karaj is bad for you in many ways. kaam rass is dangerous.

you want to live a life where you are happy. choose gurmat.

a sikh doesnt just marry someone. he or she has a anand karaj. anand karaj goes far more deep than just marrying someone.

thats why we have lavan and not a court marriage. read lavan it tells you about the stages of gurmat.

look at the world. people go having sex with others then they break it up then? they are stuck in their life.

through gurbani mahraj has shown us the path where we can grow and learn. you want to grow as a person listen to kirtan listen to kathe read gurbani.

:) dont be mistaken. those people arent happy. they are stuck they got nothing else than drinking dating etc. ask someone why you drink? they will say to have a good time. yet they get drunk and cant remember. guru gives us gurbani with that we can be happy in any situtation.

bhul chuk maaf.

Grow with gurbani and be happy :)

[Guest Truth seeker]

FriendlyStranger

What I meant was that Guru said live a normal life. (don't live in celibate, isolated, far away from people etc) And according to me(and so many people in this world) a normal life is exactly just as I described. Before I see myself as a sikh, I see myself as a human being.

If i conquer all my desires, I will end up not wanting to live. Why should I live this life? If I have no desire to live.

I am so sorry If I offended you in anyway. I apologize.

The definition of 'normal' changes from country, culture, time in history etc. So clubbing and binge drinking may be normal in the west but does Sikhi say we should do it because it has now become normal? During the persian rule it was normal for a man to marry 4 women - would you do that because it was normal? As a sikh you are on a path to find the truth and to connect with the truth. The truth may not be what everyone else is doing in society. Also your understanding of what Sikhism is saying about living a normal life is wrong, Sikhi does not say be 'normal' or to live a 'normal' life. Sikhism says to live life you must work in the world, contribute to the system and marry to have children. No sexual activity before marriage is allowed because sex is there to create babies and if you want to have babies with someone then you should be marrying them first.

According to Sikhi any sex stemming from kaam aka lust is forbidden - whether that kaam is in or out of marriage. In a Sikh marriage, a couple having sex for kaam is not allowed. Sex is there to create children - if you don't want babies then you should not have sex in both non married or married partnerships. Also I personally believe that if someone loves you enough or you love someone enough then why not make the commitment of marriage? Surely if they love you then they should make that commitment first.

I also realise that we need to make mistakes and learn for ourselves but coming from a sister, please don't make this mistake. I made the mistake of experiencing sex and you can justify it and say things like I like this person, marriage is only a ceremony, what is here right now is true etc however I regret my mistake immensely. I am middle aged now but when I was young I had sex constantly almost every day. It was like a thirst that I needed quenched. I will tell you exactly what happens - you go through an addiction phase where you want more and more of this 'different, new feeling'. Essentially your curious and want to explore. This feeling is purely kaam based and not driven by a desire to 'love' or have babies.

I want to add that this whole concept that if you 'love' someone you have sex with them or trying someone out before hand is nonsense. You connect with people based on personality and outlook of life not on sex. Also if you love someone you take care of them during sickness, ill fate etc not by having sex. Plus everyone gets better with practise so there is no need to try someone out.

Anyways, after a couple of years after having sex you slowly realise that you were addicted to the experience of sex and the feeling. Also the activity of sex changed your appearance 'down below'. That is the hardest part for me to accept because I didn't know it was going to change other things. I knew about the hymen breaking etc but I didn't know that it changes the length of your lips (bigger from the pulsations and saggier and wrinkly from the rubbing), the colour of the lips (darker from blood flow and rubbing), skin starts to become wrinkly in random locations from the pulsations of orgasms, rubbing, stretching etc and please note that lube does not protect you from this. I wish I never had sex but I made the mistake and it is something that I will have to live with for the rest of my life. Having my insides and outside appearance change was not worth the temporary pleasure of sex. Looking back I wish I never did it. If I never had sex then I would have never got addicted or had cravings for it. I also wish I only had done it after marriage and I wish I knew that loving someone doesn't mean having sex with them. Boys will convince you to try it but don't do it because you 'love' him.

I also wish I was taught that in Sikhism I should only have sex to have children and that you can only have children if you are going to marry someone. I don't know why more sikh gurdwaras don't teach us that even in a sikh marriage; we are only allowed to have sex if we plan to have children. The pope teaches this to catholics and they are only allowed to have sex to make babies. I only learnt recently that Sikhism says the same. If I knew Sikhism said the same then I would never had sex even if I wanted it. Thats because my reply would have been very clear - i.e. I love you but I am only allowed this for children. Instead I got confused and said yes, I love you, well marriage is only a ceremony etc, I guess it doesn't matter, ok then

I know some Sikhs will disagree with me and say in marriage sex is allowed even if you don't want children but that is not the truth. In sikhism having sex other than wanting to have children is considered kaam. A much older and wiser me has learnt these lessons the hard way. It consumed a lot of my time that I could have spent doing something positive in the world. I don't want you to experience what I had to go through to learn this. Whether you choose to listen to me is your choice.

[FriendlyStranger]

"What I meant was that Guru said live a normal life. (don't live in celibate, isolated, far away from people etc)"

I've already explained to you that the Guru did not tell us to live a normal life. What's normal is always changing. 60 years ago, and especially during the Guru's time, having sex before marriage and dating was not considered normal in any civilized part of the world. Now things are changing, having sex before marriage and even avoiding marriage to prolong our lustful lifestyles is becoming the norm. The Guru gave us a permanent lifestyle that isn't fickle like the term "normal". The lifestyle of a Sikh doesn't change with the times.

Living as a celibate is fine within Sikhi, but you're right that the Guru encourages we live a family life.

"And according to me(and so many people in this world) a normal life is exactly just as I described"

Who's your Guru then? The people of the world or the Gurus?

"If you desire to play this game of love with Me, then step onto My Path with your head in hand.

When you place your feet on this Path, give Me your head, and do not pay any attention to public opinion"

-Guru Nanak ang 1412

"Before I see myself as a sikh, I see myself as a human being."

I don't know, maybe I'm alone in thinking this way, but I would rather see myself as a Sikh first and humans second as silly as that may sound. We're human for such a short time, so it's not that important to me.

"If i conquer all my desires, I will end up not wanting to live. Why should I live this life? If I have no desire to live."

Conquering desire doesn't necessarily mean that all your desires have to disappear. Conquering desires means you control your desire and that they don't control you. God gave us sex to create life. Our ability to create life is the most powerful and one of the most meaningful things we can do as humans. Having sex outside of marriage where you have no intention to create life reduces the importance of sex and procreation. Sex is extremely powerful and not something you should take lightly, therefore you should save it for marriage, not for some random guy/girl. You can see the effects yourself when a society doesn't value sex and marriage as something important.

[Guest Jacfsing2]

FriendlyStranger

What I meant was that Guru said live a normal life. (don't live in celibate, isolated, far away from people etc) And according to me(and so many people in this world) a normal life is exactly just as I described. Before I see myself as a sikh, I see myself as a human being.

If i conquer all my desires, I will end up not wanting to live. Why should I live this life? If I have no desire to live.

I am so sorry If I offended you in anyway. I apologize.

Sikhi isn't about this one life, but all of our lives. Do you think all the Mahapurukhs were normal people? Not following pakhandi babas, but rather following the true form of Vaheguru: (Dhan Dhan Sri Guru Nanak Dev Ji)? Sikhi isn't meant to be easy, (it's the simplest way though); to follow Dhan Dhan Sri Guru Nanak Dev Ji means your life and soul.