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Guest Singh,

Father Son relationship

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Guest Singh,

I have got on pretty well with my father for most of my life. However Since he has aged and gone past 60. I am finding it increasingly difficult to talk to him. He very easily starts arguements when having conversations. He is very grumpy and always taking digs at me. I have accepted this from him for a long time. As in the asian community we are told to respect our parents even if they behave sometimes badly towards us. 

However, I am now starting to dislike his behaviour. Where he will argue for no reason at all. He does not speak to 2 of my other siblings as they have fallen out with him. Im pretty much the only one left. I have tried not to argue as If I do I dont want all the family to break up. Im pretty much the one keeping it all together. I am the youngest son. 

But now I have also got married and so feel I am growing apart of him. I dont go round as often as I used to due to his constant arguing and the way he takes digs at me or cause unnecessary arguements. 

I feel like he may have some issues as he has fallen out with my other siblings also. I am the type that tries to keep away from conflict. But have now started arguing back with my father. It feels bad but I just cant stay calm anymore when it happens. Anyone know if this is normal. What should I do. As everytime I speak to him. Just results in more fighting and arguing. 

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Adjust the manner in which you mentally frame your relationship and your interactions with him. It's almost a process of stepping out of yourself and seeing things for the first time with new eyes. If you're clinging to the memories of the good times or you're an overly sentimental person, you most likely won't be capable of doing this. Reconcile yourself with the idea that his demeanour has changed with age, and that there's no dialling it back to more pleasant times. Dare I say your interactions with him from now on will almost be tinged with him being patronised by you or treated like an incapable child needing to be humoured. If this seems cruel and dispassionate, then obviously it's not going to work for you. You can plough on as you are, pining for the old days, but you'll only end up hurting yourself.

 

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Guest Its common, old age

Theres an old adage in Panjabi. That in old age, people get grumpy and ill mannered. 

My cousin commented that, medical journals have confirmed it. I think its called going senile. 

I think when you go visit him, you should allow him to dictate the conversation. If he wants to argue, do so. I bet he enjoys it or atleast its the way he is most used to communicating.

You should go prepared to argue. In fact start an argument. Since you seem the sensitive type, maybe argue about something impersonal like politics or the correct way to raise children, or best careers or business. On purpose take the opposite stand to his. 

You should not be emotionally invested treat, it as a debate.

Him being ur father he will try to win or prove he is right by brow beating u or humiliating you.

You should just observe and name the tactic he is using, And don't take it so seriously or personally.

When our kids have tantrums and say I hate you . We don't take it seriously. we know if we offer them a ride on the toy train, they will be like thank you so much, ur the best! a moment later.

This too is a stage of life, senility. Treat it as a challenge. How long before ur father is able to get a rise out of u. Or to hit u where it hurts.

And don't break ties with your father. In old age, loneliness is a big killer.  

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Old people generally don't give a hoot about their impact on people. Once you get over 60 you have all manner of ills (constant aches and pains, problems urinatinating, hormones are lower/imbalanced, you see the end on the horizon, people you like/peers have passed away etc).

Are they on any meds (statins, blood pressure etc) these can affect mood too.

Generally, lots of the older people i've know have a few underlying aches/pains (makes people grumpy), they are quite lonely inside (loss of siblings/parents/friends so there is fewer people they 'deeply' connect with) and they start to look back on their lives and how they wasted certain aspects of it. 

You should ask them whats on their mind

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Guest Unconditional Love

 

On 11 September 2018 at 1:08 AM, Guest Its common, old age said:

Theres an old adage in Panjabi. That in old age, people get grumpy and ill mannered. 

My cousin commented that, medical journals have confirmed it. I think its called going senile. 

I think when you go visit him, you should allow him to dictate the conversation. If he wants to argue, do so. I bet he enjoys it or atleast its the way he is most used to communicating.

You should go prepared to argue. In fact start an argument. Since you seem the sensitive type, maybe argue about something impersonal like politics or the correct way to raise children, or best careers or business. On purpose take the opposite stand to his. 

You should not be emotionally invested treat, it as a debate.

Him being ur father he will try to win or prove he is right by brow beating u or humiliating you.

You should just observe and name the tactic he is using, And don't take it so seriously or personally.

When our kids have tantrums and say I hate you . We don't take it seriously. we know if we offer them a ride on the toy train, they will be like thank you so much, ur the best! a moment later.

This too is a stage of life, senility. Treat it as a challenge. How long before ur father is able to get a rise out of u. Or to hit u where it hurts.

And don't break ties with your father. In old age, loneliness is a big killer.  

I really liked this.

Op you need to understand his psychology.

True that in old age loneliness is a big killer. Obviously try every avenue of trying to get along with your father. Don't just abandon him. We climb mountains for those we love.

If he's out of control, try and educate him. Tell him you want him to know your grandkids, that you don't want to give up on him and that you love him. Hug him, be open with him.

As we grow older, we become more reserved and less able to accept or show unconditional love. 

 

Show him love. 

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