Need Advice And Ardaas From Sangat

[Guest Singh in testing times]

waheguru ji ka khalsa

waheguru ji ki fateh

I am faced with a very difficult situation in life right now and need ardaas,advice and support in whichever way I get it.I think letting my feelings out on this forum might help me in some way.

Its to do with my marriage and wife. After doing ardaas in front of guru sahib I got arranged married.We got many proposals but I along with my family chose this one from matrimonials. The biggest reason was that I was looking for someone geuninely amritdhari and someone with whom I can grow in sikhi.We both are amridhari.I am from india but after marriage I had to go abroad for work and I took my wife along. We used to have arguments sometimes over which way things should be done and why she never listens to me etc. But I knew that happens in almost all marriages.Our natures dont quite match but thats OK.

So things went by fine for about 5-6 months and then we had a quarrel one day and after that she suddenly got severly depressed. She got depressed to the extent that I had to take her to India within one week.Later it came out that she had this problem even earlier to lesser extent but her family didnt reveal it for obvious reasons.I stayed in india for couple of weeks and left her with my family in india so that she can recover. Her own family is also nearby.My family took her to one of the best psychaterist and he prescribed some anti depressants. She stayed there for almost 3-4 months. But she didnt get along well with my family.She even had episodes of depression while there,but her treatment continued and my family took her to the doctor regularly. I and my family thought it better if she stayed with me abroad so that we can stay together and she can learn to cope with her depression.even doctor gave the clearance and suggested the same. So she has just arrived here yesterday.But just before leaving she had some quarell with my family due to which she had an episode of depression again. But she was sort of OK to travel. After reaching here she told me that she had problems on flight and even in our journey back to our house here she is having depression. Even as I write this she is having the problem. Now she says she doesnt want to stay here and want to go back to india within 1-2 days.

in her depression she just cries and says that her "mann" is not stable . She doesnt eat or drink properly. She says that she is in lot of trouble and nobody understands her pain.She cant even do paath or listen to keertan. She gets sleep but with difficulty. Now noone in our family ever had this kind of depression so nooone understands whats happening. My father tells her a lot that she should win her disease with her attitude and simran but she doesnt get it and is not able to do this.But since my family witnessed her depression while she was in india and talked to doctor about it ,they probably know better how to handle her in such situation. I talked to them over phone and they say that I should just let her cry and should not panic and should not go too soft on her like just agreeing to whatever she says.Even her own family thinks this way. They think this will help her learn how to cope and if she knows she has toovercome it ,she will.But I am alone here abroad(without family or any friends) and she is going to be alone at home when I am away for job.

I dont know if its good to hear to my families advice and just be strong and dont take her back to india or I should listen to my wife who keeps crying and says she wants to go back.Here atleast she will be away from my family members and so wont have to bear much disagreements with them and also if I take her back she wont learn how to cope with her problem by staying away from family. its difficult for me to see her like this. i know she will be OK when I am with her or if we go to gurdwara sahib but I am worried about the time when she will be alone at home.It wont be possible for me to stay home all the time due to job. she just keeps saying that she cant stay here and that she doesnt feel like doing anything.she is able to sleep but doesnt get much better even after sleep.

On one side i feel angry on her for the things she has said to my family but on the other side I know that I cant scold her because that will worsen her depression.Even my parents might think that I am not stopping her from saying things which she should not. Anyways I have decided not to say anything to her for time being.

please let me know if anyone else has ever gone through such kind of depression and if so how to handle it.Is it good to listen to her and be soft on her and send her back to india or should I try to help her whicheverway I can by keeping her with me here and be firm with her that she stays here.She knows lot about gurmat and does keep up her nitnem.But she doesnt try to adjust with my family or listen to them.she has even spoken harsh words to my family.

Also please do ardaas for me as gurmukh's ardaas has lot of power. I dont know why guru sahib has put me in this situation.I am trying to be strong. Any words of encouragement and advice will help me. I tried to base my decision of marriage and selection of marriage partner based on gurmat. We also tried to keep marriage function close to gurmat principles. I am right now sad and puzzled with question like these roaming in my mind all the time:

1.Why this happened to me?

2.What should I do in this situation?

3. Should I compromise my career and go back to india?

4. Should I never scold her about wrong things she has said and done with my family?

5. I also sometimes feel what will everyone else say? I feel people will mock me.

6. Was my decision to marry or selection of partner wrong?

7. Should I have looked for things beyong gurmat in her while selection of partner?

8. Why my family is being put through this torture for no fault of theirs?

9.How will I deal with this for rest of my life?

10.Why doesnt she try to be strong and cope with it?

I know its a long post. But please try to help in whichever way possible.

fateh

[Guest _singh_]

Singh you said she can't do her nitnem or listen to kirtan

she can't or she doesn't want

i would recommend you play a Waheguru Simran cd on repeat

she may not want to listen to it but it will soothe her mind and after awhile she won't be able to resist not singing along with it

you can also try sukhmani sahib cd but Waheguru Simran is more simple and she will feel less intimidated

I don't know about depression pills but have heard that homeopathic medicine works really good for depression

nothing is better than Gurbani though

[sherlsurj]

ok bro i think you are making this problem more complicated than it really is. depression is really common and getting more common in modern life due to stress, financial situations etc. so dont feel like the victim its happens to a lot of people out there. loads of people i know used to suffer from depression and honestly i dont think the medication works that much. just listen to your wife often this helps alot. this would not only get things of your wifes mind but she will feel like your there for her. you dont even have to talk just listen and reassure her. make extra effort asking how she is, how was her day, etc.

hope this helps sorry if i have caused any offence

take care bro, futeh

[buddasingh]

For the most part, you come across as an intelligent and sensitive person. However, you reference "scolding" your wife a few times. Does she "scold" you too? A parent scolds their child. A husband does not consider "scolding" his wife. You say your wife got severely depressed after a quarrel one day. If you consider scolding your wife, it concerns me as to what mental, verbal or physical abuse you may employ in a "quarrel". Would not be assisting you if I did not check this out. Depression aside, it is a concern, at the same time, depression symptoms can be triggered by stress or abuse.

It also sounds like you do not have children at this time. When your wife is more stable, i suggest that you support her in attaining some purpose in her life other than supporting her husbands life. Generally this means employment or volunteering in her greater community. As well to whatever extent possible try to support her in keeping engaged in a social life outside the home with you and without you.

With respect to returning to India, are you able to talk to your wife openly about her depression and how returning to India may be just as challenging? Remember that depression is a complex illness that could cloud judgment, often with meds. However, it does not preclude someone from being intelligent.

There are often support groups for family members of those who are depressed. I highly recommend that you find one in your community. If necessary find one online.

You are not only her husband, but in these circumstances you are required to be her angel. Everybody needs to give and needs to be given. Back away from expecting a "quick fix". Let medication and treatment take its course. Take things day by day. Appreciate the little positive things in your relationship and in your wife. Be strong for her and SEE her strength. You need her strength. The human mind is amazing at overcoming when a person feels their strength is needed.

It would also be ideal if you had a supportive community for you and your wife. Some people you could trust how knew the both of you and your circumstances. Where are you situated? Know that we are here for you and please post again to give us more insight as to how we might be able to offer support and strength.

[Guest WS]

I am so sorry that you are going through such a difficult time.

Medication can be helpful sometimes, however sometimes nutrician plays a part. There have been studies where people who lacked certain vitamins and minerals were more prone to depression and stress. Check her diet through a nutitianist. Generally if she takes complex B vitamins, omega 3, 6, 9 and evening primrose oil, it will help her. It may not cure her depression but it wil be more manageable and then maybe she will be able to find the energy to do other things.

It will definately be a good idea for her make friends outside of her home. For example, doing a course (like ESOL, if she does not know much english) or something creative like Art. This way shes communicating with others and expressing herself. There is so much help out there for depression now. There are several women centres that help with this as well. Check in your directories of any nearby centres. They can even offer her free counselling so she is able to talk to her about her problems.

With regards to yourself, look after yourself, be strong and have bani playing in your house all the time. Try and do your prayers together. Do not get sucked into her depression, it can easily happen. This sounds bad but what i mean by that is it can be easy to also fall victim to this and cloud your own judgement.

Everyone is telling you to be strong and it is easier said than done. Just concentrate on your naam, bani. If you rwife thinks her mann is unstable, only she (and obviously maharaj) can do something about it. Give her he encouragement and power that she can overcome this if sh wants to. Only naam can curb her unstable mind. Mann jeeteh jag jeet!!!!

I hope everything works out!!!

[JustME]

Waheguru Ji Ka Khalsa Waheguru Ji Ki Fateh Veer Jee

Depression is a very good friend of mine as i grew up with a mother who was clinically depressed.............you guys have not been married that long and as it was under the circumstances of an arranged marriage im assuming with the problems you guys are facing you guys dont know each other as well as you may wish to............

In over 70% of cases of Severe/Moderate depression it is important to establish the CAUSE.......the underlying root of the problem thats causes the depression because in many cases depression is triggered by an event or a serious of occurances in ones life that the person themselves has not come to terms with in a consoling and healing manner................

So my advise....................for the sake of ur marraige and ur sanity................both of you go back to India TOGETHER........no family..............no-one.............and try and be her friend..........encourage her to, at first listen to simeran and nitnem bani even if they playing realy quietly in the background.................talk to her about ur childhood.........ur interests.......ur.hobbies............and when she sees that u are opening up to her................slowly slowly she may begin to open up to you...................you guys have to go back to the beginiing and build ur relationship up and work through all her issues and problems.............she may have had an experience or episode when she was younger than she blocked out for many years and now the issue may be re-surfacing BUT without proper communication between husband and wife................youre only gonna drive each other furthur and furthur apart................

Veer i will do ardass for you both that he get you both through this difficult time but the Indian way of "bottling up and never discussing problems or running away from them" has never worked in the past and wont work now..................you guys need time together.............a job is a job veer jee..............you can find another one but for now ur priority should be in helping ur wifes recovery and building a stronger jeevan........TOGETHER!................as her depression begins to settle she will get the thirst back for doing nitnem and bani..............but start off slowly and whenever she surrond her with bani even if it realy quite and just sit with her.........even if she doesnt want to talk.....just knowing ur there and THAT U CARE.............will be of enormous comfort for her..............

Bhul Chuck Maafi

Waheguru Ji Ka Khalsa Waheguru Ji Ki Fateh

[Guest *]

1) Work on your Sikhi together -- naam simran, doing paath, listening to/doing keertan. It will uplift both your spirits and help you grow both closer together and closer to Guru Sahib.

2) Seek professional help. Maybe an adjustment to her meds will help. Maybe some counselling to reveal and work through any underlying issues will help. You're not a mental health professional or counsellor. Neither are the people advising you here. Most here have no clue about depression and aren't even married so they aren't really able to give you much applicable advice besides their own uninformed opinions.

3) Don't judge her ("Why doesnt she try to be strong and cope with it?" -- that's an ignorant statement on your part...you don't know how strong she is and what exactly she's coping with, nor the extent of what she's doing to cope with it. Depression IS coping, especially when it beats suicide and the like).

4) Don't listen to third-party tips on how to deal with her depression (ie. "don't go too soft on her"). That's ridiculous advice. You should support her by validating whatever she's experiencing, not being concerned with what'll happen if you're too soft etc. Waht does "too soft" mean anyways?? You need to listen to her and actually HEAR her. Give her a safe forum to express herself. If you try to be "not too soft", you may come across as cold and she may feel she can't open up with you or be honest with what she's feeling. Often times, simply talking about one's feelings can be a big help in relieving depression. If she doesn't trust you to listen in a genuine caring way, she won't open up with you and you'll only be a hinderance to her recovery. You can't be very helpful to her if you're concerned with being "too soft".

5) Most guys seem to be unable to comprehend this, but being torn away from your family and everything familiar due to marriage isn't always an easy transition. If she wants to return to India, maybe you should hear it with an open mind. Why does she want to return? What does she prefer there that she doesn't like here? How does she think it will benefit her to be back in India? Maybe you can work out an arrangement to visit India every so often so that she knows she can look forward to a trip after X amount of time and that you'd like her to stay here for X amount of time. Sometimes being ripped away from all that is familiar to you can be a shocking and traumatic experience for a person. If she already had depression or other ongoing mental health issues, they will likely be exacerbated being in a new unfamiliar environment.

6) Stop making this about YOU. "Why is this happening to me", "I feel people will mock me". Start being a husband before being a slave to the world. Who cares if people mock you? Is that too big a price to pay for your partner to be healthy and well?

[Guest ..]

1) Work on your Sikhi together -- naam simran, doing paath, listening to/doing keertan. It will uplift both your spirits and help you grow both closer together and closer to Guru Sahib.

2) Seek professional help. Maybe an adjustment to her meds will help. Maybe some counselling to reveal and work through any underlying issues will help. You're not a mental health professional or counsellor. Neither are the people advising you here. Most here have no clue about depression and aren't even married so they aren't really able to give you much applicable advice besides their own uninformed opinions.

3) Don't judge her ("Why doesnt she try to be strong and cope with it?" -- that's an ignorant statement on your part...you don't know how strong she is and what exactly she's coping with, nor the extent of what she's doing to cope with it. Depression IS coping, especially when it beats suicide and the like).

4) Don't listen to third-party tips on how to deal with her depression (ie. "don't go too soft on her"). That's ridiculous advice. You should support her by validating whatever she's experiencing, not being concerned with what'll happen if you're too soft etc. Waht does "too soft" mean anyways?? You need to listen to her and actually HEAR her. Give her a safe forum to express herself. If you try to be "not too soft", you may come across as cold and she may feel she can't open up with you or be honest with what she's feeling. Often times, simply talking about one's feelings can be a big help in relieving depression. If she doesn't trust you to listen in a genuine caring way, she won't open up with you and you'll only be a hinderance to her recovery. You can't be very helpful to her if you're concerned with being "too soft".

5) Most guys seem to be unable to comprehend this, but being torn away from your family and everything familiar due to marriage isn't always an easy transition. If she wants to return to India, maybe you should hear it with an open mind. Why does she want to return? What does she prefer there that she doesn't like here? How does she think it will benefit her to be back in India? Maybe you can work out an arrangement to visit India every so often so that she knows she can look forward to a trip after X amount of time and that you'd like her to stay here for X amount of time. Sometimes being ripped away from all that is familiar to you can be a shocking and traumatic experience for a person. If she already had depression or other ongoing mental health issues, they will likely be exacerbated being in a new unfamiliar environment.

6) Stop making this about YOU. "Why is this happening to me", "I feel people will mock me". Start being a husband before being a slave to the world. Who cares if people mock you? Is that too big a price to pay for your partner to be healthy and well?

very nicely and accurately put

[KKV]

You should do Paat from Siree Guru Harkrisan Jee's - Sankat Mohchan Shabadh -

The following Shabadh needs to be read 104 times EVERYDAY for 40 days

Man Noo Santhohkh Th'eh Shanthee Prapath Hohv'eh

vfhMsu mhlw 3 ]

rsnw hir swid lgI shij suBwie ]

mnu iqRpiqAw hir nwmu iDAwie ]1]

sdw suKu swcY sbid vIcwrI ]

Awpxy sqgur ivthu sdw bilhwrI ]1] rhwau ]

AKI sMqoKIAw eyk ilv lwie ]

mnu sMqoiKAw dUjw Bwau gvwie ]2]

dyh srIir suKu hovY sbid hir nwie ]

nwmu prmlu ihrdY rihAw smwie ]3]

nwnk msqik ijsu vfBwgu ]

gur kI bwxI shj bYrwgu ]4]7]

The following Shabadh needs to be read 108 times EVERYDAY for 40 days

Sab Dukh Rohg Santhaap Naas Hoh'n

rwgu sUhI mhlw 5 Gru 6

<> siqgur pRswid ]

siqgur pwis bynµqIAw imlY nwmu AwDwrw ]

quTw scw pwiqswhu qwpu gieAw sMswrw ]1]

Bgqw kI tyk qUM sMqw kI Et qUM scw isrjnhwrw ]1] rhwau ]

scu qyrI swmgrI scu qyrw drbwrw ]

scu qyry KwjIinAw scu qyrw pwswrw ]2]

qyrw rUpu AgMmu hY AnUpu qyrw drswrw ]

hau kurbwxI qyirAw syvkw ijn@ hir nwmu ipAwrw ]3]

sBy ieCw pUrIAw jw pwieAw Agm Apwrw ]

guru nwnku imilAw pwrbRhmu qyirAw crxw kau bilhwrw ]4]1]47]

The following Shabadh needs to be read 108 times EVERYDAY for 21 days

Sab Dukh Dhoor Hoh'van Ath'eh Sukh'n Dhee Prapathee Hohv'eh

gauVI mhlw 5 ]

ijsu ismrq dUKu sBu jwie ]

nwmu rqnu vsY min Awie ]1]

jip mn myry goivMd kI bwxI ]

swDU jn rwmu rsn vKwxI ]1] rhwau ]

ieksu ibnu nwhI dUjw koie ]

jw kI idRsit sdw suKu hoie ]2]

swjnu mIqu sKw kir eyku ]

hir hir AKr mn mih lyKu ]3]

riv rihAw srbq suAwmI ]

gux gwvY nwnku AMqrjwmI ]4]62]131]

As for the arguments

The following Shabadh needs to be read 108 times EVERDAY for 40 days

Sarabh Kal'eh'sh Dhoor Hoh'van, Saree Chinthaa Mee't'eh Ghar Vich Manglaa'chaar Ban'eh

soriT mÚ 5 ]

gey klys rog siB nwsy pRiB ApunY ikrpw DwrI ]

AwT phr AwrwDhu suAwmI pUrn Gwl hmwrI ]1]

hir jIau qU suK sMpiq rwis ]

rwiK lYhu BweI myry kau pRB AwgY Ardwis ] rhwau ]

jo mwgau soeI soeI pwvau Apny Ksm Brosw ]

khu nwnk guru pUrw ByitE imitE sgl AMdysw ]2]14]42]

Helpful Tip: When you need to read the Gurbanee so many times its hard to keep count so a suggestion is that you get some dhaa'n'eh - popcorn seeds etc and count as many you need, wash them and keep them next to your when reading the Gurbanee - each time one Shabadh is done you take out the dhaanaa and continue; that way you dont have to worry about how much you've done or how many you've got to do.

It seems as though you have to do LOADS of Paat but trust me ALL your worries concerning ANYTHING will be overcome -

Siree Harkrisan Dhee'yee'yeh Jis Deet'eh Sab Dukh Jaa'eh

p.s. sorry for the preach

p.p.s stoopid thing dont post in Gurbanee for some reason lil help modz pls??! fanku :TH:

[OhTwadi]

^^^

104 times !! 108 times !! 40 days !!!! HEHHHH

whats up with the exact numbers?