How To Deal With The Past

[Guest _~singh~_]

(admin please dont delete this as i am not a member)

I have just found out that my soon to be wife has been with many men and this is troubling me ALOT! i havent been with anyone and waited and i feel so cheated and lied to!!!! i have fallen in love with her and she waited until i felt this way, i want to end it before i marry her i dont think she respects me, after all she lied to me!!! makes me so angry. what should i do!?

mod note: Ok topic has been allowed, if anything inappropriate is posted, posts will be deleted/edited.

She lied to you how? Did you ask her when you first met her and she lied to you about it? How did she cheat 'you'?

You act as if she stole something which belonged to you and then lied to you about it? Was it her choice what to do with her body or yours to enforce it on her? Did she force you to remain a virgin or did you choose to do so on your own?

If you have fallen in love and are now regretting doing so, then let me tell you such is not 'Love', only an impersonation of it.

She lied to my face and said that she had also waited, ive just been destroyed and your going on about how she lied to me and cheated me. she cheated me by deceiving me into this engagement thats how! she cheated me by playing with my emotions!

[Papi]

If you have fallen in love and are now regretting doing so, then let me tell you such is not 'Love', only an impersonation of it.

WAHHH !!!

[Papi]

She lied to my face and said that she had also waited, ive just been destroyed and your going on about how she lied to me and cheated me. she cheated me by deceiving me into this engagement thats how! she cheated me by playing with my emotions!

You actually asked her that question? :o

[Guru_Da_Chella]

(admin please dont delete this as i am not a member)

I have just found out that my soon to be wife has been with many men and this is troubling me ALOT! i havent been with anyone and waited and i feel so cheated and lied to!!!! i have fallen in love with her and she waited until i felt this way, i want to end it before i marry her i dont think she respects me, after all she lied to me!!! makes me so angry. what should i do!?

mod note: Ok topic has been allowed, if anything inappropriate is posted, posts will be deleted/edited.

She lied to you how? Did you ask her when you first met her and she lied to you about it? How did she cheat 'you'?

You act as if she stole something which belonged to you and then lied to you about it? Was it her choice what to do with her body or yours to enforce it on her? Did she force you to remain a virgin or did you choose to do so on your own?

If you have fallen in love and are now regretting doing so, then let me tell you such is not 'Love', only an impersonation of it.

She lied to my face and said that she had also waited, ive just been destroyed and your going on about how she lied to me and cheated me. she cheated me by deceiving me into this engagement thats how! she cheated me by playing with my emotions!

oh noo, i 1st thought you meant she had other bfs before you, or exes. But now you are saying she slept with guys too?

This is going to work. Also, you need to stop this engagement. Also you aren't married to her, so try not to get hurt. You can marry someone else, just be thankful you aren't marrying her. She told you before the marriage, this is good, if you feel messed around, then you were taking this too seriously. Your not married, so try not to take this seriously, otherwise it borders into bf-gf relationship, which clearly this girl seems used to, but how about you?

I know, your heart is probably broken and hurting, so please psuh this girl with excess baggae out of your life before she hurts you more.

She saw you as a decent guy, whom she wanted to marry, after other guys messed her around, and wanted to marry you, a decent guy. So, ultimately, this is your decision. I don't think I would pity girls like her, but soem guys do, it depends on their heart.

Just remember, you are only engaged, not marital partners yet, so just break it off!

You aren't destroyed either, its her own izzat thats been destroyed. You aren't married to a loose woman, just break it off and you'll be scott-free, able to find a decent wife with no excess baggage. Sometimes you have to be a man, you still have marriage to look forward to, this is nothing, trust me...

[Laadli Fauj]

ASK MAHARAJ WHAT TO DO

this a pretty big decision

[xHarinder_singh]

This girl acted clever with u. First she made u fall for her and then told u about her kanjarr past. U are lucky u arent married to such a loose charactered bibi.There are loads of bibis in this world, lol, u can surely find a better bibi than her.

No need to get serious about another mortal, this world is just a tamasha, dont take things seriously and read gurbani.

IH JAGG MEET NA DEKHIYO KOI.

[Guest _~singh~_]

Im just so messed up at the moment its killing me and she just cries now when I speak to her. I've never hurt anybody etc and this is how i get treated in the end. my family doesnt know about her past and nor will i tell them since its not my place only she can do that BUT my mum keeps saying she is soo proud to have a girl her in her (my) family. it kills me man its like a slap in the face. I went to the gurdwara and talked to God and God said its not my place to judge and i should forgive her. BUT 1) not my place to forgive cos only god can do that and 2) its very hard not to judge esp. when it happening to you......im lost at the moment i think im becoming ill because of it and have lost weight from the stress......its not good ive always been a happy person even through the bad times i smiled thinking God will help me. I used to pray to God that I would get a wife who was good and on my level too not just waiting til marriage but also someone who was trustful, honest and loyal. I didnt even get THAT............i just feel like crying.......im emotionally attached to her now since she waited til i fell in love with to tell me about her past......ive never felt these emotions before so they are intense and i love her and hate her at the same time.........sometimes i feel like killing her! then i forget bout her past, her lies etc for a moment and feel like hugging her......................................so messed up at the moment..

[Guest fikar nah karo]

You know what the problem is? You are stuck between ego and love. Its your manly ego which is taunting you, that how come you, a "pure" man can marry an "impure" girl. How come you, a person who never had the "wrong fun" marry someone who had lots of it. On the other hand, your love for her is asking you "Is that all?", "Thats it?", "Is that how much you love her?", and so your mind is on the brink of an emotional explosion. Brother, let me tell you one thing. You have to respect and appreciate the fact that this bibi disclosed her past to you. If it was another girl, she would never have. If you marry her, who knows whats next. Maybe she will definitely be loyal to you and respect you a lot more, or maybe not. I know its easier said than done. If I was in your place, I'd be feeling probably worse than you, who knows!

A friend of mine told me something remarkable ages ago. "No one is perfect, we all have our own flaws. If you can live with someone despite their flaws, its all good. If you can't, then you won't be able to live together". Its as simple as that. This bibi seems strong as she had the courage to speak up. If she is willing to rise and move forward with you, if she is strong enough to leave her past behind and not let it ruin her future, if she is willing to proceed ahead with a new and positive frame of mind with you by her side, by all means go for her. If she is going to act like a stupid Bollywood actress who weeps and whines and says "Oh I can't forget him", "Oh a girl never forgets her first love", "Oh a girl never forgets her first fill in this blank with whatever irritating filth you want to", then I suggest you stay away from her. She will bring you nothing but pain and misery.

And being a guy, I can tell you one thing for sure, that if you get married and some day in future you 2 have a heated argument over something, today you may say "No no I am not like that", but tomorrow you will be the one who will drag her past into this argument and shatter her heart and soul completely with your taunting and insulting comments. Lets admit it bro, its a Punjabi or desi filth in our culture, and men do that!

Go to the Gurdwara, do a silent and personal Ardas to Gurujee, and then take a Hukamnama. I am guessing you already have, so then follow what Gurujee said. As Sikhs, Gurujee's Hukam is the ultimate full stop for us, and we don't think once the word has come. If you still remain stuck between ego and love, or lets say ego and attachment, well, no wonder you are miserable because krodh is making its way in. The reason Gurbani calls the 5 vikaars as thieves is because you let one in, the others follow. You already have let 3 in, namely ego, attachment and anger. The 2 remaining are sexual desire and greed. Submit yourself to Gurujee before its too late, and pay heed to His words rather than ruining your health. Trust me its not worth it. Follow His Hukam.

Please forgive me if anything I said was incorrect on improper. I am myself a learner on this path, and this being a Sikh forum, I've tried talking to you as a Sikh, not as a Punjabi.

Whatever your decision is, or lets say, whatever Maharaj has intended, I wish you, and this bhenji all the very best, and may the kirpa of SatGuru Ji shower on both of you forever.

Guru Rakha

[alias]

Im just so messed up at the moment its killing me and she just cries now when I speak to her. I've never hurt anybody etc and this is how i get treated in the end. my family doesnt know about her past and nor will i tell them since its not my place only she can do that BUT my mum keeps saying she is soo proud to have a girl her in her (my) family. it kills me man its like a slap in the face. I went to the gurdwara and talked to God and God said its not my place to judge and i should forgive her. BUT 1) not my place to forgive cos only god can do that and 2) its very hard not to judge esp. when it happening to you......im lost at the moment i think im becoming ill because of it and have lost weight from the stress......its not good ive always been a happy person even through the bad times i smiled thinking God will help me. I used to pray to God that I would get a wife who was good and on my level too not just waiting til marriage but also someone who was trustful, honest and loyal. I didnt even get THAT............i just feel like crying.......im emotionally attached to her now since she waited til i fell in love with to tell me about her past......ive never felt these emotions before so they are intense and i love her and hate her at the same time.........sometimes i feel like killing her! then i forget bout her past, her lies etc for a moment and feel like hugging her......................................so messed up at the moment..

gurfateh

hate to say this, but iv been in the same situation..

1. i am not here to tell you what to do.. you WILL make the final choice.

2. if you decide to say, ok, lets be with her, you will think, 'but i love her, she is so good and brings happines to my mum' and such things. you will FORCE yourself to see the good side. (which is what you need to do hum nahi chungae bura nahi koe..) the only thing with this, is that this 'problem' will always be in your marrige. it will come up in arguments, whether it be spoken or in your mind.. you will (in the sense) be continously be punishing her forever... there will be no EQUALITY. this equality thing is the biggest problem.. 6-8 months down the line, if you have done somthing that is bad, you will(may) start to say to her, well, 'u aint exactly an angel'.. this equality thing wont be there... and gess what.. you think u are hurting now,, the longer you leave it, the more you will love her.. and then,... all that love will change into hurt.. and that nearly killed me... i went to hospital.. (but!! gurkirpa im ok!!!!)

this is what you need to be aware of... and not to mention wen you have kids and one of them turns around and says 'well mum dun this n that'. there are so many probs...

BUT! if you do deal with it, and can deal with it,, u will always have the upper hand cus she will see that you have accepted the un acceptible! so in the relationship, u will be better than her. (in the unspoken conversations that is there in every couple.)

and you also may think ' if my guru can forgive her, who am i to not forgiv her'?? this is another way of dealing with it if u decided to get marrid to her...

3. if you decide to BREAK it off, make sure u dont do it in anger or anything like that... you need to start looking at her just like any other girl... u dont owe her anything, and this will stop you thinking about her.. cus its hell wen 1 thing dont stop circling around in your head..

all in all, its alot more problems than goodness. and the problem will NEVER, NO MATTER how much you put it in the back of your head, will never go away.. so be careful..

the choice is up to you.. i suggest take bout a week off,from EVERYTHING, go to shri lanka or sonthing!! and THINK about what you want, what you can handel, and what you would like...

i wish you all the best khalsa ji...you have my love.

gurfateh..

[Pheena]

(admin please dont delete this as i am not a member)

I have just found out that my soon to be wife has been with many men and this is troubling me ALOT! i havent been with anyone and waited and i feel so cheated and lied to!!!! i have fallen in love with her and she waited until i felt this way, i want to end it before i marry her i dont think she respects me, after all she lied to me!!! makes me so angry. what should i do!?

mod note: Ok topic has been allowed, if anything inappropriate is posted, posts will be deleted/edited.

She lied to you how? Did you ask her when you first met her and she lied to you about it? How did she cheat 'you'?

You act as if she stole something which belonged to you and then lied to you about it? Was it her choice what to do with her body or yours to enforce it on her? Did she force you to remain a virgin or did you choose to do so on your own?

If you have fallen in love and are now regretting doing so, then let me tell you such is not 'Love', only an impersonation of it.

She lied to my face and said that she had also waited, ive just been destroyed and your going on about how she lied to me and cheated me. she cheated me by deceiving me into this engagement thats how! she cheated me by playing with my emotions!

Often we are cause of our own misery. How much and How many times did you emphasize that Virginity is important to you before you asked her about hers? Did you give her the opportunity to answer honestly or did you create an expectation that her answer had to be yes?