How To Deal With The Past

[Guest _~singh~_]

(admin please dont delete this as i am not a member)

I have just found out that my soon to be wife has been with many men and this is troubling me ALOT! i havent been with anyone and waited and i feel so cheated and lied to!!!! i have fallen in love with her and she waited until i felt this way, i want to end it before i marry her i dont think she respects me, after all she lied to me!!! makes me so angry. what should i do!?

mod note: Ok topic has been allowed, if anything inappropriate is posted, posts will be deleted/edited.

She lied to you how? Did you ask her when you first met her and she lied to you about it? How did she cheat 'you'?

You act as if she stole something which belonged to you and then lied to you about it? Was it her choice what to do with her body or yours to enforce it on her? Did she force you to remain a virgin or did you choose to do so on your own?

If you have fallen in love and are now regretting doing so, then let me tell you such is not 'Love', only an impersonation of it.

She lied to my face and said that she had also waited, ive just been destroyed and your going on about how she lied to me and cheated me. she cheated me by deceiving me into this engagement thats how! she cheated me by playing with my emotions!

Often we are cause of our own misery. How much and How many times did you emphasize that Virginity is important to you before you asked her about hers? Did you give her the opportunity to answer honestly or did you create an expectation that her answer had to be yes?

I made it very clear early on that Virginity etc is important and that i told her that if she is not comfortable witht that then please move on and find some one else. I told her that i hope she finds her soulmate etc and she told me that she was a virgin BUT she lied hence the problem. I duno what i have done to deserve this ive always been upfront about me and my beliefs AND she lied to me TO MY FACE. that kills me more cos the lies just made her character go down even more.........its just messed up man! i just feel lost atm.......................

[Guru_Da_Chella]

Im just so messed up at the moment its killing me and she just cries now when I speak to her. I've never hurt anybody etc and this is how i get treated in the end. my family doesnt know about her past and nor will i tell them since its not my place only she can do that BUT my mum keeps saying she is soo proud to have a girl her in her (my) family. it kills me man its like a slap in the face. I went to the gurdwara and talked to God and God said its not my place to judge and i should forgive her. BUT 1) not my place to forgive cos only god can do that and 2) its very hard not to judge esp. when it happening to you......im lost at the moment i think im becoming ill because of it and have lost weight from the stress......its not good ive always been a happy person even through the bad times i smiled thinking God will help me. I used to pray to God that I would get a wife who was good and on my level too not just waiting til marriage but also someone who was trustful, honest and loyal. I didnt even get THAT............i just feel like crying.......im emotionally attached to her now since she waited til i fell in love with to tell me about her past......ive never felt these emotions before so they are intense and i love her and hate her at the same time.........sometimes i feel like killing her! then i forget bout her past, her lies etc for a moment and feel like hugging her......................................so messed up at the moment..

I have to say, I don;t totally believe in this only God can only judge stuff. I believbe it is the lack iof judgement that lets people to do this stuff in the first place.

I do ardass of getting nice girl. You just have to keep doing ardass Just believe in yourself.

Emotional attachment, you need to beat this, and go beyond this. Remember she isn't your wife, you have no duty towards her. I don't believe in trying to be attached to a girl in this way without marriage, when I am single, I only believe in leading a single life. But engagement perhaps made put you more into the attachment?

There is a friend of mine, who is amrit-dhari, he was also unaware of girls and accidently went into dating relationshuip with a an amriot-dhari girl who was even more of lafumngi before she took amrit and had exes, and now she has gone back into this mentality. My friend has learnt from this, and this girl still behaves liberally with different men. I have learnt that people who make the gfs/bfs have a need to make a partner, so they need that emotionally attached relationship regardless of marriage.

You would have gone into marriage, and have been cut off from pre-marital activities full stop, however at the moment you are not married, and if you don't marry this girl, you will have to wait longer for a marital relationship.

I do not know what age you are, maybe you are perhaps young? But regardless you need to learn to not get emontionally attached with women in this way, and maybe reserve it for the woman that becomes your wife, not one that is going to become your wife. That is a reason that causes alot of problems. Many peopel think they are going to marry someone, liek bf-gf partnerships. Playas/playerettes really take advantage of this. Girls have lost their virginities because they have become attached to guys they "think" they are going to marry.

A marriage hasn;t happened until it happens, if it hasn;t happened then please behave as if marriage hasn;t happened, there is no marital relationsip without marriage, thge marital bond is not there. This will be a learning experience for you. But if this mariage doesn;t take place, from the emotions you have felt, this clearly seems like the girl will an ex for you, excess baggage.

Love and feelings can be overwhleming, sometimes it takes time to understand and control them. Allow the romacne, have mutual respect, find someone compatible etc. There are many many women, there is no need, and I mean no need to ponder over one. It makes me happy when I chat to or see a respectably behaved girl.

Although I am having difficulties finding a decent one, I am optimistic. Get up and fight, tommorow is another day. this girl has shook you, I understand , its scary, I have seen so many girls including from religious famileis making bfs and all this stuff, it has made me immune from the shock. Which is the reason I refuse to get serious with a girl, until she marries me. This serious stuff will hurt you like it has now, it happened to my friend as well, affected his uni grades, and this girl hadn;t slept with anyone either (not as far as I know). This love trap won't do justice for your marriage inb the long run. Marriage is so much more. One day you might understand.

I am really siorry for you, I wish I could help you myself,but hopefully this will benefit you in the long run. Maybve this was destiny, you found out before your marriage started. You have no reason to feel guilty, you are not married to her, shes not your partner I hope not, but you are behaving as if she is? I do not know if you believe in the pre-marital partnerships, but it seems this girl did, and you seem to have become trapped in one? If she initiated partnership then I hope you can get out. If you initiated a partnership with her, then I am afraid you would have some reason for giving tokha. But regardless you have an excuse not to marry her, and not even bf-gf or whatever is guarantee for mariage. I just hope you make it out ok, you haven;t done nothing wrong (hopefully), take your time now with whatever decision you make. And do something in life which can take our mind of things, work, paat, simran, friends (but decent ones with no gfs), etc etc.

[HSingh.]

If you can't forgive her then you dont deserve her

[Guest _~singh~_]

If you can't forgive her then you dont deserve her

Easier said than done. IF it was happening to you then your tune would change very quickly. I dont know you so i dont know what type of person you are BUT trust me people who do wait DO find it a problem and people who get around before marriage are usually the first to say forgive her etc.............

I know you are all saying that i should respect her for telling the truth WELL i respected her first by telling the truth about myself and what i was looking for in a wife. she could have said no and walked away BUT she lied to me and then i later DISCOVERED when she couldnt lie anymore about her colourful past from her. RESPECT HAS TO BE EARNT!!!!

mod edit: as previously warned please be careful what you say.

[Tarrandeep Kaur]

What upsets you more the fact she lied to you, or the fact she has a history? People change, fair enough she messed about before, but she wants a 2nd chance. If mahraj can forgive her of her sins, cant you at least try to put this behind you. Why make it a massive thing, if she has taken amrit since doing thse wrong actions then she has a new life, so you cant hold these things against her. Think about how she is feeling aswell, she obviously lied becuase she didnt want you to think bad of her etc.

End of the day, these things happen as a wake up call, when were all happy with our lovey dovey lives, we get a slap on our face reminding us that these relationships are false they can break at any time. Yeah fair enough this issue is going to play on your mind for a bit, but, as hard as it is to do, try and fight all these feelings of anger etc.

Use it is an opportunity to have some space from her, and sort yourself out.

Gurfateh jee

[Guest _~singh~_]

What upsets you more the fact she lied to you, or the fact she has a history? People change, fair enough she messed about before, but she wants a 2nd chance. If mahraj can forgive her of her sins, cant you at least try to put this behind you. Why make it a massive thing, if she has taken amrit since doing thse wrong actions then she has a new life, so you cant hold these things against her. Think about how she is feeling aswell, she obviously lied becuase she didnt want you to think bad of her etc.

End of the day, these things happen as a wake up call, when were all happy with our lovey dovey lives, we get a slap on our face reminding us that these relationships are false they can break at any time. Yeah fair enough this issue is going to play on your mind for a bit, but, as hard as it is to do, try and fight all these feelings of anger etc.

Use it is an opportunity to have some space from her, and sort yourself out.

Gurfateh jee

she has no interest in taking amrit. BUT BUT BUT so what if she took amrit, amrit doesnt magically erase your past! its still happened didnt it.

[Jap Har Har]

~Singh~ brother,

I can only try to understand what you are going through. The pain, the hurt, the emotional attatchment that has been established. "Bandhan". Kaun chute kaun bandhan baadhe?

Gurmukh's are free from bandhan, bondage, sukhmani sahib and other bani's state that, yet it is so so hard, not to attach yourself to the other sex especially when you are about to become life partners (marriage).

How long have you known her? Let me just take a wild guess, just an assumption, 6 months or a year. In that period of all the opening up, talking on the phone, days, nights, and everything in between like the dreams.

Did you discuss the names of your kids yet? Maybe..maybe not. Let me tell you about this guy who loved this girl (just an example so that you can compare your situation with others), the girl loved him too back then. She was in high school, hadnt yet stepped out of the house that much, hadnt seen the world in its true colors. The guy went away for 4 years, he made mistakes, flirted with other girls, yet his conscience or God's will kept him from having sex with other women. He loved her, just like you love her in that short period of your engagement until you found out about the lies. Anyways after some time the guy started to earn some good money, working like a dog you can say. Then he called her day and night from half the world away ..every single day for 3 to 4 hours. 600$ buks on long distance a month, apart from the rings from a diamond store, just so she feels a lil less lonely until he gets back, because currently as per immigration, he just just cant pack up and go.

They werent married yet, but it was much more than that for him...the true love, the match made in heaven, and he thought it was the same for her. Maybe it was the same for her..for some time, but she was in college now...15-20 guys behind her etc and she thought she could get much better/richer/ more successful guys than the first guy, things started changing...guy came back...he tried his best...overdid a lot of things. Didnt realize picking up pieces of shattered glass only cuts your hands. THIS IS 5 YEARS of planning your life together etc, listening to the so called name of his kids, working like a dog and coming back to catch her talking to other guys, flirting with them lying to you after everything. He was such an <banned word filter activated> that he sent her money as well even after calling her 4 hours everyday for 2 years....She cried etc, swore she would always stay true, but would change the next very day. One day she would cry and beg for forgiveness, next day she would say its over and the guy would cry...worse than a beggar cries for food.

I am sorry the example went too long, but brother...you just know her for a short time, imagine if you had spent 5 years. Dare to multiply your pain by 60 months or 5 years?? You are lucky that Maharaj showed you the truth now. Changey karam tere.....is man-mukh naalon taan kaafi changey.

Dont torture yourself, and do NOT let her torture you further. You could just sit her down, tell her that you are no one to judge her past decisions, however YOU, your mind, and your family cannot come to terms with that. Let her know you appreciate her telling you the truth, however she should have done that before the engagement to save both of you the pain and dukh.

And remember "Karn Karaan sab ek hai"

Pray my brother..pray...all I can say is Naam has the power to bring a man back from insanity.

I find this Asa di vaar album

very very peaceful, read it along with this Asa di vaar translation

if you have trouble understanding Gurmukhi.

[Pheena]

I made it very clear early on that Virginity etc is important and that i told her that if she is not comfortable witht that then please move on and find some one else. I told her that i hope she finds her soulmate etc and she told me that she was a virgin BUT she lied hence the problem. I duno what i have done to deserve this ive always been upfront about me and my beliefs AND she lied to me TO MY FACE. that kills me more cos the lies just made her character go down even more.........its just messed up man! i just feel lost atm.......................

Have you asked her why she lied to you?

[Guest _~singh~_]

Have you asked her why she lied to you?

she told me that she didnt want to lose me etc i just dont know what to do at the moment...............

[Mutheeaa]

she has no interest in taking amrit. BUT BUT BUT so what if she took amrit, amrit doesnt magically erase your past! its still happened didnt it.

Looks to me ... ur more messed up than her.

So amrit doesn't do anything .... also the hukumnama or guru sahib to forgive was also a ........

and virginity is the biggest deal. shows ur life priorities. :rolleyes: