Serious Marriage Problems

[Guest kaur]

Sat Sri Akal,

Am new to this - I have got major problems but got no one to turn to and now I have really come to the end, where I cannot take much more and need to explode. I have been married for over 6 months, and yes it was arranged. I just do not seem to get on with him at all. I am not attracted to him and therefore that's the biggest hurdle I cannot get over.

Another thing - he makes me perform oral *mod edit* which I hate. I really really wanted my marriage to work, wanted happiness and kept doing all those things but..

I know I am to blame but dunno what to do to change things. I try really hard and just as I think we ver very slowly making little progress, he goes and does something that irritates me. He is really clingy and I've told him I need space and take things slow, he says OK. but then 2 days later hes pestering me again.

I really hate me life at the mo, i also hate being at home, surrounded by people who don't like me.

I don't tell me friends cos then I they would keep askin me how I am, and i'll be a total wreck. I have a hidden life from all my frends - its horrible. I have so many emotions and feelings locked up. What do I need to do??

[MokhamSingh]

Your scenario is not unique. If we look at the world around us it is"Nanak Dukhia Sabh Sansar". That's the way Waheguru plays the game.

There is a way out of the dukh.

Wake up at amrit vela , do ishnaan , read/listen to Sri Sukhmani Sahib. Place a glass of a water besides you. After the paath drink the water and give the same water to your spouse/family members.

If there is any aspect of your physical relationship that you are uncomfortable with then explain this to your spouse in a gentle and loving way.

SriSukhmani Sahib will cure all your problems but have patience.

[ms514]

VAHEGURU JI KA KHALSA, VAHEGURU JI KI FATEH

One thing all married couples learn over time is that marriage = communication. Given your new marriage, it would be safe to assume that communication is not free flowing yet. Now would be a good time to start (provided your husband does not have any anger/violence issues). A sincere, honest and polite sit down talk is vital for this marriage to succeed. Otherwise, there may be things that are not being communicated on both sides that are leading to tension. This INCLUDES the bedroom - it may be time to communicate to each what is happening and your utter disdain for such acts - not everyone is into everything and he needs to know that. Talk it out and guage the response. You are NOT to blame - stop thinking of this as a blame problem - it is a communication problem.

Politeness and some discretion in terms of behavior is required for open communication. If he does things that irritate you, you should tell him, but find the appropriate setting to do so (i.e. NOT in front of friends/family and NOT in a demeaning/rude manner). If it is at home, just tell him politely (but without hesitation...be firm but polite) that you have an issue with whatever he does. Now, take this with some flexibility - two people will NEVER have everything in common and the same dislikes/likes. So if the things that annoy you are little, weigh out whether it really needs to be made an issue vs. the benefits of bringing it up.

Clinginess - well, he IS married to you . Seriously though, everyone has a different level of comfort with this. So what is clingy to you may be something else to someone. Telling your spouse that he is too clingy is not going to get a real good response (again...you are married...you are going to be kinda clinged together...hence that palla that you held during the Anand Karaj). Some of the clinglness may wear off in time, but you can try to channel it. Do stuff together as Gursikhs. Go to the Gurudwara and Sangat, Nagar keertans, etc. If he is shy (and you are not), try to find other married Gursikh couples to associate with so that he can slowly let go of you and start to build his his own friends. Try to find things you both like doing together or start to do some sort of seva together. It will foster some positivity and allow for growth.

Being surrounded by people you don't like sounds like you moved in with the in-laws. That is a tough situation. How does your spouse feel about moving out? Is it am option? A lot of feelings get hurt with this separation (usually of the parents), but it may be for the best, as this may also be fueling some of your distress. Your husband could be completely different person if you both were alone.

Marriage is HARD WORK - marriage with kids is even harder. So keep two things in mind. You have to (are supposed to) stay with this person for the rest of your life - might as well start to talk to him. A husban and wife who communicate and get along are nearly invinsible. They are the basic unit of Sangat for a Sikh, as Bhai Gurdas Sahib has stated that one Sikh is a Sikh, but two are Sangat. Divorce is serious stuff...forget legally, but spiritually. You did make a promise in front of Guru Sahib to get married (Anand Karaj) so keep that in mind.

If communication can be started, you both may come to acceptable terms with each other and who knows, be happy together. Now, if he just does not listen, has a temper or angers or even (God Forbid any of this) is violent, you may need to seek some respected elder's advice or even the Punj Pyare if you are Amritdhari (after all, where else can a child go but to a parent's lap when nothing else works?). But the communication needs to start now if there is to be any hope for your marriage or any happiness in general. Do it now, before a child enters the equation and complicates the formula! Because if you both do not support each other now, that child will make you both crazy!!!!

My best attempt to providing advice. It may work or it may not work. Most important step - do Ardaas from the bottom of your heart - say to Guru Sahib that Guru Ji, you destined us together, now please make us worthy of embodying the ideal of Gurbani:

ma 3 ||

dhhan pir eaehi n aakheean behan eikat(h)ae hoe ||

eaek joth dhue moorathee dhhan pir keheeai soe ||3||

Third Mehla:

They are not said to be husband and wife, who merely sit together.

They alone are called husband and wife, who have one light in two bodies. ||3||

Guru Granth Sahib Ji 788.

[Guest G]

Sat Sri Akal,

... *edit:truncated for brevity*. What do I need to do??

it's rare to see ant old school arranged marriages these days...so I take it by arranged you man modern arranged...your families introduced you to each other..photos swapped ...and you met and talked etc..before being given the choice of saying yes or no...

Basically simple question...if you werent attracted to him, or didint seem to be getting along with him... why did you agree to get married to him ?

Ok..too late for that now...your already married...the not getting along thing can be sorted out..it's going to take time and a lot of communication and hard work from both sides 6 months is not a long time in marriage terms it's early days. Despite what people say...an "instant click" just doesnt happen, it's all about communication sacrifice, compromise...and hard work...unfortunately always more so for girls because your moving into a new family and have to adjust to a new environment.

What makes you say people around you at home dont like you ? Again...your in a new family...relationships arent going to be made overnight you have to work at them takes time and communication...and overall adjustment...

Where you have a a major problem is..that your not attracted to your husband...this cant be fixed...theres no miracle cure,...there is either chemistry or there isnt, you should have really known this...when you first intially and just not agreed to get married if it wasnt going to work for you... Get some professional help, counselling ec..if theres no-one you ca directly talk to in terms of family or friends..

[Only five]

Attractive is a major problem, aren't some pepole really superficial. What I am going to tell you now requires no miracles and no rabbits being pulled out of hats. Beauty or in this case being handsome is the biggest miracle in this world because in about say 10 years that exterior shell is going to start looking like old cloths, which you probably had in the 90s. Even though those clothes are old, you would have built somewhat of a bond with them, when you think back where you wore them and what took place. Those memories will make you see the real beauty in those clothes. The good times and bad times in those cloths will help you grow to love them even more, even though the cloth are old and out of fashion.

To speed up the process to realize the real beauty, I say you start doing Sr Sukhmani Sahb everyday. On this issue(attractiveness), it's all in your head. You need to start thinking like a Gursikh and if I can say, less superficial.

And the other issues talk to him and tell him your not comfortable. Get him to start doing Sri Sukhmani Sahib the Paath aswell and if he doesn't then go to the Gurdwara and do seva together their. You need to change his thinking, which isn't easy, but Gurbani can do it in a split second.

Find a way to help him mix with Chardikala Singhs. His ways will change and he will start thinking in terms of Gurmat.

[Guest _MGPP_]

Sat Sri Akal,

*edit:truncated for brevity*...What do I need to do??

Dear Panji

Please dont think Oral XXX is bad, nothing intimate between a married couple is "bad".

On the attraction side, I am confused on how and why you agreed to marry someone only six months ago and now find him un attractive. Is this a geniune post? If so please give me some more details.

MGPP

[sherlsurj]

awww im sympathise with u so much. my best girl mate went thru the same thing so i know what im talking about. u shudnt do anything u dnt wanna be strong. i hopr things turn out better 4 u. they did 4 my mate eventually after much talkimng and space from her hubby. . pm me and ill get her to mesage u.