Breaking Of An Engagement

[london001]

A few weeks back I broke of my engagement. I am from the UK and the girl was from India. However, once I returned to the UK i found out that she had lied about her degree, she didn't have one. It wasnt a massive issue for me but this whole episode revealed another side to her, the lies, being sneaky, getting caught out but continuing to lie.

I feel really sorry for her because she is in a horrible situation. I thought long and hard before I broke of the engagement, the main issue for me wasnt that she'd lied, but that she continued to lie to me and to my parents for weeks and only told the truth when she had no choice. My dad told her that a degree wasn't a big issue and that we just whated someone honest and decent and her reply was 'i have a degree'. In the end I felt that i couldn't trust her; i thought how hard it would be to marry someone who you know has lied to you before hand.

How her mum and been phoning us, pleading not to break off the engagement. She comes out with some rather strange stuff. 'what else have we lied to you about' 'i can promise you that she will never let another lie' even though her mum was in on the lie she was telling us, 'why are you making such a big deal'. Today she said that her daughter has been ill ever since we broke of the engagement and she was pleading with me to change my find. the girl sound very upset.

i don't know what to do now, part of me feels that i have been responsible for messing us a girl's life - causing besti to her family - and prehaps i should decide to marry her. anyone think marrying her would be the right thing to do. i've like to know what the girls on here think - i'd like to get a woman's point of her.

[PAL 07]

TRUST ME YOU DID THE RIGHT THING....

She was only interested in getting into the UK...I know a friend who went thru similar things...he accepted all the lies married a amritdhari girl who was dodgy, parents used to lie and her brothers.. when she came to the UK she set him up in a domestic violence case, got him prosecuted and she got full UK citizenship within 2 months of arrival..

So don't feel bad if that woman is lying now she's bound to cause more problems in the future.. i recommend you get married in the UK or Canada, USA ...India is bad news nowadays

[buddasingh]

Not a woman's point here, but first you are not responsible for messing up a girl's life. You are to be credited with giving the opportunity for her to straighten out her life.

Your actions from the post seem quite honorable. The only additional thing I could suggest is trying to separate her mother's lies from the 'girl's' lies. But even then you still have someone who lied. It sounds like she is missing a moral compass. And that is the key...to determine that in this case by seeing if she understands what she did is wrong and if she has an explantion. It is very sad that many indian immigrants to the west (and sometimes 2nd generation kids!) are getting a reputation in new lands (due to a combination of racism yet reality) of being liars. I am stunned how punjabi's who identify with sikhi can deliver bald faced lies with a smile. They are shameless.

[BABBAR KHALISTANI]

You know what mate...no-one can know this better than you. All people on this forum won't know the finer details about the Girl and her family more than you. It's easier to say just break the engagement coz she lied to you but what's the guarantee any other girl will tell you truth about each and everything. Just a simple question...How many girls and boys for that matter reveal to their partners on how many ppl have they had sex with before? People lie and lie big..... its you who can decide whether to persist with her or not....just get to know her better and see what's she's on about....and then decide what step to take.

[apnepart2]

No two person are the same. Everyone is different . What is important to me may be of no value to someone else. Break up of marriages is not uncommon in India. Break up of engagements is no big deal. I mean people do talk but thats how it is in India. People talk even if you go to washroom an hour later than your usual time. Dont worry about that. It is totally wrong to decide based upon the girls situation. You didnt marry her then why worry. As long as you didnt get physical, infact even getting getting physical is no big deal. Either you are too naive or too senstive. Emotional blackmail is very common in India. The girl should have thought about this before she lied to you. Did she think about the hurt you would feel upon knowing the lies she told you? Obviously she thought about only herself. Her family knew what you were looking for but didnt give a damn whether you got that or not. It would be terrible if you were to start life with this girl based upon sympathy and pity or Guilt. That spells only one word. Depression.

On a side note you are never gonna get 100 %, thats life. But you cannot see a fly and eat it too. If you had found it after marriage then it would have been wise to carry on with her. But since you are not married the wise thing is to stay away from her.

Also i am not a woman and i dont give a damn, its not a woman whos gonna marry her.

P.S - i am assuming you gonna be able to find a suitable girl for marriage. If not and this is your only and last chance of avoiding being unmarried all your life, please marry her.

[MansWisdom]

I posted this before on another thread and thought I'll post it here. London001 move on in life you have been worrying about this issue for the last few months... You been posting here and sikhnet. If your that worried forget the marriage with her pretend she never existed.. This way all that tension and pointless thoughts you have wasted and will keep on doing if you keep thinking about this. Forget marriage concentrate on naam. It is the only thing that will help you, why waste time in pointless thoughts?

There are bare marriage problems/issues on here.

Heres a solution:

Forget marriage, instead spend your time doing simran/bani and seva

Marriage causes problems and problems = depression

Marry Waheguruuuu

If you want to talk to someone talk to waheguru

If you want children adopt or IVF

PROBLEM SOLVED

[Hau Apraadhi]

VJKK VJKF

This guy I know was re-married for few years, and when his wife (who was from india) got permanent stay in UK (which was recently) she left him and now got a divorce. So theres a possibility that she will leave you after getting permanent here in UK if you did decide to get back with her.

VJKK VJKF

[harjapbhangal]

Unfortunately i see this all of the time in my job. It's becoming more and more common. In my opinion you should move on otherwise you'll end up depressed. If you marry her everytime you have a row or fight this will come back and bug you. The fact is if you didn't lie to them then you can't expect to accept lies from them. She only told the truth after you caught her out. It's a sorry situation but at the end of the day you deserve to get what you want. There could be lots of stuff that she perhaps has not revealed to you. If she gets into the UK you'll have problems sending her back. You will also have to wait for a year before you can start a divorce and if she goes into hiding then you'll have trouble getting divorced as you wont be able to locate her.

There are plenty of marriages with indian girls that do work out and you shouldn't be put off from marrying in india. Just perhaps not maybe to this girl.

[kauragours]

Marriage should be based on mutual trust and respect. are these not the basis of any relationship, be it with your life partner or with god?

I am a girl and if I felt I could lie to my future husband, how could I have any respect for him? No reason or justification can be given for this, its not a chance encounter she's having. this is supposed to be the rest of your life. Don't build you house on sand.

[West London Singh]

No London001. Everybody here is a giving a knee <banned word filter activated> reaction. Nobody, has looked at the situation objectively. Now, put yourself in the girls position. Put your family in the position her family was in. They are in India. A country where they live as second class citizens as Sikhs. A state in India (Punjab) where a degree is worthless. You can get 10 or 15 degrees but it ain't gonna do you no good because the jobs go to the rich urban class and the poor rural classes. A degree (probably either from Punjab University or worse still 'Lovely Professional University) that would not be worth the paper it was written on here in the UK (which begs the question why you even insisted on it). You, as the girls parents have the chance to get your daughter married to a good respectable boy from a good respectable family in the UK. The family ask if the girl has a degree, because it's one of their requirements. Which Punjabi family with an ounce of common sense is gonna say 'No' ?...when they know a degree certificate can be made up in a matter of hours and the naqli one is just as useless as an asli one. They saw your question as a minor point and they saw their lie as a minor point. And the truth is it is a minor point. Therefore, I think it might be wrong to judge the girls character on a thing that every other girl and family in Punjab would have also done the same.

I might also add at this point that I also got married to a girl from India and one of my main requirements was that the girl most definately should not have a degree. I wanted a girl who lived and grew up out on the khoo. A toughened up girl. One that knew how to talk....how to phatta phatt make rotian. (cos generally the girls out on the farmhouses are a lot savvier and smarter than the girls in the village itself...because the girls out on the farmhouse are used to doing everything themselves at short notice). I knew from experience that the girls with degrees struggle making rotian and daals. A girl with a worthless degree that can't make roti is of no use to any of us in the UK.

Have a long hard think about whether or not she deserves another chance. I think she might do.