I Dont want to get Married

[Guest 1]

A few things that came to mind when reading OP's post and thinking about marriage in general.

1) Be mature and respectful. How do you know that this Singhni doesn't have a stronger jeevan than you? She could be 10x more strict and might think that your jeevan isn't strong enough. (If you have already heard from the family and you know for sure that your jeevans are different then fair enough, but generally and for future rishteh, try to be open minded and reserve judgement).

2) Don't dismiss someone until you have given them a fair chance. Speak to her honestly and openly about her jeevan, her beliefs and the way she wants to live her life before making a decision.

3) If your vichaar don't match, that's perfectly ok. She will most probably recognise this and say no to you too. Just politely explain that you think that you are very different people with different views and you don't think it will work. You will have spoken to this person once, she isn't going to be heartbroken if you don't want to speak to her again.

4) Be appreciative of the fact that your family is trying to do what they think is in your best interests as is the girls family. Both families have given their time and effort to set up this meeting, so don't dismiss their efforts immediately. That's quite rude and disrespectful.

5) Most people going through a traditional "arranged" process will feel the same way at some point. You're going to constantly be set up with people who you don't get along with. The entire process is difficult and stressful. This is the time to work on your jeevan and make sure that your rehat and lifestyle matches that of a potential spouse.

Leave everything to Satguru. Whatever happens will always be for the best. Thum karhu bhalaa, hum bhalo naa jaanae, thum sadha sadha dayala. Everything Waheguru does for us is for your own good, but we don't always recognise that.

Bhull chuk maaf.

[Guest 1]

Everyone talks before hand "Oh she'll see you and how dedicated to Sikhi you are, and she'll adjust accordingly". These are huge leaps of faith people expect others to take, and pearls of wisdom people dispense for others but when it comes to themselves they suddenly demand only the best.

This is one of the truest statements I have ever read. It's SO easy for people to tell you to compromise, but sometimes there are certain requirements that are pretty much set in stone because they're that important, which is completely acceptable.

This is the rest of your life and YOU have to live with the consequences of this decision. Everyone else can dish out their opinion and walk away from the situation. But where are they going to be when your marriage is in trouble because you compromised on a huge requirement? They will be getting on with their own lives. They don't have to deal with the repercussions.

If there is something you feel THAT strongly about, be stubborn. Don't agree to anything unless you are completely happy and comfortable.

[rrss]

i want a naam simran bani reciting wali singhini

They are rare but exist. Where do you live? PM me.

[Guest HSK]

say NO to your parents (be diplomatic with them), I am pretty sure your an adult and you alone should make your own life decisons although gathering input/recommendations from your parents is good but in the end it will be your call nothing will change that. Dont get pressured into something you will regret and make your own day to day life miserable. YOU WILL AND SHOULD MAKE THE FINAL CHOICE.

Harmanjit Singh Khalsa

[Guest kaur]

I have a few years before even thinking about marriage, but I agree with the op because I have always wanted my future partner to be exactly the same as me or better. Personally, what I think is important is things like rehat/jathebandi definateley else problens can crop up so easily. If you have different views on rehat/sucham/bibek everything is going to turn out like hell because some of us do have a crazily strict jeevan, i hope i do aswell one day. For eg if one person has a stric amritwela and the other doesn't , its is going to be hard because yes you are both amritdari but there are lots of 'types' of them. I hate to say that but at the moment this is true and I think compromising is right in terms of lifestyle/daily-stuff/eating/hobbies etc, but I do not think that the chardikala singhs would ever compromise with a differen rehat. If your wife wants to eat out at a restaurant like some amritdaris do, a strict singh would not be able to compromise. theres a problme.

[Guest StrictSingh]

THANK YOU SADH SANGAT JI

we met 2-3 days ago

bhen ji was pretty as my parents had said but we agreed not to.

I took her for a walk and talked to her. my parent didnt want me to but her parents insisted. I asked her about her rehit maraydha, she was very open and said he was not strict she does her nitnem and 30 min simran which is great really great but wasnt at my level also she wasnt an amritvela person. i told her if we get married you will need to start sarabloh bibek and also get up the same time as i do. and strict yourself from most foods and more. she said she could start if after marrage but she couldnt promise me. i alos said i will help you but you have to promise me you will try your best to keep my rehit or close to it. she thought for a while and denied. she openly said i cant keep that kind of rehit and she doesnt wnat me to feel bad with her if she doesnt. i said it wouldnt make me angry if you didnt but i need a singhini that can keep me from slacking off. she said sshe couldnt do so because she to gets lazy here and there so we agreed not to get married. she was really nice. i was trying to be nice hopefully i was. i told her i wasnt trying to judge her in anyway. i also asked her how she wants her singh she repied someone that will keep me happy and who is fun lol haha that stills kool. i know i wouldnt be fun.

when we got home she told both parents she cant keep my kind of rehit and that she denies but her parents were happy they didnt mind. bbut mine they wanted to kill me afterwards.

hopefully i did the right thing bhen ji was awesome were friends now hopefully she can mind me a strict sinighini oone day but for now ill stay behangam. i have to keep loving waheguru ji and keep going the way im going. please do ardass for me sadh sangat ji and hopefully waheguru ji keeps his hand upon my head

[VanHelsingh]

THANK YOU SADH SANGAT JI

we met 2-3 days ago

bhen ji was pretty as my parents had said but we agreed not to.

I took her for a walk and talked to her. my parent didnt want me to but her parents insisted. I asked her about her rehit maraydha, she was very open and said he was not strict she does her nitnem and 30 min simran which is great really great but wasnt at my level also she wasnt an amritvela person. i told her if we get married you will need to start sarabloh bibek and also get up the same time as i do. and strict yourself from most foods and more. she said she could start if after marrage but she couldnt promise me. i alos said i will help you but you have to promise me you will try your best to keep my rehit or close to it. she thought for a while and denied. she openly said i cant keep that kind of rehit and she doesnt wnat me to feel bad with her if she doesnt. i said it wouldnt make me angry if you didnt but i need a singhini that can keep me from slacking off. she said sshe couldnt do so because she to gets lazy here and there so we agreed not to get married. she was really nice. i was trying to be nice hopefully i was. i told her i wasnt trying to judge her in anyway. i also asked her how she wants her singh she repied someone that will keep me happy and who is fun lol haha that stills kool. i know i wouldnt be fun.

when we got home she told both parents she cant keep my kind of rehit and that she denies but her parents were happy they didnt mind. bbut mine they wanted to kill me afterwards.

hopefully i did the right thing bhen ji was awesome were friends now hopefully she can mind me a strict sinighini oone day but for now ill stay behangam. i have to keep loving waheguru ji and keep going the way im going. please do ardass for me sadh sangat ji and hopefully waheguru ji keeps his hand upon my head

Bhaji, what a post! The complete honesty and candidness from yourself as well as the Bibi Ji was first class. A very mature approach. You did well by laying it all out so she could decide whether the relationship was one she could work with. Again, respect to the Bibi for knowing herself and being honest enough about it that she didn't lead you and herself into any potential dramas by agreeing to the rishta. I really hope things work out for you... and I hope the Bibi you met also finds the kind of Singh she'll be comfortable with!

[rrss]

Good approach, but please also consider for future that we do not fully know ourselves or what is planned by God. Did sikhs of old have so much doubt when it came to marriage and yet they have become great amritdhari families? It is definitely good to exercise your judgement, but also balance this with input from your parents (marriage is more than just rehat, parents who have had a good happy marriage and children know what makes a relationship work which you cannot imagine at your level of experience, there are challenges that you can not know of until you experience them). Have faith in God. He does not let down the true gurmukh in spiriritual matters and marriage is very much a spiritual matter- two bodies one light. Pray to God and ask him to let you know which is the right match, that is the true way when one is following hukam one has a strong relationship with God. Bhul chuk maaf and Godspeed.

[Guest KAUR]

Good approach, but please also consider for future that we do not fully know ourselves or what is planned by God. Did sikhs of old have so much doubt when it came to marriage and yet they have become great amritdhari families? It is definitely good to exercise your judgement, but also balance this with input from your parents (marriage is more than just rehat, parents who have had a good happy marriage and children know what makes a relationship work which you cannot imagine at your level of experience, there are challenges that you can not know of until you experience them). Have faith in God. He does not let down the true gurmukh in spiriritual matters and marriage is very much a spiritual matter- two bodies one light. Pray to God and ask him to let you know which is the right match, that is the true way when one is following hukam one has a strong relationship with God. Bhul chuk maaf and Godspeed.

Sorry to say but you dont know their rehat either. We were not there at the time. But I assue that they were ALL strict. all singhnia were proper singhnia so there was no need to doubt them. In todays world there are a lot of people that take amrit yet are no different to non-amritshaks in many ways such.

i respect the op for giving priority to rehat. yes you can have a 'happy family' and good relationships but can you be a happy singh by breaking your rehat. What you done was great Singh ji, it inspired me.

[GurujisDaughter]

THANK YOU SADH SANGAT JI

we met 2-3 days ago

bhen ji was pretty as my parents had said but we agreed not to.

I took her for a walk and talked to her. my parent didnt want me to but her parents insisted. I asked her about her rehit maraydha, she was very open and said he was not strict she does her nitnem and 30 min simran which is great really great but wasnt at my level also she wasnt an amritvela person. i told her if we get married you will need to start sarabloh bibek and also get up the same time as i do. and strict yourself from most foods and more. she said she could start if after marrage but she couldnt promise me. i alos said i will help you but you have to promise me you will try your best to keep my rehit or close to it. she thought for a while and denied. she openly said i cant keep that kind of rehit and she doesnt wnat me to feel bad with her if she doesnt. i said it wouldnt make me angry if you didnt but i need a singhini that can keep me from slacking off. she said sshe couldnt do so because she to gets lazy here and there so we agreed not to get married. she was really nice. i was trying to be nice hopefully i was. i told her i wasnt trying to judge her in anyway. i also asked her how she wants her singh she repied someone that will keep me happy and who is fun lol haha that stills kool. i know i wouldnt be fun.

when we got home she told both parents she cant keep my kind of rehit and that she denies but her parents were happy they didnt mind. bbut mine they wanted to kill me afterwards.

hopefully i did the right thing bhen ji was awesome were friends now hopefully she can mind me a strict sinighini oone day but for now ill stay behangam. i have to keep loving waheguru ji and keep going the way im going. please do ardass for me sadh sangat ji and hopefully waheguru ji keeps his hand upon my head

I would say you did right veerji. And I realized that a singhni can give a better answer then saying she wants someone who is fun. Not judging but, personally I think it gets clear what is most important thing you are looking in him. Just wait sometime, you will get your true singhni

I totally understand how important rehet is. You should seek for person who is kinda equal or perhaps a little higher then you so they can make you higher aswell! Its this the whole reason of Anand Karaj!