Stuck In A Terrible Marriage

[singhbj singh]

Bhai-o and Ladies there is a simple solution but someone will have to take a beating.

Plot is, Gabbar tries to flirt with heroine, she screams "bachao-bachao" then comes Dharmendar who gives villian a bashing n saves Basanti & they live happily ever after.

Now we know who hero n heroine are, will suggest not-pappu Akalfauji to play Gabbar, help a sister in need.

[TheLion]

This doesn't seem to be working out, marriages need love, it's what makes them work. In this day and age it's less frowned upon to leave a marriage and right now it seems even if you want to do right he isn't letting you. You need to do whats good for you, have faith in Waheguru, even if your husband doesn't let you develop your Sikhi find time and just close your eyes and concentrate on Waheguru's name. I believe everyone needs happiness in their lives, there is too much pain and sorrow in this world. There are organisations set up to help women in your situation but at the end of the day the decision is up to you, stay at a loved ones house until you figure out what to do.

Peace

[Akalifauj]

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[Akalifauj]

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[Guest Guest]

Guru Sahib has given his power to the Panj Pyare. Gurbani clearly states ALL worldly suffering is taken away by Naam. No clever arguments, persuasion or debates can take away from those two facts.

Either listen to your Guru, go to the Panj and do more Bhagti, or you can listen to all the anonymous voices on an Internet forum and go and get a divorce.

And you'd be suprised how many so called gursikh couples have in the past at some point had issues with domestic violence - some quite famous figures.

[Guest GuptKaur]

Thanks for all th advice . Things have progressed now - I found out yesterday his friends (one can only assume via him) have started to register bank accounts, bills and defaulted debts on my elderly mothers house. These people are turban wearing "sikhs". Every time I've spoken out against him he's pipped me to the post and now no one will listen to a word of mine. I can't divorce yet for a few months but also I haven't got evidence for an annulment (he's very clever to be mostly verbal) . I am scared if I do anything now he will run to India (because frankly he faces jail here - thank god I've been keeping photos and evidence) and I'll have to wait 2-5 years for a divorce because he will be untraceable. They have all got me cornered . Once I cancelled the visa application (he had left me after the marriage) and my things went to the wrong address (his old address ie his friends) . I had to listen to so much abuse then was made to walk to an Internet cafe and write a retraction, and call someone I had asked for help from and say I was lying while he and his friend sat in the front of the car (later in the day). He said if I didn't then he would have to commit suicide . All my money has gone to India , all his does too and then he makes my same elderly mother bale him out. She even pays half our rent - I've tried to tell her not to without exposing him but he is so very manipulative and my mum will end up worse if he makes a runner as we will be left with a tenancy also the debt he's put me into (he doesn't give me money- I buy petrol on my credit card and pay one off with another while India is being marbled!!!) im just so tired of it. He won't confront his friends using my mother - I can't tell him either because he will tip them off and we won't get any justice . I'm utterly exhausted

[simran345]

Okji I wasn't going to comment on this topic as any advice may affect a persons life and future, but when ur writing things like u had to sleep on the floor and he says he's going to take u to a pimp, I'm sorry but why are u taking this ?

I feel he is not going to change suddenly, u have to also defend yourself from this abuse. Our community gets ashamed and worried of telling somebody which is understandable but u have to show u are stronger. Don't even let him hurt ur soul, either get help from somewhere or u fight this battle in ur own and hurt more. If he's doing it for the permanent residence then he's already showing his true colours. Don't give it to him simple. Akalifaujis answer is good, be away from him then he will realise wat is precious when he misses it. Our Gurus fought for equality and this is how our people behave.

Do u have any friends that u can get help from? Wat about his friends wives, do they know ? Just because u are Sikh why do u have to suffer? I'm sorry but our Gurus did not say get urself walked over either. There's always a solution and u have to balance it correctly. Nobody knows ur situation in real but you and those nearest, I feel u should do and think about wat u are to do realistically and for your benefit Ji.

Nobody can make the decision for you sister, you have to do that yourself. You can read the advise and opinions to help you see it from a different angle as you are going through so many emotions.

The best thing would be to first go to a marriage counselling organisation, is there any that deal with Punjabi or amritdhari families that anybody knows of? I'm wondering if you should approach your Doctor, even thou it's not a medical issue, they can guide you to counselling, you need to keep your mental side strong as you are going through a difficult time. I'm just worried about how it's affecting you. You are an intelligent lady born in this country and you need to also do ur own research in order to get help. And do ardas ask Waheguru to do wat is right for you and to lead you in right direction.

And also Questioner penji is a caring soul, not many offer that care without knowing somebody, well done for understanding humanity and being there for somebody that needs help.

Good luck Waheguru mehr kare

[simran345]

http://www.sikhhelpline.com/kaurnect

So did the above offer any advice if you have nowhere to go, any support for women in ur situation or on their own?

Also I would not let people and the community, gurdwara, be ur worries, that will only add to ur problems. We came in this world alone and we will go alone. It is a difficult situation sister, and ur going through a lot, but be strong and whatever you decide, Waheguru is always with you, do what is right for you. Some very gud responses by posters too, good logical advise.

[bakhshle]

Telling a woman to try harder to make her abusive husband change is the most idiotic and dangerous advice you could give. It is becuase of the advice of people like yourself that so many women and families have irreversibly ruined their lives.YOU are perpetuating a harmful and deluded belief system.

Maharaj can change anything if they so wish, obviously. But they do not wish for us to sit still and take beatings whilst praying that they might one day stop. A Kaur is sovereign, courageous, and loved by her Father - she has every right to stand up and leave any abusive situation. What would Guru Sahib, or the real Singhs, have said and done? I think they would have instantly gone to sort this douche out but, at the very least, they'd have kept their daughter/ sister safe. And here you are today, telling her to put up with <banned word filter activated> in case things change.

Think. Your words have consequences, even on a forum.

This is coming not from a "15 year old" "paapu poster", but a paapu who's unfortunately had experience in the matter.

To add, what if a baby comes to the picture. Who would be responsible for his/her future? Decision is entirely yours. Guru ji had said, give your opponent 3 chances and then it's time to get armed and fight back.

or you can do "parchi" thing, get 2 parchis - divorce or settlement, do ardas and get it picked up by a kid in gurdwara, choose this to do only if you have courage to follow the decision made by Guru sahib. This thing is real and many spiritual beings do this to get out of doubtful situations or seek Guru sahib's advice.

Bhagti is needed, of course in everything, but Sikh is a warrior too.

Gud luck

[MisterrSingh]

Divorce should always be the last course of action, and despite everything I've said previously, in recent years it has become the first choice for Sikhs in the west (if the UK is any indication; things might be different in North America).

I'm sure most of us of a certain age have heard of cases where a Sikh couple get married, and a few months later it emerges they've separated and a divorce is imminent if not already finalised. That kind of nonsense has cheapened the process of marriage, but unless there are extraordinary circumstances such as a philandering partner not behaving themselves, medical conditions kept secret which later emerged, spousal abuse, etc, the desire to solve issues through divorce is too common.

Some of our people are ill suited to marriage - guys and girls - because they lack vital qualities such as patience, empathy, emotional maturity, basic common sense. The most important is perhaps compromise, but again, that's one quality we as a culture are not known to possess in great measures. But then compromise can only ever occur when BOTH sides desire an outcome which addresses a common interest, I.E. the survival of that marriage. In that case there's something tangible to work with that more than likely will result in the marriage being salvaged. However, if the guy is facing north and the girl is heading south - and there is simply no desire to reconcile under any circumstances for the myriad of reasons I've mentioned previously such as infidelity, abuse, etc - then nothing can be done at all.