What do I do

[sikhni777]

2 hours ago, Jacfsing2 said:

Thanks, I honestly thought the site had a chance of getting extra hacked. Already have someone with the exact same username.

Keeping aside our highly justified fears of hacking, Ops situation brings to my mind the state of many Indian families. Should a man listen to his parents every word and whisper and ignore the effect it has on his life? Well not all of them are the same - but this particular breed one of which happens to be my husband - is one typical example. 

This year I have had to sacrifice - my bed, my room, my freedom, my time and my brains for his parents. His parents came to attend two family weddings and had a major disagreement with thin their son who gave them rude words and treated them with hostility and refused them to stay at their place. They are still at talking terms. However I had to give up my room and welcome people who have no respect for our need for quiet study space for my son. The TV blares aloud with sikh sangat and this has been going on for the last 5 months. I am in the kitchen - long hours and when I am tired - I have to retire onto a mattress. My 7 year old son - in the same room with us. No time to spend reading a book with him. I am tired and worn out. I have not had a good nights sleep for ages now it seems. I am so fed up and when I complain I am told to face life like an adult. 

They contribute to almost nothings and just hang around bad mouthing me to the extent that my husband gives me rude words and thinks me bad. I have decide to just be quiet and go through it as there is just one more month to go through. I have not been able to go to work as I am worried about leaving them on their own as they forget to switch off the gas after cooking. I am very angry at the whole family... because it is not me solely who should be taking the responsibility of shopping for every little item like milk and bread - and getting told off when we run out. 

I am now having severe headaches from the noise and feel like my brains going to give way. No one will understand what I have had to go through. If I voice my opinions then I seem to come out as the mean one who wants to throw the parents out. I am so fed up of them and just wish for the time they actually go visiting some place so I can get a breathing space.

Not the ideal test I would expect a marriage to bring on. Its like the parents decide for my husband what is good for him and how he should lead his life. he sacrifices every bit he can for them. Some ladies simply cannot put up with all this and I guess go for a divorce. 

So I guess OP would be blessed if this behaviour has been identified and she has the chance of looking for a better partner. 

[MisterrSingh]

In an era where guys are all too eager to relinquish ties with their family due to the whims of their women, I'd say he proved himself quite honourable by respecting the wishes of his parents. 

[simran345]

56 minutes ago, sikhni777 said:

Keeping aside our highly justified fears of hacking, Ops situation brings to my mind the state of many Indian families. Should a man listen to his parents every word and whisper and ignore the effect it has on his life? Well not all of them are the same - but this particular breed one of which happens to be my husband - is one typical example. 

This year I have had to sacrifice - my bed, my room, my freedom, my time and my brains for his parents. His parents came to attend two family weddings and had a major disagreement with thin their son who gave them rude words and treated them with hostility and refused them to stay at their place. They are still at talking terms. However I had to give up my room and welcome people who have no respect for our need for quiet study space for my son. The TV blares aloud with sikh sangat and this has been going on for the last 5 months. I am in the kitchen - long hours and when I am tired - I have to retire onto a mattress. My 7 year old son - in the same room with us. No time to spend reading a book with him. I am tired and worn out. I have not had a good nights sleep for ages now it seems. I am so fed up and when I complain I am told to face life like an adult. 

They contribute to almost nothings and just hang around bad mouthing me to the extent that my husband gives me rude words and thinks me bad. I have decide to just be quiet and go through it as there is just one more month to go through. I have not been able to go to work as I am worried about leaving them on their own as they forget to switch off the gas after cooking. I am very angry at the whole family... because it is not me solely who should be taking the responsibility of shopping for every little item like milk and bread - and getting told off when we run out. 

I am now having severe headaches from the noise and feel like my brains going to give way. No one will understand what I have had to go through. If I voice my opinions then I seem to come out as the mean one who wants to throw the parents out. I am so fed up of them and just wish for the time they actually go visiting some place so I can get a breathing space.

Not the ideal test I would expect a marriage to bring on. Its like the parents decide for my husband what is good for him and how he should lead his life. he sacrifices every bit he can for them. Some ladies simply cannot put up with all this and I guess go for a divorce. 

So I guess OP would be blessed if this behaviour has been identified and she has the chance of looking for a better partner. 

Penji I'm sorry to hear what you are going through. Don't think nobody understands what you are going through. I understand and so do other women that maybe going through the same thing. 

Its very hard to not say nothing and then be told it's you're karam. But I wouldn't put everything down to karam, where people from India come along and think they can do and say as they wish. 

The daughter in laws in India don't put up with none of the rubbish that they do when they come here. The reason they walk all over you is because you're a decent soul and won't say anything. And if you do, they know you aren't going anywhere and then take advantage of that to belittle you more and treat you like garbage and then they say "Sadi nau changi nai". 

Ive been through it and again going through similar issue, even though they are million miles away. Somehow my sister in laws seem to mess up my soul sitting so far away. But nobody says nothing to them so far away. Then u think it's my karam, but it's not all due to that. 

Nowadays people have changed, be it abroad or India. And I'm afraid India ones are the worst whether nobody likes me saying this. There is no understanding for daughter in laws unless they have kids or are healthy and chust. And the kids being boys preferably. 

Its disgusting in this day and age people still hold those thoughts. They say they don't when confronted but they do. 

With me, they are jealous just because I'm born here. And to this day I have never received any gift from them, apart from 2 cheap suits that I'm never going to wear. But still they find the money to get their relatives gifts. I am totally discriminated against from day one, and have had to deal with a whole families from their side and only one of me on my side. Nobody helps nobody, so I suggest to you, the only one to turn to help for is Waheguru. 

Ive seen it all, no matter what you do, as you are in another country and if you are born here, you won't get the same respect as the other daughter in laws. Because end of day it's only about money. If you give financially, then nau baut changi a, yet the ones in India do sh@t all. Excuse tha language, but I've seen it in many families too. 

A few of our families from in laws side are going through divorces, and I've seen the daughter in law that is abroad is getting the slandering and negative comments, which is actually typical of India people to blame the woman without knowing the full facts. 

Either you stand up for yourself and let them know that you won't be treated like dirt and keep your marriage stable with your husband , as he's the one to please and he will respect you more. Or you walk away from it all, which is the hardest bit, because as you know when there's nowhere to go then you are stuck. And the other option is play the game, which is hard too, as somebody like me can't keep quiet if pushed past the limits. So I have had to defend myself on numerous occasions against them when they think you're a fool and try to pull the wool over your eyes, but I've done it with a firm and polite way to my parent in laws, as I would with my own parents.  My sister in laws I don't care about no more as they've done too much to hurt me, so I've left it to God to sort out that bit and don't bother to talk to them. 

If nobody cares, then no point in pleasing people either, as life's too short to be stressing over making others happy. As long as you and your husband and kids are happy, don't worry about the rest, as if they not happy with the way you are, you can't change them, but you can feel better within yourself that you are not alone. 

Can you have a talk with your husband about the arrangements and system? Or is there anybody else to support you with this? 

You can contact me if you wish and if there's anything you need to talk about I'm here to listen. 

?? Waheguru. 

[sikhni777]

Thanks a lot Simran for your kind words.  I will eventually have to find a way of standing up and telling people off especially  when they walk all over you. Will let you know how it goes.  I am just thankful they live in another country and we don't have to keep up with them that often. 

[Guest Jacfsing2]

1 hour ago, MisterrSingh said:

In an era where guys are all too eager to relinquish ties with their family due to the whims of their women, I'd say he proved himself quite honorable by respecting the wishes of his parents. 

Why would you want all men to be Mama's boys, they made a nonsensical issue which wasn't even an issue for their son, from most parents they usually expect the male to be taller than the female; so them calling the girl short and cutting the relationship because of it would be ridiculous. The real issue for canceling marriages in Punjabi engagements is Caste and Money, (When would you see a Jatt Sikh or Khatri Sikh marrying each other, it's probably more likely that they'll marry their Hindu counterparts or their own relatives than to marry each other? Or a rich girl marrying a poor boy?), The issue is obviously caste, which O.P. can not get herself to think around, 

[Guest Guest]

7 hours ago, MisterrSingh said:

In an era where guys are all too eager to relinquish ties with their family due to the whims of their women, I'd say he proved himself quite honourable by respecting the wishes of his parents. 

I think it's time we distinguish 'respect' for parents vs. being enslaved to one's parents as an adult. 

Even those guys who "are too eager to relinquish ties with their family due to whims of their women", I would say that the parents seemed to have failed to raise an independent adult with the capacity to make rational decisions.

[MisterrSingh]

10 hours ago, Jacfsing2 said:

Why would you want all men to be Mama's boys, they made a nonsensical issue which wasn't even an issue for their son, from most parents they usually expect the male to be taller than the female; so them calling the girl short and cutting the relationship because of it would be ridiculous. The real issue for canceling marriages in Punjabi engagements is Caste and Money, (When would you see a Jatt Sikh or Khatri Sikh marrying each other, it's probably more likely that they'll marry their Hindu counterparts or their own relatives than to marry each other? Or a rich girl marrying a poor boy?), The issue is obviously caste, which O.P. can not get herself to think around, 

Yes, respecting one's parents = Mama's boys. You've fallen victim to the modern illness spreading through the Sikh diaspora, whereby upholding the decent values of our culture is considered to be a shameful thing. The rest is just white noise on your part, and I tuned out. 

[jkvlondon]

12 hours ago, MisterrSingh said:

In an era where guys are all too eager to relinquish ties with their family due to the whims of their women, I'd say he proved himself quite honourable by respecting the wishes of his parents. 

but bro he acted like a douche because despite KNOWING his Mother was reluctant he engaged in future planning etc with Bhainji , if he was so honourable he would not have done this , besides how honourable is it to rokh a girl then leave her ? Guys cannot have their cake and eat it .

[MisterrSingh]

17 minutes ago, jkvlondon said:

but bro he acted like a douche because despite KNOWING his Mother was reluctant he engaged in future planning etc with Bhainji , if he was so honourable he would not have done this , besides how honourable is it to rokh a girl then leave her ? Guys cannot have their cake and eat it .

I see. I must've missed that bit. In that case, he was having a laugh. That does seem quite "Momma's Boy-ish." Well, what do you expect? Weak men all over the shop, and strangely enough, no amount of simran, rehnsabhais, etc., are having any affect on these types of people. When it's all done in the spirit of duplicity and dekhava, then it's not surprising.

[Guest Jacfsing2]

1 hour ago, MisterrSingh said:

Yes, respecting one's parents = Mama's boys. You've fallen victim to the modern illness spreading through the Sikh diaspora, whereby upholding the decent values of our culture is considered to be a shameful thing. The rest is just white noise on your part, and I tuned out. 

He's not respecting his parents, but rather falling towards each of their whims, (if they told him to cut his Kesh, there should be no doubt that he would do that), or he's part of the whole fake "nice guy", attitude when he's too afraid to say his opinion on anything, but rather good at getting his parents to do everything for him, (which effects all subcontinental people's not just Punjabis).

57 minutes ago, MisterrSingh said:

I see. I must've missed that bit. In that case, he was having a laugh. That does seem quite "Momma's Boy-ish." Well, what do you expect? Weak men all over the shop, and strangely enough, no amount of simran, rehnsabhais, etc., are having any affect on these types of people. When it's all done in the spirit of duplicity and dekhava, then it's not surprising.

Really can't tell if your for this guy or against him with this statement.