Inequality In Sikh Marriages?

[Guest Guest]

Hi everyone,

I was just wondering how would you lot deal with this situation: I am trying to advise my cousin sister.

After marriage she was expected to go and live in the mans house, but previous to that she had her own house for years but was expected to leave it. She lived independently for years and of course, would find in difficult to live in the in-laws house but she agreed to try it.

Now, they "imprison" her. She is not allowed to keep in contact with her old, good friends (been friends for 10 years) and has her calls to her family monitored. She is expected to cook and clean whilst her husband does nothing. She is treated as a house slave, even though she is more highly educated than her husband (she is a Doctor). So after a long days work, she comes home, not able to rest but has to do MORE work.

Before marriage, she made it clear that she wanted to be treated with equality but AFTER marriage, she finds herself in this situation.

She used to like visiting galleries at the weekend etc but now she is not allowed to go out. I dont mean staying out late at night etc but shes not even allowed to meet a mate for coffee or go to the cinema.

Her mother-in-law is VERY bad to her, always putting her down. She was such a lovely, full-of-life girl, who never belittled or treated people badly and now she has become a ghost of a person.

They are also trying to force her to get pregnant, against her wishes.

She has tried to communicate with her husband and in-laws but they dont seem to care about the turmoil she is in.

The in-laws call themselves a "Sikh family" but i dont understand this as they are causing her harm and unhappiness and they know it and continue to do so, because she is a "wife" and now she "belongs" to them, like a dog.

Is the best advice for her, is to leave the marriage?

Thanks for reading.

[S1ngh]

Marriage counselor.. (find a sikh counselor.. if they can find one)

[Balait_da_Sher]

I think she is an educated woman, she should get her parents to come and sit down with the entire family and have a discussion. Tell them that she is a human being and should be treated as such. You will see her inlaws make excuses then. Ofcourse divorce isnt the answer to everything but maybe she should just go back and spend some days at her old house and that should tell her in laws that she is needed in their family.

[dalsingh101]

It is really sad when for some strange reason people in the community think that daughter in laws are some sort of slaves for their new families.

Mother in laws usually play a big negative role in this (not saying all are bad though).

[singh1986]

A newly wed girl was being welcomed at the husband's home in a traditional manner.

She was asked to give a little speech. She addressed as follows:

"My dear family members, I thank you for welcoming me in my new home and family", she said. Firstly, with my presence I would not want to create any inconveniences. I mean that I don't want you all to change your way of life, your routine."

"What do you mean my child?" asked the Head of the family.

What I mean dad is:

Those who used to wash dishes must carry on washing them.

Those who used to do the laundry must carry on doing it.

Those who cooked shouldn't stop on my account.

Those who used to clean should clean.

Yarrr Girl Power!!! :wub: She should say to her hubby its vital for them to get a place of thier own with or without him!

[Bored]

this pisses me off!!!!!!!

b4 getting married....why dont they ask how its going to be afterwards

actually, its sad if ppl wud even have to ask their future inlaws if there gonna be locked up after marrige

i kno a girl who went thro the same thing and ended up divorcing within months

bullcrap!!!!

revolutionize!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Guest Guest]

its not as easy as girl power etc people want to save their marriages, especially in sikhi, a divorce is basically not allowed as these are two souls that have been merged on waheguru's account, to break it up is a big thing and it falls on the guy himself to realize this, if his family is putting her through this, he needs to find a common ground or something instead of encouraging his mom....

he needs to realize what commitment he has made first and how this isnt just a marriage thats recognized by law, but one that's also recognized as a bond in sach khand that was made through guru ji when they had proceeded with the laavan and was written on these individuals foreheads before they even came to this earth.. this type of bond is similar to that of which we are striving for with akal purakh, and it is one to help us achieve it, if he doesnt realize that and she's taking all that **** to make it work, then he needs to learn and waheguru help them.

[smartsingh24]

Does her immediate family know of this? Her parents and any other family should if they don't, and more than that, they should be taking a stand on her behalf. It's not right for her to undergo such hardships and this a very lopsided marriage. Of course there should be some kind of counseling, but if that doesn't work out, divorce shouldn't be ruled out.

[buddasingh]

She should go out as normal independent adults do. She should do her share of the work. If no one else is doing the work, then none at all is her share. With respect to verbal abuse. usually the best reply is to calmly yet without an ounce of fear call the abuser on it.

Sounds very odd that a doctor would put up with this, as doctors often need great insight into family problem and should be able to advise others.

If exercising her dignity makes things worse rather than better she should get out of the marriage.

As Sikhs our responsibility is to give her genuine moral support and whatever else is necessary, including shifting our views about women who are divorced. It is great that our culture puts emphasis on making marriages work. But, there is a certain limit. These are completely innocent sisters, who suffer because ill cultural attitudes do not receive the condemnation they deserve.

What city is your cousin sister in? Sometimes I wish I lived in the 17th century, I'd get on my horse and pay a personal visit to the family. She would be the boss after that.

[Guest Guest]

Hi all,

Thanks for your responses.

I will answer some of the queries you have raised....

Before she got married she was very cautious of being married and she did all she could to find out what life would be like after marriage. She was given all the reassurances from the husband and in laws that they would treat her well.

She did not want to give up her house but the husbnd says he cannot leave his family home etc, so RELUCTANTLY she did consent to live with them.

Now, as you know after marriage, it seems they have tricked her.

My cousins mum has tried to say things to the other mother-in-law, but you know how these things are...she cannot blast her, so its done in a softly-softly manner and also now cos she is married, she has been "given" away to the other family. My cousins dad is ill and so doesnt have the strength of voice he used to have. Her brother has also tried to communicate, not to threaten them, but to try and show them reason = all this leads back to the mother-in-law saying my cousin is causing trouble.

Dont get me wrong, my cousin has had it out with her husband, mother-in-law and the rest of the household but its getting tiring for her. Of course, now she is really regretting giving up her house. She can go back to her family home but it crowded and her own mother will keep telling her to go back to her husband.

The mother-in-law every day gives pressure to the couple to have a baby and my cousin feels, she is being forced into pregnancy and every night dreads sharing the same room as her husband.

One of you said, it is vital they get their own house, but the husband wont move out - he is also under pressure not to leave his parents. He wont even move out locally.

The in-laws have stated that it doesnt matter that my cousin is highly educated and is a Doctor, she is a "wife" and therefore has to do the duties of the house.

A couple of you mentioned going to counselling. The husband and his family would never consent to that!!

I do not understand how people who claim to come from a Sikh background think its ok to suppress someone so much. I even said to the in-laws that they cannot be Sikh, as Guru Nanak had said, no man is higher than a woman and no woman is higher than a man. The only one that anyone should submit to is God.

Do you think attitudes to divorce are changing or are still the same? Because if my cousin divorces, she feels she may be viewed as "spoiled goods".

Thanks again for reading - i appreciate your time.