Need Advice

[Guest *]

I really need some advice. Here’s the situation. My good friend who I thought was my friend constantly goes out of her way to humiliate me in front of my family and friends, making childish ridiculous comments. I once wanted to be like her, as I used to look up to her as a role model.

It’s hard to avoid her company as both our families have grown up together; we pretty much do things together when it comes to family functions, etc.

She is completely tolerable towards me when it is just me and her.

I’ve gone over this, looking at every point to why she behaves this way; I wouldn’t put it down to jealousy or insecurities. The only thing I can put it down to is that maybe she puts me down to make herself ‘shine’ and look good. I just don’t understand, because if that is the case, she doesn’t necessarily need to go to all that trouble by putting me down because she is better than me in so many ways and I’m sure she is well aware of that. We have always been there for each other in difficult times, sharing advice and support, so I don’t understand why she is doing this.

What do you suggest I do? It’s impossible to avoid her. The only option I am left with is to confront her about all this. Is there anything else I can do other than confronting her? By confronting her I think that she will think I am exaggerating and may put it down to not having a good sense of humour.

[Guest same]

I really need some advice. Here’s the situation. My good friend who I thought was my friend constantly goes out of her way to humiliate me in front of my family and friends, making childish ridiculous comments. I once wanted to be like her, as I used to look up to her as a role model.

It’s hard to avoid her company as both our families have grown up together; we pretty much do things together when it comes to family functions, etc.

She is completely tolerable towards me when it is just me and her.

I’ve gone over this, looking at every point to why she behaves this way; I wouldn’t put it down to jealousy or insecurities. The only thing I can put it down to is that maybe she puts me down to make herself ‘shine’ and look good. I just don’t understand, because if that is the case, she doesn’t necessarily need to go to all that trouble by putting me down because she is better than me in so many ways and I’m sure she is well aware of that. We have always been there for each other in difficult times, sharing advice and support, so I don’t understand why she is doing this.

What do you suggest I do? It’s impossible to avoid her. The only option I am left with is to confront her about all this. Is there anything else I can do other than confronting her? By confronting her I think that she will think I am exaggerating and may put it down to not having a good sense of humour.

I'm in the same boat with a close relative and a friend!

You need to realise it's kaljug and these things will happen no matter wat, theres jealousy everywhere, and it is definitely jealousy.

If she was secure with the person she is she would never in a million years try to put you down.

You are secure and happy with yourself, whether consciously or subconsciously which is the reason you don't degrade and put others down.

Your friend is on a really bad path and unless she turns religious and tryies to control her hidden feelings, they won't go away.

The way you need to deal with it is ask Guru Ji for protection against her comments and ill will towards you and know in your heart she's doing because she's jealous and not because you are deficient in any way.

The minute you start doubting the person you are, if you are religious, reassure yourself of this.

[AmarjitKaur]

I will write here as not in your shoes, but in person's shoes who does that to you.

We have a family friend. He is in his mid 30's. We have been bothering him for last 10years to get married. Joke around with him, say things which mean and not mean at the same time. He is really jolly, patient, trying to make everybody happy kinda guy who does respect us. So now that we know his personality, we have been teasing him constantly for years and years. now that you are writing above, I am realizing that we are kinda torturing him, even though he laughs off, but it may be hurting him inside, as when we get together with his family members, we all get on the same side, trying to tell him, how he is going to get buDha not get married etc. etc.

And at the end, I usually say, don't mind hunh, we are joking around with you. But to some it could be joke, to recieving party, it could be damaging.

Sometimes, we just don't realize what we are doing to the other person. We get habitual of doing things, until one day person stands up and says "Look, I care about you, respect you, like you and all that. I see you as a friend that I won't want to loose. But I just want to put my feelings upfront that when you do/say things in front of my family (e.g. this this and that), I don't feel good about it. I would appreciate if we don't let these seeming-minor things get in the way of our family/friend relationship. I see ourselves together as friends for years to come in life, but these things have been bothering me for long time, and I thought I should let you know how I feel".

I hope this helps.

[simran345]

She is 100% jealous of u thats y sh is doin it, and i feel sh dont even care abt u. I know th signs, and thts wat i went thru with many ppl. But sh reminds me of one person, who used to do it on purpose everytime, even after i cried n told her im gettin hurt by wat sh does sh did not stop. I say keep ur distance from her, sh is doin it for an excuse too, so tht u lash out at her and get angry, thats wat sh wants, to prove ur insecure then sh can "win".

I'd be careful of her too, coz u dont know wats goin on in her mind, dont give her a chance to belittle u when sh does dont keep it inside, i'd have a serious talk with her b4 its gets too far.

good luck...

[Guest SKK]

Fateh ji,

Yep i was in the same boat as u too.

I confronted this person about it cos i was hating the way it made me feel.

In a way its kamia in both sides, she may be jealous of you but at the same time your jealous of becuase shes prob getting alot more attention, guess something both inc me have to work on.

you say this person has good qualities then maybe they dont realise they are doing it and may thankyou if you express how you are feeling.

end of the day sikhiwise this life isnt permnant and neither are ppl and the embarassment or praise of you, so even if your not getting attention/ praise maybe its agood thing... can prob get further sikhi wise without anyone knowing and hindering your increasing ur ego. be confident in who your are. try n not let little things affect u and conc on the bigger ones.

Anyway ji, just relax forget it be a good person dont let the way your feeling create any hate towards this person and have faith in mahraaj... everything will be fine

[Guest NY3HY3]

You seem a little overly sensitive. It's probably cause you have nothing to say to her remarks. Toughen up and stop taking things to heart. *edit*

[buddasingh]

Tell her privately, but it need not be ‘confrontational’. Do it from a position of peace and strength.

You are assisting her by telling her. The tone you use should reflect that.

Admit to her that it is not a question of whether you lack humour or she lacks sensitivity, but simply that the communication is detrimental to a friendship you value. Be prepared to gently give her specific examples. Do it over ice cream or dessert.

[Guest original poster]

Gurfateh Jee all

Thanks for all your replies.

I have taken all your advice into consideration and it has really helped.

To ‘Same’

Your right, it’s kaljug everywhere. I have definitely got my head stuck in the clouds; I have this hope/expectation that people change over night once they are blessed with Amrit and I expect miracles and things to be different.

To, Simran

I have had a serious talk to her before about her behaviour in general but not towards me. But I don’t think that has caused her to behave towards me in that way, as she has always treated me like this way before I talked to her about her behaviour.

To, SKK,

I don’t know what to put it down to anymore. I’m definitely not jealous of her and I don’t think she is jealous of me. I have known her for too long and have observed her enough when she is around people, I know how she works her way around people and it’s not nice. I’m just going to keep my distance. She does realise what she’s doing, I have had a talk to her before about her behaviour. It’s really hard to not create towards hate towards this person, at the moment I really dislike her. I try to block my emotions by remembering the good stuff she has done for me, I still remain cool with her when I see her but deep down I really have this hatred towards her. I actually get stressed when I see her.

To, ‘_NY3HY3_’

Your right I do need to toughen up. But its got nothing to do with not giving remarks back. The more I give remarks back in light and subtle humourous way I get twice as much digs thrown at me.

To BuddaSingh

I have decided that I am not going to talk to her about this. It’s just there have been a few occasions where I have been there with other people about different issues, where it starts off ok then in the middle there’s a big misunderstanding where there’s arguing and quarrelling, which ends with a big awkward tension.

It’s too much of a headache and a waste of time. In the future when I am around her I’m just going to try and turn a blind eye to all of this and avoid reading too much into this situation. I can honestly say that I feel different in a good way since the last time I saw her.

Having said all that though, it’s quite hard to keep a distance from form her, as I wouldn’t want to completely turn my back on her. As she has been there for me through some hard times and she has done a lot for me. I feel like it’s my turn to do the same but it’s hard to do that when your treated like crap. Whether or not she was there for me I would still help her out with anything.

It’s really hard. After a few days when I’m away from her I feel so much happier and I forget what happened and think to my self how stupid I was to get upset over something so small. Then when I see her again and when she behaves the way she does to me in front of people, I remember why I felt like crap and it’s back to square one, my emotions come back and I get all these thoughts in my head where I really feel like throwing a brick in her face.

I just hate having this feeling, it’s not healthy. I know I can’t cut my self off from her completely. I’m probably going to bump into lots of people like this yet, but I can’t take the pressure.

[SunSingh]

you've given her too much power over you. cut her out of your heart, don't worry about her anymore. sounds like you've pretty much done that. she may push a bit harder once she realises that she's lost her power over you, but just like every wind storm it will pass. this is how 'emotional vampires' behave.