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Guest kaur

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Penji, what is actually causing you to be sad, why are you crying, what are you crying for?

The reason I ask, is sometimes it helps to do some self reflection.

There maybe some very simple solutions but first of all you need to understand what is causing you to be sad in the first place.

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sorry i haven't replied for a while-I just kind of lost hope and thought there was no point trying. I have just read the replies.

I could not be 'busy' enough which makes my mind wonder around, but i will say something. Obviously i haven't accomplished anything like avasthas etc, but this is what i have done. Im writing in the gupt section so don't think im in haumai or anything because i really am not.

Maharaj has been mercy, I have done santhiya and sehaj paats along once with a teeka aswell for understanding. I do malas and I have a strict amrit vela so far-gods kirpa, and a rehat which some people would say is very strong aswell, ther is always space for improvement.

I have started to look a bit daunting recently, dark circles from crying and not sleepig and lost weight, I weighed myself yesterday and when I told my mom because she saw me, I got a really long speech abou it and she forced me to eat a roti and I was so sick afterwould I had to run to the washroom and I didn't even tell anyone. Ivs gone really pale too. It is like this, I am already in a astat and people don't try and make it any easier by just telling me off about thhings that don't matter to me. I was drinking water and sitting with members of my family and I couldn't control myself I just started feelig water in my eyes and I cried quietly and hid as much of my face as I could in the glass and tried to cover my eye with strands of hair then when I got out into the kitchen I just completely broke down in tears and was down on my knees then my brother come and I lie saying I bashed my head really hard and think iv'e broken my leg. I could go on forever. Things like this happen continuously with me (them really awkward unexpected moments of crying.....).

I have tried paat, concentrating but i never feel happy. It isn't that I am angry at god or life, im just sad, that really is the only word i can think of, sad. how else o i describe it.

By the way, someone said earlier that i was expecting something to happen and nothing dramatic has happened. I just want to make that clear, I don't want anything dramatic to happen as such, I was just stating that nothing tragic has happened, because that is usually what people think has happene to me.

I didn' t also say that I am a strong fearless inghni that isn't afraid of death, I just lot hope for all aspects of everything. I am no true singhni, lionesses wouldn't think of 'dhendi kala'. It is just me, a really bad sikh, who doesn't appreciate life, the gift that gods gave us. I am just bored and tired and fed up. People have so much happening to them like bad sad stuff, and they are still happy, why can't I be happy and jolyy for once.

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