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Dealing with people


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Guest Singhni

Vaheguru ji ka khalsa, Vaheguru ji ki fateh.

I need serious Gurmat advice.

There is one Singhni in particular who I have to see very often, and who I will be living with next year (I'm close to her family). It is very hard to put up with her. She has been brought up in a Gursikh family, but is not practicing Sikhi in the sense of having taken Amrit or doing Nitnem. She has had a very good upbringing, and has been spoilt with all the love and attention she could want. Now, as a young adult, she's self absorbed, temperamental and overly confident (ego). She is more concerned with popularity and taking pouty pictures than anything else.

For example, she will constantly talk about herself and will never reach out and try to help you even if she knows something terrible has happened to you. But she will make an emotional display about her comparably small issues. You'll try to talk to her, but most of the time she won't respond because she's texting on her phone 24/7. She never has anything good to say about you. She'll take her birthday present and you won't here anything from her about it, not even a thank you.

I feel bad writing all this, she is not all bad. The point is, I can't even have a short conversation with her, and I don't know how I will be able to live with her next year because of that. Her parent puts pressure on me to become good friends with her as they think it'll bring her further along her path of Sikhi, but I've tried. I dread going somewhere where I know she will be (and that's about 2/ 3 times a week). We have gone out in the past, and I've attempted to connect with her, but I feel that every time we talk I subconsciously make myself act more outgoing and worldly just for the sake of getting along with her. She is not interested in discussing Sikhi or general issues.

The deeper issue here is not this petty one, but, how does one look at everybody as exactly the same? I've been trying so hard over the last year. I find myself having negative feelings towards her whenever she does something selfish or annoying. I try to make myself stop but it's much more difficult than that.

How to truly love everyone equally?

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Waheguru Ji Ka Khalsa Waheguru JI Ki Fateh

It is hard to really have pyaar for everyone equally because everyone is so different. I have or had a friend exactly like this. Not that it is relevant but is she from B'ham?

The best thing to do is try to confront her. People who are self absorbed will always try to deny the fact they are or flip it on saying that you are being nasty about them. If this doesn't work then keep friendship on level. Maybe try acting the same as her when in times of need.

ho ho karathee jag firee naa dhhan sa(n)pai naal || Practicing egotism, selfishness and conceit, she wanders around the world, but her wealth and property will not go with her.

a(n)dhhee naam n chaethee sabh baadhhee jamakaal || The spiritually blind do not even think of the Naam; they are all bound and gagged by the Messenger of Death.

sathagur miliai dhhan paaeiaa har naamaa ridhai samaal ||3|| Meeting the True Guru, the wealth is obtained, contemplating the Name of the Lord in the heart. ||3||

naam rathae sae niramalae gur kai sehaj subhaae || Those who are attuned to the Naam are immaculate and pure; through the Guru, they obtain intuitive peace and poise.

man than raathaa ra(n)g sio rasanaa rasan rasaae || Their minds and bodies are dyed in the Color of the Lord's Love, and their tongues savor His Sublime Essence.

naanak ra(n)g n outharai jo har dhhur shhoddiaa laae ||4||14||47|| O Nanak, that Primal Color which the Lord has applied, shall never fade away. ||4||14||47||

Continue developing your beautiful Gursikhi Jeevan and lead her to the right path. Hope this has been of some help. :happy2:

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Ur company affects u...dat is for sure u will inherent some qualities of her in u.....

But as per adjustment it can be done....just tell her in advance about what can spoil ur relation.....

I m no better person to suggest this...few months back I was in delhi working there n staying in pg...

The girls with me were drinker/smokers etc.... As the majority of these kind of people is increasingly day by day....

To b frank enough would Like to mention that.....the life becomes tougher for people like US to live.....

Unfortunately I was nt able to adjust n I quited.... But if u want u can survive....but the moment u feel that this girl is hampering u....,

Leave it... But plz dont setback from religion....

People who walk with attitude falls down...but people who walks with attitude carrying god with them...never....attitude is there in both the cases but the difference lies with the presence of God.... :)

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Guest Guest

Waheguru ji ka khalsa

Waheguru ji ki fateh

ਮਹਲਾ ੨ ॥

Mehalaa 2 ||

Second Mehl:

ਨਾਲਿ ਇਆਣੇ ਦੋਸਤੀ ਕਦੇ ਨ ਆਵੈ ਰਾਸਿ ॥

Naal Eiaanae Dhosathee Kadhae N Aavai Raas ||

Friendship with a fool never works out right.

ਜੇਹਾ ਜਾਣੈ ਤੇਹੋ ਵਰਤੈ ਵੇਖਹੁ ਕੋ ਨਿਰਜਾਸਿ ॥

Jaehaa Jaanai Thaeho Varathai Vaekhahu Ko Nirajaas ||

As he knows, he acts; behold, and see that it is so.

ਵਸਤੂ ਅੰਦਰਿ ਵਸਤੁ ਸਮਾਵੈ ਦੂਜੀ ਹੋਵੈ ਪਾਸਿ ॥

Vasathoo Andhar Vasath Samaavai Dhoojee Hovai Paas ||

One thing can be absorbed into another thing, but duality keeps them apart.

ਸਾਹਿਬ ਸੇਤੀ ਹੁਕਮੁ ਨ ਚਲੈ ਕਹੀ ਬਣੈ ਅਰਦਾਸਿ ॥

Saahib Saethee Hukam N Chalai Kehee Banai Aradhaas ||

No one can issue commands to the Lord Master; offer instead humble prayers.

ਕੂੜਿ ਕਮਾਣੈ ਕੂੜੋ ਹੋਵੈ ਨਾਨਕ ਸਿਫਤਿ ਵਿਗਾਸਿ ॥੩॥

Koorr Kamaanai Koorro Hovai Naanak Sifath Vigaas ||3||

Practicing falsehood, only falsehood is obtained. O Nanak, through the Lord's Praise, one blossoms forth. ||3||

ਮਹਲਾ ੨ ॥

Mehalaa 2 ||

Second Mehl:

ਨਾਲਿ ਇਆਣੇ ਦੋਸਤੀ ਵਡਾਰੂ ਸਿਉ ਨੇਹੁ ॥

Naal Eiaanae Dhosathee Vaddaaroo Sio Naehu ||

Friendship with a fool, and love with a pompous person,

ਪਾਣੀ ਅੰਦਰਿ ਲੀਕ ਜਿਉ ਤਿਸ ਦਾ ਥਾਉ ਨ ਥੇਹੁ ॥੪॥

Paanee Andhar Leek Jio This Dhaa Thhaao N Thhaehu ||4||

Are like lines drawn in water, leaving no trace or mark. ||4||

ਮਹਲਾ ੨ ॥

Mehalaa 2 ||

Second Mehl:

ਹੋਇ ਇਆਣਾ ਕਰੇ ਕੰਮੁ ਆਣਿ ਨ ਸਕੈ ਰਾਸਿ ॥

Hoe Eiaanaa Karae Kanm Aan N Sakai Raas ||

If a fool does a job, he cannot do it right.

ਜੇ ਇਕ ਅਧ ਚੰਗੀ ਕਰੇ ਦੂਜੀ ਭੀ ਵੇਰਾਸਿ ॥੫॥

Jae Eik Adhh Changee Karae Dhoojee Bhee Vaeraas ||5||

Even if he does something right, he does the next thing wrong. ||5||

http://www.searchgurbani.com/scriptures/ang/474/line/21477

There is another Shabad that you should read and reflect upon

http://www.searchgurbani.com/scriptures/ggs_shabad/3531/line/2

Waheguru ji ka khalsa

Waheguru ji ki fateh

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Waheguru Ji ka Khalsa, Waheguru Ji ki Fateh!

When I was at university in London, a friend and her family also asked that I live with them throughout the academic year. They were lovely people, I would have saved money on rent, food, bills, travel and also a lot of time travelling to uni since it was around the corner from their house. Our families knew each other too. But I declined for a few reasons and I'm very glad I did.

Being friends with someone and living in their household are two entirely different matters. Living in someone else's house means their rules, their way of doing things and also, it always feels like you're a guest because it's a temporary arrangement. You also have to be an active member of the family and spend time with them, do house chores, contribute in different ways etc. All of my friends have struggled after marriage because a huge part of it is adapting to a whole new way of living and trying to make everyone happy. Uni is already difficult enough, and having to adjust to a new family can make it more difficult and stressful.

I made my choice for the reasons listed above, and I'm sure you've considered everything carefully. It could work for you but you should be completely sure of your decision. Will you have your own room? Because that's really important, you'll definitely need your own space.

With regards to your friend, is she much younger than you? This whole posing/constant facebooking/showing off culture is very common in teenagers. Don't expect her to change, she will be the same person when you live with her and if you find her difficult now, this will most likely continue. Of couse you can try your best to influence her towards Sikhi and maybe persuade her to do amritvela with you but unless someone has the himmat and wants to make the effort, you can't change them. One thing I've learnt in life is don't expect anyone to change. If they do, that's great and it's Satguru's kirpa. But don't expect it, you'll be disappointed.

Someone mentioned above that the best thing to do is confront her. I disagree entirely. If you're going to be living with these people in their house, you can't afford to rock the boat. They're doing you a massive service and they're quite obviously very generous people..it would make things very awkward and uncomfortable if you and their daughter were having a disagreement. Normally when you argue with friends, you can go home, shake it off and then talk when you're ready. When you live with them however, you can't get away from them and it's uncomfortable. You're constantly in each other's faces. WIth family it's different because (in my household at least) you may argue but 10 minutes later, it's like nothing happened.

With regards to trying to look at everyone as the same and not having negative feelings towards her..it's not going to happen within the space of a year or overnight so be prepared to feel this way whilst living with her. It goes without saying that you should keep your nitnem and abhiyaas strong, and try to emulate gurmat values and the qualities of a Gursikh, but again things don't happen overnight. It's normal to dislike selfishness and a self-absorbed attitude so don't be so tough on yourself for not being able to get along with her perfectly. I generally spend less time with people who I don't connect with.

Good luck for next year, I hope it's a positive experience for you. But at the same time, make sure that you know what you're getting in to.

Waheguru Ji ka Khalsa, Waheguru Ji ki Fateh!

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only God can bring anyone to sikhi path.....you try not to force yourself to bring her to sikhi path..just tell her parents that you''ll try.......don't take it too hard on you........at the end of the day you'll end up getting distracted by the negative vibrations which brings you down physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually...........

ardas is the biggest weapon you can use...all I do now is do ardas that waheguru ji, it's out of my hand...please clean my heart of all the negative feelings for that person otherwise I won't be able to deal with her at all..but you know I have to as it's "duniyadari"......I don't wanna hurt her or anyone, but I'm helpless, don't do it intentionally.....please help...

and this does work.......Gud Luck

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Fateh

You know ive realised that over the years, you cant always love everyone, even the nicest people stab you in the back or turn on you regardless of who they are or how long you know them.. The imortant thing to do is focus on your sikhi becuase in the end it really is everyone for themselves... Dont spend your time on people who wouldnt give you the time of day.. And your not a bad person for doing this either, Youre a smart person for realising this.

Waheguru Ji Ka Khalsa Weaheguru Ji Ke Fateh :respect:

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