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Letting Go


Guest ThisLife
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Guest ThisLife

Waheguru Ji Ka Khalsa Waheguru Ji Ke Fateh all my Bhenjian and Praavan

I need some serious advice on how to let go of the past. Heres my situation:

I got married 1 year ago. Just got to know my Wife for a whole 11months before the wedding day. We got On well, had fundamental similarities and enjoyed each others company whenever we met.

We are both aged 30.

Got introduced to each other from family and friends.

My wife comes from a religious family background, where her parents and deeply religious and humble. Her brothers and sisters also like to moderately practice sikhi or incorporate it within their lives.

I am exactly the same, my parents and humble Sikh worshipers and the best thing ever in my life...and I thanks god almighty for the upbringing I have had.

anyways

I get the feeling in my stomach that my wife just married me to keep her parents happy. She is very forward when it comes to socialising and happily drinks and dances and flirts with many guys...yet she says shes committed to me and always will be.

She told me that she used to live in a house with her ex-boyfriend ... who was muslim and of black African origin. Her story changed many times - for how long she had lived with him for exactly - so I never know the full extent - and u know what - maybe I just shouldn't even ask. I have buried the thought now, but its just the fact she told me this after we got engaged.

she told me she never ever had any physical relationship with guys and she was saving herself for me.

she is however very experienced in the intimate way and it scares me that she has lived a long life of drunken 1 nighters with many guys.

she even cheated on me on her "Hen Do" and didn't have the courage to confront me.

I have hard evidence.

She doesn't like to give her parents or family the impression that she drinks or lives an advanced western lifestyle - she much rather acts innocent and pretends to be the "homely girl".

She keeps in contact with a lot of guys that she claims are majority Gay and just good friends.

She lived away from home for around 10 years from the age of 19 -29 and had the freedom to do whatever she felt to do - which is excellent and im not upset about that.

Shes kept it from me when guys get in touch with her and she loves to quiz me when ever anyone has contacted me.

Im no angel

But I committed my entire life to my wife, especially at the beginning.

I feel cheated and it goes through my mind a lot more then I expected it to

I have confronted her about stuff - we argue and then make up - mainly because we want stuff to work out

How can she have cheated on me and told me she loves me and she never did anything with anyone the whole time I knew her - is this acceptable?

I am an extremely strong character - but sometimes I do need to hit the pillow and cry and I have done on my own - Yes

Im not looking for answers - I am merely looking to see if anyone has been in this situation or could even suggest to me how to take my mind off this.

at times I just say to myself that I came alone and I will leave alone - is this true? honestly - I will spend probably 30+ years with someone called my wife and she lies to me? - is that acceptable?

I have treated her like my princess and gone out of my way to make her feel the best ever - but she has had way better. I believe honesty is the best policy - so I just be myself and mind my own time.

I had way more emotion to write - but I may add later.

thanks for listening

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sad story, you should have walked away the moment she told you about herself when you got engaged .

I am hurt to here your story my friend but be careful and think twice before you have any kids with such a person because now you are hurting , if you guys did end up going your separate ways and a child was involved that would not be good for the child.

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To _ThatsLife_

your story hit a nerve with me. This has happened to so many Sikh guys, where they have married the wrong type of girl. I am now married and have two children with a woman that is the best mother to my children and the best wife I could ask for - its not perfect but my wifes character is perfect for marriage and to have children with. Dont get me wrong, were not perfect Sikhs we are as western as the rest of our generation but know who we are and proud to be Sikhs.

Before marriage I dated girls like you are married to, and got hurt so many times. Im glad those relationships ended cause had I married any one of those women my life and family life would be ruined - especially my kids. So based on what you have I think you should get rid of her and divorce her before any children are involved. Women like that will just give it up to any guy that gives them attention when theyre drunk - you've alreay said that she flirts with other men when drinking and cheated on you when it was her hen night. Get rid of her and cut your losses, otherwise be ready for a life of pure hell where you wont even be a man anymore.

I say this as a fellow brother and not to hurt you. Yo made a bad choice and now you need to deal with it. Ive seen too many apne munde get screwed over - don't be another one.

All the best..

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Guest This_Life

Thanks for you advice.

Appreciate what you are all saying.

Yes I have tot ally thought about leaving and I was on the verge of it, even got her mother and father involved and told my wife that ive had enough.

We made up after and she promised that shes never been unfaithful. I am past the point of accepting any apologies or false promises. nothing surprises me and I have literally zero faith in her telling me the truth - but u know what - im still with her and it's cos I said to myself that I only want to marry once and make it work.

some days are nightmares and I don't een know how I get through them at work, because my mind is elsewhere and I easily get angry, but can control my aggression to not let it affect anyone or anything.

I am just a firm believer in whatever happens happens. but I do believe that I can make things change.

I know the situation can get worse if kids are involved. this is my fear - this is why I am contemplating where my life will end up - with or without her.

I shouldn't let this affect me - but I can only be honest and say that I cant let my family down either. My parents, brothers and sister have no idea what the situation is. I don't talk to anybody and I know that bottling things up is not good, as I may explode someday.

Its just controlling the mind and realising that I am being tested and I need to react to these tests. God above is watching all, so he has given this test to me. I wan to prove to him that I can make the right choice and always believe that I will go wherever he takes me.

I will explore Sikh help line too.

many thanks

thislife

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Thanks for you advice.

Appreciate what you are all saying.

Yes I have tot ally thought about leaving and I was on the verge of it, even got her mother and father involved and told my wife that ive had enough.

We made up after and she promised that shes never been unfaithful. I am past the point of accepting any apologies or false promises. nothing surprises me and I have literally zero faith in her telling me the truth - but u know what - im still with her and it's cos I said to myself that I only want to marry once and make it work.

some days are nightmares and I don't een know how I get through them at work, because my mind is elsewhere and I easily get angry, but can control my aggression to not let it affect anyone or anything.

I am just a firm believer in whatever happens happens. but I do believe that I can make things change.

I know the situation can get worse if kids are involved. this is my fear - this is why I am contemplating where my life will end up - with or without her.

I shouldn't let this affect me - but I can only be honest and say that I cant let my family down either. My parents, brothers and sister have no idea what the situation is. I don't talk to anybody and I know that bottling things up is not good, as I may explode someday.

Its just controlling the mind and realising that I am being tested and I need to react to these tests. God above is watching all, so he has given this test to me. I wan to prove to him that I can make the right choice and always believe that I will go wherever he takes me.

I will explore Sikh help line too.

many thanks

thislife

Veer ji

have you considered becoming closer to Waheguru ji , both of you seem need to get some advice from Gian da sagar, GUru Granth Sahib ji and transform your married life maybe watch the 'basics of sikhi' anand karaj vids together to really understand what marriage is about.

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Honestly I m really scared.. I hardly get any day when I listen anything good about sikh women but almost every time Bad news are there about them.. now What i do think I should not marry at all but adopt the two three kids in next few years and feed them with sikh values and virsa ...that's all..

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Honestly I m really scared.. I hardly get any day when I listen anything good about sikh women but almost every time Bad news are there about them.. now What i do think I should not marry at all but adopt the two three kids in next few years and feed them with sikh values and virsa ...that's all..

Not all women are the same and if you are using 'sikh' as a criteria then make sure she does have Sikhi di values ...maybe become guruwaley yourself if you haven't already so then she would have to be amritdhari also ... Unfortunately 'being modern' usually equates having all the bad character traits and behaviors of the US, Canada and UK both for men and women, truth is you are destroying your own lives with your own hands , your health, your peace of mind, your reputation, your family ties, and most important your relationship with your soul and Waheguru.

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Not all women are the same and if you are using 'sikh' as a criteria then make sure she does have Sikhi di values ...maybe become guruwaley yourself if you haven't already so then she would have to be amritdhari also ... Unfortunately 'being modern' usually e having all the bad character traits and behaviors of the US, Canada and UK both for men and women, truth is you are destroying your own lives with your own hands , your health, your peace of mind, your reputation, your family ties, and most important your relationship with your soul and Waheguru.

I m not talking about All women I m talking about apniyan. and The majority of apniyan ,,,Rahe rabb naah....and I m not amrithdhari yet but keshdhari .Indeed i am newly Sardar guy..I am waiting for my family ( My father) when it supports me and another thing is that I have some health issues too so I don't want to do any beadbi like others do.. kyunki mere to ek bari mardha kam ho gya te main apne aap nu maaf b nai kar sakanga...

maybe become guruwaley yourself if you haven't already so then she would have to be amritdhari also

you don't worry Main unha wichoo nai a jedhe kehn ...

"""mainu inhaa pyaar ho gya ,main udhe bina reh nai sakda , oh mere supnya wich aundi hai but oh muslim hai oh hindu hai ya ooh kuch hor hai assi vyaa kida kravange """ I take it all as lust... When your Heart is SIKH you will Marry a SIKH Heart no one else..

Another thing ..Keshdhari for Keshdhari and amritdhari for amrithdhari... I do consider them as sikh and they deserve to have anand karaz in my point of view no one else...

truth is you are destroying your own lives with your own hands , your health, your peace of mind, your reputation, your family ties, and most important your relationship with your soul and Waheguru.

yes... jado apnya karke Dastar melli hon lag pye fe naa health rehnda, na peace of mind, na reputation na family ties.. and the most important your relationship with your soul and waheguru

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I am an extremely strong character - but sometimes I do need to hit the pillow and cry and I have done on my own - Yes

Im not looking for answers - I am merely looking to see if anyone has been in this situation or could even suggest to me how to take my mind off this.

at times I just say to myself that I came alone and I will leave alone - is this true? honestly - I will spend probably 30+ years with someone called my wife and she lies to me? - is that acceptable?

awww veer ji! You should really talk to someone because sangat on this forum can only give you suggestions whereas if you speak to a trusted family member or friend they can support you through out! Also if the worst happens

everyone will say to you "you should have told us!"

I havent had any experience myself but I know one of my aunty has quite a difficult marriage because her husband drinks a lot, gets really violent and does not give her explanations of where he is and when he'll be back! She got really ill a while back with all the worries and tension but finaly she's realised that by worrying and constantly thinking about the same thing she'll achieve nothing. She does what is in her hands and the rests he leaves to waheguru ji....

"Man Beche Satgur Ke Paas"

sell your mind which is full of worries, to the true guru

yes its true You come alone and will go alone as it says in sukhmani sahib - where your mother/father, family and friends don't go, o man there the name of the true lord is your support!

But Guru ji also emphasised Girhasti jeevan (family) so this means you should have a good relationship.

Personally i think that if you really want it to work out then forget her past and just focus on the immediate future. Sit her down and say "now wifey! i do not feel comfortable with this this and this..." Maybe she senses your stress too and might just understand if you tell her things straight.

If things still don't change you should get both parents together and tell them!

Also i would suggest do dukh bhanjani sahib! Its shorter than sukhmani sahib and dead easy to understand (if you can speak punjabi properly lol)

If not anything just constantly do the mool mantar in your mind and i'm sure your either see an improvement or find a solution.

Bhul chuk maaf ji, Good luck and i hope all ends well :)

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