I deleted this previously, reposting

[Arshdeep3]

Guru pyaari sadh sangat jee, 

I am writing this post with a heavy heart. I already know the answer in my heart but I want to write this down somewhere. There were two very important downfalls in my short lifetime.  Both of them left scars that I cannot undo.

The first major downfall happened in 2013. The year prior to that I was in utmost chardi kala. We were not exactly financially secure and things were hard at home, but I was at peace. I have only twice in my life experienced such peace. After the peace came the storm. I couldn't handle it and drifted away from waheguru. I lost trust. 

The second downfall happened in 2022. The order of events was the same. The year prior to what happened was absolute bliss. Then something happened and I feel in despair again. Once again, I couldn't handle life's hardships and let my ego make the worse of me. This time I lost love. 

I have come to understand I am a weak person, dominated by ego and maya. Life has given me two chances, and even while I am writing this I still desire ego more than waheguru. I used to have trust and love as my bond to waheguru. They both kept me going back to him despite my ego and maya pulling me to the other side. I no longer have trust or love for waheguru. And in addition to ego, I have also experienced anger in the past year. There's nothing pulling me towards waheguru. I feel like the damage I have received from the two above-mentioned downfalls is irreparable. I have lost precious trust and love. Something tells me that I won't be able to form a bond with waheguru again in this lifetime. The anger, pain and betrayal that I feel are too strong. I genuinely believe this is it. 

However, I have never once said I am not a sikh anymore. Something inside me keeps telling me I am still 0.01% sikh, never a 0%. For the past few days, I have been forcing myself to do small things such as saying mool mantar, or listening to a sakhi. It's not because I trust or love waheguru, but because I know that no matter how hurt I am, I need him to feel at peace. Even if I cannot reach sachkhand in this lifetime, and I know I won't, I need him as I need food. That's my only relationship with waheguru.  I am not planning to ever love him again. I don't want to suffer again. I'd rather stay in maya and keep myself safe. I also don't want to starve, so I'll remember him just enough. It's okay. Sachkhand was never for a weak soul like myself. I have come to understand that now. Each exam I have taken in my life has drifted me apart from waheguru and given me immense pain. I am done. I'll just quietly stay here and wait for my days to be over. I'll stay a 0.01% sikh so leave me alone. I don't want to participate in any more games or exams. 

I'll try again in my next janam. This one is done for. 

----

Edit: gurusahib did give me a hukumnama as a warning that I have only now understood. Even my anger is starting to die now. I am completely destroyed and just want to be left alone for the rest of my life. Don't give me more exams, I don't want it. I cannot handle it anymore. I get it, sansaar is a game. Maybe for waheguru, some of us are really broken here. We were never meant for sachkhand. I will no longer ask waheguru for amrit, in return, just don't give me any more pain. I'll stay at your feet because I need you like I need food, because it's the only place that gives me peace. I won't love you or trust you nor will I ask for amrit. Just let me stay in peace. If you cannot hold my hand when I am at my worst, then at least don't stab it when I come to you. 

You left me alone TWICE. 

As a kid, my mom used to tell me the story of small kittens who were thrown into the fore but didn't die because waheguru protected them. You protect everyone. At least answer my question and let me know why didn't you protect me? I am not asking why everything happened. I know we receive what we give. I must have done something bad in my other life. I get it. That's the law of the universe. But why was I left alone TWICE? You could have held my hand and helped me endure it. If I cannot fight it, you go and do it for me!! Aren't I your kid? And why was I thrown alone into a battle I cannot fight? When you KNOW I am weak, then why didn't you stand with me? Was my path not enough, was my sewa not enough? I feel like I cannot be at peace until I get an answer as to why I was left alone. This cannot be repaired. I don't want to repair it. I am disappointed, I am hurt. 

[dallysingh101]

Do you not think you may be wallowing in self-pity?  

[Guest Idio]

Keep listening to Sakhis, especially Sakhis like Bhai Taru Singh Ji and Bhai Bota Singh and Garja Singh. I have completely no idea how it would be to be in your boots, but I went through a few rounds of depression in my life. Sakhis about Guru Ke Singh fighting for Sikh helped me through depression, and so did listening to Salok Sheik Farid Ke. These things gave me a sense of detachment that I still long to have to this day, and gave me a deep empathy to creatures of Paratama. I would suggest atleast listening to Chaupi Sahib and Tav Parsad Savaye evey single day. If you miss a day or two, don’t beat yourself up over it. 
 

Never give up on Waheguru and never loose trust in him. I don’t know if I’m just a naive teenager that’s barely into the world, but everytime I lost trust and strayed away from Waheguru, it gave me tremendous amounts of anxiety. I remember during my depression there was something that made me feel intoxicated all the time if I did it, and that was waking up for amritvela. Don’t just read or listen to 5 baniya, listen to Kirtan. I usually used to have 5 baniya listened to or read and then 7 short kirtans I would listen to.

 

the only thing telling you that you won’t be able to bond with Satguru Sache Patsha is you. Baba Bidhi Chand ji, a gursikh of Guru Hargobind Sahib ji Maharaj used to be a thief before entering the Gurus Sanctuary. A thief can become one of the greatest warriors of the Guru and your defeatist mindset tells you that you cannot achieve Akal Purakh Waheguru within this lifetime? Absolute nonsense on your behalf. Sajjan Tug used to kill and rob people in the robes of a holy man and he was forgiven by the Guru. Maharaj is waiting for all of us with open arms but our stupid selves don’t see him.

Why do you want to stay in Maya and play it safe? If you are truly as horrible as you say, you might have to go through all Chaursi Lakh lives before you get this chance again.

 

Bai Prapat Manukh De Huriya, Gobind Milan ke ahe Teri bariya 

Avar Kaaj tere kite na Kaam, mil Sadhsangat Pajh Keval Naam.

 

You don’t wanna love waheguru? 
 

saach Kahu sunleyo sabhe jin prem kiyo tin he prabh payo.

You have a shot at reaching akal purakh, don’t blow it.

 

Your Janam is still valid, even on your deathbed. 
 

Bahot Janam Bichere te Madho, ehe Janam tumare Lekhe.

 

Twice in your life you have been thrown into battle. Twice in life you have been broken down. Kabir Ji has bani on this.

 

Soora So Pehachanye, Jo lare deen ke het, purja purja kat mare, kab hoo na shade Khet 

 

Recognize him as a warrior, who fights for his way of life. He may be chopped to pieces, but he will not leave the battle field.

 

You say you are 0.001 percent sikh? Fight for being a sikh. Go into the battlefield of your mind, defeat the coward who doesn’t want to face life and discard him, or die trying. 
 

I don’t understand why you are asking Maharaj to Protect you when he sent his own sons to slaughter the Mughals and get a death sentence. Life is all a battle veere, stand upfront and face it.

ਕਛੁ ਬਿਗਰਿਓ ਨਾਹਿਨ ਅਜਹੁ ਜਾਗ ॥੧॥ ਰਹਾਉ ॥
कछु बिगरिओ नाहिन अजहु जाग ॥१॥ रहाउ ॥
Kacẖẖ bigri▫o nāhin ajahu jāg. ||1|| rahā▫o.
Nothing has been lost yet - there is still time to wake up! ||1||Pause||
Guru Teg Bahadur

 

[realist17]

Chanting, intense meditation, austere self-discipline, pleasure, peace, honor, greatness and pride-O'musan, I would sacrifice again and again all these for a moment of my Lord's Love. 

-GGS Ji

[Arshdeep3]

On 3/30/2023 at 11:04 PM, dallysingh101 said:

Do you not think you may be wallowing in self-pity?  

Say more. I need some honest feedback to knock some sense into my head. 

[Arshdeep3]

On 4/8/2023 at 9:07 PM, realist17 said:

Chanting, intense meditation, austere self-discipline, pleasure, peace, honor, greatness and pride-O'musan, I would sacrifice again and again all these for a moment of my Lord's Love. 

-GGS Ji

I wish. If there's is one thing I have actually gained from all this is the discovery of my true self. I am probably a weak, evil mind that used to cling to Waheguru only to receive. So there was probably no love to start from. I am realizing that now. 

If I take into consideration how dark my true self really is, salvation is no longer possible in this lifetime. 

I don't see myself capable of loving without expecting. I am greedy. That's there. I am accepting it. 

[dallysingh101]

27 minutes ago, Arshdeep3 said:

I wish. If there's is one thing I have actually gained from all this is the discovery of my true self. I am probably a weak, evil mind that used to cling to Waheguru only to receive. So there was probably no love to start from. I am realizing that now. 

If I take into consideration how dark my true self really is, salvation is no longer possible in this lifetime. 

I don't see myself capable of loving without expecting. I am greedy. That's there. I am accepting it. 

It could've been worse. You're lucky you didn't grow up where I did with that name bro.......

[dallysingh101]

32 minutes ago, Arshdeep3 said:

Say more. I need some honest feedback to knock some sense into my head. 

You're being a big pu55y. Boo hoo hoo!! Life didn't go exactly as I wanted!! Boo hoo hoo!! Poor me!

 

[dallysingh101]

31 minutes ago, Arshdeep3 said:

 

I don't see myself capable of loving without expecting. I am greedy. That's there. I am accepting it. 

What a twat you are. Not even attempting to change. 

[Arshdeep3]

21 hours ago, dallysingh101 said:

You're being a big pu55y. Boo hoo hoo!! Life didn't go exactly as I wanted!! Boo hoo hoo!! Poor me!

 

Okay that kind of actually helped. I need to stop pitying myself.