Sikhs And Dating?

[Guest Jacfsing2]

Can anyone tell me exactly why Sikhs can't date other Sikhs? (If you are from the same religion it shouldn't be a problem). Also if we keep our Rehats during the relationship, wouldn't it help find a suitable partner in the future. Keeping the basic rules of no Adultery and kissing and all that junk. Also I'd like either Rehat Maryada or Gurbani views on this, if it even mentions it.

[Guest]

Can anyone tell me exactly why Sikhs can't date other Sikhs? (If you are from the same religion it shouldn't be a problem). Also if we keep our Rehats during the relationship, wouldn't it help find a suitable partner in the future. Keeping the basic rules of no Adultery and kissing and all that junk. Also I'd like either Rehat Maryada or Gurbani views on this, if it even mentions it.

Seems like somebody might have a crush ;)

In all seriousness I think dating is not a good idea.

[Not2Cool2Argue]

Its been doscussed on basics of sikhi : https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=M3kASFLipVs

And on this site too.

I like this one:

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=wIGwZ13y26s

[MisterrSingh]

Can anyone tell me exactly why Sikhs can't date other Sikhs? (If you are from the same religion it shouldn't be a problem). Also if we keep our Rehats during the relationship, wouldn't it help find a suitable partner in the future. Keeping the basic rules of no Adultery and kissing and all that junk. Also I'd like either Rehat Maryada or Gurbani views on this, if it even mentions it.

Would you be okay with a Singh dating your sister for a while and it not leading to marriage? You'll find your answer in your response.

Admittedly, away from Sikhi and Punjabi cultural norms, there are aspects to dating that are positive (mostly to do with discovering how the opposite gender operates in those situations, thus not being swept away and being in thrall to the only person you've "been" with, because you're a bit wiser as to navigate the minefield that is relationships), but when it comes to our lot, it's mostly lust. Concerns regarding self-realisation, etc, don't figure much in our thinking.

[dallysingh101]

Would you be okay with a Singh dating your sister for a while and it not leading to marriage? You'll find your answer in your response.

Admittedly, away from Sikhi and Punjabi cultural norms, there are aspects to dating that are positive (mostly to do with discovering how the opposite gender operates in those situations, thus not being swept away and being in thrall to the only person you've "been" with, because you're a bit wiser as to navigate the minefield that is relationships), but when it comes to our lot, it's mostly lust. Concerns regarding self-realisation, etc, don't figure much in our thinking.

I don't know. I think people are getting more clued up. It's slow but happening.

This separation of genders within our community creates its own issues with gullibility and naivety.

Would you be okay with a Singh dating your sister for a while and it not leading to marriage?

With regard to the above specifically. I've now seen a fair few families that followed the so-called 'proper way' in line with our Panjabi culture, only to see their daughters end up in really messy relationships that ultimately didn't last.

Having experienced that - the families all of a sudden aren't that fussed with the younger ones dating (or lets say getting to know their prospective partner) prior to marriage. Wonder why that is?

[Guest Jacfsing2]

Would you be okay with a Singh dating your sister for a while and it not leading to marriage? You'll find your answer in your response.

Admittedly, away from Sikhi and Punjabi cultural norms, there are aspects to dating that are positive (mostly to do with discovering how the opposite gender operates in those situations, thus not being swept away and being in thrall to the only person you've "been" with, because you're a bit wiser as to navigate the minefield that is relationships), but when it comes to our lot, it's mostly lust. Concerns regarding self-realisation, etc, don't figure much in our thinking.

I was mostly asking to find a marriage partner, because many "sikh" parents would actually try looking at caste and other junk, (a big dowry, an obedient in-laws, and finally an astrologer).

[MisterrSingh]

With regard to the above specifically. I've now seen a fair few families that followed the so-called 'proper way' in line with our Panjabi culture, only to see their daughters end up in really messy relationships that ultimately didn't last.

Having experienced that - the families all of a sudden aren't that fussed with the younger ones dating (or lets say getting to know their prospective partner) prior to marriage. Wonder why that is?

I don't have a sister or any female relatives, BUT I am quite adept at empathising and placing myself in other people's shoes, and I'll tell you Singh, I'd go nuts if some Sikh guy (Gursikh or not) started going out with someone in my family to "test the waters" for a few years, and then dropped her in the end. Call me old fashioned, but that stuff still doesn't sit right with me.

I know what you're saying: there's tonnes of people that do things the "right" way that still end up getting jerked around, but I wouldn't throw the baby out with the bath water, not at all. As oppressive and hypocritical as Punjabi culture and society can be, I consider it a huge source of sadness when someone's previously stellar reputation is besmirched through an error of judgement, naiveté, or even through no fault of their own.

I don't judge non-Sikhs who date - not one iota - cos if it works for them, more power to them. But as Sikhs, nah, we should function and hold ourselves to a higher standard.

[Guest Jacfsing2]

Seems like somebody might have a crush ;)

In all seriousness I think dating is not a good idea.

I'm not even mature enough to get married, (I'm mostly asking as a way to find someone marriage partner).

[dallysingh101]

I don't have a sister or any female relatives, BUT I am quite adept at empathising and placing myself in other people's shoes, and I'll tell you Singh, I'd go nuts if some Sikh guy (Gursikh or not) started going out with someone in my family to "test the waters" for a few years, and then dropped her in the end. Call me old fashioned, but that stuff still doesn't sit right with me.

Brother I hear you, but don't think this doesn't as often happen with girls who keep a guy strung along only to jump on what they see as...how do I put it....better prospects down the line.

I know what you're saying: there's tonnes of people that do things the "right" way that still end up getting jerked around, but I wouldn't throw the baby out with the bath water, not at all. As oppressive and hypocritical as Punjabi culture and society can be, I consider it a huge source of sadness when someone's previously stellar reputation is besmirched through an error of judgement, naiveté, or even through no fault of their own.

This is where I think having men (not the same as just being male) in a family matters. As a dissuasive force against people who string someone along with no real honorable intention. This happens A LOT with rich good looking guys, who get accustomed to women running around after them.

Plus, does your last comment not bring up the topic of excessive judgmentalism about these things in our community anyway? Putting a failed relationship almost in the same bracket as getting used and abused by a Sikh hating sullah for example.

We can't not adapt to changes that are being imposed on us and seem unavoidable to me? Unless you see something I don't?

[MisterrSingh]

Brother I hear you, but don't think this doesn't as often happen with girls who keep a guy strung along only to jump on what they see as...how do I put it....better prospects down the line.

Definitely. That goes without saying, I definitely wasn't white-knighting or anything like that. I was looking at the issue from a certain perspective, arguably one where I guess there's a part of me that still feels that our Sikh sisters should be "protected." I'm pretty certain very few of them see it that way in this day and age, which is fine with me.

This is where I think having men (not the same as just being male) in a family matters. As a dissuasive force against people who string someone along with no real honorable intention. This happens A LOT with rich good looking guys, who get accustomed to women running around after them.

Plus, does your last comment not bring up the topic of excessive judgmentalism about these things in our community anyway? Putting a failed relationship almost in the same bracket as getting used and abused by a Sikh hating sullah for example.

We can't not adapt to changes that are being imposed on us and seem unavoidable to me? Unless you see something I don't?

I personally wasn't coming from a judgemental angle, but, again, the old izzat perspective (no, not in the way Muslims have ruined that concept for the rest of us by chopping up their disobedient women and burying them under the patio in old suitcases); that kind of stiff-upper-lip, keep-your-house-in-order, play-by-the-rules, enjoy-life-and work-hard-but-don't-bring-your-family-into-disrepute mentality that our elders had, without recourse to fatal acts of violence to keep family members in-line.

I guess we have different tolerance levels and thresholds for defining the parameters of a respectful life. Don't get me wrong, I don't think we're too far off from meeting in the middle. We're human after all and the sum of our life experiences, so there's bound to be some leeway or deviations at either end.