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Guest harsimran

Having Trouble Dealing With Father

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Guest harsimran

Waheguru Ji Ka khalsa !
Waheguru Ji Ki Fateh !!

Forgive me for bringing my problems to you, but I cannot share this with anyone I know.

My father went down with back injury when I was 14, and he could not work for a while. While he was down, my mother had to step in to fulfil his duties, along with hers. She worked day and night, while also attending to my father's and our needs. I helped her best I could. Once my father got better, he could not gather the courage to go back to work. We talked with people to get appropriate work to his like, but he did not want to work for anyone. Apparently, his boss at his previous job was not very good, and my father never confronted him. So, now that he got a way out, he did not want to work for anyone. He did not once think how hard his wife has it, or his sons. Or maybe he did, but he never tried to do anything. He simply put himself ahead of us, which he does to this day.

Staying home, my father got lots of bad habits. He started getting involved in very little affairs of ours, giving advice all day long. I feel he was basically trying to make himself valuable again, but he was doing more harm than good. He also started being more stubborn and aggressive towards us. We tried to be helpful, but once in a while if we said anything, he would take it very offensively. His excuse "just because I don't work, does not mean you can say this." Honestly, we never disrespected him, in a normal relationships this would not even be an issue. But, he took offense to every little thing, applying it to his situation, which he created for himself. He continued to distance himself from us, yet demanding all the respect.

As I turned 17, I could no longer take my mother working extreme hours, yet being emotionally hurt by my father. I left school to work.

Today I am 21, and my father has shown some change, but old habits die hard. He still gets agitated on small things, like the other day I praise my mother for how strong and resilient she has been, and he started crying, saying I make him feel bad. All he does is sit home all day, watch TV, and give us lots of lectures and advice. He is stuck in a little box, and does not see how much we've grown. Nor does he take care of his health, which worries my mother the most. When she tells him something, he tells her "leave me on my own". I told my mother not to worry, but she says its her duty.

I just call this my karm, something I have to deal with to clear my bad karm from previous lives. However, every once in a while I get deeply hurt by his attitude, especially when he hurts my mom.

At this point, I don't know what to do. I can't leave him, he has nothing of his own. I love my mother very much, and she will never leave him, no matter how he is. And I cannot leave my mother. I can't share my feelings with him, he will simply start crying very loud, and saying its his fault. Then he'll go to sleep. Then he'll be super serious and quiet for couple days, then within a week back to his old self. I do not want to get outside people involved, because it will really hurt him and his respect.

I do not wish to hurt my father in any way, Akal Purakh resides within him; it is all Akal Purakh's bhana.

If it's not too much to ask for, please do ardaas guru sahib chardikala bakshan.

Waheguru Ji Ka khalsa !
Waheguru Ji Ki Fateh !!

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Dear harsimran jee,

such a touching relate of yours, while reading it, it is like actually seeing it. First of all, congrats for being so brave and mature.

Then, I do understand your father´s condition, if it is not too much, i would say your father needs a bit of love, to gain self confdence again. Give him a hug several times a day, make him feel, he is being loved...then you shall may see quite a bit of positive transformation in him. Love works wonders.

Some times, some elders are children, and some times, some youngsters are mature...nobody is perfect.

Man sometimes have to face, negative atmosphere at work, the bosses usually think, that by employing the employee, he /she has got a slave servant as well, not so much in the west, but quite predominant in our "hindustani" culture.

They will pay a dollar for example, but will drink more than a litre of his/her blood....so disgusting, so irritating. Such a mean and a dirty mentality.

Destiny has put a bit of weight on your shoulders at such a young age, but nevertheless, pray Wahiguru, to give you strength and courage,so that you may fulfill your duties decently towards both of your parents.

Mothers are of course important, but fathers are also. I know a close friend, whose father passed away about 20 years ago, but yet, he misses him a lot...and he says that, he may turn 100 years some day, but even then, he will miss the warmth and the protective hand of his father over his head.

Harsimran jee, that Wahiguru which you mention is in your father, is very much in each one of us also in the same measure.

So if He can listen other´s ardas, why not yours?

Of course we shall do ardas also, but, let us not forget, He does not keep Himself hidden, nor deaf for some ....He loves each one of us, much more we can ever imagine, it is our receptivity which counts in feeling His presence in us

Just give Him a call full of love, He will surely listen to you and assist you. He is our only Rakhanhaar, our Palanhaar, our Sajjan, our Preetam....

And to call Him, it is no other thing, than doing His Simran.

The Bani says: Vin boleeya sabh kich jaanda, kis aagay keejay ardas.

May Wahiguru bless you and your family.

Sat Sree Akal.

Edited by harsharan000
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Normally people have a down after a bad job but they are able to pick themselves up and get on. Unfortunately your dad seems to have been quite shatteted. You may help him by encouraging him to go to the guradwara. Hopefully it may help him heal his eelf confidence. We become what we set our minds on. If you mean crying crocodile tears he may be going through depression. Why don't you get him a book like some sakhis or Bhai rama sinhh jis book - as a gift. He needs to get his vision back and get moving on. Being lazy isn't going to help him in the long term. Get him a gym membership or encourage him to go for some swimming which can give him gentle exercise and help him recover physically. Take him out for a walk to get fresh air. Appreciate what he has done for you in the past years. Mark out to him though that you liked him better when he was active. Saying something like we should all also join you and laze around doing nothing might serve to wake him up and realise that he is not being an ideal role model. Perhaps mentioning to him that you would like to laze around in the future just like him might trudge him into action. Its your dad and you are the best judge. Talk to him in a friendly manner and mark out the harm he is inflicting on his body by not using it. Keep trying til you get what works. Put on a shabad cd or path at a particular time of the day.

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Guest Sat

My dad was the same, except he drank alcohol, used to hit my mum and he had affairs.

My mum did EVERYTHING.

I would suggest that u encourage him to work as a driver/courier, to work in a factory or something. Something where he can spend time alone.

In all honesty I went through a long long phase where I was too scared to work and used to get awful anxiety around large workplaces etc. It was almost debilitating.

So encourage him to start off small to get some work ethic and confidence back and to get him to feel that he is actually able to work.

If he refuses, then give him an ultimatum. It's as simple as that, if someone can't contribute, then they don't deserve to live in ur house.

Tell him that most of the world works and that he shouldn't feel that he is the exception.

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This is quite common in alot of familes as this also happened to me as well personally.

My father had an accident in a bread factory and it all went downhill from there.

But as the bible says:

an idle mind is the devil's workshop

; idle lips are his mouthpiece. - Proverbs 16:27

27 ਇੱਕ ਸਮਾਜ ਧ੍ਰੋਹੀ ਆਦਮੀ ਹਮੇਸ਼ਾ ਮੰਦੀਆਂ ਗੱਲਾਂ ਵਿਉਂਤਦਾ, ਅਤੇ ਉਸਦਾ ਉਪਦੇਸ਼ ਉਸ ਅੱਗ ਵਾਂਗ ਹੈ ਜੋ ਚੀਜ਼ਾਂ ਨੂੰ ਤਬਾਹ ਕਰਦੀ ਹੈ।

(As you can see the translation is very diffrent from the english translation and that it is very important too learn gurmukhi instead of always reading the english version of the SGGS but that is a topic for another day.)

Napoleon Hills 1 says that our minds are like "fertile gardens" and that if we take no positive action (i.e., we are idle in our thinking) negativity, randomness, and destructive ideas will naturally fill the void and take root and consequently dictate our unpleasant experience. That is why like it says in SGGS it's important too do Sadhana, not for your anyone else but for you.

The only way you can help him is to work on yourself.

1. McCreadie, K. and Hill, N. (2008). Napoleon Hill's Think and grow rich. Oxford: Infinite Ideas.

Edited by Cloud

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Guest _originalposter_

Thank you for the answers. I have been very busy, but yesterday he was rude to my mother again so I came back.

We have literally tried everything. We have tried everything fron love, anger, emotional, encouragement. When he was down we tried to find suitable work, but he just did not want to work again. He's always had excuses for everything. I don't want to go into details or anything. It gets upsetting for me. Problem is hes stuck in a little box, and he does not want to come out of it. He does not want to try anything, wants to be left the way he is. But then, he has problems with us. He gets involved in our affairs and tries to be smart without understanding the situation. Other day, in front of neighbors he was trying to act smart, trying to make my mother seem dumb, but ended up making a complete fool of himself. What's the point of telling you this.

I just humbly ask you to do ardaas for this veer that guru sahib chardikala bakshan. Ta ki eh karam aap jee dee asseessan na katteya jave. Maaf karna, mai aap jee da dendaar howanga, but jachak kol sangat de sivaa hor koee nee haige.

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Dear harsimran jee,

such a touching relate of yours, while reading it, it is like actually seeing it. First of all, congrats for being so brave and mature.

Then, I do understand your father´s condition, if it is not too much, i would say your father needs a bit of love, to gain self confdence again. Give him a hug several times a day, make him feel, he is being loved...then you shall may see quite a bit of positive transformation in him. Love works wonders.

Some times, some elders are children, and some times, some youngsters are mature...nobody is perfect.

Man sometimes have to face, negative atmosphere at work, the bosses usually think, that by employing the employee, he /she has got a slave servant as well, not so much in the west, but quite predominant in our "hindustani" culture.

They will pay a dollar for example, but will drink more than a litre of his/her blood....so disgusting, so irritating. Such a mean and a dirty mentality.

Destiny has put a bit of weight on your shoulders at such a young age, but nevertheless, pray Wahiguru, to give you strength and courage,so that you may fulfill your duties decently towards both of your parents.

Mothers are of course important, but fathers are also. I know a close friend, whose father passed away about 20 years ago, but yet, he misses him a lot...and he says that, he may turn 100 years some day, but even then, he will miss the warmth and the protective hand of his father over his head.

Harsimran jee, that Wahiguru which you mention is in your father, is very much in each one of us also in the same measure.

So if He can listen other´s ardas, why not yours?

Of course we shall do ardas also, but, let us not forget, He does not keep Himself hidden, nor deaf for some ....He loves each one of us, much more we can ever imagine, it is our receptivity which counts in feeling His presence in us

Just give Him a call full of love, He will surely listen to you and assist you. He is our only Rakhanhaar, our Palanhaar, our Sajjan, our Preetam....

And to call Him, it is no other thing, than doing His Simran.

The Bani says: Vin boleeya sabh kich jaanda, kis aagay keejay ardas.

May Wahiguru bless you and your family.

Sat Sree Akal.

Your answer is in Harsharan Paji's post above - Simran.

" Ta ki eh karam aap jee dee asseessan na katteya jave. Maaf karna, mai aap jee da dendaar howanga, but jachak kol sangat de sivaa hor koee nee haige."

Say this to Waheguru and do the Ardas yourself, ask Waheguru to help you and ask for forgiveness of any bad karms.

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