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Dealing with a horrible past


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Guest Anonymous

Wjkk wjkf

about 4 years ago I realised the reason behind my habit of getting into relationships, letting men take advantage of me and cheating to get attention. I didn't get the love from my cousins/relatives and mom. The only person who stood by was my dad and my relatives never cared about me, their behaviour towards me just proved that they believed me to be the "extra" child since I was a daughter. 

I am currently 22, with Guru ji's kirpa I took choola at 9, amrit 15. Somehow guru ji has been waking me during amrit vela since 14, but I couldn't those habits. It sometimes comes as a shock that I am still virgin since I was made to think that sexual contact means care and love and most of these boys just took advantage of me.

The change came when I was 18, guru ji pulled me back and I can't describe all he and mata Sahib kaur ji have done to this messed up daughter. But I fear this past of mine won't allow me to get married to a chardikala wala singh, who has a jeevan and keeps his rehit. 

Would you as a Singh accept such a wife? Would anyone do it tbh. It's a fear that comes across seldom yet makes me think of myself as unworthy.

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Guest Jacfsing2
5 hours ago, Guest Anonymous said:

Wjkk wjkf

about 4 years ago I realised the reason behind my habit of getting into relationships, letting men take advantage of me and cheating to get attention. I didn't get the love from my cousins/relatives and mom. The only person who stood by was my dad and my relatives never cared about me, their behaviour towards me just proved that they believed me to be the "extra" child since I was a daughter. 

I am currently 22, with Guru ji's kirpa I took choola at 9, amrit 15. Somehow guru ji has been waking me during amrit vela since 14, but I couldn't those habits. It sometimes comes as a shock that I am still virgin since I was made to think that sexual contact means care and love and most of these boys just took advantage of me.

The change came when I was 18, guru ji pulled me back and I can't describe all he and mata Sahib kaur ji have done to this messed up daughter. But I fear this past of mine won't allow me to get married to a chardikala wala singh, who has a jeevan and keeps his rehit. 

Would you as a Singh accept such a wife? Would anyone do it tbh. It's a fear that comes across seldom yet makes me think of myself as unworthy.

Vaheguru blessed you and now you should focus on keeping with Guru Sahib's path. That should be your main focus on keeping Vaheguru happy from now on. When it comes to finding a Charidikala Wala Singh, that would depend on the individual and on a case-by-case basis; some Singhs are open to you and others will not, the fact that you are still a virgin, may help you from completely being denied by some Mahapurukh Singhs. (But if you were to ask someone like me personally, I wouldn't prefer it telling you straight-up, despite that; there are other qualities to look for in an individual than just one thing).

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19 minutes ago, kalyugi said:

Sometimes Sanjog are out of our hands, you will never know what you will get.

 

A singh who kept rehit and never had a gf, would expect someone who is on a same position/level as him.

 

The important thing for you to do is the following: You are 22, still very young, focus on bettering yourself in all aspects, past is past, try to remove it with intense japa & tapasya, dont go looking for another person to make you happy.

Try happiness & satisfaction comes from within. If your inside is not strong, even a good singh cant help you. I know you are young, and still romance about life, but with age you will realize marriage is nothing special..as its made out to be.

Focus on yourself and better youurself...find true companionship within yourself.

Since she has marriage on the mind.  Maybe she is not young at all.  Many punjabi youth go in the wrong direction because their parents did not get them married in their early 20s.  Many girls end up dating very young these days.  They ruin their lives by dating because they get introduced to alcohol and drugs.  

In this girls case, she should tell her parents to get her married or tell the parents she is looking for a rishta and would like to have some input.

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20 hours ago, Akalifauj said:

Since she has marriage on the mind.  Maybe she is not young at all.  Many punjabi youth go in the wrong direction because their parents did not get them married in their early 20s.  Many girls end up dating very young these days.  They ruin their lives by dating because they get introduced to alcohol and drugs.  

In this girls case, she should tell her parents to get her married or tell the parents she is looking for a rishta and would like to have some input.

People do not go in the wrong direction because "their parents did not get them married in their early 20s".  If you're unable to be all there unmarried, what makes you think someone will be virtuous post marriage.  By your logic if someone dates at age 14, they should be married at that age.  And you want the same people who didn't care for her, to look for a rishta for her?

To the original post

You are not unworthy and you are more than your physical body and past. We all are here in kaljug at different stages. If a singh doesn't accept you because of what happened to you, it's his shortcoming.  Ready to give his life for his Guru but unable to accept you? That's a coward.

Talk to a therapist, there is a reason why they're paid so much, because it works.

Love Waheguru and leave the rest

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11 hours ago, kalyugi said:

A singh who kept rehit and never had a gf, would expect someone who is on a same position/level as him.

Yes, and i hope he'd be rewarded with such a partner unless there was something in his karams that he needs to work through. If not, then seeking a high avastha Gursikh to - on some level - absolve a female of the mistakes of her youth is quite a selfish thing to hope for. I wouldn't wish that on anyone, whether the Gursikh with the avastha was female or male.

What is she doing to ensure she's worthy of such a man? Because from what I've seen, there's this mistaken belief amongst some young Amritdharis that in situations such as these it's the responsibility of the more spiritual partner to drag the other less spiritual constituent in the relationship up to their level. So he or she is a glorified relationship / spiritual counsellor? And usually, from what I've observed, the one who needs to get up to speed eventually settles into a comfortable rut once the initial gloss of a new marriage begins to fade, and all desire for improvement falls by the wayside as the drudgery of daily domesticity takes its inevitable toll on both sides, and the partner who needs to improve decides it's easier to drag their spiritual better to their own lower status, because it's easier than putting the work in.

No, I would pray Waheguru does not curse one of his true devotees with such a partner. Noble intentions and declarations are rarely, if ever, carried through until the very end.

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Guest Jacfsing2
44 minutes ago, MisterrSingh said:

Yes, and i hope he'd be rewarded with such a partner unless there was something in his karams that he needs to work through. If not, then seeking a high avastha Gursikh to - on some level - absolve a female of the mistakes of her youth is quite a selfish thing to hope for. I wouldn't wish that on anyone, whether the Gursikh with the avastha was female or male.

What is she doing to ensure she's worthy of such a man? Because from what I've seen, there's this mistaken belief amongst some young Amritdharis that in situations such as these it's the responsibility of the more spiritual partner to drag the other less spiritual constituent in the relationship up to their level. So he or she is a glorified relationship / spiritual counsellor? And usually, from what I've observed, the one who needs to get up to speed eventually settles into a comfortable rut once the initial gloss of a new marriage begins to fade, and all desire for improvement falls by the wayside as the drudgery of daily domesticity takes its inevitable toll on both sides, and the partner who needs to improve decides it's easier to drag their spiritual better to their own lower status, because it's easier than putting the work in.

No, I would pray Waheguru does not curse one of his true devotees with such a partner. Noble intentions and declarations are rarely, if ever, carried through until the very end.

+1 What ever happened to the Gur-prassad only days? But an equal should only marry another equal which is something I totally agree with. Just get some Amritdhari Sangat of the same gender to help you with your bhagti, no need to drag someone else down.

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1 hour ago, Jacfsing2 said:

Just get some Amritdhari Sangat of the same gender to help you with your bhagti,

yup

 

2 hours ago, MisterrSingh said:

And usually, from what I've observed, the one who needs to get up to speed eventually settles into a comfortable rut once the initial gloss of a new marriage begins to fade, and all desire for improvement falls by the wayside as the drudgery of daily domesticity takes its inevitable toll on both sides, and the partner who needs to improve decides it's easier to drag their spiritual better to their own lower status, because it's easier than putting the work in.

exactly!

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about 4 years ago I realised the reason behind my habit of getting into relationships, letting men take advantage of me and cheating to get attention. I didn't get the love from my cousins/relatives and mom. The only person who stood by was my dad and my relatives never cared about me, their behaviour towards me just proved that they believed me to be the "extra" child since I was a daughter. 

This is unusual. I've always found that absent father figures can make young females become promiscuous, but here it sounds like your father was a decent, supportive guy. 

I'd suggest, exploring within yourself and facing up to your behaviour honestly, without deflecting the blame elsewhere. Attention and physical excitement can be addictive, many people (male and female) have fallen victim to them. You aren't the first - and i doubt you'll be the last. 

What I'm wondering is why you want a really religious partner like this? I hope (and I'm not saying that it is!) - it is not an attempt to try and somehow clear up your own reputation by associating with someone else. That wouldn't be fair on them. 

I just find it more productive if a person acknowledges their own part in what has transpired (even if it was down to human weakness) rather than absolve oneself of everything by putting it on everyone else.  

In the meanwhile just carry on cleansing yourself with naam. A lot of us have to do this to address past behaviour: Be true to yourself without beating yourself up about it. 

 

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