Unable to forgive myself

[Guest Guilty and a fake]

Gurufateh jio

I will cut to the chase I posted a thread a while back explaining how my husband and I had done some explicit sexual acts and how I regretted it and we wanted to go pesh for it....

Well we went pesh and without describing the actual nature of these two activities to the panj pyare we just told them we had 'committed wrong bodily actions' to which the panj pyare asked was it a bujjar kuret? We said yes. So then we were given our tankhah and 're took Amrit dee daat.'

Ok so now fast forward to present day; I still feel guilty for what I did... my husband tells me that we have been forgiven and I should move on but I just feel so guilty and tainted and ashamed...Being in bana all the time and having committed such acts makes me feel like a fraud. I just don't feel like I deserve this Bana, Sikhi or even my Guru...I just want to start again. I wish we could be remarried and I would never commit such actions...

I will be honest sometimes when we get intimate my husband still tells me how much he would love to carryout those acts but I tell him no. We need to be good. Then there are times when I tease him about wanting to do those actions with him. It is like the mind likes to ponder in this filth but my concious reminds me no we have already been pesh. No more. We have never re committed these acts but it is always there in my mind that I am no longer a 'pure singhni' - I am just a fake. I don't think I can ever bring my pride for being a daufhter of dasam pita again. I just feel so disgusted in myself. I feel I have let everyone, my Guru, Sangat and myself down. People must take 1 look at me and think wow - Khalsa! But they don't know what a disgusting bit3h I really am...I don't think I can ever forgive myself....

[puzzled 1,920]

How are s3xual acts within marriage a sin!  Im confused! 

[Redoptics 160]

Hmmm you can be as sexual as you like with your husband as long its the two of you, if you have introduced a third wheel, that may be an issue.

[MisterrSingh 3,439]

Talk to a fellow Singhni or thrash it out with your husband, and stop trying to induce the males on this site to further enquire as to the particulars of your salacious nocturnal activities. Rando internet weirdos aren't of much help in these situations.

Everyone else: don't fall for the bait.

[Guest BJ kurehit]

Read Sri Triya Charitar to educate yourself 

[puzzled 1,920]

4 hours ago, Redoptics said:

Hmmm you can be as sexual as you like with your husband as long its the two of you, if you have introduced a third wheel, that may be an issue.

Third wheel

[Redoptics 160]

8 minutes ago, puzzled said:

Third wheel

Lol got to keep it friendly 

[Guest guest]

hi

you are displaying symptoms of some kind of obsessive, guilt.  you are completely over reacting.  either you are naive (not trying to be rude) or have some kind of ocd.

its nice you have such high ideals for yourself, but you need to relax.  have some humility, and take it easy on yourself.

i think you may be overly scrupulous.  these guilty thoughts you have don't make you more religious.  if anything they probably distract you from worshipping God.  

sex is private between you and your husband.  its not a sin for ordinary married people (neither of you are saints in that respect- it's fine).  its not a bujjar kureheit.  

don't put yourself down.  you're not a <banned word filter activated> or a fake.  being Khalsa is about doing your best and serving God, not about obsessing about your flaws.

do you and your partner do paath together?  

[T_Singh 13]

Hello,

Intimacy between yourself and your partner  is fine so I am not sure why you are feeling guilty.  Please try not to over think.  Your are still a Khalsa you have been pesh and your lekha has been ripped apart by the Punj piaare and that in itself (presenting yourself in front on the punj) is a very noble act.  

 

Try not to over think, try to do some Sangat of gursikhs locally.

Your brother

T Singh 

[Guest Sat]

On 4/20/2019 at 2:32 AM, Guest Guilty and a fake said:

Gurufateh jio

I will cut to the chase I posted a thread a while back explaining how my husband and I had done some explicit sexual acts and how I regretted it and we wanted to go pesh for it....

Well we went pesh and without describing the actual nature of these two activities to the panj pyare we just told them we had 'committed wrong bodily actions' to which the panj pyare asked was it a bujjar kuret? We said yes. So then we were given our tankhah and 're took Amrit dee daat.'

Ok so now fast forward to present day; I still feel guilty for what I did... my husband tells me that we have been forgiven and I should move on but I just feel so guilty and tainted and ashamed...Being in bana all the time and having committed such acts makes me feel like a fraud. I just don't feel like I deserve this Bana, Sikhi or even my Guru...I just want to start again. I wish we could be remarried and I would never commit such actions...

I will be honest sometimes when we get intimate my husband still tells me how much he would love to carryout those acts but I tell him no. We need to be good. Then there are times when I tease him about wanting to do those actions with him. It is like the mind likes to ponder in this filth but my concious reminds me no we have already been pesh. No more. We have never re committed these acts but it is always there in my mind that I am no longer a 'pure singhni' - I am just a fake. I don't think I can ever bring my pride for being a daufhter of dasam pita again. I just feel so disgusted in myself. I feel I have let everyone, my Guru, Sangat and myself down. People must take 1 look at me and think wow - Khalsa! But they don't know what a disgusting bit3h I really am...I don't think I can ever forgive myself....

Have sex but don't get carried away by lust. It's a deep dark pit. I myself was ensnared in it for a long time and am only just beggining to pull myself back out of the well I dug for myself. 

[ipledgeblue 158]

On 4/20/2019 at 12:32 AM, Guest Guilty and a fake said:

 

Well we went pesh and without describing the actual nature of these two activities to the panj pyare we just told them we had 'committed wrong bodily actions' to which the panj pyare asked was it a bujjar kuret? We said yes. So then we were given our tankhah and 're took Amrit dee daat.'

 

how is it bujjar kurahit? 

On 4/21/2019 at 4:36 PM, Guest BJ kurehit said:

Read Sri Triya Charitar to educate yourself 

THIS, please read this bani!

[Guest OP-]

Thank you so much to all of the replies especially the last 3 Gursikhs. I feel much better now that you have given some kind words. I will try and read the Gurbanee you suggested. You guys really are great souls. Thank you once again.

[Big_Tera 1,115]

On 4/20/2019 at 12:32 AM, Guest Guilty and a fake said:

Gurufateh jio

I will cut to the chase I posted a thread a while back explaining how my husband and I had done some explicit sexual acts and how I regretted it and we wanted to go pesh for it....

Well we went pesh and without describing the actual nature of these two activities to the panj pyare we just told them we had 'committed wrong bodily actions' to which the panj pyare asked was it a bujjar kuret? We said yes. So then we were given our tankhah and 're took Amrit dee daat.'

Ok so now fast forward to present day; I still feel guilty for what I did... my husband tells me that we have been forgiven and I should move on but I just feel so guilty and tainted and ashamed...Being in bana all the time and having committed such acts makes me feel like a fraud. I just don't feel like I deserve this Bana, Sikhi or even my Guru...I just want to start again. I wish we could be remarried and I would never commit such actions...

I will be honest sometimes when we get intimate my husband still tells me how much he would love to carryout those acts but I tell him no. We need to be good. Then there are times when I tease him about wanting to do those actions with him. It is like the mind likes to ponder in this filth but my concious reminds me no we have already been pesh. No more. We have never re committed these acts but it is always there in my mind that I am no longer a 'pure singhni' - I am just a fake. I don't think I can ever bring my pride for being a daufhter of dasam pita again. I just feel so disgusted in myself. I feel I have let everyone, my Guru, Sangat and myself down. People must take 1 look at me and think wow - Khalsa! But they don't know what a disgusting bit3h I really am...I don't think I can ever forgive myself....

From what you are saying. Sounds like you engaged in some kind of webcam illicit actions or maybe swinging. 

Whatever it is. It seems like your husband is the one that is making you think and carry out these acts to satisfy his depraved fantasies and thus dragging you along with him. 

Sex ia often said to be a drug. Where one engages in bigger and bigger more illicit acts to get a high. Ie your always trying yo do more illicit acts to reach the same sexual highs. Similar to a drug user who needs to take more and more stronger drugs to achieve this high. 

 

[Guest GuestSingh]

On 4/21/2019 at 9:50 AM, puzzled said:

How are s3xual acts within marriage a sin!  Im confused! 

her point is about kaam which is a sin...

On 4/21/2019 at 12:27 PM, Redoptics said:

Hmmm you can be as sexual as you like with your husband as long its the two of you

dnt go giving her ideas - she says shes amritdhari so this should be the last thing on her mind, not the first....

On 4/25/2019 at 4:11 PM, T_Singh said:

Hello,

Intimacy between yourself and your partner  is fine so I am not sure why you are feeling guilty.  Please try not to over think.  Your are still a Khalsa you have been pesh and your lekha has been ripped apart by the Punj piaare and that in itself (presenting yourself in front on the punj) is a very noble act.  

 

Try not to over think, try to do some Sangat of gursikhs locally.

Your brother

T Singh 

depends on the level/intensity n amount of intimacy...

On 4/25/2019 at 5:30 PM, Guest Sat said:

Have sex but don't get carried away by lust.

n how do they do that? sex itself can become an addiction as u already knw...so that aint gd advice

its like saying eat food and drink but dnt go to the toilet..so in the same way too much makes us fat or unhealthy, too much sex gets  someone addicted as mentioned above, leaving the mind constantly thinking about it as the op says and looking for the next extreme to get that same satisfaction without it being boring....

[Redoptics 160]

3 hours ago, GuestSingh said:

her point is about kaam which is a sin...

dnt go giving her ideas - she says shes amritdhari so this should be the last thing on her mind, not the first....

depends on the level/intensity n amount of intimacy...

n how do they do that? sex itself can become an addiction as u already knw...so that aint gd advice

its like saying eat food and drink but dnt go to the toilet..so in the same way too much makes us fat or unhealthy, too much sex gets  someone addicted as mentioned above, leaving the mind constantly thinking about it as the op says and looking for the next extreme to get that same satisfaction without it being boring....

I didn't give any idea's.