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Unable to forgive myself


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Guest Guilty and a fake

Gurufateh jio

I will cut to the chase I posted a thread a while back explaining how my husband and I had done some explicit sexual acts and how I regretted it and we wanted to go pesh for it....

Well we went pesh and without describing the actual nature of these two activities to the panj pyare we just told them we had 'committed wrong bodily actions' to which the panj pyare asked was it a bujjar kuret? We said yes. So then we were given our tankhah and 're took Amrit dee daat.'

Ok so now fast forward to present day; I still feel guilty for what I did... my husband tells me that we have been forgiven and I should move on but I just feel so guilty and tainted and ashamed...Being in bana all the time and having committed such acts makes me feel like a fraud. I just don't feel like I deserve this Bana, Sikhi or even my Guru...I just want to start again. I wish we could be remarried and I would never commit such actions...

I will be honest sometimes when we get intimate my husband still tells me how much he would love to carryout those acts but I tell him no. We need to be good. Then there are times when I tease him about wanting to do those actions with him. It is like the mind likes to ponder in this filth but my concious reminds me no we have already been pesh. No more. We have never re committed these acts but it is always there in my mind that I am no longer a 'pure singhni' - I am just a fake. I don't think I can ever bring my pride for being a daufhter of dasam pita again. I just feel so disgusted in myself. I feel I have let everyone, my Guru, Sangat and myself down. People must take 1 look at me and think wow - Khalsa! But they don't know what a disgusting bit3h I really am...I don't think I can ever forgive myself....

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Guest guest

hi

you are displaying symptoms of some kind of obsessive, guilt.  you are completely over reacting.  either you are naive (not trying to be rude) or have some kind of ocd.

its nice you have such high ideals for yourself, but you need to relax.  have some humility, and take it easy on yourself.

i think you may be overly scrupulous.  these guilty thoughts you have don't make you more religious.  if anything they probably distract you from worshipping God.  

sex is private between you and your husband.  its not a sin for ordinary married people (neither of you are saints in that respect- it's fine).  its not a bujjar kureheit.  

don't put yourself down.  you're not a <banned word filter activated> or a fake.  being Khalsa is about doing your best and serving God, not about obsessing about your flaws.

do you and your partner do paath together?  

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Hello,

Intimacy between yourself and your partner  is fine so I am not sure why you are feeling guilty.  Please try not to over think.  Your are still a Khalsa you have been pesh and your lekha has been ripped apart by the Punj piaare and that in itself (presenting yourself in front on the punj) is a very noble act.  

 

Try not to over think, try to do some Sangat of gursikhs locally.

Your brother

T Singh 

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On 4/20/2019 at 2:32 AM, Guest Guilty and a fake said:

Gurufateh jio

I will cut to the chase I posted a thread a while back explaining how my husband and I had done some explicit sexual acts and how I regretted it and we wanted to go pesh for it....

Well we went pesh and without describing the actual nature of these two activities to the panj pyare we just told them we had 'committed wrong bodily actions' to which the panj pyare asked was it a bujjar kuret? We said yes. So then we were given our tankhah and 're took Amrit dee daat.'

Ok so now fast forward to present day; I still feel guilty for what I did... my husband tells me that we have been forgiven and I should move on but I just feel so guilty and tainted and ashamed...Being in bana all the time and having committed such acts makes me feel like a fraud. I just don't feel like I deserve this Bana, Sikhi or even my Guru...I just want to start again. I wish we could be remarried and I would never commit such actions...

I will be honest sometimes when we get intimate my husband still tells me how much he would love to carryout those acts but I tell him no. We need to be good. Then there are times when I tease him about wanting to do those actions with him. It is like the mind likes to ponder in this filth but my concious reminds me no we have already been pesh. No more. We have never re committed these acts but it is always there in my mind that I am no longer a 'pure singhni' - I am just a fake. I don't think I can ever bring my pride for being a daufhter of dasam pita again. I just feel so disgusted in myself. I feel I have let everyone, my Guru, Sangat and myself down. People must take 1 look at me and think wow - Khalsa! But they don't know what a disgusting bit3h I really am...I don't think I can ever forgive myself....

Have sex but don't get carried away by lust. It's a deep dark pit. I myself was ensnared in it for a long time and am only just beggining to pull myself back out of the well I dug for myself. 

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