Would His Family Be Ashamed?

[muttley]

i am expecting a baby to a 36 yr old sikh man in august and he chose to have nothing to to with me when i told him I couldnt go through with a termination

I am a 39yr old white christian woman but have been told that his family would not take the news very well and that his decision to walk away without trace has to to with the fact that his family woul be ashamed. Im left heartbroken as I love this man very much. I respect people of all faiths and find it hard to accept that him dating a white woman is ok, just not having children with her.

anyone any advice? apart from searching the streets of Derby to find him

[Tejvir]

Are we truely sikh or christian?

Do we truely follow our religion and its teachings?

If we did would we really be in such situations....

[Matheen]

Did you ever meet his family before? In my opinion, you could try to speak with his father and explain the situation. You mention he's 36 - is there a chance he could be married?

[Guest nobodyyy]

firstly, congratulations on your pregnancy!!!

hope everything is well with the baby

i am expecting a baby to a 36 yr old sikh man in august and he chose to have nothing to to with me when i told him I couldnt go through with a termination

he wanted you to kill your child?!

his decision to walk away without trace has to to with the fact that his family woul be ashamed.

thats no excuse- it takes two to tango. he made a child, so he should help look after him/her.

he knew from the start his family was going to be ashamed, but he still got into a relationship with u.

find it hard to accept that him dating a white woman is ok, just not having children with her.

me too actually. i think its safe to say he's a pathetic excuse for a man.

anyone any advice? apart from searching the streets of Derby to find him

you dont need him. ur gonna be an amazing mum, and in ten or twenty years time when your child has grown up, you'll be able to see what a brilliant job youve done. dont bother looking for him, he'll go through hell when he finds out the baby has been born. wondering if she/he looks like him, what theyre doing, what their first words were etc.

you've been blessed with a child, look after it, and believe in ur own ability as a parent.

last but not least, have faith in God. everything will work out in the end.

[BiBi G]

Hi, welcome to SikhSangat.

In regards to your post, I just wanted to say please do not worry yourself too much. I appreciate this must be a distressing time for you and one that can never actually be prepared for. I see this sort of thing in my line of work all the time; I believe if men are old enough and "responsible" enough to indulge in the act of making babies they should be man enough to stand up and Father their children!

I have come across quite a few Asian men (not just Sikh) who keep this hidden from their families because of the whole "shame" thing. To an extent I can understand it but that does not mean to say I agree with it; there is a lot of close mindedness in Asian communities but sometimes the men use this as an excuse to avoid doing the responsible thing altogether!

I understand this is difficult for you, and I wish you all the very best with your pregnancy, I am sure you will be a terriffic mum, and instead of dwelling on the Father or expecting anything from him, you should believe that you can step up to the mark and be both the mother and father figure for your beautiful child!!

[xkaurx]

hold on a second if this guys 36yrs old why should he be worried about bringing shame on his family hes a grown man! he should have thought about the consequences beforehand, you dont need a guy like that in your life you deserve much better, someone who'l stick by you no matter what not just some coward whos too worried about what his family and societies gona think. you just think about yourself and your baby forget him!

[sherlsurj]

teh guy shud be ashamed of himself. termination isnt even worth me talking about its that bad. some men make me sick how teh hell can they treat sum1 like that!<banned word filter activated>. teh main thing is u and the baby congrats on teh pregnancy hope all goes well 4 u

[muttley]

thankyou all so much for all your messages of support, I am already raising two fantastic girls (10 and 17) up on my own , one is at college doing a public services course so she can be a policewoman.

I know I made the right choice in choosing to keep the baby and lose him in the process.

I did try and find him on a Derby site but didnt realise that my mobile number had shown on the advert.

Unfortunately the only reply I got was in the form of 100s of texts from someone that said they would tell me where he lived if I "SLEPT" with him. After weeks of nasty texts I finally contacted the police as I was under so much stress from this stupid man and finally the texts have stopped.

He did text me today with my babys fathers address but I dnt think I will contact him or his family. He made the choice to walk away and as some of you have said, he will spend the rest of his life wondering. I go for my scan on thursday and am so looking forward to seeing if I can see what sex my baby is

Im holding my head high no matter what and I look forward to my beautiful baby

thankyou everyone, I will keep coming on here now I know that you all have nothing but good advice and support for me

x claire

Did you ever meet his family before? In my opinion, you could try to speak with his father and explain the situation. You mention he's 36 - is there a chance he could be married?

no he wasnt married, he travelled for an hour to get to see me at least 4 times a week. His excuse was that he just never wanted children and that he wouldnt be able to see me again if I decided to keep it

[Mehtab Singh]

I am already raising two fantastic girls (10 and 17) up on my own , one is at college doing a public services course so she can be a policewoman.

Good luck to her. Now she knows who to catch once she is a cop. Mr. Irresponsible!

[buddasingh]

He may not have wanted children but now he has responsibility toward one. As you're aware along with a child come financial undertakings. For the sake of the child, see that you get some advice regarding child support? Did you intend to do this? If so, it is rather inevitable that he will be found. He may not want to come forward for his obligations as a man, but he might as well come forward and be reasonable about his legal obligations.

Ashamed!!? Tell him that shame is what one might avoid if he trips on his shoelaces. He can consider any shame here after he fulfills his responsibilities. Men in general need to be whipped out of their idiotic fantasy worlds as to responsibility in these kind of situations. His childlike behavior is a product of a sexist world supporting sexist institutions that are in the dark ages.

As I said above, a large part of the problem is the culture of men. Other cultural considerations that may be relevant are "punjabi". Sikhs are a faith group, although majority punjabi, of many ethnicities. His description is not indicative of any sikh values.

Your optimism is what you need. Wish you the best of luck.