Brown Nosers

[dalsingh101]

Encouraging her to stay in the kitchen and cook won't help anyone.

:ph34r:

Let's hope he's more creative with ideas of how to keep her busy than you!

All I know is that a bunch of women with these sorts of issues = big headache that can get majorly b1tchy REAL QUICK. Sometimes when you see older bibis going down this route you can't help but think:

'Are you retarded women? At your age your doing this!'

Some of them had it hard with their in laws when they were younger but instead of saying 'That was messed up, I'm not going to be like that when a daughter-in-law comes in my house.' They actually love the power and repeat the cycle like dimbos - and no words you can say will stop them either.....

[VanHelsingh]

Let's not allow the bhabhiya to get off scot-free. Some are a lot more devious than you give them credit. I agree with you about MILs needing to have a look at themselves, but I find bhabhiya from back home certainly have a lot of....shall we say 'ideas' on how they conduct themselves, and how to get certain things done once they've got both feet comfortably into their matrimonial bed.

But yes, no-one comes out of this situation smelling of roses. I just wouldn't go as far as to paint the elder females as the villains every single time. It takes a strong male who is capable of telling right from wrong to eliminate these issues. If the wife is in the right, then he needs to have words with his mother. If the wife is taking the <edited> and playing games, one would hope the lad isn't scared of his missus and is capable of sorting her out too (without resorting to violence or any heavy-handed tactics).

It's a very delicate situation, and one issue no guy should have to resolve if both sides had a brain cell between them.

[dalsingh101]

If a man is a man and not a giddarh pajama he will pull up whoever is at fault. But you know with this Queen Bee crap, it's easier said than done. Pulling up your own buddheree can be problematic, even when she is in the wrong. Plus with bibis you're going to get the high drama one way or another. Pure headache.

I pity the bloke who gets stuck in the middle of this kind of stuff...... lol

OP, keep your head up! They go through these things and then next minute they are best pals. As you saw with your pubbi.

I tell you, somewhere a long time ago, some seriously dysfunctional dynamics became normalised in the sus-nau relationships of Panjabis.

Personally I think one way in which arranged marriages need to be adapted is to not just look at the boy and his degree and job etc. have a good look at his mum. If she is a hardened witch, you just know she is going to give your daughter problems. Vice versa too, if the girl is a bit on the chalaak side - patakay are going to go off sooner or later. Especially these days. Even with girls from back home who used to be considered more 'placid' once upon a time. No any more they're not.

[gurdssingh]

Someone suggested dont talk to your mum or bhabi about the issue. What, its not like never acknowledge the issue or talk about it and it will go away. You want to build a relationship in which your wife is a valued member whos feelings and thoughts count within your family.

Trust me the people who dont talk and clear the air or issues end up resenting each other.

Dont know your family dynamics, but in mine everyone speaks there mind and we all get on and love each other. when people dont talk and let there feelings known,(sorry it sounds nasty, but i feel it needs to be said), small petty issues such as yours where oh bhabi helps mum more and my missus feels left out, become issues where instead of talking to your own family you ask strangers on a forum. Come on geezer man up and sort it out there is not even an issue your making a mountain out of a mole hill. Also maybe just maybe is your wife absolutly blameless, did she bring this to your attention or did you just notice it and not even ask your wife. and have you never noticed your bhabi doing stuff for your mum before?

Also if shes not at fault she should not suck up and make your mum and bhabi feel important, just to fit in. She should stand her ground and ask to be treated fairly. Easirr said than done but i cant get my head around why things like this happen. Btw i am married so do know about these issues. My mum , bhabi, my sisters and wife in there relationship they are all like best mates.

[VanHelsingh]

Best solution is for the guy to cut the apron strings himself, and move into his own house (with his wife) if possible. I don't like saying it because you get the usual finger-pointing from the sass, accusing the DIL of taking her son away from her, lol.

But I find nowadays (in most cases I'm aware of) the parents of the boy insist that their son and DIL immediately move into their own home after marriage, to prevent any of the carry-on that we've all heard about. In some cases, this actually strengthens the bond between new DIL and her in-laws as she's not constantly under their feet, and as such both sides are actually glad to see each other on the occasions they meet up.

In the case of the OP, having a second DIL in the equation (usually the wife of the eldest son) is a recipe for disaster. Very, very rarely does everyone live harmoniously under one roof when there's so much Panjabi oestrogen wafting around, especially if the husbands are chamche or wimps.

[gurdssingh]

Kaljugi makes a good point about having your own house. I mean i have my own and so do all my siblings, it dont mean we love our parents less as we seem them all the time. But it gives you your own space and if you have a brother when everyone has kids you need seperate rooms, as you know what kids arelike. So unless you live in a mansion and can split the various wings between yourselves its best to have your own house.

[dalsingh101]

Have you guys ever seen that one where the mother goes nuts and blames the nau for turning her son against her because she wants to live separate with her husband.

[Sikhistan]

Please do NOT, talk to your Mum, Bhabhi, or Brother about this.

All this will do is give them a reason to think that your wife is turning you against them.

Above is very important..

Also, do not listen to your wife, as it will create more trouble and gives you more negative energy in your life. This is common in every household. Just tell your wife to have patience and sahen di shakti. Living together with big family is nice but eventually sooner or later you guys have to live separately. Don't make any haste decision but do keep in mind that in future (3 to 5 years) you may have to go and buy the first home.

As said by other members, keep your wife busy. You should try not to ignore her when you are at home. Ignore negative thoughts/whining and whenever your sister-in-law or your mom complains, always take your wife side. If you wife talks negative, don't agree with her or encourage her to do gossips but advise her to have patience. Also you guys are married, go and visit places every weekend and have fun ! (btw, that will make your phabi more madder than hell lol but that is not my point)

[VanHelsingh]

Have you guys ever seen that one where the mother goes nuts and blames the nau for turning her son against her because she wants to live separate with her husband.

Yeah, even though it's probably the son who is dying to get away from his mother...:lol:

[dalsingh101]

Yeah, even though it's probably the son who is dying to get away from his mother...:lol:

The worse cases are frequently one off sons, who are abnormally tied to apron strings and incapable of seeing their mommas doing ANYTHING wrong, even when she throws her weight around on her DIL worse than cinderella and her step sisters. lol

That being said it doesn't take much to tip Panjabaans into mental territory as far as other females are concerned. I notice Pak Panjabis don't seem to have these issues like us either. We've got that 'can't do no wrong princess' mentality abound, that they don't I reckon?