Brown Nosers

[Kharkooartsy]

Trust me the people who dont talk and clear the air or issues end up resenting each other.

Dont know your family dynamics, but in mine everyone speaks there mind and we all get on and love each other. when people dont talk and let there feelings known,(sorry it sounds nasty, but i feel it needs to be said), small petty issues such as yours where oh bhabi helps mum more and my missus feels left out

totally agree with you

[Guest hmm]

IMO, as a married woman who lives with her in-laws, things like this can turn into huge feelings of frustration, guilt, inadequacy, pressure and stress. Now we all know there are bigger things to worry about but when you have to move into another family, after having lived with your own for 20+ years, for example, it is so so hard.

I too faced similar things, on the 1st morning of our married life my MIL sat me down and said "this house is yours now, you sambhaal it how you want to. I have done my best all these years, if you don't like it then you can sort it out, the whole zumevaari is yours". I was like wowwwww hold your horses a minute, but I didn't express this. So off I went and decided to re-decorate mine and my husband's bedroom, you know just to make it a bit more 'ours' but UH-OH now it was the FIL's turn, "you can't change that, I have spent so much money on this, this cost X amount, that's all going to waste".

As humans, we cannot get rid of this "mine mine mine me me me". Whilst we all strive to make our surroundings as comfortable, stress free and relaxing as possible because as they say home is where the heart is, your home is meant to be like a haven where you can express your personality in your surroundings and create a calm environment where you can unwind and just 'live'. Anyway I soon realized that my MIL wasn't going to bowl over so easily to the things she had said to me on the 1st day.

She had never experienced living with her own MIL as her MIL lived in India and therefore everything she had done at home was in accordance to her own will and having me move in was almost like competition, somebody younger, somebody with fresh ideas, somebody with a way of doing things slightly differently. My FIL is the exact same, nobody in their lives have ever told him how to do things or what to do, he said it plainly one day that I don't take no instruction from no one, I do things my own way...so clearly not ready to compromise.

I think the problem lies within parents who are not willing to recognise "children" as adults. They presume that we will bow down to their every command as we did when we were kids, they don't realize that we need to 'live' as well, experience things for ourselves and build our lives together based on foundations that we lay together as husband and wife. It is so important for newly weds to feel comfortable, relaxed and happy in their new home environment, because let's face it, it's new for everyone.

Anyway, what I am trying to say is, tell your wife to just be herself. There is nothing more and nothing less she can do. Life is too short, just do what you need to/want to and be happy. As long as there is a strong union between you two your Mom and family will realize that your wife is here to stay and she has just as much a right and duty in your household. I've stood strong on my own beliefs, there have been tears and tantrums along the way but my husband and I are still going strong and my MIL has backed off. She has no expectations* anymore, and I'm happy about that because as soon as a son is born, the mom is thinking "ohh meri nau au gi, she will be like this and this...." and it's these expectations that make us fall in their eyes in the 1st place.

* what I mean here is that I am still kind, respectful to them, do the chores, cooking (which they don't seem to like!) but I'm not a typical Punjaban nau who wears make-up 24/7 with heavy embroidered suits who bows down to every whim and cannot look anyone in the eye because the way I have been brought up is as a Sikh woman, who wears a dastaar, can stand on her own two feet and does not need to rely on anyone or anyone else's opinion of her to get on in life and who does not feel the need to hear her praises being sung by her sass to feel that she has amounted to something in life because I know I am worth it myself and thus I don't need to hear it from anyone (apart from hubby of course ).

[VanHelsingh]

^^^ Great post. We need more level-headed women like these in our faith, who don't resort to unseemly jaloos when things don't go their way immediately. Kudos to you sister for taking the higher moral ground.

[Guest Guest]

Here are some words of wisdom for all.

"While in Rome, do as Romans do."

You people talk like Americans, British & Canadians but when it comes to acting like one, u become DESI !

Young Americans, British and Canadians move out of their homes and have a life of their own.

First they become financially independent, next they find a mate and when ready for marriage, they convey the news to parents.

Now as you are nothing like them so lets face the Reality which is -

1. One who owns the house or the one who has money call's the shot's in the family i.e Mom & Dad.

2. Arranged Marriages are those where parents are the decision makers, you wouldn't be married if it was not for them so why pretend.

3. The daughter-in-law in the above scenario has to be subservient and submissive if she wants to settle down or remain married. There is no other way.

4. 99 % guys who have Arranged Marriages and continue to live with parents will leave their wives but not home, in case of a marital or family dispute (nobody's a fool).

5. Joint families system only works to an Extent. Are your Uncles (Taya or Chacha)and their families living with you ? Do you see your Grand dad's siblings and their family staying with you ?

Thing is, they too moved at some point in their lives.

Hope this post has increased your level of knowledge.

[S1ngh]

^^ all cultures got good and bad points.. you cannot justify that it is good to liveoff from parents, choose your own parnter and then convey news to parents?

You missed the point where these same ppl date few times and enter into pre-martial relationship which is certainly not allowed in sikhi. Look at the ratio of divorce and seperation figures in such community. Respecting parents should beour top priorty, remember how guru nanak dev ji respected his father.. we keep our family and take care of each other thru our life. If we go thru some trouble it is our family who help us fast while sadly nobody comes for other ppl and they end up being homeless.

There are pros and cons in everything we do.. it depends on our patience and that comes with the amount of gurbani and naam simran we nap in our life..