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Dont Want To Live


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sometimes i think people that die quicker are lucky. must be better than suffering for long time. before i used to pray to god to make me better, nowadays i pray for them to take me. 6 mths still confined to the bed, struggling to breathe everyday. go hospital, they send me home. dont even know if am alive anymore. in pain all day. crying makes it worse. wouldnt mind just lying in bed, even the not being able to walk does not bother me. when the breathing goes and the unconsciousness, then its like this it, its the last breath. but god won't take me, numerous begged to take me, they won't.

sometimes lie here thinkin if try to sleep for bit and when i open my eyes i will be normal. but that never happens. when the brain allows try to say gods name, everyday remember god asking for forgiveness of past n present karm.

cant find a mahapursh that will do home visit. probably not enough karm like other people seem to come across them.

watch sikh channel or sangat tv, but mostly on mobile. watch the world go by from my window when strength to stand up.

lots of sikhs go by, and i look at them wishing one was a Sant and will come and knock on our door to help me, but nobody does.

at times cry so much just to make myself die, so many times wanted to take the tablets, and many times picked up the knife to end it all, but stop as the only thing stop me is suicide is wrong, so i should bhog my karm, then think what if, just what if i get better, even though i know its not to happen. always talk to myself now, and god too but they went long time ago, no response no more. dont know wat normal is anymore, my life is lying down all day. will it ever end? when will i go and be free of dukh? all honsla n prayer has been exhausted, can't do no more. when will i end? am i still here? dnt even know if i am alive anymore, everyday same eyes open cant get up, sikhsangat, Facebook, YouTube, cyber hukamnama, pray that's it but only when the brain allows. tried to move feet today and lift arms to get the muscles working, too hard, struggled for breath. thank god for touch type phones hey, even this is when the hands will move.

sorry all, last benti any Sant want to come to visit is welcome, only genuine ones. at last had shower today after six days, at least if i go today will be clean.

thankuji sangat Waheguru

Oh didi, I read post somewhere that you weren't feeling good, but I didn't know that it is this bad. Didi all I can say is what ever sukh aur dukh we have in lives is all part of gods hukam and our previous karams. Didi you must pray pray pray, even if you don't feel like it. If the mind wanders, nevermind bring it back to focus. Listen to kirtan. Didi I'm currently in india I've never conducted a prayer for anyone in my life apart from my Mamaji who was a cancer patient last year. By Maharaj'jis kirpa he is well on the road to recovery. For the remaining days I have left I will think about you. God has been kind to me for the last 4 months or so, I'm sure that my prayers wont go waste. Didi take care xx

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Bhenji, I think you need to look at this in a different way. You see the rest of the world from your window, phone, internet going about their lives freely. Where you feel trapped and confined to a bed. You can blame your misfortunes on karm and think about what you did to deserve your current predicament. Think about death as the sweet escape and how bad you have it. But what if the people around you were just as trapped as you are? What if their karm have also landed them in a similar predicament as you are currently. Would you advise them in the same manner as you are advising your mind right now?

Ever heard of the term sweet jail (mitti jail) come from the mouth of a Punjabi who came from india to a western country? In the same manner the people outside your window are trapped and they don't know it. They go about their life as they are not caged in a limited place. A prisoner feels trapped because he can see the four walls that are holding him in. But the people in the world are completely unaware of the walls that are holding them in. This is where you know more than them. You have recognized that you are trapped not only in your body due to health reasons, but because the atma is trapped in the body. The blinds have been lifted from your eyes and you can see much clearer now. You know that peace can't be achieved through just good health and material things. If it could then peace could be bought. On the opposite side is death. Many have tried as well to attain peace in this manner, but the pain has increased and never decreased.

Your mind is active and still able to comprehend what is going on. The beauty of Sikhi is you don't need to go anywhere or see something in the world to attain peace. Satguru Sri Guru Teg Bahudar Sahib ji was physically trapped in a cage, but he was still free from dukh. Satguru Sri Guru Arjun Dev Ji was physically trapped on a hot plate and he was still free from dukh.

You are not lacking in anything. Make the mind that has trapped others in the world prison as the tool to carve out the peace you are seeking. No hand movement, no walking around, no physical activity is needed to do this. Just listen to the one that powers everyone in this world. Whatever Shabad of Gurbani or paat you have. Play it on your phone and just listen. You don't have to do no more than listen to the shabad. Once you start listening, then the next steps which just require the mind will start automatically falling into place. Let go and let Satguru completely take over. No if and, and buts. Completely surrender the mind to the Shabad and listen.

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thankuji all, wish not posted now, took turn for worse since, emergency wouldn't take me today.

please why i got worse, i thought ardas of others was good,i do appreciate it, but why i got worse i dont know. can't keep awake. family member also ill now.

bye delete please all

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