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Destroyed In Marriage

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Hi all,

Sorry for long post, all Information is necessary to understand the situation.

I got engaged to a girl in India in March 2015. I felt she didn’t want to talk to me when I called her, when I talk to my parents, they said the marriage broker(aka “vichola” who was also the girl`s nana) told you and us that girl is very nice, cultured and shy, that’s why she doesn’t talk. Everytime I called her, I asked everything, she never ask me anything and only answered in yes, no, um….I again talk to my parents but they scold me, I didn’t say anything again.

We all went to India and I got married in December 2015, we got home from the marriage at 8:30 pm. First thing girl says when I walk inside room, “I got married against my will”. Next morning, she says “If you touch me, I will commit suicide”. Third day, she points at the newspaper article as if to show me “Girl killed by in-laws over dowry”. We didn’t even ask or take a single item from the girl`s family. I didn’t say anything to parents for they didn’t listen to me earlier and I wanted to kill myself, but couldn’t out of love for my parents. I would also take my food where I was alone and chuck it to the street dogs or in the bin, only having 3 roti each day. In three days, my life was destroyed. I prayed to him, who knows everything and asked for his help.

We went to girl`s house and lived there for a week, girl slept with her mom all days and we slept on the floor, while her family sleep on beds. I talk to her parents about her behaviour and her dad says “Do not tell your parents, we will talk to her”. When we come back to our house, girl says “If you tell anyone about all this, the consequences will be very bad for you and your family”. I was completely destroyed and prayed to god to save us all from this mess.

Her file was sent to immigration with the wrong draft, my dad had the correct draft amount but no one listened to him. Since we were to move back to our country, we had given address of girl on visa application. The file got rejected and vichola said can you give correct amount and post the file. He sent the file to us and sorry for language, that fkin took the draft money my dad paid for the application. I told my dad to not send the file until I say. He said why, but I didn’t say anything.

We came back and I told my parents everything, blaming them both for what happened. I said you didn’t listen to me and put me in this mess, maybe if you listened to me, instead of arguing and scolding, I might have told you earlier. However, god saved us all and I hope I can become a better person and a better sikh.

I suffered for 5 weeks, not able to say anything and fearing for my family`s safety. That vichola fker didn’t tell us:

- Girl had epilepsy and she becomes unconscious

- She was taking medicines, which I saw in her purse

- He propose this alliance so she could get a visa, fk those filthy pigs vichola, girl and her family. I hope they don’t even get a place in hell.

- That she was married against her will.

When we go back to our country, vichole also came because his son lived here and both father/son proposed this alliance. He came to our house and said “If you don’t bring the girl here, then the girl and her family can do anything in India”. Fkin threaten us, we told our lawyer who handled everything.

After what happened, I think staying alone and not getting married is the best option. I cannot trust any person, let alone another girl. It will be too much if I have to go through this again, I might not survive the second time. However, I cannot forget how our master protected me and stopping me from harming myself. I am now much better than before and am happy, having regained the weight that I lost while in India (more than 5kg) and stopped taking anxiety tablet doctor prescribed me.

People say foreigners get married in India and leave the girls, what about people like us???

Please post this on other forums so any brother/ sister going to India to get married knows of the dangers.

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Sorry to hear what you went through, it is difficult to trust anybody nowadays for marriage.

Are you India born, or came abroad when you were younger or are you born abroad?

It was the vicholas fault for not being honest about the girls health condition. They should have told your family about it. And you should have done your research properly before marrying. The signs were there, when you used to talk on phone.

5weeks isn't really that long, compared to what others go through, but with Gods grace you were made aware of the situation and were able to come out of it.

There are many people still stuck in situations like this as there surface after into the marriage.

India rishta proposals cannot be trusted, without either knowing the person very well or doing lots of research. It's the visa game obviously and people know how to play it well. The girl was right to tell you everything, otherwise she would have carried on and hid it just to leave you when she gets across to the country you live in. It must have been difficult for her too, that she was maybe worried who would marry her with a health condition, but her soul knew it's not right and unfortunately told you after the marriage. But still, if nothing progressed, then there you should not worry as much as it will be more harder for her to get married now than you.

It doesn't matter if she had medicines in her purse. Who doesn't take medicine for something or other? What matters is there was no honesty in information being disclosed.

The threat was not wise of them, what can they do when u are abroad? Not much, just don't go to India, and take the lawyers advice.

You should now think of your future, you are out of it. And as your ardas to Waheguru saved you, maybe you should look towards Gurbani and change your lifestyle a bit. Consider also seeing a counsellor and don't sit at home thinking about it, move on from this now.

You are one of the lucky ones that got out, and your post may help others too.

"People say foreigners get married in India and leave the girls, what about people like us???"

That's rubbish, it's the other way round, people from India know how to play with abroad people's mind and take them for a ride, whether it's money related or to get into the country, they will go to many extremes, lieing is a norm for them. They think it's only the "bad" ones or without good qualities that marry somebody from India, but the case is many just don't want to adjust to abroad life and bring the negative India lifestyle over, which is not a right attitude.

The thing is people don't respect abroad countries nomore and think it's easy to get over by making fools of people as long as they get their stay, they don't care about people here.

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Before I give an answer I would like to ask a question. This arranged marriage sounds like this was not with your approval and that it was forced from your collective family. Is that correct?

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Guest Jacfsing2

She's clearly using you, did any of you 2 meet before the marriage or actually talk?

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Sikh guys are cucked by their parents, a hypocritical and degenerate Punjabi culture, then by a distorted and increasingly weak western society, and then they get married, lol. Just cut your balls off when you emerge from the womb, and make everyone happy, lol.

OP: Learn your lesson from this and grow.

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Guest XYZ

Lets forget and forgive what has happened. It will take you few years here and there to get back on you feet and perhaps Guru Jee will bring a better bride for you. Hope it be local. Marriages fall even after 10 years 20 years and even beyond. We do not have control over our life as we do not know what death will come and take us. Everything has an ending. If you decide to take time to yourself for breathing room so it shall be. That means stay away from your parents your family then just do as Guru Jee tells you. You will find a great person in life. I give you my example totally different than and may similar in some ways. It was a arranged marriage and I was raised in the west. Then there is the Generation Gap. I grew up where I was the only person with a distar and then there were few other Punjabis. Goreh children respected me than compared to apnas so I because 100% western within Sikhi. I was married for 17 years. I felt not wanted I felt not loved so I left my family including the children. The entire Surrey BC was against me. That is because of what I did was wrong. The children were brain washed so they don't speak to me. I live alone in a place where there is no one but a running creek around me. I have living with me not exactly what I want but close. I have a room with Guru Granth Sahib Jee's volumes so I do paath and I have a Tabla and a Vaja whatever my mind wishes example to do Asa Kee War on the Tabla or on the Vaja. I am not alone I don't got out except for work. I don't go to the Gurdwara because too many people know me. Sometimes I can feel alone but I do my best to go to the Baba's Jee's room and wish for a Full Seva to Guru Granth Sahib Jee.

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Lets forget and forgive what has happened. It will take you few years here and there to get back on you feet and perhaps Guru Jee will bring a better bride for you. Hope it be local. Marriages fall even after 10 years 20 years and even beyond. We do not have control over our life as we do not know what death will come and take us. Everything has an ending. If you decide to take time to yourself for breathing room so it shall be. That means stay away from your parents your family then just do as Guru Jee tells you. You will find a great person in life. I give you my example totally different than and may similar in some ways. It was a arranged marriage and I was raised in the west. Then there is the Generation Gap. I grew up where I was the only person with a distar and then there were few other Punjabis. Goreh children respected me than compared to apnas so I because 100% western within Sikhi. I was married for 17 years. I felt not wanted I felt not loved so I left my family including the children. The entire Surrey BC was against me. That is because of what I did was wrong. The children were brain washed so they don't speak to me. I live alone in a place where there is no one but a running creek around me. I have living with me not exactly what I want but close. I have a room with Guru Granth Sahib Jee's volumes so I do paath and I have a Tabla and a Vaja whatever my mind wishes example to do Asa Kee War on the Tabla or on the Vaja. I am not alone I don't got out except for work. I don't go to the Gurdwara because too many people know me. Sometimes I can feel alone but I do my best to go to the Baba's Jee's room and wish for a Full Seva to Guru Granth Sahib Jee.

Xyz Paji, sorry to hear about your life experiences. I am not in a position to give you any advise as only you know what you went through or are still now. It's not wise of me to comment on your life, but it is sad to hear that you feel alone, and I will say only one thing, Hukam, which you already know Ji.

But why should you be deprived of going to the Gurdwara and sitting with Sangat. If your soul wishes to go, then I say go. Don't let anybody or anything stop you. People will only stare or talk, but how long for? They'll eventually get bored, or they may not even notice you.

Bhul chuk maf karna Je Kuch galat keha hove Ji.

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Guest singh8324

Before I give an answer I would like to ask a question. This arranged marriage sounds like this was not with your approval and that it was forced from your collective family. Is that correct?

She's clearly using you, did any of you 2 meet before the marriage or actually talk?

I wasnt forced in any way, just felt that she didnt want to be in a relationship with me because I always ask the questions, she never ask me about myself, my life, my day, my interests, she only used um..., no...yes... to answer me. We never met, only talk on phone. We met in India once, 2nd time we met when we got married. Something didnt fell right when we talked and I wish I stuck to my point. Oh well, noone can "force" me to get married or follow their advice again, any marriage decision solely rests with me and atm, it is you cannot trust anyone.

Vichola say write on visa form our relationship is stable and sponsor the girl and vichola (also girl`s nana) say she will live with them at their house, not us and they will leave us (You can guess why they want me to sponsor her). I said na, then he threaten us, as I wrote above.

I might aswell find a western girl, even though Im pure veg....... dont drink, eat meat, smoke, no trimming, cutting or shaving hair and she most likely will be doing most/ all these things.

Parents are wise and you should listen to them, but they are not always correct and if you fell uneasy about a relationship, then dont go ahead.

Lets forget and forgive what has happened. It will take you few years here and there to get back on you feet and perhaps Guru Jee will bring a better bride for you. Hope it be local. Marriages fall even after 10 years 20 years and even beyond. We do not have control over our life as we do not know what death will come and take us. Everything has an ending. If you decide to take time to yourself for breathing room so it shall be. That means stay away from your parents your family then just do as Guru Jee tells you. You will find a great person in life. I give you my example totally different than and may similar in some ways. It was a arranged marriage and I was raised in the west. Then there is the Generation Gap. I grew up where I was the only person with a distar and then there were few other Punjabis. Goreh children respected me than compared to apnas so I because 100% western within Sikhi. I was married for 17 years. I felt not wanted I felt not loved so I left my family including the children. The entire Surrey BC was against me. That is because of what I did was wrong. The children were brain washed so they don't speak to me. I live alone in a place where there is no one but a running creek around me. I have living with me not exactly what I want but close. I have a room with Guru Granth Sahib Jee's volumes so I do paath and I have a Tabla and a Vaja whatever my mind wishes example to do Asa Kee War on the Tabla or on the Vaja. I am not alone I don't got out except for work. I don't go to the Gurdwara because too many people know me. Sometimes I can feel alone but I do my best to go to the Baba's Jee's room and wish for a Full Seva to Guru Granth Sahib Jee.

Very sorry to hear what happened. Sad to see you cannot trust anyone in today`s age and kalyug will only get worse in the future. Only a being with a big heart can forgive, our master has a big heart, he forgives. I cannot say the same for myself. I hope they and others like them who decieve, rot in hell forever. You dont need anyone`s permission to go to gurdwara, I say go. People think they are the perfect creation of god, who are better than everyone. Dont worry about what people will say, at the end, we all answer to "him" and we need to worry about him, not people.

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I wasnt forced in any way, just felt that she didnt want to be in a relationship with me because I always ask the questions, she never ask me about myself, my life, my day, my interests, she only used um..., no...yes... to answer me. We never met, only talk on phone. We met in India once, 2nd time we met when we got married. Something didnt fell right when we talked and I wish I stuck to my point. Oh well, noone can "force" me to get married or follow their advice again, any marriage decision solely rests with me and atm, it is you cannot trust anyone.

Vichola say write on visa form our relationship is stable and sponsor the girl and vichola (also girl`s nana) say she will live with them at their house, not us and they will leave us (You can guess why they want me to sponsor her). I said na, then he threaten us, as I wrote above.

I might aswell find a western girl, even though Im pure veg....... dont drink, eat meat, smoke, no trimming, cutting or shaving hair and she most likely will be doing most/ all these things.

Parents are wise and you should listen to them, but they are not always correct and if you fell uneasy about a relationship, then dont go ahead.

Very sorry to hear what happened. Sad to see you cannot trust anyone in today`s age and kalyug will only get worse in the future. Only a being with a big heart can forgive, our master has a big heart, he forgives. I cannot say the same for myself. I hope they and others like them who decieve, rot in hell forever. You dont need anyone`s permission to go to gurdwara, I say go. People think they are the perfect creation of god, who are better than everyone. Dont worry about what people will say, at the end, we all answer to "him" and we need to worry about him, not people.

You marry a western girl and you will hate this decision for the rest of your life. Western bibian are like a mirage. Once the true inside desires morals ethics come out. It's a girl into all of the night life things but wears a dastar. It's very rare to find a bibian who will not be like this. Considering your current mental state. These are the type of bibian which will be sticking to you like flies. They are looking for that one guy they can put a leash on and drag them around as they wish. Then their is the india side which you have been introduced too.

I believe your parents did not do a proper background check on the girl they set you up with. It's like the stain on a white shirt. It makes the whole shirt look dirty. Many guys have had success with girls in india. Some got married over in india and some got lucky and found a girl who spent most of her life in india but moved to the west after she was strong in her values and ethics. You sound like a nice guy and that's the type of girl you need. If you get one that is all about what others think of me....you will not last and if you do. It will be a depressed life for you. Don't set your mind on eastern or western girl. Set what values are most portal to you and go from there. If you are young, most likely looks is one of the top 5 values. But with time this actually becomes the least important. The one value any man or woman want in their partner is strong respectful grounded values. No matter how much society changes, your partner respects the family position and lead by example to stick with the set family values. Girls who were not given boundaries should be avoided. They flip and flop and don't care about self respect. This is not a competition to sound politically correct but making an assessment of the current wrongs in our community and finding a partner who has not given into these wrongs. Last don't fall for the....i made mistakes in the past bit......Singhs In the past married girl who were forced into prostitution. The girls had no choice. Today these girls have a choice and they chose to commit wrongful acts. Don't believe them for a second. Send me an pm if you want to hear more about these girls. Guru Sahib blessed us with Sri Charitorpakhyan. Those stories are alive in the punjabi community.

I know my post sounds negative. The punjabi community is in real big trouble. Innocent people like you become victims. Some parents know what their girl has done but they will lie about her behavior just so she will be off their backs. Such girls are truly a debt on the parents shoulders. They will do the most unmentionable things in the world and then tie a dastar in the morning to put up the mirage.

Play the game to find out about how a girl is. Again pm and I will explain what I mean. There is so much to write on this topic. But I will stop here.

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Guest Lekha jokha

Reminds me of a story mom used to tell me 1000 sof years back,

There was an old pandit, very wise and silent nature but her wife was very very rude, who used to scold the pandit about 20 hrs a day, she always saying bad words to her husband,

One day a man asked, why dont u just give her a good hit on the nose, look she saying bad stuff to u.

Pandit replied, its lekha jokha from past life

I was a crow last life nd she was a poor cow, she has some injury on the backbone, i used to eat flesh from her injury everyday and gave her too much pain

She started to become weak due to injury pain given by me

One she she went away and i was very angry and hungry, after searching about whole day i finally found her and i hit her backbone with my chunjj so deep that it got stucked there, i was trying to move but she, in pain, fell into the river, we both died there

So this life she is taking the pain from me,

Meaning of story is that brother u dnt should blame anyone vichola or anyone, it was pending for ur life, it had to be in the same was it happened,

So just do ardass and move forward

We are here on earth just to finish the pending lekha jokha of past life, when its all done we will merje with god

Thanks

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Guest Singh

One has to be very careful marrying someone when immigration is involved. My cousin went through a similar situation as you. He married a girl who's Nana was the Vichola and a giani at a gurdwara. As the Nana was a giani my cousin trusted him and thought the girl would be of good nature as she as Japji Sahib memorized...did path etc. The wedding fell apart a few days later when the girl was busted making calls to her boyfriend. It was later determined that the boyfriend was actually at the wedding. My cousin wanted a divorce but they wouldn't agree. After six months of being in limbo they said the only way to get the divorce was to pay the girls family $15k Canadian. Anyways long story short...he went through a very tough time but a few years later married another girl and are happy now so keep your head up.

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Look on the bright side you & your family could use a house maid.

Sponsor her and she would do all the washing, ironing, cleaning & cooking in return for food n lodging.

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Look on the bright side you & your family could use a house maid.

Sponsor her and she would do all the washing, ironing, cleaning & cooking in return for food n lodging.

No she wouldn't, she'd probably run off. And that wasn't a wise reply Paji, but a sexist one.

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No she wouldn't, she'd probably run off. And that wasn't a wise reply Paji, but a sexist one.

If she is not going to be a housewife then why did guys parents fix this marriage ?

There is no mention of dowry so what clinched the deal ?

Once married efforts must be made to stay married, what is wrong with a bit of spin doctoring ?

Am not sexist just stating the facts, guys who migrate n become Ghar Jamai's are also treated as house servants, please check :-)

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