Punjabi men and mental health

[puzzled]

https://melmagazine.com/en-us/story/punjabi-men-are-struggling-with-mental-health-because-they-lack-the-words-to-describe-it

 

 

 

[Guest PuzzledSingh]

10 minutes ago, puzzled said:

https://melmagazine.com/en-us/story/punjabi-men-are-struggling-with-mental-health-because-they-lack-the-words-to-describe-it

 

 

 

Excatly just like me as i have had to suffer many years sliently as i was afraid of being labled mad.

[puzzled]

On one hand a man is supposed to be a man, meaning show no signs of weakness, express emotions, admit defeat, ask for help, and on the other hand its a fact that ethnic men(black/asian) in the UK are far more less likely to approach a doctor for help with mental health. 

Do you think this problem stems back to how boys are raised? Boys are often told that "big boys don't cry" "stop crying like a girl" etc from a very young age, you often see when little boys get upset, they pull that sad face, get teary eyes but don't let it out. I think males are denied expressing emotions from a very young age. This continues through your teen age years and into your adulthood. When men get upset many will raise their voices, shout, break things and vent their emotions out through anger. I think this is a result of not knowing how else to express their emotions because its denied from a very young age. 

When you come from a cultural background the pressure increases even more. Men are not supposed to show any signs of weakness or defeat, its something that you learn from a very young age. I think parents also expect their sons to be perfect, no flaws. Many men probably find it hard to admit it to themselves that they have issues because they are expected to be perfect. Relationships between sons and parents in our community don't develop to the point where sons can actually approach parents and tell them about issues, this is to do with the fact that parents don't expect that from their sons, what they expect is perfect grades. In our community there are so many expectations from men/sons that it becomes impossible to admit to problems and approach for help

Even the alcohol issues among Punjabi men you can't just dismiss it as a Punjabi cultural thing. 

I believe that this goes all the way back to how parents are raising their boys. 

 

[Punjabiwolves]

Mental health issues are a hidden problem in our community.many elders don't understand it and were told in their time just to get on with life. feelings were irrelevant. people in India still live like this. our people need to understand its ok for a man to have feelings, to feel depressed, to be in need of help. 

 

 

I have depression and anxiety issues which come and go but I really want to snap out of it permanently. I have some research, watched some videos about these issues spoken to a few people about it and taken a self-esteem course called NLP . and the information I gained from this has been helped me. 

 

we are all imperfect, we have our weakness and strengths, our aim in life is not to be perfect but to improve ourselves as best as we can each day. (self-growth)  we must have faith in ourselves and god. in order to progress to the life we want we must first build a solid foundation. that foundation will be who we are as person aka I am passionate, caring , loving, family man,  compassionate. we build form them with the thinking we are good enough already instead of the negative thinking we are not enough yet. we must view life inside out and instead of outside in which most people do. we get influenced by media, other people opinions on us we should not let that shape us. only we can shape ourselves and be the change we want to be. its easier said than done thou. 

[Punjabiwolves]

this sums it up well

 

 

[puzzled]

I agree in our culture feelings are not really taken into consideration, especially when it comes to men. Everything in our culture is so robotic.

[puzzled]

39 minutes ago, Punjabiwolves said:

Mental health issues are a hidden problem in our community.many elders don't understand it and were told in their time just to get on with life. feelings were irrelevant. people in India still live like this. our people need to understand its ok for a man to have feelings, to feel depressed, to be in need of help. 

 

 

I have depression and anxiety issues which come and go but I really want to snap out of it permanently. I have some research, watched some videos about these issues spoken to a few people about it and taken a self-esteem course called NLP . and the information I gained from this has been helped me. 

 

we are all imperfect, we have our weakness and strengths, our aim in life is not to be perfect but to improve ourselves as best as we can each day. (self-growth)  we must have faith in ourselves and god. in order to progress to the life we want we must first build a solid foundation. that foundation will be who we are as person aka I am passionate, caring , loving, family man,  compassionate. we build form them with the thinking we are good enough already instead of the negative thinking we are not enough yet. we must view life inside out and instead of outside in which most people do. we get influenced by media, other people opinions on us we should not let that shape us. only we can shape ourselves and be the change we want to be. its easier said than done thou. 

Do you think a lot is to do with how boys are raised? 

Also one dimensional relationships with parents where if you show any sign of defeat or sadness they turn around and say " we give you food,shelter,money,education so what's the problem" 

Punjabi parents think providing is parenting 

[Punjabiwolves]

37 minutes ago, puzzled said:

Do you think a lot is to do with how boys are raised? 

Also one dimensional relationships with parents where if you show any sign of defeat or sadness they turn around and say " we give you food,shelter,money,education so what's the problem" 

Punjabi parents think providing is parenting 

that is very true. Parents think we are being ungrateful for being sad, depressed. most Punjabi parents dont want that talk with their children about their feeling and what they want. a common solution Punjabi parents think to resolve depression problems is get their son/daughter married which just makes matter worst. I am thankful my parents don't think like that. 

 

another big issue is izzat. Punjabi parents put high expectations on their son/daughter to do well career-wise so they can tell everyone about it. its common for our people to judge you on your job title and compare with others "oh Mr Hayer's son earns 30k a year " ohh that's nothing  Mr Bahia daughter earns 40k a year" srs this is why I avoid Indian weddings. this puts pressure and makes you feel worthless because you are on a low salary. I am on £8.20 an hour and it used to bother me alot. but now i don't care I know if i stick to my plan can i reach goals and in any case money is not everything in life (our people seem to chase it alot which can also cause depression )

[Guest jigsaw_puzzled_singh]

10 hours ago, Punjabiwolves said:

that is very true. Parents think we are being ungrateful for being sad, depressed. most Punjabi parents dont want that talk with their children about their feeling and what they want. a common solution Punjabi parents think to resolve depression problems is get their son/daughter married which just makes matter worst. I am thankful my parents don't think like that. 

 

another big issue is izzat. Punjabi parents put high expectations on their son/daughter to do well career-wise so they can tell everyone about it. its common for our people to judge you on your job title and compare with others "oh Mr Hayer's son earns 30k a year " ohh that's nothing  Mr Bahia daughter earns 40k a year" srs this is why I avoid Indian weddings. this puts pressure and makes you feel worthless because you are on a low salary. I am on £8.20 an hour and it used to bother me alot. but now i don't care I know if i stick to my plan can i reach goals and in any case money is not everything in life (our people seem to chase it alot which can also cause depression )

 

 

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that is very true. Parents think we are being ungrateful for being sad, depressed. most Punjabi parents dont want that talk with their children about their feeling and what they want. a common solution Punjabi parents think to resolve depression problems is get their son/daughter married which just makes matter worst. I am thankful my parents don't think like that. 

But in a sense, Punjabi parents do have a point. We...as children of older Punjabi parents....need to think less about the things we don't have and more about the things we do. Be they legs, arms, eyes, speech, food, a bed, a roof, a car, freedom - we have so much that so many in the world simply do not have. As long as our minds dwell on these positives we can be happy.

I know a Punjabi from the Midlands who was depressed. That's understandable because I probably would be too if I lived in the midlands but he was depressed because of what he felt was a moral decline among the Sikhs and society in general. But this is just the mind playing tricks with you because the truth is this is the greatest time ever to be alive. Alcohol, drugs and debauchery among our people was a lot worse among the previous older generation. Gambling was a lot worse in the older generation. Sikhi was hardly understood among the previous older generation. Crime in victorian Britain was a hellava lot worse than it is today. Paedophilia used to be mainstream. Racists used to regularly murder our people on the streets. It's about perception. We perceive (wrongly) today to be bad compared to yesteryear and that makes us sad and depressed. It's about context. In our depressed weakened mental state we are not able to properly put realities into context and that makes us even more depressed. With clarity of thought however one can easily understand that this  moment truly is the greatest moment in history to be alive. We have everything to be grateful for and nothing to be ungrateful for.

 

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another big issue is izzat. Punjabi parents put high expectations on their son/daughter to do well career-wise so they can tell everyone about it. its common for our people to judge you on your job title and compare with others "oh Mr Hayer's son earns 30k a year " ohh that's nothing  Mr Bahia daughter earns 40k a year" srs this is why I avoid Indian weddings. this puts pressure and makes you feel worthless because you are on a low salary. I am on £8.20 an hour and it used to bother me alot. but now i don't care I know if i stick to my plan can i reach goals and in any case money is not everything in life (our people seem to chase it alot which can also cause depression )

And I want you to know that you are my hero for that. You are the people I look up to. The people I respect. The people I wish I could be like. The people that books, movies and TV shows should be about. The working man......the true heroes. I have a small one hour or so early morning cleaning job and on my way to work in the darkness I see the same men and women standing at the bus stops or walking to work. Come rain or shine...whether they're feeling well or not...I see these people everyday doing this for minimum wage and I am in awe of them and their strength. And then later in the day I go to work and I have to sit in meetings with executives in suits earning 60k plus and I sit there looking at them thinking "my god....what pathetic human beings these are with such pathetic lives".    You, my friend, are my hero.

[puzzled]

22 hours ago, Punjabiwolves said:

that is very true. Parents think we are being ungrateful for being sad, depressed. most Punjabi parents dont want that talk with their children about their feeling and what they want. a common solution Punjabi parents think to resolve depression problems is get their son/daughter married which just makes matter worst. I am thankful my parents don't think like that. 

 

another big issue is izzat. Punjabi parents put high expectations on their son/daughter to do well career-wise so they can tell everyone about it. its common for our people to judge you on your job title and compare with others "oh Mr Hayer's son earns 30k a year " ohh that's nothing  Mr Bahia daughter earns 40k a year" srs this is why I avoid Indian weddings. this puts pressure and makes you feel worthless because you are on a low salary. I am on £8.20 an hour and it used to bother me alot. but now i don't care I know if i stick to my plan can i reach goals and in any case money is not everything in life (our people seem to chase it alot which can also cause depression )

Yeah you are right for Punjabi parents a upset/ sad child means they are ungrateful and selfish. Punjabi parenting is very one dimensional, parenting for Punjabi parents is giving kids money, shelter , food, tuition. I think the reason behind this is because this is how they were raised themselves back in Punjab. I doubt their parents sat down with them and spoke about things.  

i think one of reasons behind this is because our culture lacks emotion and is very robotic. Everyone has a part and is pigeon holed, this is a sons duty, this is a daughters duty, this is a fathers duty, this is a daughter in laws duty, every one has a role to play, the whole thing is very robotic. Everyone has a role and you have to play that role well.

Even when a husband dies the mother is more concerned about the kids than her husband actually dying.  

Lol i get payed 20p less than you, but yeah i know what you mean. If you don't get payed well then you aren't the perfect son, your not fulfilling your role as a son that well. In our community you constantly get judged, no wonder people don't trust each other or come out with their weaknesses and struggles. If you admit to struggle then you get judged as a weak man.