Can't Tolerate Wife Drinking With 'colleagues'

[DSD]

I don't drink, my wife drinks on average once every 3 weeks. She doesn't get drunk, she knows her limits, she has at maximum 2 glasses of wine with a meal. It's p!ssed me off that she goes out with workmates now and then and drinks, because there are men there, some of them turbaned Singhs, who are also drinking, it's not a good thing. If I say anything to her, she says "They're just work colleagues", yet her sister was harrassed by a p@ki at her work, wasn't he just a colleague too? She also brings up the fact that I used to drink with girls at Uni, but this was years ago, I learnt better, and she wasn't with me then. She also had something really bad happen to her when she used to get really drunk, I posted about that here before. She says she has learnt from that not to get drunk, but why drink anyway?, and why hang around men who are drinking? (without me being there?). It got to the point where she said I should have married a 'freshie'. I don't want to treat her like a child, but how can I make her see she is wrong? (she says she's not wrong) and keep her out of danger?, I can't remind her of the bad thing that happened because she'll think I always use that to score points. I haven't told her to stop drinking, I just asked her to not drink when she goes out for meals with her work colleagues. When I'm firm, I just get accused of being 'controlling' and 'old skool'.

[sikh supreme]

Wasnt you the guy who posted about wanting to marry this girl only a few weeks ago? now she your wifey, when did this happen?

I gave you advice at the time of why you should not get married to non-virgin girl when you are one... and especially as she drinks. It is proven sciencetific fact women have less tolerance to drink before they come under the influence of drink therefore making them lose their inhabitions and prone to do things they normally wouldnt (eg sexually).

You will only regret it if you marry these kind of loose girls, as your values are to a higher standard than hers and she will raise the kids in the same way she has become used to.

If you have not married her yet then do your self a favor and get out of the relationship and find yourself a decent girl with good upbringing and values.

[DSD]

Yes I'm the same guy. As far as I'm concerned, she's my wife (though it's 10 weeks until we're married). I can't get out of it, I said before that I promised her Dad I wouldn't bail out (he doesn't know about the drinking etc), and both he and my Dad have spent thousands of pounds that they worked hard for. This was the case even before I found out about the other thing. She says she wouldn't drink in front of our kids, but she and her sisters drank in front of her nephew (her excuse is that he was just 1 years old at the time). It's difficult to reason with her on the phone, and we're not allowed to meet up, so can't talk then.

The situation is, my Dad is a veggie, non-drinker who prays properly, has full beard pagh etc, her Dad is clean shaven, drinks, eats meat, and says any man who doesn't drink/eat meat (ie: usually me) is not a real man. Despite this, my dad is less strict on my sisters than hers is on her and her sisters. Her dad expects her home straight after work and never lets her leave the house. When that bad thing happened, he was always working so she could see the guy (she thought she was going to marry). She is not loose in that sense, she trusted a guy she thought she would be spending her life with, and was burned big time, she swears on her own life that had she been sober, future marriage plans or not, she wouldn't have given it up to that guy.

I'm just hoping things change after marriage. The stupid part is, her firm is owned by Singhs, why do they have xmas parties etc, and why do they all take people to licensed premises?

[_K_]

can i ask y ur soon 2 b father-in-law wanted 2 get his daughter married 2 th son of an "unreal man" or 2 an "unreal man" - if u urself kee kesh dont drink, no meat etc...

a man hu drinks/eats meat & thinks that makes u a man...is a typical punjabi man!!!!!nothing more..

ok ill stop goin on..cuz that wasnt th problem..

not drinking infront of ur kids...doesnt make sense..its kinda like double standards.. out of all my cousins im th only one who doesnt drink (girls and boys)- this's cuz their mothers drink (in th case of th girls) so my aunts think its perfectly ok 4 them 2 do it... and now they go out v v often and get completely smashed then brag about it..

i think that maybe she should stop drinking i mean if she will be living with u and ur parents, the least she could do is 2 respect her in laws, cuz obv ur dad doesnt drink..

abt ths singhs- some singhs drink!! thats why they take them there!

[sikh supreme]

DSD,

Well you chosen her now you have to stick with her till death do you part. No point moaning about her antics now bruv knowing what she was like before you accepted the rishta.

K,

The singhs who drink need to either get rid of their kesh and turban or fix up and see they are wearing the religious garbs for a reason. Not to go contray to the faith makes them look like clowns and looking religious pointless to their un-sikh actions. But double standards are their for a reason. If women want to be like men they will be treated like men even the negative traits. If women want to be treated with respect and like lady's, princesses,etc they need to learn their self worth and value and not take part in negative activities of some men.

I'll post some info on alcholism that people need to know about and inform themselves, if they ever get tempted to try it or to help others come off it.

[DSD]

can i ask y ur soon 2 b father-in-law wanted 2 get his daughter married 2 th son of an "unreal man" or 2 an "unreal man" - if u urself kee kesh dont drink, no meat etc...

a man hu drinks/eats meat & thinks that makes u a man...is a typical punjabi man!!!!!nothing more..

ok ill stop goin on..cuz that wasnt th problem..

Firstly, I'm sorry about the misunderstanding, I myself am not a proper Singh, I have cut hair and shave, but I can't stand drinking culture. I know about the evils of drink, and she should know far better than anyone.

Secondly, again it wasn't his idea. He is strict and only believes in arranged marriage. My parents would have been happy for me to have a love marriage (within caste), but I couldn't find a girl I liked who was Jatt, so had to opt for arranged. This girl works 5 doors away from my parents and they always used to go on about her for 2 years, they thought she was gold (they still do), then my mum asked her to meet me, and she agreed after seeing my picture. She said she could only see me for an hour though as she didn't want to get caught by her dad. We agreed to get married after that as she seemed down to earth (sidhi-saadhi) to me, and I probably seemed like a laid back bandar type to her. Then her mum met my mum and dad and she set up a series of lies and told the father-in-law that they had met in my shop, and been discussing kids marriages and set us up. When I went to her house and met her dad for the first time, he thought I was meeting his daughter for the first time too, and as far as he knows, to this day, that is the only time I've met her. He was specific and said we shouldn't talk on the phone, text, or meet until the wedding.

not drinking infront of ur kids...doesnt make sense..its kinda like double standards.. out of all my cousins im th only one who doesnt drink (girls and boys)- this's cuz their mothers drink (in th case of th girls) so my aunts think its perfectly ok 4 them 2 do it... and now they go out v v often and get completely smashed then brag about it..

That is shocking to me. In my extended family, the men drink, my Dad used to, but he quit. None of my aunties drink except for one we suspect of drinking, and she's a widow. We also suspect some of my cousin sisters drink, but they hide it. Women drinking is a shameful thing in my family (I'm quite equal though, I don't approve of men drinking either).

i think that maybe she should stop drinking i mean if she will be living with u and ur parents, the least she could do is 2 respect her in laws, cuz obv ur dad doesnt drink..

Hopefully she will, but I think she'll just do what she did with her dad, and do it on the sly. I can't believe her mum covers it up, she's older than my mum and has been in this country less time than my mum, she should be more strict, instead she covers up her own kids to her husband, sometimes I wish she knew her daughter had been raped, then maybe that would knock some common sense into her.

abt ths singhs- some singhs drink!! thats why they take them there!

If they're going to drink, they shouldn't wear a pagh. I do things at times that aren't ideal for a sikh. I swear, I eat fish now and then, I have a tattoo, so I don't feel worthy to wear a pagh, how can they?

[DSD]

DSD,

Well you chosen her now you have to stick with her till death do you part. No point moaning about her antics now bruv knowing what she was like before you accepted the rishta.

You're right about the 'sticking with her' bit, but totally wrong about the bit about me knowing what she was like. When I agreed to marry her, I never dreamed a girl like her could be into drinking and have made such a huge mistake in her past. That hit me like a fist in the stomach much later. Also, I'm not naive, I've seen life and know what some girls are like, but would not have expected it from her. Even if it's her own fault for drinking, she can't be blamed for being raped. The guy obviously wasn't drunk, as he remembered to take precautions, he gained her trust after dating her for a year, and was the same caste as us. My anger comes from the fact that she still drinks, and still with other guys. She might say she hasn't been drunk since then, but what if the other guys get drunk and try it on with her? Man I wish she could see how stupid she is at times, but instead, it's not her it's me who's 'backward' and 'should have married a freshie'.

[sikh supreme]

ok read this topic

http://www.sikhsangat.com/index.php?showtopic=19177

I've posted some info on facts of alcoholism....maybe you can show her this and get her to change her ways.

[_K_]

abt ths singhs- some singhs drink!! thats why they take them there!

If they're going to drink, they shouldn't wear a pagh. I do things at times that aren't ideal for a sikh. I swear, I eat fish now and then, I have a tattoo, so I don't feel worthy to wear a pagh, how can they?

i have no ideaaaaa but i agree u with u on that, if they hav the appearnce of a sikh they should wear it with honour

her mom shouldnt cover 4 her..the way she is doing thats what a couple of my aunts did, now luk how my cousins hav turned out..theyr W I L D!!! lol

i think u should talk 2 her, abt wa happnd 2 her b4, it was the result of drinking, i dont see how u bringin that up will make her feel like ur using it against her, imo ur not, ud be saying it 4 her own welfare and safety..

[DSD]

_K_, when she first told me about that, I was angry. I have been mocked by many people for getting to this age and never giving in to the temptation of women. My dream was always that me and my wife would only know what certain things are like with each other, and no-one else. I couldn't believe she had been stupid enough to drink that much and let that happen. I forgave her for shattering my life dream, knowing that she could hardly remember anything about it, (she was graphic enough to say that if she hadn't been bleeding, she wouldn't have known). That made it easier to forgive, as she technically didn't know what it was like to be with another man. Before I forgave her, I cussed her down like I've never cussed anyone before in my life, it was so bad, I called her all kinds of disgusting names, yet she still stood by me. She had spoken to someone she trusted about her ordeal for the first time, and got that response. I was so guilty, I asked her how I could make it up. She asked me to promise to never bring that up again, so I promised.

The thing that's been posted about alcoholism will only strengthen her argument, as she says she only drinks one or two glasses of red wine with her meal, and that's only about once every 3-4 weeks. That article says that's good for you, so it doesn't help me. I just don't want people to see her doing this and getting it back to my parents. Her parents deserve behzti, mines don't.