Brown Nosers

[Guest ## just married##]

wjkk wjkf

sangat ji, I just want some advice and your views on the term ''brown noser''......

why?? well this is my story....

basically iv recently got married and everything was going well, iv always had a decent relationship with my brother and his wife (my pabhi). But since i got married my brothers wife has turned into a totally different person. in fact i used to take her side in minor arguments with my mum (typical mother in law and daughter in law arguments)and use to offer my brother and her support in certain sitauitons against my mum. however my brothers wife seems to forgot all of this and has started brown nosing my mum quite a bit. anythin my mum needs or doesnt even need she is the first one their or offering to do chores or any running around which she would not do before i was married. I thought my mum was wise and would know what is happening but she is now loving the attention and thinks my sister in law is faultless.

The problem this is causing me is that my newly married wife is already a shy preson and still trying to settle in and is low on confidence. my mum is thinking she doesnt do anythin or want to do anythin around the house and continually blanks her...The thing is she does alot around the house but not in front of my mum.....what makes it even worse is that my so called pabhi has not once asked my wife how she is geting on or if any support is needed. this makes me angry because i helped my pabhi when she first got married. I cant stand being in the same room as her.

What would you do in this situation....my wife has said shall i play her at her own game, but i am not comfortable with this as i think brown nosing is wrong....

wjkk wjkf

[Matheen]

Just be honest and be yourselves. Maybe sit with your brother and have a word, then sit the wives down and tell them to behave.

[Guest my 2 cents]

She realised she got competition ! Itz a perfectly normal response 2 a 2nd girl cmng into the family . Don't stress - I wud 4 starters rcmnd ur wife bcumz frndly wid ur pabhi and mum- so they get close ! She may hav alrdy tried this but just keep at it

Do not get angry wid ur pabhi and try to resolve issue with ur bro !

Peace

Will wjkf

[dalsingh101]

Someone once described 'Queen Bee' syndrome to me. This is when women get all funny at the arrival of a new women in the environment (hive) because they perceive her as a threat and start acting negative towards them in various ways.

Panjabi mother in laws are the worst in the world at this (not all but we all know some). lol

[Guest ## just married ##]

many thanks for the replies so far.....

its a really delicate situation......appreciate the feed back

[gurdssingh]

Just talk to your bhabi and mum and tell them your missus is abit shy and stuff and you'd appriciate it if from time to time they have a chat with her to she how shes getting on and help her settle in.

Dont say oh you seem to be helping mum alot etc. Cos it would sound like you guys are jealous and trying to cause trouble. Because what your bhabi is doing is a good thing, without sounding nasty maybe your bhabi was like that before and you never noticed it until you married or your wife told you. Maybe you just remember the arguments etc as they stand out and didnt notice the little things.

Try and get the girls to get on and then the whole family is happy, because you and your brother can be great together but if your wives dont get on it may cause a rift between you all.

[D Kaur]

Please do NOT, talk to your Mum, Bhabhi, or Brother about this.

All this will do is give them a reason to think that your wife is turning you against them. Your Bhabhi will say your not talking to her because of your wife, and that it is you that has changed.

Aslong as you and your brother are always talking, it's just women's politics, as soon as you two get involved the family dynamics change, sometime irrevirsbily - please do not get yourself into this situation.

You know the truth, and that is all that matters, as aslong as you are always on your wifes side she will be happy. It's good to hear that you see what is going on, so many men dont.

My advice to you, is to let this situation play itself out, as it will - eventually.

And continue to be supportive to your wife.

If you need to say somthing to your bhabhi, tell her your worried about your wife, that you think she's missing home and could she try and talk to her. Essentially i'm asking you to pander to you bhabhis need to feel like she is valued in the family. and that you need her help. If she feels needed, and not threatend by the new addition to the family she will change. You have always been her ally with the family politics, she needs to know that even though your married that hasnt changed, and that now she can help you too.

With regards to your wife, she should compliment your mum / bhabhi on a favourite dish, ask to be taught a particular recipie. Cooking is a great time to bond, and there is nothing women like more than being complimented on their cooking and being asked to teach someone else!

Your wife should also suggest an activity that the 3 of them can do together, an afternoon walk, now that the weather is getting milder. Or what i used to do with my mum and bhabhiya, go to the ladies swimming session on a saturday afternoon. The perfect way to exrcise, get fit and bond outside the house.

Hope this helps - if you wife wants to talk, ask her to PM me. I saw the same issues playing out with my bhabhiya.

[Guest ## just married ##]

Please do NOT, talk to your Mum, Bhabhi, or Brother about this.

All this will do is give them a reason to think that your wife is turning you against them. Your Bhabhi will say your not talking to her because of your wife, and that it is you that has changed.

Aslong as you and your brother are always talking, it's just women's politics, as soon as you two get involved the family dynamics change, sometime irrevirsbily - please do not get yourself into this situation.

You know the truth, and that is all that matters, as aslong as you are always on your wifes side she will be happy. It's good to hear that you see what is going on, so many men dont.

My advice to you, is to let this situation play itself out, as it will - eventually.

And continue to be supportive to your wife.

If you need to say somthing to your bhabhi, tell her your worried about your wife, that you think she's missing home and could she try and talk to her. Essentially i'm asking you to pander to you bhabhis need to feel like she is valued in the family. and that you need her help. If she feels needed, and not threatend by the new addition to the family she will change. You have always been her ally with the family politics, she needs to know that even though your married that hasnt changed, and that now she can help you too.

With regards to your wife, she should compliment your mum / bhabhi on a favourite dish, ask to be taught a particular recipie. Cooking is a great time to bond, and there is nothing women like more than being complimented on their cooking and being asked to teach someone else!

Your wife should also suggest an activity that the 3 of them can do together, an afternoon walk, now that the weather is getting milder. Or what i used to do with my mum and bhabhiya, go to the ladies swimming session on a saturday afternoon. The perfect way to exrcise, get fit and bond outside the house.

Hope this helps - if you wife wants to talk, ask her to PM me. I saw the same issues playing out with my bhabhiya.

Thanks, much appreciated.

[dalsingh101]

The Sikh channels should have regular coverage on the 'zulmi sus' issues we have until behaviour changes in the community.

To the OP, bear in mind that women seem to feel the effects of social exclusion infinitely more intensely then men (though there are some serious hypersensitive brothers out there....ahem)

So this might be more difficult for your missus to deal with than it appears on the surface. Just make sure she has a supportive social network if possible. If not, you be this supportive social network. Keep her busy (in apositive way) to keep her mind off the situation as much as possible.

[VanHelsingh]

Keep her busy.....keep her mind off the situation as much as possible.

Encouraging her to stay in the kitchen and cook won't help anyone.

:ph34r: (If anyone can't tell, I'm joking).