Ugh Need Some Help: Battling With My Identity

[N30S1NGH]

Don't know why my previous post got deleted?

I have been through a similar situation to you where I have cut my hair and dhari but my reasons were different and probably worse because I was amritdari. Anyway I hope this will help you decide what you want to do and how you can mentally come in terms with what has happened.

It all started when I was young and my family all used to go to the gurdwara and attend the weekly sunday diwaans. Although the problem was the parchaar at the gurdwara was really militant and it involved the use of fear tactics and guilt so people would take amrit. They used to say "the jamdoots will smack your head in and the only way to be saved from their strikes is by taking amrit" and "only people who have taken amrit will get liberated the others are subjective to the reincarnation cycle which is painful." Also they used to call everyone paapi and manmukhs who didn't take amrit. That these manmukhs were wasting their time by doing path and simran because it doesn't count as they haven't taken amrit and haven't learnt how to do naam from Guru. Guru is angry at these manmukhs!!!

All the above scare tactics and guilt trips made me and my family take amrit. Well it's been over 15 years since I had taken amrit and to be frank my family persuaded me to keep my kesh and tie a pagh as it comes with rules for taking amrit. I was also willing to follow all the rules and rehits that came with taking amrit as well because it would keep my family happy and it would mean getting this mukhti and guru's love. So for the last 15 years I did everything from following rehit and japping naap with as much love for God. For the first 5 years I struggled following rehits and adjusting to the new lifestyle which came with the package but what was painful was eating out of Iron plates! Eating from amrtidharis was another tough thing to do because it was so few of us. Waking up every morning at 1 am and staying awake (attending amritvela sangat) till work was really difficult and in this time doing naam and gurbani was also tiring. The worse thing was I also did panj piareah di seva a few times and made a lot of amritdhari friends in the process where I would regularly attend the gurdwara.

This continued for 10 years and by the 10th year I was exhausted following this tedious routine and I told my family I can't just keep you happy all my life. I had to make a stand on what I wanted to do and live how I wanted to otherwise I would look back and regret how I lived trapped all my life supposedly following a superior lifestyle, which it never was. But my family begged me that if I cut my hair it would mean humiliation for them and they would disown me. I cried and explained to them that I can't live this lifestyle it hasn't made me happy all this time and all they cared about was what others would say. So and so's child has cut their hair and he was amritdari what besti it was for them but I told them this shouldn't matter to you because I am your child and you should try to make me happy and not what others want. My family begged me and told me to try for a few more years and I reluctantly agreed to this. I tried my best to increase my pyar for sikhi by doing as much seva as possible did over 50 paats of SGGS and lots of naam so Guru ji could knock some sense into my mind so my family would love me and I would obtain guru ji's charan.

I was still unhappy and so after 15 years of taking amrit I decided to cut my hair and my family were angry but after a few years they have calmed down and accepted me for who I am. But I remember at that time my dad in particular lost it and gave me a number of threats and he said that if anyone asks me about you I will say you are dead and I have no son.. and further he said if you ever get married don't even dare ask me to attend as you are dead to me. He also used to complain to God for why they had given them a son. But things have calmed down since then and my life has taken a much positive turn and I am much happier. Since then i have also done a lot better in my job and social life, which has helped my family believe that I am not just a black sheep and am still a good person.

I believe wearing a turban out of respect for your family is not a good idea from experience (I tried a lot of things to keep my family happy after cutting my hair) because it will give them a false sense of belief that you are coming back into growing your hair again (unless you are) and when you cut your hair next it will just crush them again. Be firm and tell them what you want in a respectful manner otherwise you will look back later in life regretting it. Show your family you are still a good person with cut hair..

Come back bro to the panth, let bygones be bygones..this time form a direct relationship with panj, guru sahib and gurbani. Follow no group, no tribal mentality nothing nor let them get to you.

[hsingh68]

Come back bro to the panth, let bygones be bygones..this time form a direct relationship with panj, guru sahib and gurbani. Follow no group, no tribal mentality nothing nor let them get to you.

A path is only needed to meet God. Once god has been met then the path is not needed. Why follow rituals that apparently help you reach God when the final destination has been reached. The panth never helped me....

Anyway my life is the same it has not changed when I was amritdhari nor has it changed when I cut my hair and stopped following rehat. The grace of God and help is still here.

[Guest]

A path is only needed to meet God. Once god has been met then the path is not needed. Why follow rituals that apparently help you reach God when the final destination has been reached. The panth never helped me....

Anyway my life is the same it has not changed when I was amritdhari nor has it changed when I cut my hair and stopped following rehat. The grace of God and help is still here.

You just said the path that the supreme leader guru gobind Singh showed is a ritual.So in your opinion Amrit is just a ritual.

If this is what you believe then I don't know how to respond to a person like you.

[N30S1NGH]

A path is only needed to meet God. Once god has been met then the path is not needed. Why follow rituals that apparently help you reach God when the final destination has been reached. The panth never helped me....

Anyway my life is the same it has not changed when I was amritdhari nor has it changed when I cut my hair and stopped following rehat. The grace of God and help is still here.

But you do realize that even iota small perception of resentment towards anything including towards panth or anyone due to what occured in the past itself can be hindrance right towards spiritual development right? It appears there are still some issues you have to deal with and you need to work or come in terms with regardless if you are coming back in the panth or not.

Anyway, i wish you good luck.

[hsingh68]

But you do realize that even iota small perception of resentment towards anything including towards panth or anyone due to what occured in the past itself can be hindrance right towards spiritual development right? It appears there are still some issues you have to deal with and you need to work or come in terms with regardless if you are coming back in the panth or not.

Anyway, i wish you good luck.

I don't resent them all that happened was according to God's will that it was God doing everything; there is no point hating because that doesn't change anything. I just don't see the point following a path not because I hate the path. I respect everyone but it doesn't mean I have to follow them.

[Guest]

Are you saying Amrit that guru gobind Singh ji showed is ritualistic?