Where do I fit in this structure

[Guest BalanSingh]

So I am the eldest child of 2nd gen Punjabi parents in the west.

Ive had an ordinary upbringing with the unfortunate timid father and aggressive overbearing mother. Hope some of you can relate.

One of my siblings is a plain arrogant, small minded <banned word filter activated>. My mother practically worships this child (2nd youngest) and can do no wrong. One day I’m in the town on my way back home and I ring sibling to say, is it ok I drop in and visit you for a couple of hours?  Sibling goes no sorry bit busy, another time ok? Sure thing I say. No problem. Little further towards home I ring parents to say trip went well etc. Parents say we’re on our way to see sibling and will be there in 5 mins. Is anything wrong I say?  No they say just ordinary visit. So sibling was ok to receive parents but not me. Bit stunned to say the least and had a bit of tension but eventually let it go. 

Skip forward a few years and sibling announces coming to stay with parents. Nice. Only this time siblings other half coming to stay in a rare appearance. My father immediately expects me to drop everything and allocate the whole weekend for that other half. I can and I can’t. 

Firstly, me and my other half have been under massive stress lately and have booked a night away on the Sunday for a bit of respite. This was booked ages ago. My parents are well aware of the stress. I say to parents that I can spend ALL DAY Saturday with the rare appearance but Sunday I’ve got plans. Rare appearance is either going Sunday lunchtime or Monday , not sure. Parents react with disappointment that I won’t cancel Sunday. 

I really am staggered they’d put in-law child before me. Rare appearance wouldn’t cancel for me in a million years! There is nothing planned like a big event or anything, they just want a catch-up which is nice. I am upset because for not one second did my parents think about me, my feelings or that I have my own life. I am spending SOME of the time with rare appearance, it’s not like I’m completely have no time for them. 

One of my other siblings I’d count as normal, they ring me, i ring them, drop round each other’s (with a courtesy of asking first). The other one is ring fenced. My mother encourages to leave this one out of the loop. Don’t drop round, don’t call, give them latitude whenever, wherever but don’t expect it to be reciprocated. Amazingly rare appearance’s parents treat mine like absolute faeces. Perhaps this is the price they pay for their stupidity. None of my aunts or uncles would put up with that.

[S1ngh]

3 hours ago, Guest BalanSingh said:

So I am the eldest child of 2nd gen Punjabi parents in the west.

Ive had an ordinary upbringing with the unfortunate timid father and aggressive overbearing mother. Hope some of you can relate.

One of my siblings is a plain arrogant, small minded <banned word filter activated>. My mother practically worships this child (2nd youngest) and can do no wrong. One day I’m in the town on my way back home and I ring sibling to say, is it ok I drop in and visit you for a couple of hours?  Sibling goes no sorry bit busy, another time ok? Sure thing I say. No problem. Little further towards home I ring parents to say trip went well etc. Parents say we’re on our way to see sibling and will be there in 5 mins. Is anything wrong I say?  No they say just ordinary visit. So sibling was ok to receive parents but not me. Bit stunned to say the least and had a bit of tension but eventually let it go. 

Skip forward a few years and sibling announces coming to stay with parents. Nice. Only this time siblings other half coming to stay in a rare appearance. My father immediately expects me to drop everything and allocate the whole weekend for that other half. I can and I can’t. 

Firstly, me and my other half have been under massive stress lately and have booked a night away on the Sunday for a bit of respite. This was booked ages ago. My parents are well aware of the stress. I say to parents that I can spend ALL DAY Saturday with the rare appearance but Sunday I’ve got plans. Rare appearance is either going Sunday lunchtime or Monday , not sure. Parents react with disappointment that I won’t cancel Sunday. 

I really am staggered they’d put in-law child before me. Rare appearance wouldn’t cancel for me in a million years! There is nothing planned like a big event or anything, they just want a catch-up which is nice. I am upset because for not one second did my parents think about me, my feelings or that I have my own life. I am spending SOME of the time with rare appearance, it’s not like I’m completely have no time for them. 

One of my other siblings I’d count as normal, they ring me, i ring them, drop round each other’s (with a courtesy of asking first). The other one is ring fenced. My mother encourages to leave this one out of the loop. Don’t drop round, don’t call, give them latitude whenever, wherever but don’t expect it to be reciprocated. Amazingly rare appearance’s parents treat mine like absolute faeces. Perhaps this is the price they pay for their stupidity. None of my aunts or uncles would put up with that.

Can you tell how this thread is related to this? Are you married? 
 

 

[Guest BalanSingh]

11 hours ago, S1ngh said:

Can you tell how this thread is related to this? Are you married? 
 

 

Er...Not sure what you mean here? The Bengali problem seems to be somebody else's issue and my issue is the above.

[Guest Mine too]

19 hours ago, Guest BalanSingh said:

So I am the eldest child of 2nd gen Punjabi parents in the west.

Ive had an ordinary upbringing with the unfortunate timid father and aggressive overbearing mother. Hope some of you can relate.

One of my siblings is a plain arrogant, small minded <banned word filter activated>. My mother practically worships this child (2nd youngest) and can do no wrong. One day I’m in the town on my way back home and I ring sibling to say, is it ok I drop in and visit you for a couple of hours?  Sibling goes no sorry bit busy, another time ok? Sure thing I say. No problem. Little further towards home I ring parents to say trip went well etc. Parents say we’re on our way to see sibling and will be there in 5 mins. Is anything wrong I say?  No they say just ordinary visit. So sibling was ok to receive parents but not me. Bit stunned to say the least and had a bit of tension but eventually let it go. 

Skip forward a few years and sibling announces coming to stay with parents. Nice. Only this time siblings other half coming to stay in a rare appearance. My father immediately expects me to drop everything and allocate the whole weekend for that other half. I can and I can’t. 

Firstly, me and my other half have been under massive stress lately and have booked a night away on the Sunday for a bit of respite. This was booked ages ago. My parents are well aware of the stress. I say to parents that I can spend ALL DAY Saturday with the rare appearance but Sunday I’ve got plans. Rare appearance is either going Sunday lunchtime or Monday , not sure. Parents react with disappointment that I won’t cancel Sunday. 

I really am staggered they’d put in-law child before me. Rare appearance wouldn’t cancel for me in a million years! There is nothing planned like a big event or anything, they just want a catch-up which is nice. I am upset because for not one second did my parents think about me, my feelings or that I have my own life. I am spending SOME of the time with rare appearance, it’s not like I’m completely have no time for them. 

One of my other siblings I’d count as normal, they ring me, i ring them, drop round each other’s (with a courtesy of asking first). The other one is ring fenced. My mother encourages to leave this one out of the loop. Don’t drop round, don’t call, give them latitude whenever, wherever but don’t expect it to be reciprocated. Amazingly rare appearance’s parents treat mine like absolute faeces. Perhaps this is the price they pay for their stupidity. None of my aunts or uncles would put up with that.

My family are insane. My siblings never bother calling or messaging me and either does one if my parents. 

 

I'm dropping my expectations of them for abit and accepting them for who they are. 

[S1ngh]

On 2/12/2020 at 5:57 AM, Guest BalanSingh said:

Er...Not sure what you mean here? The Bengali problem seems to be somebody else's issue and my issue is the above.

Your ip address matches with that bengali thread poster. That is what it confused me. 

[Guest Steve Jobs]

That's hardly surprising since most major ISP's use the same IP address for thousands of customers at a time

[Guest BalanSingh]

On 2/12/2020 at 6:13 PM, Guest Mine too said:

My family are insane. My siblings never bother calling or messaging me and either does one if my parents. 

 

I'm dropping my expectations of them for abit and accepting them for who they are. 

I think I will do the same - drop my expectations. 

[dallysingh101]

19 hours ago, Guest BalanSingh said:

I think I will do the same - drop my expectations. 

Seeing people for who they really are (this doesn't necessarily involve critical judgement), so that you have some idea of how they will behave  - as opposed to how you think they should behave is quite empowering in the long run. After the initial feeling  of disappointment subsides (if it comes up), you're better armed to respond to their actions (or inaction). 

As much as we might want it, the reality is that we can't all have warm, strong bonds/relationships with family members, for a variety of reasons - not least of all neurobiological factors which make people think, and thus act, differently. Yes, we'd all like tight supportive relationships with our siblings - but often it doesn't turn out like that because of personality differences or conflicts of interests (like one being particularly hawkish about property/material items they might inherit from parents, and perceiving siblings as competition for this).

If it comes to it, realise they have their lives and you have yours. I believe I may have wasted so many decades and resources trying to create a supportive, well bonded family unit with youngsters in the family - and it didn't turn out quite like I imagined. Sure, they benefited greatly from what was done (big time actually), but when you get older you realise that we truly do have individual journeys in this life.

I don't regret anything I've done, but a part of me feels like a lot of effort and resources were put in that were not appreciated - that I could have used on myself. People don't realise how different things could've been for them, if someone they took for granted wasn't there. But there are no regrets or crybabying. At least I can rest my head knowing I did my bit. My conscience is clear, and I can say that certain people didn't have to go through things my generation did - which is an achievement.  You don't do the right thing for reward and the accolades of other humans, you should do it because it is the right thing to do. 

We have to be truthful and brutally honest about family dynamics and not get stuck in some idealised vision of this - that just leads us to be repeatedly disappointed. Some people may have it - many if not most, don't. 

[MisterrSingh]

We're born alone, we die alone, and the long bit in-between when we're apparently surrounded by the most vivid illusions of company is when some people feel the most lonesome. There's no need to become a misanthrope, but there has to come a time, for a male preferably when they are still in the prime of their life, when he realises he's not receiving as much as he's giving out to those closest to him in the context of spiritual and mental energy; not in a selfish material manner. You either drain yourself completely and end up consumed by bitterness -- not that anybody cares -- or you recognise the signs before hurtling off the edge, and realise that changes need to be made. 

[dallysingh101]

On 2/12/2020 at 2:37 AM, S1ngh said:

Sibling goes no sorry bit busy, another time ok? Sure thing I say. No problem. Little further towards home I ring parents to say trip went well etc. Parents say we’re on our way to see sibling and will be there in 5 mins. Is anything wrong I say?  No they say just ordinary visit. So sibling was ok to receive parents but not me. Bit stunned to say the least and had a bit of tension but eventually let it go. 

He might have NPD or sociopathy issues by the sounds of it. 

Being constantly deceptive, and protective of their 'supply' is indicative.   

 

Make healthy boundaries with your family without being elusive or resentful.