Can anyone else relate?

[Singh1989 200]

https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/parenting/what-is-a-toxic-mother-and-how-does-she-affect-relationships/

Link is about abusive relationship you may or may had been in but never knew? 

There is direct abuse; negligence, rape, hitting kids. Then there is indirect abuse; constant criticism, over involvement, frowning on kids' decisions, constant emotional blackmail until kids' give in to parent's choices, NEVER appreciative of your own kids, constantly going on about other kids and how they are successful, making your kids feel unworthy, telling them "You can't do/ cope." 

Me and my sister fall into the latter. And MY GOODNESS! How has my sis ended up!? 34, been on super healthy diet since nearly 17 years, hasn't eaten outside food since, no fizzy drinks just water n milk, no oily fried food, no chocolate, candies - basically home cooked vegetables and daal (that too just heated up) with sometimes rice, sometimes Baajri (millet flour), nuts n seeds. 

Her attitude in general is "I am right, do it my way" and she's a force nobody argues with. She has negative thoughts rather than positive. Her spending idea is "save every single penny, you never know" so absolutely zero make up (ok, fair enough) but then she'll wear same clothes for years n years without getting bored. 5 yrs ago she wore shoes with hole at the bottom! My mother had to buy her new ones outta pitty. 

Tell me, who's gonna marry a broken n wrecked girl like that?? NOBODY! Mum being mum (poisonous, venomous n toxic) used to force her to get married now she's given up but talks about it. Part of poisonous, venomous, toxic relationship is to ensure you make your kids do what they not want or cannot do. Only on two occasions (how fortunate only two) she wanted me to atleast trim my beard to look neat. With kirpa I never gave in to that. 

My sister's idea of passing the time; study books on healthy eating, cycle, study Grade 4 or 5 books to keep the brain sharp, maths all in spare time. Anything else is "Waste of her time." 

Sangat Jio, unless YOU want your kids to be on drugs, not follow society, be unhappy, have negative thoughts to EVERY situation... don't chod it up for them and yourselves. 

[puzzled 3,677]

I personally can't relate to that, but I have seen it in my family/relatives.

The results are devastating. 

It's happening with my one of my cousin sisters atm  she spends months living around her friends house to avoid her mother. But now she's going get a flat for herself. In fact she's even considering moving across the Atlantic to avoid her mother. 

Her mother says things like that she never wanted her and that she wanted a son instead, and that she was a mistake etc  her mother says things like that she hopes her daughter never settles and ends up in a bad marriage. 

One of the saddest cases in my family is another cousin sister of mine who has been disowned by the family. I actually was very close to her, but I'm not allowed to talk to her anymore. Her mother was very abusive towards her. My cousin was a lot older than me, like 14 years, so I never saw her childhood but my mum has told me about it. Her mother actually used to physically torture her. When she was a kid her mother hit her head with her high heel shoe. She ended up with a hole in her head, that's the kind of stuff her mother used to do to her. My cousin then ended up hanging around with wrong people and picked up wrong habits which eventually started destroying her. But I never judged her. She was really honest with me and trusted me. As I got older and started seeing how toxic their relationship was, it was terrible! Her mother used to call her things like h*ramdi etc Her family eventually disowned her. It's been like 5 years now. In the past I've felt like finding out where she is and meeting up with her. But if my family find out I would be in a lot of trouble. Plus unfortunately her habits have got worse. She has our phone number and sometimes rings us, she asks for me but my mother cuts the phone. 

I've known both these abusive mothers since I was kid, and there definitely is something very wrong with them. I can't figure out what it is, or where it went wrong. They lack sympathy, lack in faith. 

Abusive mothers are far more destructive than abusive fathers. 

We as a community, culturally, glorify the relationship between mothers and kids, but that is not the case for many. 

[PuzzledToo 97]

20 minutes ago, puzzled said:

Plus unfortunately her habits have got worse. She has our phone number and sometimes rings us, she asks for me but my mother cuts the phone. 

This is so sad.She on heroin?She self medicated with substances to cope with the childhood abuse she suffered at the hands of someone that was supposed to be her protector and caregiver.

[puzzled 3,677]

33 minutes ago, PuzzledToo said:

This is so sad.She on heroin?She self medicated with substances to cope with the childhood abuse she suffered at the hands of someone that was supposed to be her protector and caregiver.

Alcohol. But she told me she did heroin when she was younger. She stopped heroin and then started drinking. Few times she rang us she was completely under the influence of alcohol, muddled up sentence, slurred words. I think since then she's possibly taking other stuff. 

I emailed Sikh helpline a few years back. But I doubt she spoke to them. 

She used to say that her mum sometimes used to buy alcohol and put it in front of her on purpose. 

[puzzled 3,677]

In our community when the kids mess up we always focus on the messed up kids but don't look at why the kids have messed up. We haven't reached the point as a community where we link bad parenting to rebellious kids. I don't think we actually have reached the point where we think parents can be faulty at all. Even if we blame the parents its often "oh they must have spoiled their kids"

Recognising bad parenting does not exist in our community. 

[PuzzledToo 97]

Alcoholics can be helped if they themselves want to get clean but would need professional support as she might require medication to handle withdrawal symptoms.The problem with alcohol is its legality and easy availability that makes it harder to quit.

26 minutes ago, puzzled said:

She used to say that her mum sometimes used to buy alcohol and put it in front of her on purpose. 

What a wicked woman!

[GurjantGnostic 1,035]

3 hours ago, PuzzledToo said:

Alcoholics can be helped if they themselves want to get clean but would need professional support as she might require medication to handle withdrawal symptoms.The problem with alcohol is its legality and easy availability that makes it harder to quit.

What a wicked woman!

Combined with the devils narrative that the problem isn't the insideous nature of alcohol, the problem is the addict, which is anyone that drinks at all long. They just don't know how to destroy themselves in moderation. There's something wrong with people who aren't chemically dependant on depression and poor decision making. In fact. If you don't kill yourself with this garbage you're just not even normal.

Another rediculous thing about alcohol... It's the only drug people measure their worth in how much it doesn't effect them. 

"Dude I drank enough to kill someone, I don't feel a thing!  What a man I am. Maybe I'll commit vehicular homicide on my way home! If I make it there hopefully I pass out face down!"

Any other drug doesn't effect you.. you don't brag about it, you find that dude and demand your money back. 

[PuzzledToo 97]

27 minutes ago, GurjantGnostic said:

insideous nature of alcohol

Bingo.It's the panj doot concentrated into a bottle.

Quote

You often hear that pot leads to harder drugs. But I think alcohol is what leads you to everything, because it takes away the fear. The worst drug experimentation I ever did was because I was drunk and didn't care.

Chriss Cornell's of the band Audioslave quote.He committed suicide by hanging.

[puzzled 3,677]

Unfortunately the alcohol never really goes away even when you stop drinking. It just takes some triggers, and then its in your mind again, whether if you act upon it becomes your choice. 

[jkvlondon 5,611]

addiction is the symptom of extreme loneliness and disconnect... self-hatred rears its head and the person annihilates themselves through the weapon of choice , they are starved of connection, understanding and love . Your cousins really had the dregs as mothers I would have kicked out the Mums and kept the daughters because at least they had a chance of becoming worthwhile humans.

[puzzled 3,677]

15 hours ago, jkvlondon said:

Your cousins really had the dregs as mothers I would have kicked out the Mums and kept the daughters because at least they had a chance of becoming worthwhile humans.

I sometimes wonder why God does that? Why make a soul born into a "Sikh" family only to be tortured by their own mother. A family where there is no dharam. How is that fair? What chance does a person stand in life when that is how it began ? 

What was the point of her life? I don't get it. 

[GurjantGnostic 1,035]

4 hours ago, puzzled said:

I sometimes wonder why God does that? Why make a soul born into a "Sikh" family only to be tortured by their own mother. A family where there is no dharam. How is that fair? What chance does a person stand in life when that is how it began ? 

What was the point of her life? I don't get it. 

Real ones are forged in fire. 

[MisterrSingh 4,717]

Sad to read accounts of these things that are rarely acknowledged. What can you say to comfort anyone in this position? Messed up.