Stress Reliever

[Jkaur]

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before. Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch.

Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000."

"Now," he concluded, "who do you think they are going to send into battle first?"

[Jkaur]

A man goes into a cafe and sits down. A waitress comes to take his order, and he asks her, "What's the special of the day?"

"Chili," she says, "But the gentleman next to you got the last bowl."

The man says he'll just have coffee, and the waitress goes to fetch it. As he waited, he noticed the man next to him was eating a full lunch and the bowl of chili remained uneaten. "Are you going to eat your chili?" he asked.

"No, help yourself," replied his neighbor. The man picked up a spoon and eagerly began devouring the chili. When he got halfway through the bowl, he noticed the body of a dead mouse in the bottom of the bowl. Sickened, he puked the chili he had just eaten back into the bowl.

"Yeah, that's as far as I got, too," said the man sitting next to him.

[Jkaur]

There was a guy in a bar, just looking at his drink. He stayed like that for half an hour. Then, this big trouble-making truck driver stepped up next to him, took the drink from the guy, and drank it all down.

The poor man started crying. The truck driver said, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a man crying."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I was late getting to my office. My boss was outrageous, and fired me. When I left the building to go to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I got a cab to return home, and when I left it, I remembered I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drove away. When I got home, I found my wife in bed with the gardener. I left home and came to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

[Jkaur]

A student comes to a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly.

"I would do anything to pass this exam." she exclaims.

She leans closer to him, flips her hair back and gazes meaningfully into his eyes.

"I mean..." she whispers, "I would do anything!"

He returns her gaze. "Anything?" he asks.

"Yes... Anything!"

His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you...study?"

[Jkaur]

Bill, Jim & Scott were at a convention together & were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75-story skyscraper. After a long day of meetings, they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken & they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room. Bill said to Jim & Scott, "Let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, Jim can sing songs for the next 25 flights and Scott can tell sad stories for the rest of the way." At the 26th floor, Bill stopped telling jokes & Jim began to sing. At the 51st floor Jim stopped singing & Scott began to tell sad stories. "I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left the room key in the car!!!

[Jkaur]

A doctor and a lawyer were attending a cocktail party when the doctor was approached by a man who asked advice on how to handle his ulcer. The doctor mumbled some medical advice, then turned to the lawyer and asked, "How do you handle the situation when you are asked for advice during a social function?"

"Just send an account for such advice" replied the lawyer.

On the next morning the doctor arrived at his surgery and issued the ulcer-stricken man a $50 account. That afternoon he received a $100 account from the lawyer.

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A new client had just come in to see a famous lawyer.

"Can you tell me how much you charge?", said the client.

"Of course", the lawyer replied, "I charge $200 to answer three questions!"

"Well that's a bit steep, isn't it?"

"Yes it is", said the lawyer, "And what's your third question?"

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The lawyer's son wanted to follow in his father's footsteps, so he went to law school. He graduated with honors, and then went home to join his father's firm. At the end of his first day at work he rushed into his father's office, and said, "Father, father, in one day I broke the accident case that you've been working on for ten years!"

His father responded: "You <banned word filter activated>, we could live on the funding of that case for another ten years!"

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A witness to an automobile accident was testifying. The lawyer aske

d him, "Did you actually see the accident?"

The witness: "Yes, sir."

The lawyer: "How far away were you when the accident happened?"

The witness: "Thirty-one feet, six and one quarter inches."

The lawyer (thinking he'd trap the witness): "Well, sir, will you tell the jury how you knew it was exactly that distance?"

The witness: "Because when the accident happened I took out a tape and measured it. I knew some annoying lawyer would ask me that question."

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[birkhalsa]

DON'T EVER BE LATE

A parish priest was being honored at a dinner on the twenty-fifth anniversary of his arrival in that parish.

A leading local politician, who was a member of the congregation, was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner, but he was delayed in traffic, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.

"You will understand," he said, "the seal of the confessional, can never be broken. However, I got my first impressions of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I can only hint vaguely about this, but when I came here twenty-five years ago I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place.

The very first chap who entered my confessional told me how he had stolen a television set, and when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer. Further, he told me he had embezzled money from his place of business and had an affair with his boss's wife. I was appalled.

But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that, and I had, indeed come to, a fine parish full of understanding and loving people." Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late.

He immediately began to make the presentation and give his talk.

"I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived in this

parish," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the

first one to go to him in confession."

Moral: DON'T EVER BE LATE

[Turbanator]

How do you confuse a blonde?

Put her in a circular room and tell her to stand in the corner.

How does she confuse you?

She comes out and says she did it.

How do you confuse her even more?

Tell her that wasnt a corner.

What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?

Take the pin out and throw it back.

What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you?

Run as fast as you can! She's got a grenade!

[Simran9]

good jokes ppl, keep em coming cuz I love laughin

btw, check this out: Rapping Babies

[Simran9]

Here's some common punjabi phrases (I had to take some out cuz Admin would do it anyway ) Enjoy!

1. Kacche ch naala paa.

2. Dudh pi le

3. Gatha chil le

4. Khasma nu khani

5. Dur fitte mooh Tera

6. Aaj kera Chandh char ke aye a?

7. Ullu da pattha

8. ki gal hai tyar ni hoe? Ki kara'n hale daarhi ni sukki

9. Ede muh ch dandi pa

10. ajj vi koi chitthi ni ai

11. bahot thand hai ji

12. hor dasso

12. roti kha lai aa?

13. bas chal rahi ha yaar

14. kade par likh vi laya kar

15. tenu maut ###### hai?

16. syapa yi paya rahnda hai

17. o mar oye

18. picha hat ja ke

19. enanu chara pa

20. kade has vi laya karo

21. ovi ki yad karega

22. kithe mar gayi ni

23. vele kise jahan de

24. lar lar ke mar jaiye!

25. me te kuch kahnda hi nahi

26. tusi naraz ho?

27. Me kaya ki gal hai....?

28. cha sha banao ji B)

29. kam tera pyo karega

30. kade na vi laya karo

31. hun soja beta

32. gussa na karo ji

33. dil te na tor.

34. handi roti kar lai he

35. kam karde karde mera faluda ban gaya ji

36. estra na karo..mennu na sharam aandi hai

37. oye eddar mar oye

38. kitthe gai ni?

39. bal bacche thik ne?

40. Kade sanu vi yad kar laya karo.

41. estra te na karo ni ju hun?

42. enne nere aa ke vi sannu ni milan da dil keeta?

r>43. ey bacche bare shararti ne

44. mera nakk ch dam kita paya

45. ede nak ch nasvar di ghutti pa

46. kade sanu vi yad kar laya karo sonyo

47. tusi na - bare kharab ho

48. oh din vi ki din san.. hun te galla hi kuch hor ne.

49. AAHO

50. e parosia nu bari agg laggi hai!

51. Chall jaake atta ghun lai

52. tu mama lagda aa?

53. una kise tha da!

54. teno kise ne vekhn nahi auna!

55. vadh ke rakh dou!

56. latta bhan dou!

57. behta reh ram nal

59. Ooo Kidhaaaaaa?

60. Ni wadi shakeenen ta vekhohad ho gai ,Hor koi navin tazi

61. teri massi lagdi ya?

62. kenchi vargo zuban chaldi teri...

63. aah koi time ya ghaar on da...

64. 5kaddi kataaba vi khol liya karo ..

65. uth jaa hun, baara (12) vaj gaye

66. raat nu sondi nayi te swere uth di nayi..

67. chal koi na...

68. jutiaah (shoes) na kha layee

69. sada munda paran nu bahut hushiaar ah

70. sohnioh kadde has ki wi bula liya karo

71. ehdi shakal apne daddy te gayee ah

72. kar lao gheyo nu bhanda

73. TV band karo..

74. himmatt haige te edar aa

75. oye kaakh na rave tuhada

76. tu keda munda ya / kedi kurri ya.

77. tusi kere pindo ho.

78. kyon mera jeena haram kitta ya..

79. roolla kat pao

80. ethe ki haneeri aagayi

81.marr jawa gur kha ke

82. muh band karla, nahi ta makhi pe jao

83. patta nayi tenu akhal kido augi

84. path pooja val vi kadi dhiyan kar liya kar

85. ki dassa penji ..

86. oye sharam karo kuch

87. hun tusi niyane nayi raye

88. bachiya vaaliya galla na kariya karo

89. lah aa kee aa?

90. oh balle tere!

91. chal chaliyah

and some more...

92. O Jaan Day Yaar...!!

93. DAFA HO YA AITHON...!!

94. MAGHRON V LAY JA...!!

95. YAAR SIR NA KHA MERA...!!

96.

CHANGA RAYA AEIN...!!

97. LO KAR LO GALL...!!

98. JA JAA KAY KAMM KAR...!!

99. TOON LANG JA SAADI KHAIR A...!!

100. CHALL REN DAY...!!

101. Aaj kera Chandh char ke aye a?

102. jey muh chaj da ni taan gal taan chaj di kar leya karo

103. oh sahuri deya

104.eiven kamal na kutto yaar

105. randi ronna band karo yaar

106. aaja fer dekh la

So...what's your favorite one?