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Questions On Marriage And Religion V Culture


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you should tell him to get a life.

ok, im joking.

on a serious note..........

what i suggest, is an open discussion where your parents, his parents, and you + him sit down to discuss this very important issue.

he should really grow up though. i mean.. hes about to get married, and he hangs up... not hearing your concerns?? :6 thats lame for a guy whos turning into a man. not to mention the fact that hes amritdhari. not a very good role model, i point out.

when youre having the discussion, make sure to mention the following:

-> when you get married, parents from both sides of the family should get equal respect. your parents deserve respect just as much as his do.

-> he should grow up

-> he has brothers who can take care of his parents, ALONG with their (future) wives. (if he doesnt get this hint, dont marry him. lol)

-> he should grow up

-> when a man marries a woman from outside of india, does he not live with the his wife's parents? under certain circumstances, the ridiculous rules of punjabi culture do not have to be followed. (your situation is one of these 'certain circumstances') make sure to mention this. my maaci's all had each of their husbands live in each of their homes before AND after the guys parents moved in from india.

-> he should grow up

-> tell him that if he cant understand your feelings, youre not suitable for each other. (im really serious about this one: ) if he cannot understand or even listen to what you have to say about such an important matter (regarding your OWN parents) how can he listen to/respect you after marriage? obviously, he doesnt care, and thats ridiculous behaviour coming from a man who is thinking of marrying you. its marriage for crying out loud. the biggest thing in a persons life...! i mean, you are going to be husband and wife. you are supposed to bond, and understand, and feel each others emotions. if he cant even listen to what you have to say about your own parents well-being, thats just far beyond ignorance and immaturity.

did i mention he should grow up?

and the reason why im saying its ignorance and immaturity is because we cant continue doing things 'just because its tradition'.

VJKK VJKF

Bhainjeeo, its a balance of both. Let me ask you this, why do singhs walk in front at the lavaa? What if you say, I don't think this is right and singh should walk behind you, do you think everyone will be ok with it? You have to consider many things when making such presumptions.

Today you're saying your singh should move into your house with you, tomorrow someone else is going to say bibian should walk in front of singhs, why not follow in the footsteps of our guru sahibaans? Why not look at what they did and how we can follow in their footsteps? MOST of our guru sahibaans lived according to the idea that the wife has to live with her in laws.

You can argue this point by saying that there are many things that were not done then and now are socially acceptable such as women working and men staying at home to take care of the household/family, etc. our Guru sahibans never did that. But what I'm saying is that our Guru sahibaans lived and preached sikhi practically, making it be socially acceptable in society, same way I would argue that in today's day the practice of the bride moving into her inlaws is socially acceptable among most if not all gursikh families and is also a socially acceptable practice among punjabis/non-sikhs.

umm, talikhaak, try to understand where the bhainjeeo is coming from. you cant just assume shes trying to get her future husband to agree with him living at her house because she doesnt think rules are equal. :S i mean, shes not being a rebel or anything. understand what shes feeling here. and shes not nearly asking for the woman to walk in front of the man during laavaa. dont get to ahead of yourself there now. <_<

i understand that our guru jis did not spicifically condemn the 'rule' of a wife going to the grooms house, but..... our guru jis didnt specifically condemn a lot of other things that are still traditions. i mean, its common sense. and im not saying all this because im a girl. i am very very sincere about equality. for example, my mom doesnt let me touch my dads shoes. whenever i pick up everyones shoes from the rug to put them in the closet, my mom stops me from touching my dads shoes. now, i know its different. this shows the respect the father has for the girl. but still, i disagree with it 100%. why is it considered to be ok when the boy touches the shoes, but disrespectful when the girl does? i mean, this is in favor for girls, but i still think its stupid. did guru ji say that girls shouldnt touch their fathers shoes? so dont say things like 'guru ji didnt say anything is wrong with the girl moving into the guys house' because guru ji didnt say that 'girls SHOULD move into a guys house' either. its tradition. and its stupid when a guy only thinks of himself and his pride etc.

again, its not like youre asking for something impossible. if men think theyre so great, then why dont they do the so-called 'impossible' and prove their 'great'ness.

doesnt Gurbaani/Sikhi teach us to love and respect one another? i say this again....... if he cant even listen to you and try to understand (hanging up), then he should read more Gurbaani and learn to love.

in the end, i have to say... if he does not listen to you, hes not good for you. he does not try to understand you, hes not good for you. if he does not try to solve this problem (whichever way he feels is right), hes not good for you. i say, your parents should move in with him. where does it say in gurbaani that womens parents cant move into the guys house right?

and if he still is being a baby, sock him in the face and tell him to get a life. :D

sikhi=great

punjabi culture/tradition= stinky

there is major difference.

and what does 'ghar jamai' mean anyway?

i know it means born at home.. but i dont get it.... :umm:

p.s.

he should grow up.

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Nowhere, in Sikh scriptures, does it mention anything about the bride having to move into her husbands house.

I just don't understand why he hung up. He should have heard what you had to say. That's very immature.

Why don't you talk to his parents if he doesn't want to listen? I think that would be a good option. After all, the ones who understand parents well are parents. They should understand. Good luck. Remember, girls do not have to move in. I hope it all works out.

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Khalsa Girl 1,

You seem to be a smart girl but why are you asking "what does 'ghar jamai' mean anyway?"

It is strange, why didn't you 'Google' ?

Across the Asian sub-continent, the term Gharjamai refers to a live-in son-in-law.

Source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gharjamai

Original Post Girl wrote

"I am going to go and talk with him and his parents today."

This makes me wonder !

Is this a love affair, why there is no initiative from girl's parents,

if the guy & his family stays in the same city then the girl is not far off from parents,

is it really about taking care of parents or is it an excuse to shy away from traditional family lifestyle (an escape from duties & responsibilities of a daughter in law),

Is it possible for a girl to dominate and have her way with an educated guy still living in a joint family. Please do a 'Reality Check'

Why would a well off guy leave his parents and home and decide to marry a girl who wants to stay with her parents ?

So who is being Stupid here.

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Guest _singh_

i think you should sit down and talk with your parents. ask them what they would like you to do. then, have his parents come to your house to have a discussion with your parents. parents understand parents. the guy youre talking about doesnt understand your situation. after the parents talk, bring yourself and him into the conversation. hopefully, you can work something out. if hes still being unreasonably stubborn then i really think you should call it off. its not worth it. i even asked my parents what they would have done if my sister was in your position. they said if the guy would still not listen, they would tell my sister to call it off. they also said that if this sort of thing is a problem before marriage, they would FOR SURE say no, because there would be problems later on that he will use to tie back to this situation.

so if he doesnt listen, i really think you should not marry him. i wish you luck.

-your brother

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thanks everyone for all the help!

yeah i agree he needs to get a life lol, very immature person.

well here's an update:

My parents tried to call it off but now his parents not really listening so we just ignoring them. he called to say sorry and stuff but not sure if i should accept apology or not? i think i shouldn't but i'm not sure if i should give him benefit of the doubt. I'm pretty sure that i will tell him i accept his apology but i think it is best not to marry each other. why some people need to be so dramatic with these things lol? his mom was all crying and stuff.

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thanks everyone for all the help!

yeah i agree he needs to get a life lol, very immature person.

well here's an update:

My parents tried to call it off but now his parents not really listening so we just ignoring them. he called to say sorry and stuff but not sure if i should accept apology or not? i think i shouldn't but i'm not sure if i should give him benefit of the doubt. I'm pretty sure that i will tell him i accept his apology but i think it is best not to marry each other. why some people need to be so dramatic with these things lol? his mom was all crying and stuff.

If its causing so much trouble with their parents and yours, with you and him, from something as small as this, I think you already know that its not going to work. When people get married, it must be to someone that shares similar beliefs as themselves, culturally and spiritually, especially when it comes to issues like this. Good luck Bhenji!

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thanks everyone for all the help!

yeah i agree he needs to get a life lol, very immature person.

well here's an update:

My parents tried to call it off but now his parents not really listening so we just ignoring them. he called to say sorry and stuff but not sure if i should accept apology or not? i think i shouldn't but i'm not sure if i should give him benefit of the doubt. I'm pretty sure that i will tell him i accept his apology but i think it is best not to marry each other. why some people need to be so dramatic with these things lol? his mom was all crying and stuff.

Hi there,

Really feel for you right now, I went through similar issues and would advise you to consider very carefully whether you want get married to this guy. I was engaged to someone I thought shared the same values, etc and thought he would respect and look after my parents and vice versa. Prior to our engagement we had decided to get married and live separately but still look after both parents. After getting engagement he changed his mind and said we should stay with his parents. As I had been honest from the start I didn't want to argue and said we had decided to stay separate and that's what we should do. His parent have a daughter who refuses to get married and says she will never leave home so we would not have to be worried about anyone looking after his parents. However I still felt that we would always be there for our parents. I felt so strongly about this I tried to call off the engagement but then he changed his mind and said he was sorry. His parents even came to see mine and said they had no problem with us not living with them and they were happy for us. Basically we got married and then everything changed. For months I insisted on ensuring we see both our parents regularly and even call them all round to ours for dinner. Then his parents started getting difficult saying why should they come to ours for dinner - we should go to theirs!! Though we had no problem with this but they just kept making issues. Recently his parents have become very distant and as has he. Bottom line they want us to move in with them. I feel cheated as now I feel they agreed with me before and thought after marriage they can then have it their way! Therefore would really advise you to think about this - not saying the same would happen to you but I feel if an issue arises prior to marriage it may re-surface after.

Good luck with whatever you decide

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