Mom-In-Law Factor....

[Guest B@W]

The Mom-in-law-factor….

Ok so in comparison to everything in the world my problems are zilch! But I would like to post this in gupt because a) I don’t want people to know who I am

b) I would like others to share their advice/experience in an anonymous manner if they so wish

I don’t even know if I should be writing this on a sikhee board but I am just after someone to ‘talk’ too as I have moved from my parents town and left all my family and friends behind.

I am married and live with my in-laws. I like to think I get on well with them and that I am useful to them and help them but my relationship with them is not so good at the moment

I feel that my M-I-L does not really see me as “good enough” for her one and only son; she often makes comments like “too boti ban ke nehi rehndi” and what she means by that is I don’t wear heavy embroidered suits with make-up and jewelry and especially as I don’t wear gold. I’m a dastaar wearing bibi and I don’t feel comfortable wearing such things….if we go to a wedding or a family ‘do’ she expects me to wear gold and if I say “no I am not wearing it” she says “what will people think, that you haven’t got any or that we didn’t buy you any?” and I tell her I don’t care what people say but she doesn’t understand nor does my father-in-law so I usually wear it and then in the car slip it into my handbag when she’s not looking or I will wear a suit with different color embroidery and use the excuse that “the gold doesn’t match”.

She also never really talks to me at home, it’s always silence when there is the two of us; if her son is there, she will always start each sentence she says by saying his name only; also if I am walking in the passageway past her room, or the living room, she will always call my husbands name to ask if that’s him walking past and I always have to tell her “nehi jee mein aa” and then she goes quiet.

Also she doesn’t like me in the kitchen cooking any kind of daal/sabjee and roti…if I start to make roti she comes and takes over and tells me to sit and eat with my husband but if I am making any other food she will never interrupt, I have to practically beg her to let me make daal/sabjee because I do enjoy cooking and my cooking is of a good standard and my husband loves it. It’s almost like she doesn’t want me cooking Punjabi stuff because it might be compared to hers?

I won’t go into great detail but here are some of the things she says and does:

“When a man gets married, his mom wants him to spend all his time with her but his wife wants to spend all her time with him and that’s why the mom and wife become jealous of each other” :umm:

“before you were married, **** used to eat all his meals with us and now he always eats with you and waits for you first and it makes us feel that oh he doesn’t want to eat with us no more” :rolleyes:

Always gossiping on the phone to sister-in-laws and telling them private things e.g. if my husband and I have had a row over something (very rare by the way), always making out that I am bad to my husband which results in his sisters pampering him and being all fakery and affectionate towards him, OTT stuff

Telling my sisters in law that my husband does not spend time with her anymore; I confronted my husband over this and he said “moms just being silly I never spent much time with her before marriage either” (because of work/recreational activities etc)

Not trusting me with things and relying on my sister in law to come to our house to do housework and general household things and even tells sisters in laws kids to do it (this frustrates me because I keep a clean tidy house and then I have to listen to my sister in law moan about how she has to look after her house and then come to ours and do the same)

Always goes quiet when I enter the room when she is talking to my sister in law

Always making plans for the house for example how to decorate it, what to buy for it without consulting me

Telling me it’s about time we had a child now and to leave them in her care to allow me to go back to work straight away after pregnancy when she knows we are having a hard time conceiving

Not being supportive over us wanting to adopt a child.

Calls my mom and tells her to tell us to donate things like fruit to a GuruGhar to heighten the chances of pregnancy

Comparing me to hair-cut girls and saying “they look so pretty”

Opens my mail and blabs my business to everyone before I find out

My relationship with my sisters in law has deteriorated as well and she revels in it; to me she will talk about them and make them look bad and I think she does the same to them about me.

I just feel I don’t have a “life” left, sometimes I feel depressed, moody and upset for no apparent reason but I know my self esteem has declined a lot.

Well the list is not exhaustive, I feel I am a polite and kind person and I don’t do anything that would instigate this behavior from her, but I feel really isolated and almost a stranger in my own home, my husband is great, really loving and caring and I couldn’t have asked for a better partner, we get on really well; when I talk to him about this he feels stuck in the middle so I have tried to forget it and move on, but some days I find it so difficult I feel like banging my head against a brick wall.

[AmarjitKaur]

Bhenji, you are not alone in this situation. Almost all the new brides have to go through this, if they have to live with in-laws and they try to make it work out. When this point comes, is different for different people. With more tolerating and willing to work parties, it comes after few years, and on edgy attitude ones, it comes pretty quickly.

Now how to deal with it when you wanna treat and respect your in-laws like your own parents but they dont' accept you as their own daughter, that is the tough one.

Not being able to conceive, is surely adding the fuel.

see, when there is kid in the house, the environment of the house changes. That change stays for a while until both parties start to dictate that I know better how to raise my kids or grandkids.

When we live together we do step on each others toes a lot. and it does hurt and breaks families apart.

Now what to tell you. I dont' know the clear answer. it is tough situation and is hard to deal with. babaji nu ardaas kariya karo. Kise da bura na chahiyo. Let babaji handle the way that doesn't hurt anybody either. Somethings that we think are out of our control (actually everything is) babaji handles them so well, that it amazes me.

I have been in different tough situations, where I tried to argue and make it work, but I couldn't then I gave up and said in my heart, babaji tusin rakhanhaar ho, sarab kala samrath ho. It did take me a while to realize that I am not in control but HE IS. And now I learnt my lessons that I dont even try to argue to push my point. I give up pretty quickly. Baki babaji nu mere dilaan diyan doonghaiya daa vee pta. Oh suN lainde ne, jo main nahi vee kiha hunda.

So the suggestion would be to stay focused on most naam jap.

And be what you are and not be what you are not.

Dont' think what they are saying. When you come home, Don't try to even cook if she doesn't want you to. Just wash up and do ur nitnem. Come out and tell everybody that you are about to start Sukhmani sahib or some other long bani and turn on the vaheguru music along with so that you cann't even feel others talking and watch babaji's amazing power.

read some good books to uplift you.

And think that there are people in Haiti, in hospitals suffereing, and you are sitting at your home, blessed with cooked food, Pothies to recite bani from, loving husband, all body parts working perfectly.

But I do feel your pain. Give this pain a way out. Start writing some story, poetry, or knitting, or whatever your hobby is which can take your mind off these things. You know its all mind game. again and again I come to the conclusion that "Man jeete jag Jeete". Apne man nu jit layo, keep it occupied and there won't be jang with outside world anymore.

[SunSingh]

Ardass

+

talk openly to your hubbie

+

look for help in sankat mochan granth, there may be a Gurmat method in there to help

[K. SINGH DEEP]

My dear Sister,

My wife(Better to mention her,here as Singhani becoz of an Amritdhari before

marriage ) faced same problem when we were married in APRIL 1980.

After waiting for a week , ( though my wife did not complain me) I discussed the

situation with my father and requested him to stop my mother by doing so. However

after observing no progress in the situation ,I did talk to my MOM on this topic( but not

in presence of my wife becoz she has never discussed the situation with me where as

I was a silent spectator of misbehave of my Mom) .And thereafter the situation was

improving very slowly with my continuous intervention. I may add that my wife never

reciprocated the misbehavior of my Mom,she never complained to me or her parents

or her sister or any other relative and she has always been respecting my Mom like

her own Mom( till death of my Mom in 1989).

And after her death my wife, my father and my self were discuusing on this score and only

than my wife became to know that I improved the situation with regular intervention and

discussion with my Mom, and she was she was very much surprised to know all this.

I have told this story only becoz if some one can get guidance from this real

story it will be a grand success.

Bhul chuk khima ,

Waheguru ji ka Khalsa Waheguru ji ki Fareh.

[buddasingh]

You sound like a thoughtful daughter in law and wife.

When someone knows they are driving you nuts, it gives them a sense of control. You may think you are subtle or passive in response, but think carefully chances are you are giving signals or messages that show you are being affected.

Don't be troubled, accept her as weak for troubling you. Rise above, understand her feelings may be immature in your eyes, but they are human. Also understand that some of the things you describe have real cultural significance for her even if they don't for you. I would be on your side in considering everything she values as rather petty, but understand it is not for her.

Stick to your core values but always be GENUINELY nice to her and DECIDE to be unaffected. Being genuinely nice will make it easier for you to be unaffected.

Not being able to drive you nuts will drive her nuts which may lead her to possibly intensify the problem behavior, but if you still hang in there she will stop. You will likely have a much better relationship after that. It does not have to be perfect. Also know that relationships often mature and most settle into workable healthy relationships after a while.

Regardless of anything else, if there is actually emotional abuse, don't take it. Your husband may be "neutral" but it is his responsibility to oppose that. HUSBANDS out there listen up... it is not the role of a Punjabi wife to be emotionally abused in the home of your family... even though large segments of punjabi culture are thick headed idiots that think this is some kind of acceptable norm. Husbands oppose this...wives don't take it! Family support the daughters with a vengeance!

[Ishkaran]

Your husband may be "neutral" but it is his responsibility to oppose that. HUSBANDS out there listen up... it is not the role of a Punjabi wife to be emotionally abused in the home of your family... even though large segments of punjabi culture are thick headed idiots that think this is some kind of acceptable norm. Husbands oppose this...wives don't take it! Family support the daughters with a vengeance!

+1

[Guest kaur]

Gurfateh jee;

I know how you feel, after marriage its sooo hard adjusting to a new family, living with new people, and leaving your old family behind. Only those who go through it will understand. I understand how you feel in regards to your sister in laws, becuase they are you M I L's daughters and you will never compare to them. But what helped me, is to think about how the husband must feel being stuck in the middle. You are his wfe who he loves immensely, but no one can replace a mother. You have to work on your relationship with your mother in law; its not easy i know that. But your are all living in one house and have to find away to make this work; its a hard job, but its your duty.

Here are some things that worked for me; try going out just you and your sass, shopping, cinemas what ever- just spend some quality time together. Remember this a new relationship for both of you, and relationships take time to build on. Make time in the day to have little chats with your sass, ask how her day has been vice versa.

You said she dont let you cook indian food, so for the time being cook home made english food; do it together in the kitchen, teach hyer new recipies etc. When she is making sabji, daal, pretend you are a novice, ask her for tips etc, ask her to teach you. Do household jobs before your sister in law comes over, do it early in the morning etc, show you make an effort.

When your MIL says/does something to upset you, dont react, go upstairs do japji sahib, calm down and try again. This wont be easy by all means, its gonna take alot of work-but it has to be done. Dont think your alone because evryone goes through this, some worse than others. Dont let it effect your relationship with your husband.

As for you trying to conceive, speak to your MIL, tell her how hard it is for you, and it gets you down etc, and that you would appreciate her support.

These things takes time, dont expect huge changes straight away, but with a bit of effort, patience and faith- you'll see the difference.

Penj, if you want to talk more; give me your email addie.

tc fateh jee

[Guest Kirthy]

Phenji, Put your faith in Waheguru and try to keep yourself

mentally distant from your Mil. Be nice but don't let her get the better off you. She should be ashamed of herself comparing you to girls with cut hair. I would try and mention Sikh values to her. Educate her in as nicely a manner as possible. I have a massive amount of respect for you, I am trying to be a better Sikh but you are one. My Mil would adore you. My ultimate advice is save up and get your own place. The only other thing I can think to do is be strong, Mil's are funny. Mine actually has more respect for me when I stand my ground. I don't tell anyone else about it but if I disagree or want to do it my way I cheerily do it or I get hugely annoyed......I can't help it, I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve. I would not be as nice as you to your Mil I'm afraid.

[VanHelsingh]

Punjabi Sikh Mother-in-laws (the husband's MIL or the wife's MIL)..........the less said the better (and this is coming from a guy). :D

[dalsingh101]

Panjabi MILs!

I tell you they can be the most petty, jealous hate filled people about. Obstructive and often the root cause of serious conflicts between couples...