Jump to content

Rishta problem


Guest Question
 Share

Recommended Posts

Guest Question

So a rishti wali had given my mother a potential match for me to go a visit, the girl ticks all the boxes in what we are looking for, she is tall, pretty, educated and her family are quite well off.

I went to meet her and the family along with my mother, father and two sisters and we thought the family came across nice, the mother of the daughter was a little over bearing but we just put it down to nerves, I had some "alone" time with the girl in the front room and I got to chat a little with her, she seems down to earth and is even more pretty in real life than on the photo, I must admit i do fancy her abit.

after the meet up my mother told the girls mum that we will let them know in a few days time but before that will be doing some check, the girl mum looked abit taken aback that we wanted to do checks but agreed.

anyway long story short, my mother has found out that the girl has an older sister that we were not told about and this sister has been gone from the family for over 10 years now. Apparently she has ran away from home and is own with a Muslim guy. The family hasn't seen her since but I'm not sure if this rishta is right?

i do like the girl but it's strange that her sister ran off, why did she run off, what if the girl is like her sister, I find it worrying that the family of the girl didn't tell us about there other daughter when we asked how many siblings the girl had, they never mentioned the oldest sister.

should we decline the rishta or should I give it the benefit of the doubt and go ahead with the rishta? 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Guest Jacfsing2

You haven't mentioned enough to actually judge to situation, did she run off while she was engaged? 

Just as a note, you can tell that the family doesn't approve of this, especially since they haven't met since her departure. Also judging someone based on what their family is, isn't the right way of going things: like I'm an Amritdhari and my family isn't. (Should I be judged that they haven't taken Amrit?)

If you trust her the person, go and say yes, if not say no, but don't waste everyone's time, (in most traditional Subcontinental Rishte you have to make the decision then and there, this family has already been lenient enough to wait long enough).

Link to comment
Share on other sites

1 hour ago, Jacfsing2 said:

(in most traditional Subcontinental Rishte you have to make the decision then and there, this family has already been lenient enough to wait long enough).

There and then? Says who? Don't be silly, that was like 30years ago, you can have time to decide, it's a decision that affects the rest of your life, and it would be stupid to expect to give an answer on the spot. Same goes for the girls side too. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

If there's doubt, then bring this issue to an end amicably and without any form of tamasha. You don't have to burn your bridges.

An overbearing female presence was the first alarm. That type of woman usually unwittingly transfers her behavioural patterns to her daughters. If the girl you're interested in, through no fault of her own, believes that's the norm in all families you WILL be dominated and pushed around after marriage. Her initial docility and agreeable behaviour is standard procedure when hoping to attract a partner through the Punjabi engagement framework. It's a facade that will be discarded once the relationship has been solidified.

The missing sister admittedly is none of your business at this stage, but now that you know, it's another warning signal. Don't let your male brain lure you into something unsavoury because you find the girl attractive. Whilst it would be unfair to tar all siblings with the same brush due to the actions of one, you need to judge the situation in a manner that goes beyond, "She's fit so she's perfect in every way." Are you capable of adjudging a woman's relative strengths and weaknesses dispassionately? 

Hopefully you're strong enough to listen to those doubtful voices that moved you to create this topic, but something tells me you're hoping for replies to encourage you to go ahead with the engagement. I hope I'm wrong. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

On 4/18/2017 at 10:14 PM, Guest Question said:

So a rishti wali had given my mother a potential match for me to go a visit, the girl ticks all the boxes in what we are looking for, she is tall, pretty, educated and her family are quite well off.

I went to meet her and the family along with my mother, father and two sisters and we thought the family came across nice, the mother of the daughter was a little over bearing but we just put it down to nerves, I had some "alone" time with the girl in the front room and I got to chat a little with her, she seems down to earth and is even more pretty in real life than on the photo, I must admit i do fancy her abit.

after the meet up my mother told the girls mum that we will let them know in a few days time but before that will be doing some check, the girl mum looked abit taken aback that we wanted to do checks but agreed.

anyway long story short, my mother has found out that the girl has an older sister that we were not told about and this sister has been gone from the family for over 10 years now. Apparently she has ran away from home and is own with a Muslim guy. The family hasn't seen her since but I'm not sure if this rishta is right?

i do like the girl but it's strange that her sister ran off, why did she run off, what if the girl is like her sister, I find it worrying that the family of the girl didn't tell us about there other daughter when we asked how many siblings the girl had, they never mentioned the oldest sister.

should we decline the rishta or should I give it the benefit of the doubt and go ahead with the rishta? 

 

Where about is the location of this Ristha? 

The reason I ask is because if its from certain parts of Birmingham or Bradford I would stay clear. People from those parts have a bad reputation.Also you mention the older girl has run off.  Siblings tend to mimic each other and as the younger of the siblings she may have learnt bad traits from the older sibling such as dating around ect.  I cant say for certain that is the case but you must proceed with caution. It was also bad that they were not upfront with the older sibling. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Guest Jacfsing2
20 minutes ago, simran345 said:

There and then? Says who? Don't be silly, that was like 30years ago, you can have time to decide, it's a decision that affects the rest of your life, and it would be stupid to expect to give an answer on the spot. Same goes for the girls side too. 

? That was meant to be silly, (you can tell that I'm saying the truth since I'm straight-up). But what I will say is this and this is legit none of that joke ?: you can live with someone your entire life and not know a single thing about them.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

8 minutes ago, Jacfsing2 said:

? That was meant to be silly, (you can tell that I'm saying the truth since I'm straight-up). But what I will say is this and this is legit none of that joke ?: you can live with someone your entire life and not know a single thing about them.

That's true also. But as life goes on you do get to know them more, which is what happens mostly after marriage. Before, you will only know bits and bobs. 

@Jacfsing2, by the way, don't you ever sleep over there. When it's our day, you're online then. Chakkar ki a ? ?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Guest Jacfsing2
10 minutes ago, simran345 said:

@Jacfsing2, by the way, don't you ever sleep over there. When it's our day, you're online then. Chakkar ki a ? ?

It's a little bit before Noon. (I have to wake-up early for college most of the time, so right now it's considered late morning for me).

13 minutes ago, simran345 said:

That's true also. But as life goes on you do get to know them more, which is what happens mostly after marriage. Before, you will only know bits and bobs. 

I agree, but sometimes there are times when I feel like I don't even know who I am. So forget anyone else, I feel like I know myself, but when I see people much better than me, (this isn't me being humble), I realize how little I know about myself.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You are posting as a guest. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Loading...
 Share


  • advertisement_alt
  • advertisement_alt
  • advertisement_alt


  • Topics

  • Posts

    • Instead of a 9 inch or larger kirpan, take a smaller kirpan and put it (without gatra) inside your smaller turban and tie the turban tightly. This keeps a kirpan on your person without interfering with the massage or alarming the masseuse. I'm not talking about a trinket but rather an actual small kirpan that fits in a sheath (you'll have to search to find one). As for ahem, "problems", you could get a male masseuse. I don't know where you are, but in most places there are professional masseuses who actually know what they are doing and can really relieve your muscle pains.
    • Good way of putting it, bro. One of the ongoing themes of Gurbani is the fake saint. Whether it's fake babas in Punjab or English-speaking personalities in the West, it's an continuing problem of religion through the centuries (and it's not exclusive to us by any means, this applies to all human societies).
    • First of all, while it's true that Gurbani says slandering a Saint has such-and-such effects, you can't do the reverse: You can't look and your situation and know for certain what caused it. We're not encouraged to mope over our situations but rather to accept the hukam (will). The last line of the very first pauri of Japji Sahib says to live in hukam: ਹੁਕਮਿ ਰਜਾਈ ਚਲਣਾ ਨਾਨਕ ਲਿਖਿਆ ਨਾਲਿ ॥੧॥ hukam rajāī chalanā nānak likhiā nāl .1. O Nanak! By obeying, the pre-ordained order of the Lord's will. Secondly, the astpadhi from which you quoted the Sant ka dokhi verses has this verse at the end: ਜਿਸ ਨੋ ਕ੍ਰਿਪਾ ਕਰੈ ਤਿਸੁ ਆਪਨ ਨਾਮੁ ਦੇਇ ॥ jis nō kripā karai tis āpan nām dēi . God gives His Name to those unto whom He shows His mercy. So ask for his mercy. Also check out the 7th Astpadi, which talks about the good effects of the sangat of a Sadhu: https://khojgurbani.com/shabad/271/709?highlighted_scripture_id=12007&highlighted_scripture_lang=gurmukhi&selected_content=gurbani I'm not getting into who is a "true" Sadhu in this post.
    • In langar it should be common sense for peopel to find a suitable space to sit. Normally in my local Singh Sabha gurdwara, there is enough space to sit, so I am able to find a space with enough space away from other people. There have been a few times, where there has been a lot of sangat and I have been forced onto a table.  In Slough and Southall Singh Sabha, Park Avenue, I will just sit near another group of men unless I am with family, but again there shouldn't be strict gender separation and instead common sense logic.
    • Yeh I could do to be honest. It's not really chardikala to be coming from the diwan hall and then sangat putting on shoes to go langar. I like sitting in the gurdwara with family, and there are spaces for this in bigger gurdwaras such as Slough, Southall, Coventry. In my current local area gurdwaras this is not really possible for weekly sangat, and also not for sangrand and gurpurb. Need to complain about these tendikalaUK practices  to be UK chardikala Singhs! 
×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

Terms of Use