Rishta problem

[Guest Question]

So a rishti wali had given my mother a potential match for me to go a visit, the girl ticks all the boxes in what we are looking for, she is tall, pretty, educated and her family are quite well off.

I went to meet her and the family along with my mother, father and two sisters and we thought the family came across nice, the mother of the daughter was a little over bearing but we just put it down to nerves, I had some "alone" time with the girl in the front room and I got to chat a little with her, she seems down to earth and is even more pretty in real life than on the photo, I must admit i do fancy her abit.

after the meet up my mother told the girls mum that we will let them know in a few days time but before that will be doing some check, the girl mum looked abit taken aback that we wanted to do checks but agreed.

anyway long story short, my mother has found out that the girl has an older sister that we were not told about and this sister has been gone from the family for over 10 years now. Apparently she has ran away from home and is own with a Muslim guy. The family hasn't seen her since but I'm not sure if this rishta is right?

i do like the girl but it's strange that her sister ran off, why did she run off, what if the girl is like her sister, I find it worrying that the family of the girl didn't tell us about there other daughter when we asked how many siblings the girl had, they never mentioned the oldest sister.

should we decline the rishta or should I give it the benefit of the doubt and go ahead with the rishta? 

[Guest Jacfsing2]

You haven't mentioned enough to actually judge to situation, did she run off while she was engaged? 

Just as a note, you can tell that the family doesn't approve of this, especially since they haven't met since her departure. Also judging someone based on what their family is, isn't the right way of going things: like I'm an Amritdhari and my family isn't. (Should I be judged that they haven't taken Amrit?)

If you trust her the person, go and say yes, if not say no, but don't waste everyone's time, (in most traditional Subcontinental Rishte you have to make the decision then and there, this family has already been lenient enough to wait long enough).

[simran345]

1 hour ago, Jacfsing2 said:

(in most traditional Subcontinental Rishte you have to make the decision then and there, this family has already been lenient enough to wait long enough).

There and then? Says who? Don't be silly, that was like 30years ago, you can have time to decide, it's a decision that affects the rest of your life, and it would be stupid to expect to give an answer on the spot. Same goes for the girls side too. 

[Balait_da_Sher]

Think of it this way, if she was going to run off then she would have already. You have an advantage here, your potential wife here is going to be more considerate because her family had already gone through a lot of hassle already. 

Bottom line, you shouldn't judge her or her family because of one family member.

[MisterrSingh]

If there's doubt, then bring this issue to an end amicably and without any form of tamasha. You don't have to burn your bridges.

An overbearing female presence was the first alarm. That type of woman usually unwittingly transfers her behavioural patterns to her daughters. If the girl you're interested in, through no fault of her own, believes that's the norm in all families you WILL be dominated and pushed around after marriage. Her initial docility and agreeable behaviour is standard procedure when hoping to attract a partner through the Punjabi engagement framework. It's a facade that will be discarded once the relationship has been solidified.

The missing sister admittedly is none of your business at this stage, but now that you know, it's another warning signal. Don't let your male brain lure you into something unsavoury because you find the girl attractive. Whilst it would be unfair to tar all siblings with the same brush due to the actions of one, you need to judge the situation in a manner that goes beyond, "She's fit so she's perfect in every way." Are you capable of adjudging a woman's relative strengths and weaknesses dispassionately? 

Hopefully you're strong enough to listen to those doubtful voices that moved you to create this topic, but something tells me you're hoping for replies to encourage you to go ahead with the engagement. I hope I'm wrong. 

[Big_Tera]

On 4/18/2017 at 10:14 PM, Guest Question said:

So a rishti wali had given my mother a potential match for me to go a visit, the girl ticks all the boxes in what we are looking for, she is tall, pretty, educated and her family are quite well off.

I went to meet her and the family along with my mother, father and two sisters and we thought the family came across nice, the mother of the daughter was a little over bearing but we just put it down to nerves, I had some "alone" time with the girl in the front room and I got to chat a little with her, she seems down to earth and is even more pretty in real life than on the photo, I must admit i do fancy her abit.

after the meet up my mother told the girls mum that we will let them know in a few days time but before that will be doing some check, the girl mum looked abit taken aback that we wanted to do checks but agreed.

anyway long story short, my mother has found out that the girl has an older sister that we were not told about and this sister has been gone from the family for over 10 years now. Apparently she has ran away from home and is own with a Muslim guy. The family hasn't seen her since but I'm not sure if this rishta is right?

i do like the girl but it's strange that her sister ran off, why did she run off, what if the girl is like her sister, I find it worrying that the family of the girl didn't tell us about there other daughter when we asked how many siblings the girl had, they never mentioned the oldest sister.

should we decline the rishta or should I give it the benefit of the doubt and go ahead with the rishta? 

 

Where about is the location of this Ristha? 

The reason I ask is because if its from certain parts of Birmingham or Bradford I would stay clear. People from those parts have a bad reputation.Also you mention the older girl has run off.  Siblings tend to mimic each other and as the younger of the siblings she may have learnt bad traits from the older sibling such as dating around ect.  I cant say for certain that is the case but you must proceed with caution. It was also bad that they were not upfront with the older sibling. 

[Guest Jacfsing2]

20 minutes ago, simran345 said:

There and then? Says who? Don't be silly, that was like 30years ago, you can have time to decide, it's a decision that affects the rest of your life, and it would be stupid to expect to give an answer on the spot. Same goes for the girls side too. 

? That was meant to be silly, (you can tell that I'm saying the truth since I'm straight-up). But what I will say is this and this is legit none of that joke ?: you can live with someone your entire life and not know a single thing about them.

[simran345]

The reason they didn't tell about their older daughter is they haven't seen her since, and didn't think it was relevant to their daughter's rishta, as they have probably disowned her. And the other reason is because they would feel ashamed about her, and they would have thought if they do, then it wouldn't portray their family in a good light, thus may have negative thoughts towards her other daughter, due to the older one. 

[simran345]

8 minutes ago, Jacfsing2 said:

? That was meant to be silly, (you can tell that I'm saying the truth since I'm straight-up). But what I will say is this and this is legit none of that joke ?: you can live with someone your entire life and not know a single thing about them.

That's true also. But as life goes on you do get to know them more, which is what happens mostly after marriage. Before, you will only know bits and bobs. 

@Jacfsing2, by the way, don't you ever sleep over there. When it's our day, you're online then. Chakkar ki a ? ?

[Guest Jacfsing2]

10 minutes ago, simran345 said:

@Jacfsing2, by the way, don't you ever sleep over there. When it's our day, you're online then. Chakkar ki a ? ?

It's a little bit before Noon. (I have to wake-up early for college most of the time, so right now it's considered late morning for me).

13 minutes ago, simran345 said:

That's true also. But as life goes on you do get to know them more, which is what happens mostly after marriage. Before, you will only know bits and bobs. 

I agree, but sometimes there are times when I feel like I don't even know who I am. So forget anyone else, I feel like I know myself, but when I see people much better than me, (this isn't me being humble), I realize how little I know about myself.