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AjeetSingh2019

Wife graduates from passive-aggressive to full blown aggressive behavior and creates chaos in family

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The incident happened few days back. It was afternoon. Dad called mom , but mom was bathing after doing household chores , so she couldn't pick call. Then dad called my wife and asked her "What all has pantry run out of . Let me know." to which my wife replied "I don't know . Mom might be knowing" to which my dad got pissed off and said "How come you don't know ? you too work in kitchen. are you just there to eat" . My wife got sulked out of this and maintained the typical 'fat face' till evening. She could have ignored dad's scoldings and even learned from it . But apparently father in law is only good when he brings good things for her and he does always . When my mom asked her to go together to gurudwara in the evening, she replied with a rude "NO !" . Later that day when dad came home after a day of hard work, he again scolded my wife (but as her father) 

The thing is my wife has missed her monthly date and we thought she's conceiving . But she didn't tell me much about her stomach aches . It was kinda bearable for her, but on that night when she was scolded, she all of a sudden develops tough pains unbearable and moves around the bed as if in excruciating pain . I was shocked at the sudden development of her pain and was not prepared for it . Next day she calls her parents and says "I got infection in my stomach since several days  and they're not getting me medicines" . Her mom dad prefered to call her aunt (who lives in same city as us) rather than calling my mom dad or me for first hand information. Her dad was apparently sobbing over the phone to her aunt "Please go take care for her" as if we're hitlers and torturing her ! 

Next day , she gets into petty arguments with non-stop arguments over my mom and my mom is crying to me over the phone while I am in office . I also talked to my wife to bring her to sense, but she has this heightened sense of 'entitlement' without displaying her own sense of responsibilites. She always thinks my mom is conspiring in my ears against her , but its never so . My mom loved her more than her mother can (remember the golden ring to chain thing ?) BTW, when my mom did emphasize to her how much we do love her and gold chain is just one example of it, she thought we're enumerating things now , and she would rather prefer not to wear such things as "ehsaan" did on her. She removed the gold chain and kept it somewhere . She accused my mom of not loving her as a daughter , conveniently forgetting half of her daily chores are done by mom just so that she can learn english and make-up courses which mom herself encouraged me to enrol her into .

Later that day when I come home, I give her a convenient dressing down , but she as usual in her rude tone continued to speak in a loud volume , against me and my mom . The thing about my dad is he's doing a lot of earning for our family and supplementing my salary, to which we're certainly grateful to him . But at the same time, he tends to take my wife's side almost always. So our home ends up having two teams , one is me and mom , another is dad taking my wife's side. 

I called her sister and asked her, she was taking my wife's side and said "She's a child , so what if she does something bad. She makes mistakes" . But its all hypocrisy. 

When I talked to her parents, their pendu gavaar parents said I and my mom were at fault obviously and her mom told me "You took away our girl from us , atleast visit sometime. I will take my girl for 3 months. If you can't get her treatment, we will" 

I was flabbergasted by our image created in their minds. Next day her pregnancy test did come positive and we took her to a gynaecologist and spent several thousand bucks into her blood tests. But , oh we're so bad !! 

 

Edited by AjeetSingh2019

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There's a punjabi saying a clap takes two hands tomake. Thadi do haathaan nal vajdi hai ....

You all have Played your parts in this , your father did speak in a kaurda way and that triggered the argument, she's probably stressing abour missing her period. FIrst child , studies impacted la la la ...yes she was wrong to take her anger out on your MUm  and for making up stuff to get your folks into her familiy's bad books but it is childish retaliation(getting her folks to fight her battles)

. I don't know if you were wise to get pregnant so soon after marriage as you both have obviously not gotten over issues and built understanding but too late now. What you interpreted as accusations of hitler like behaviour by your in-laws wasnothing of the sort they approached their family member to go visit as an indirect move to NOT offend you . Imagine if they had come straight to you and started asking questions wouldn't that have been more confrontational and escalating ? They asked the Aunt to go visit because they also probaly don't believe the situation is as bad as your missus portrays remember they lived with her for years. 

Your Mum needs to lay down the law by giving your missus specific responsibilities in the household. Perhaps expecting her to track pantry and help menu plan every week ,and start cooking meals , I mean she is at home in the evenings and weekends at least . Until she starts doing real  housework she will continue acting like a guest. I am guessing your Mum is possesive of the rasoi most Mum's are , plan with her how she wants things to run.  Your Mum crying on shoulder is a sign that she is expecting you to be liasion , you need to engagein that task butexplain to your Mum that being too softhearted will only end up with her getting hurt she needs to toughen up a bit.

I have already spoken on the mistake of the gold chain ... it will continue to be a point of contention if and only if you let it, a gift is no longer your business once it is given and yet you are all focussed on it, why?

you can barely conceal your contempt of her family and yet you question why your missus feels defensive , no one is that stupid that they cannot pick up on your indefensible vibe, rudeness and language , what about your duty to respect them as your own parents? If you cannot do that then don't expect it of your wife. Sikhi demands it of BOTH of you, so get with the program, they are entitled to worry about their daughter,maybe you don't realise how many nasty people there are out there it's natural for them to be worried; be forgiving and reassure them.

You are not the only family to have a nou who is slightly dodgy, yes they can try to play the victim but the way outof that is be better and stick to decent behaviour don't engage in her spats just rise above that behaviour , Mum toughen up, stop calling to work, Dad don't speak harshly but firmly , and you stop be prejudiced against her folks , visit them , talk to them . If you become visible for them and they can form their own opinion then her manipulative powers will be eliminated. As a family sing from same songsheet , be decent but not pushovers,ensure your child comes into a happy home

Edited by jkvlondon

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43 minutes ago, jkvlondon said:

There's a punjabi saying a clap takes two hands tomake. Thadi do haathaan nal vajdi hai ....

You all have Played your parts in this , your father did speak in a kaurda way and that triggered the argument, she's probably stressing abour missing her period. FIrst child , studies impacted la la la ...yes she was wrong to take her anger out on your MUm  and for making up stuff to get your folks into her familiy's bad books but it is childish retaliation(getting her folks to fight her battles)

. I don't know if you were wise to get pregnant so soon after marriage as you both have obviously not gotten over issues and built understanding but too late now. What you interpreted as accusations of hitler like behaviour by your in-laws wasnothing of the sort they approached their family member to go visit as an indirect move to NOT offend you . Imagine if they had come straight to you and started asking questions wouldn't that have been more confrontational and escalating ? They asked the Aunt to go visit because they also probaly don't believe the situation is as bad as your missus portrays remember they lived with her for years. 

Your Mum needs to lay down the law by giving your missus specific responsibilities in the household. Perhaps expecting her to track pantry and help menu plan every week ,and start cooking meals , I mean she is at home in the evenings and weekends at least . Until she starts doing real  housework she will continue acting like a guest. I am guessing your Mum is possesive of the rasoi most Mum's are , plan with her how she wants things to run.  Your Mum crying on shoulder is a sign that she is expecting you to be liasion , you need to engagein that task butexplain to your Mum that being too softhearted will only end up with her getting hurt she needs to toughen up a bit.

I have already spoken on the mistake of the gold chain ... it will continue to be a point of contention if and only if you let it, a gift is no longer your business once it is given and yet you are all focussed on it, why?

you can barely conceal your contempt of her family and yet you question why your missus feels defensive , no one is that stupid that they cannot pick up on your indefensible vibe, rudeness and language , what about your duty to respect them as your own parents? If you cannot do that then don't expect it of your wife. Sikhi demands it of BOTH of you, so get with the program, they are entitled to worry about their daughter,maybe you don't realise how many nasty people there are out there it's natural for them to be worried; be forgiving and reassure them.

You are not the only family to have a nou who is slightly dodgy, yes they can try to play the victim but the way outof that is be better and stick to decent behaviour don't engage in her spats just rise above that behaviour , Mum toughen up, stop calling to work, Dad don't speak harshly but firmly , and you stop be prejudiced against her folks , visit them , talk to them . If you become visible for them and they can form their own opinion then her manipulative powers will be eliminated. As a family sing from same songsheet , be decent but not pushovers,ensure your child comes into a happy home

Actually I was expecting this sort of response from you. You're just saying this insensible crrapp cos ur a woman. And you have been infested with the virus of feminazism and are now spreading it to other women.

You are just like her sister, defending all that crrapp, and not questioning her even for a moment. 

And for God's sake, stop peddling your nonsensical irresponsible attitude as Sikhi. Lmao

Do u have a son . If yes, then we will talk when the nooh Rani comes lol

Edited by AjeetSingh2019

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52 minutes ago, AjeetSingh2019 said:

Actually I was expecting this sort of response from you. You're just saying this insensible crrapp cos ur a woman. And you have been infested with the virus of feminazism and are now spreading it to other women.

You are just like her sister, defending all that crrapp, and not questioning her even for a moment. 

And for God's sake, stop peddling your nonsensical irresponsible attitude as Sikhi. Lmao

Do u have a son . If yes, then we will talk when the nooh Rani comes lol

Should have guessed , you are never going to look from all sides, you can choose to make things better for all or carry on the downward spiral . She is studying on your Mum's suggestion , so yes she is not available during study time what was wrong in saying assign her responsibilities when she is at home?

What is wrong in suggesting you show respect to your elders?

What is foolish in saying don't play her games of arguing but rising above it and sticking to better behaviour ?

Honestly, you have come here to complain only , expecting people to agree and tell you its OK to be cruel and that is the crux of the matter , it is clear from how you have continually denigrated her family fron before you even got married that you have not changed or given any thought to changing your outlook. 

She is small potatoes behaviourwise and yet you cannot get your head around that fact ,other people have had worse in their families and have resolved matters amicably ,so I know how bad it could be. That is not feminism that is real world experience and desire to resolve the situation to a better footing. Yes she has been rude TOO and I have not defended her because I do not know her side , but suggested doing some small steps that could change the atmosphere.

You have displayed somewhat a misogynistic entitled attitude in the past even to the extent that you expected the other to think of you as special just because you are guy's family  I put it down to youthful ignorance and living in India where its constantly the theme that women are dispensible . Nobody's special just for existing... Not men, not women

BTW I have three sons and yes I am dealing with possible nou raniaan , but you seem to forget I've been nou for over 23 years and have two bhabhian in my household and further ones in extended family. Women usually are at the coalface of family so have intimate experience of making and also breaking homes, thankfully I was always taught to maintain and mend by my bazurg .

Edited by jkvlondon

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16 minutes ago, MisterrSingh said:

 

No. Please stop joking on my personal life issue. I m here to seek advices, but not like this. Was expecting some nice mature answer by Misterrsingh with his analytical mind. 

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7 hours ago, AjeetSingh2019 said:

The incident happened few days back. It was afternoon. Dad called mom , but mom was bathing after doing household chores , so she couldn't pick call. Then dad called my wife and asked her "What all has pantry run out of . Let me know." to which my wife replied "I don't know . Mom might be knowing" to which my dad got pissed off and said "How come you don't know ? you too work in kitchen. are you just there to eat" . My wife got sulked out of this and maintained the typical 'fat face' till evening. She could have ignored dad's scoldings and even learned from it . But apparently father in law is only good when he brings good things for her and he does always . When my mom asked her to go together to gurudwara in the evening, she replied with a rude "NO !" . Later that day when dad came home after a day of hard work, he again scolded my wife (but as her father) 

The thing is my wife has missed her monthly date and we thought she's conceiving . But she didn't tell me much about her stomach aches . It was kinda bearable for her, but on that night when she was scolded, she all of a sudden develops tough pains unbearable and moves around the bed as if in excruciating pain . I was shocked at the sudden development of her pain and was not prepared for it . Next day she calls her parents and says "I got infection in my stomach since several days  and they're not getting me medicines" . Her mom dad prefered to call her aunt (who lives in same city as us) rather than calling my mom dad or me for first hand information. Her dad was apparently sobbing over the phone to her aunt "Please go take care for her" as if we're hitlers and torturing her ! 

Next day , she gets into petty arguments with non-stop arguments over my mom and my mom is crying to me over the phone while I am in office . I also talked to my wife to bring her to sense, but she has this heightened sense of 'entitlement' without displaying her own sense of responsibilites. She always thinks my mom is conspiring in my ears against her , but its never so . My mom loved her more than her mother can (remember the golden ring to chain thing ?) BTW, when my mom did emphasize to her how much we do love her and gold chain is just one example of it, she thought we're enumerating things now , and she would rather prefer not to wear such things as "ehsaan" did on her. She removed the gold chain and kept it somewhere . She accused my mom of not loving her as a daughter , conveniently forgetting half of her daily chores are done by mom just so that she can learn english and make-up courses which mom herself encouraged me to enrol her into .

Later that day when I come home, I give her a convenient dressing down , but she as usual in her rude tone continued to speak in a loud volume , against me and my mom . The thing about my dad is he's doing a lot of earning for our family and supplementing my salary, to which we're certainly grateful to him . But at the same time, he tends to take my wife's side almost always. So our home ends up having two teams , one is me and mom , another is dad taking my wife's side. 

I called her sister and asked her, she was taking my wife's side and said "She's a child , so what if she does something bad. She makes mistakes" . But its all hypocrisy. 

When I talked to her parents, their pendu gavaar parents said I and my mom were at fault obviously and her mom told me "You took away our girl from us , atleast visit sometime. I will take my girl for 3 months. If you can't get her treatment, we will" 

I was flabbergasted by our image created in their minds. Next day her pregnancy test did come positive and we took her to a gynaecologist and spent several thousand bucks into her blood tests. But , oh we're so bad !! 

 

Ajeet, all families have squabbles and will argue over the pettiest of things.

You need to rise above this.

You need to hold your frame. Too much emotion and you need to approach things with a cool rational manner. 

Your wife will never appreciate the sacrifices you or your family made to give her a good life. You and your folks are bending over backwards to acommodate her needs.

Sometimes the worst thing one can do is give things to someone else on a silver platter. It is better one earns it, only then will it be appreciated. 

Your wife is immature child and it looks likes to create drama. With some women if they don't have drama, they will create it.

You are also giving the one thing women cherish greatly. That is attention. 

You need to cut back the attention. 

You need to take her off the pedestal and think of her as a child.

That is the approach you need to take.

You need to take the reigns and show some leadership. 

First step, suck out the emotion, think with a cool calm manner. 

Second step, give her less attention. If she pulls a tantrum, ignore her and don't let it get to you.

Third step, you don't need to give her a dressing down. You just need to say "This (fill in the blanks) is not acceptable behaviour" in a calm manner and you don't need to say anymore than that.

If she starts rabbiting on, let her. Do not let it phase you. Just go about your business. 

If you wish to say something just say "I am going for walk, we can talk when you have calm down" and walk away.

See if this works.

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14 minutes ago, MisterrSingh said:

 

He is a dinosaur from an era that thinks slapping a woman's backside should be taken as a compliment... SMH

I thought we are sikhs and should listen to Guru ji

He said not hit, harass, or swear at a woman EVER ..if you seriously are that triggered by someone who is shorter, weaker and lighter than you i.e. Non competition what does that say about you as a person

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4 minutes ago, jkvlondon said:

He is a dinosaur from an era that thinks slapping a woman's backside should be taken as a compliment... SMH

I thought we are sikhs and should listen to Guru ji

He said not hit, harass, or swear at a woman EVER ..if you seriously are that triggered by someone who is shorter, weaker and lighter than you i.e. Non competition what does that say about you as a person

Someone should remind them they're shorter, weaker, and lighter than the men they square up to.  😂

I think there's some validity in the bachchan of Sant Sean Connery Edinburgh Wale. Dhan Sant Ji! 😀

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7 minutes ago, MisterrSingh said:

Someone should remind them they're shorter, weaker, and lighter than the men they square up to.  😂

I think there's some validity in the bachchan of Sant Sean Connery Edinburgh Wale. Dhan Sant Ji! 😀

Basically the big guy's got the option of leaving her to stew also whilst he turns on his heel and chills elsewhere or invite her to get the first hit in whilst pushing her back on the forehead ( my kid bros used to do this alot when babybbro would get riled)😉

Napolean syndrome's a thing ya know

Edited by jkvlondon

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Are you not gay? So you putting this lady through all this and for what a lie? Why get married? And if you say to please your parents that is not an adult response. This whole situation could of been avoided.

Edited by Redoptics
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1 hour ago, Redoptics said:

Are you not gay? So you putting this lady through all this and for what a lie? Why get married? And if you say to please your parents that is not an adult response. This whole situation could of been avoided.

This is why I am incredulous at his attitude , he knows that he would never love her but thinks she should feel grateful for being the chadar that saves his family's image . She is the bad one, the stupid one etc etc however he should look on his own sense of entitlement and justification of simply using her body to produce the next generation , can he not find his humanity and show her care, empathy, respect for being the mother of his kid? 

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Just now, jkvlondon said:

This is why I am incredulous at his attitude , he knows that he would never love her but thinks she should feel grateful for being the chadar that saves his family's image . She is the bad one, the stupid one etc etc however he should look on his own sense of entitlement and justification of simply using her body to produce the next generation , can he not find his humanity and show her care, empathy, respect for being the mother of his kid? 

Yeah sad state of affairs to be honest, poor lass thinks it's bad now, imagine when she finds out because eventually she will find out. 

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1 minute ago, Redoptics said:

Yeah sad state of affairs to be honest, poor lass thinks it's bad now, imagine when she finds out because eventually she will find out. 

I suspect she has an inkling  that something is up, people talk

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