Unhappily married

[Guest Feeling defeated]

I am so unhappily married. My husband is very rude, selfish, lacks any compassion and his he has a lot of hankar. He comes from a broken family his parents are divorced and it shows, his communication and respect for anything I do or go through is so low- basically he isn’t appreciative or supportive even if I give birth or lose a loved one, he’s not there emotionally. He was shown no love as a child and he isn’t capable of showing love.

I don’t want to divorce because it’s going to be tough on my kids and I do not want them ending up twisted like him and his siblings which are a product of divorce.

I just feel like I am stuck.

I am trying to keep up my sikhi, do Amrit vela, he does nothing so I feel even if I try to better myself and beat my krodh or ego he doesn’t do nothing changes.

Am I meant to just accept this is my hukam based on my own karma and keep quiet and deal with it? It’s hard to even have a good mind myself when I am with someone who jus always provoking me.

[Guest Kabeer]

*Deleted*

[puzzled 3,642]

On 12/27/2020 at 7:10 PM, Guest Feeling defeated said:

ending up twisted like him and his siblings which are a product of divorce.

A bit stereotypical there, though many people from broken families do end up emotionally unstable and in troubled relationships themselves, many see the shortcomings of their parents, the negative impact it has, and aspire to create successful and happy relationships for themselves, and many do ... 

 

[GurjantGnostic 1,026]

On 12/27/2020 at 11:10 AM, Guest Feeling defeated said:

I am so unhappily married. My husband is very rude, selfish, lacks any compassion and his he has a lot of hankar. He comes from a broken family his parents are divorced and it shows, his communication and respect for anything I do or go through is so low- basically he isn’t appreciative or supportive even if I give birth or lose a loved one, he’s not there emotionally. He was shown no love as a child and he isn’t capable of showing love.

I don’t want to divorce because it’s going to be tough on my kids and I do not want them ending up twisted like him and his siblings which are a product of divorce.

I just feel like I am stuck.

I am trying to keep up my sikhi, do Amrit vela, he does nothing so I feel even if I try to better myself and beat my krodh or ego he doesn’t do nothing changes.

Am I meant to just accept this is my hukam based on my own karma and keep quiet and deal with it? It’s hard to even have a good mind myself when I am with someone who jus always provoking me.

Sorry to hear you're going through that Bhenji. All I can think is invest yourself in loving Gurbani and Vaheguru Akal Purakh and those around you capable of reciprocating love. Whatever healthy habits and passions you can form and engage in do and perhaps he will be uplifted. If not uplifted left to his own way while you know and experience joy. 

[Guest Guest Kaur]

Sorry to hear this...

My husband swears and calls me horrible words daily. I honestly thought I was marrying someone of high regard but their true colours show when your married to them. They think it's okay to speak in such way, when I challenge him about it, he says he's dukhi. Pathetic excuse. I wish I had never married him. I honestly regret it and its a mistake I am stuck with until one of us passes. 

All I can suggest is that you set a good example  to your children.  Stick with Amrit Vela.

 

 

 

[Guest Feeling defeated]

4 hours ago, Guest Guest Kaur said:

Sorry to hear this...

My husband swears and calls me horrible words daily. I honestly thought I was marrying someone of high regard but their true colours show when your married to them. They think it's okay to speak in such way, when I challenge him about it, he says he's dukhi. Pathetic excuse. I wish I had never married him. I honestly regret it and its a mistake I am stuck with until one of us passes. 

All I can suggest is that you set a good example  to your children.  Stick with Amrit Vela.

 

 

 

I feel your pain. The whole I’m stuck until one of us passes is also something I feel often which is really sad way of living. 
 

I hope it gets better for you.

 

[Guest Feeling defeated]

23 hours ago, Guest guest said:

instead of trying to change him, try and understand him.  have some humility and stop demanding things from him.

concentrate on your own flaws- why are you so bothered by him?  say he is not emotionally supportive- so what?  why do you demand emotional support from him?  get it from God.

your nitnem and Amrit vela are your private thing to show respect for God.  its not a 'bribe' to make things go your way.

 

it’s not a flaw to expect a husband to be a husband. Especially if born in a western country in the 80s. Everyone’s educated to a level to know what being kind is. You live together you need to get on and atleast be there for one another. Especially in times like covid when you have no other company. What is your actual dictionary meaning of marriage as I’m really surprised by your response.
 

demanding things? I feel like I’ve hit a nerve in your own personal life and your making assumptions for me. 
 

I don’t do Amrit vela for a bribe (not even sure what the bribe your are suggesting is?) I do it because Waheguru is my strength and has removed any mental health problems I was feeling as a result of this marriage. I do it because I want to go to him and not be reincarnated and come back to this. I do it because it’s what my Soul and Waheguru want me to do. 
What I was trying to say Incase I need to reiterate it for your- I’m trying to better my own mind but it’s difficult when the other person isn’t. For example I don’t want to argue but he does and will and won’t stop until there is one. I guess I just have to accept i was probably really bad to him in my past life. 

[S1ngh 1,806]

Sehaj, compromise, counseling using gurmat principles are important to save any Sikh marriage. I have seen countless of my friends who are divorced and sadly they all are religious type of friends. I see sehaj, forgiving nature and compromise(not in religion) the only way to save any marriage. As long as there is no physical abuse, i would strongly suggest all couples to stay put together and don't give up easily. 

All rishtay are temporary. This world is temporary. Waheguru jee is only with us and will stay with us regardless of good or bad time. Sisters like in this thread has immense support from sikh brothers like me and others here. As in punjabi saying; Dukh vellay Ardas, Sukh vellay Sukharana.

[Guest Kabeer]

On 12/31/2020 at 3:55 PM, Guest Kabeer said:

*Deleted*

My post was deleted because it was the raw truth that some could not handle.I understand that.I stand with my advice that the OP should get legal advice and initiate divorce proceedings as soon as possible for her own mental health and wellbeing of her kids as they will be influenced by their fathers character and end up having worse behavior than their father.

15 hours ago, Guest Feeling defeated said:

For example I don’t want to argue but he does and will and won’t stop until there is one. I guess I just have to accept i was probably really bad to him in my past life. 

You don't have to accept anything.Stand up for yourself and your kids.You did not take birth and your parents did not spend 20 over years raising you for you to be abused by this loser.Take action now while you and the kids are still young.It will be a hard journey but you will come out of it a much stronger and happier person.Put your faith in Waheguru and do whats best for your family.

[Guest guest]

On 1/1/2021 at 8:10 PM, Guest Feeling defeated said:

 

it’s not a flaw to expect a husband to be a husband. Especially if born in a western country in the 80s. Everyone’s educated to a level to know what being kind is. You live together you need to get on and atleast be there for one another. Especially in times like covid when you have no other company. What is your actual dictionary meaning of marriage as I’m really surprised by your response.
 

demanding things? I feel like I’ve hit a nerve in your own personal life and your making assumptions for me. 
 

i think it is your nerve that has been hit.  see your first paragraph for your own answer.

he's your partner not your emotional slave.  he still has the right to be an individual and act how to he wants.  sorry if he doesn't meet your expectations.  

[Guest BullehS]

On 1/2/2021 at 11:27 AM, Guest Kabeer said:

My post was deleted because it was the raw truth that some could not handle.I understand that.I stand with my advice that the OP should get legal advice and initiate divorce proceedings as soon as possible for her own mental health and wellbeing of her kids as they will be influenced by their fathers character and end up having worse behavior than their father.

You don't have to accept anything.Stand up for yourself and your kids.You did not take birth and your parents did not spend 20 over years raising you for you to be abused by this loser.Take action now while you and the kids are still young.It will be a hard journey but you will come out of it a much stronger and happier person.Put your faith in Waheguru and do whats best for your family.

The man needs counselling and so does the wife and children. Don’t delay. 

[indersingh1313 52]

On 1/2/2021 at 2:14 AM, Guest Guest Kaur said:

Sorry to hear this...

My husband swears and calls me horrible words daily. I honestly thought I was marrying someone of high regard but their true colours show when your married to them. They think it's okay to speak in such way, when I challenge him about it, he says he's dukhi. Pathetic excuse. I wish I had never married him. I honestly regret it and its a mistake I am stuck with until one of us passes. 

All I can suggest is that you set a good example  to your children.  Stick with Amrit Vela.

 

 

 

wjkk wjkf bhenji

I think marriage is a compromise where two people share life together in a best way possible. when they have a children then they start living their life for children.

if you are chasing or seeking happiness from just being married or having kids, its a pure lie. happiness comes from within. or you create happiness for yourself not demand from other. 

my suggestion please stick to guru ji and Gurbani and try and live accordingly, everything will work out good eventually.

[indersingh1313 52]

On 12/28/2020 at 6:10 AM, Guest Feeling defeated said:

I am so unhappily married. My husband is very rude, selfish, lacks any compassion and his he has a lot of hankar. He comes from a broken family his parents are divorced and it shows, his communication and respect for anything I do or go through is so low- basically he isn’t appreciative or supportive even if I give birth or lose a loved one, he’s not there emotionally. He was shown no love as a child and he isn’t capable of showing love.

I don’t want to divorce because it’s going to be tough on my kids and I do not want them ending up twisted like him and his siblings which are a product of divorce.

I just feel like I am stuck.

I am trying to keep up my sikhi, do Amrit vela, he does nothing so I feel even if I try to better myself and beat my krodh or ego he doesn’t do nothing changes.

Am I meant to just accept this is my hukam based on my own karma and keep quiet and deal with it? It’s hard to even have a good mind myself when I am with someone who jus always provoking me.

wjkk wjkf bhenji

I think marriage is a compromise where two people share life together in a best way possible. when they have a children then they start living their life for children.

if you are chasing or seeking happiness from just being married or having kids, its a pure lie. happiness comes from within. or you create happiness for yourself not demand from other. 

my suggestion please stick to guru ji and Gurbani and try and live accordingly, everything will work out good eventually.

[Guest Guest Kaur]

On 1/8/2021 at 12:27 PM, indersingh1313 said:

wjkk wjkf bhenji

I think marriage is a compromise where two people share life together in a best way possible. when they have a children then they start living their life for children.

if you are chasing or seeking happiness from just being married or having kids, its a pure lie. happiness comes from within. or you create happiness for yourself not demand from other. 

my suggestion please stick to guru ji and Gurbani and try and live accordingly, everything will work out good eventually.

Wjkk wjkf Bhaji, 

sorry I am somewhat unclear on what you are trying to say. I understand in marriage comes compromise. I’m not disputing that at all. I very much agree. 
 

The part that is puzzling me is your comments about happiness, happiness comes from within? How does this relate to my comments, to be clear I’m not the original poster. 

 

 

 

[ipledgeblue 315]

please make sure you get time away from your husband, like take your children to another room where you can do nitnem or paat or simran, listen to katha, watch sikhi kids programmes on youtube.

I know it's coronavirus so it will be difficult to go to stuff like Kiddie Sangat in your local gurdwara. At least try to attend online stuff, maybe there is Zoom stuff. Make sure after lockdown you go to gurdwara with your children, get out of the house often.