Dont know anymore

[lostguy]

This is quite long so I really appreciate you for spending your time reading. Maybe this is just me getting things off my chest but then again its probably a cry for help i dont even know.

Grew up keshdari but never knew anything about Sikhi till like feb2016, up until that point it was just about drinking, drugs, girls etc, and in Jan2016 i cut my kesh for the first time. I liked it because for once i felt no restriction, like i could now live a life thaf id only seen my friends living. But then I found out about sikhi in Feb2016 a month after i cut my hair and it absolutely changed my view on life because i had an experience doin simran and found a new way to get high off the bliss of knowing that there was something greater than everything i ever knew. I learnt gurmukhi, found sangat, learnt the 5 bania, re-enrolled in uni after getting kicked out the year before, went on my last party( drinkin) holiday with my mates in June2016 and in Aug2016 I took amrit (maybe this was rushed but it felt right).

For the next year or so I done sangat of some serious nitnemy gursikhs, we would do amritvela together, go to programmes and do loads of paath and I quite enjoyed it. I would do sangat of sants and mahapursh and it was a completely new experience to the life i used to live, but the main thing is that inside i became someone filled with love and now i look back i would say quite humble and soft spoken.

After that year or so of good times everything seemed to crumble for me. I felt like people became judgemental towards me and looked at me weird, sangat that i used to hang around with would just seem really awkward and i still to this day dont know why it felt like that. I was going through a lot at home aswell as my parents separated and there was loads of arguments and fights. The chardikala that i used to feel seemed like it was becoming a distant reality but i still tried to go to programmes and do my nitnem.

On re-entering uni I made new friends and slowly stopped hanging around with the gursikhs i used to however i still stayed in touch with a couple of them that i didnt feel were judgemental towards me. This period of my life everything seemed to just spiral out of control tho. I started smoking weed again since i thought nihangs do weed lol and then that continued to spiral into an addiction with drugs, watchin porn, drinking again. And this has pretty much been the state of my life for the last 3 to 4 years. I've still held my faith in God and I know that God is always with me. Ive had countless periods in these years where ive quit everything and started doing my 5 bania again, but then i'll relapse, and then i'll cut down the nitnem to keep it consistent but then i'll relapse again, then i'll try doing loads of simran instead but then i'll relapse again and its just become an endless cycle of me trying to latch onto sikhi but then again i cant stop falling back into maya. Everytime i stop the drugs and get into a good nitnem cycle, i tell myself this is the last time but its not. I contemplated suicide quite a few times but then i realise that its stupid and will probably land me in narak quicker than i already am gona get there lol. 

Now im at a point where ive got a first class degree and finishing my masters in january, i work a good job, have tons of other projects that im working on to make me money and i would say in terms of a worldly perspective ive got a lot going for me. Sadly however, im spirtually corrupt and im ashamed to even go to the gurdwara, i meet with some sikh friends here and there but they think im just like them but really im a fraud whos doing all the stuff they could never imagine me doing.

Today was the first time in a while i contemplated suicide so i thought it would be best to share a post here. Dont know what ill get from it but i just need to say this stuff. I try do simran still but the amount of bad karma ive probably built up by now i dont know what it will do for me, and even if i did try set up a schedule to consistently do my nitnem again, im almost certain i'll relapse because that seems to be the running trend of my life.

 

Thank you to anyone who does comment and share their views on what ive wrote.

[Singh375]

I love you

Watch the movie chaar sahibzaade, read jeevan of sants, and shaheeds. Channel the emotion towards how special opportunity you got. You got a chance at Sikhi only because countless died for it. Remember them, pray for strength like they had

The only reason you fall is because you’re trying in the first place. It’s never too late. Test of faith can be brutal but love for Guru Ji carries you through

Review what people to keep in your life and those to remove. Do seva of Sri Guru Granth Sahib Ji and his sangat. Beg Guru Sahib Ji to let you taste the anand of his charan. 

[dallysingh101]

7 hours ago, Singh375 said:

I love you

Watch the movie chaar sahibzaade, read jeevan of sants, and shaheeds. Channel the emotion towards how special opportunity you got. You got a chance at Sikhi only because countless died for it. Remember them, pray for strength like they had

The only reason you fall is because you’re trying in the first place. It’s never too late. Test of faith can be brutal but love for Guru Ji carries you through

Review what people to keep in your life and those to remove. Do seva of Sri Guru Granth Sahib Ji and his sangat. Beg Guru Sahib Ji to let you taste the anand of his charan. 

I don't think that could have been put any better! 

 

[Guest Bhagat]

On 11/15/2021 at 7:00 PM, lostguy said:

This is quite long so I really appreciate you for spending your time reading. Maybe this is just me getting things off my chest but then again its probably a cry for help i dont even know.

Grew up keshdari but never knew anything about Sikhi till like feb2016, up until that point it was just about drinking, drugs, girls etc, and in Jan2016 i cut my kesh for the first time. I liked it because for once i felt no restriction, like i could now live a life thaf id only seen my friends living. But then I found out about sikhi in Feb2016 a month after i cut my hair and it absolutely changed my view on life because i had an experience doin simran and found a new way to get high off the bliss of knowing that there was something greater than everything i ever knew. I learnt gurmukhi, found sangat, learnt the 5 bania, re-enrolled in uni after getting kicked out the year before, went on my last party( drinkin) holiday with my mates in June2016 and in Aug2016 I took amrit (maybe this was rushed but it felt right).

For the next year or so I done sangat of some serious nitnemy gursikhs, we would do amritvela together, go to programmes and do loads of paath and I quite enjoyed it. I would do sangat of sants and mahapursh and it was a completely new experience to the life i used to live, but the main thing is that inside i became someone filled with love and now i look back i would say quite humble and soft spoken.

After that year or so of good times everything seemed to crumble for me. I felt like people became judgemental towards me and looked at me weird, sangat that i used to hang around with would just seem really awkward and i still to this day dont know why it felt like that. I was going through a lot at home aswell as my parents separated and there was loads of arguments and fights. The chardikala that i used to feel seemed like it was becoming a distant reality but i still tried to go to programmes and do my nitnem.

On re-entering uni I made new friends and slowly stopped hanging around with the gursikhs i used to however i still stayed in touch with a couple of them that i didnt feel were judgemental towards me. This period of my life everything seemed to just spiral out of control tho. I started smoking weed again since i thought nihangs do weed lol and then that continued to spiral into an addiction with drugs, watchin porn, drinking again. And this has pretty much been the state of my life for the last 3 to 4 years. I've still held my faith in God and I know that God is always with me. Ive had countless periods in these years where ive quit everything and started doing my 5 bania again, but then i'll relapse, and then i'll cut down the nitnem to keep it consistent but then i'll relapse again, then i'll try doing loads of simran instead but then i'll relapse again and its just become an endless cycle of me trying to latch onto sikhi but then again i cant stop falling back into maya. Everytime i stop the drugs and get into a good nitnem cycle, i tell myself this is the last time but its not. I contemplated suicide quite a few times but then i realise that its stupid and will probably land me in narak quicker than i already am gona get there lol. 

Now im at a point where ive got a first class degree and finishing my masters in january, i work a good job, have tons of other projects that im working on to make me money and i would say in terms of a worldly perspective ive got a lot going for me. Sadly however, im spirtually corrupt and im ashamed to even go to the gurdwara, i meet with some sikh friends here and there but they think im just like them but really im a fraud whos doing all the stuff they could never imagine me doing.

Today was the first time in a while i contemplated suicide so i thought it would be best to share a post here. Dont know what ill get from it but i just need to say this stuff. I try do simran still but the amount of bad karma ive probably built up by now i dont know what it will do for me, and even if i did try set up a schedule to consistently do my nitnem again, im almost certain i'll relapse because that seems to be the running trend of my life.

 

Thank you to anyone who does comment and share their views on what ive wrote.

I have risen and fallen many times. Even very far into my bhagti, when I thought there was no way I could fall again, I fell hard. Your cycle of entering and leaving maya, falling into the deep dark well of desire is teaching you that no good comes from maya. No matter how badly you feel like messing up, it will never truly satisfy you, just bring you pain.

To leave mayas hold, we must become wise (understand and apply gurbani to our life), disciplined- in that no matter how much a part of us may not want to change and bathe in the darkness, we make a change and we don't. We must become strong, cut off our heads, offer it to the Guru/ God and take our bhagti path Seriously. We walk the path of the spiritual and temporal warrior, in life and in spirituality. 

We must learn not to fear anyone or anything, for All is God and there is no fear. Avoid bad eggs (you will even find these in the gurdwarra at times, don't be fooled). Life is a test and it is also about experiencing and learning. Don't beat yourself up about the past, you can't change it. All that exists is this beautiful present moment. 

I would suggest you ease into your bhagti. Don't be fanatical about anything, don't beat yourself up for missing a paath in the morning or evening- we don't do this out of ritual, we do it out of Love. God doesn't want us beating ourselves up, he wants us to love, respect and cherish ourselves. Do your simran each night from 12am for 2 hours ideally (go deep into the samadhi for thats whats required). You will start to learn the reality of the world around you. Try also doing Chaupai Sahib each night, but understand it, believe it full and apply it practically to your life, just remember it. It can give you strength.

[Guest It happens]

On 11/15/2021 at 11:00 AM, lostguy said:

however i still stayed in touch with a couple of them that i didnt feel were judgemental towards me. This period of my life everything seemed to just spiral out of control tho. I started smoking weed again since i thought nihangs do weed lol and then that continued to spiral into an addiction with drugs, watchin porn, drinking again. And this has pretty much been the state of my life for the last 3 to 4 years. I've still held my faith in God and I know that God is always with me. Ive had countless periods in these years where ive quit everything and started doing my 5 bania again, but then i'll relapse, and then i'll cut down the nitnem to keep it consistent but then i'll relapse again, then i'll try doing loads of simran instead but then i'll relapse again and its just become an endless cycle of me trying to latch onto sikhi but then again i cant stop falling back into maya. Everytime i stop the drugs and get into a good nitnem cycle, i tell myself this is the last time but its not. I contemplated suicide quite a few times but then i realise that its stupid and will probably land me in narak quicker than i already am gona get there lol. 

Now im at a point where ive got a first class degree and finishing my masters in january, i work a good job, have tons of other projects that im working on to make me money and i would say in terms of a worldly perspective ive got a lot going for me. Sadly however, im spirtually corrupt and im ashamed to even go to the gurdwara, i meet with some sikh friends here and there but they think im just like them but really im a fraud whos doing all the stuff they could never imagine me doing.

Today was the first time in a while i contemplated suicide so i thought it would be best to share a post here. Dont know what ill get from it but i just need to say this stuff. I try do simran still but the amount of bad karma ive probably built up by now i dont know what it will do for me, and even if i did try set up a schedule to consistently do my nitnem again, im almost certain i'll relapse because that seems to be the running trend of my life.

 

Thank you to anyone who does comment and share their views on what ive wrote.

Hey brother,

I hope you are feeling better.

I just want to share with you, that most Sikhs are like you. But hardly anyone shares their weaknesses and so we think other amritdharis are all nitnemi perfect people, while only I suck. 

It's not true. I live in an area with huge population of Sikhs. And I am part of the young amritdharis. And we all struggle. Some are good with kirtan, and beautiful voices, but are all about fashion and wearing makeup. Others have great simran and Avastha if they do simran, but can't because of porn. 

So we all struggle, but Guru sahib does not give up on us. And take us bad quality apples and nurtures us until we get there. 

Also, most Sikhs have forgotten an important lesson in sikhi: gratitude. Look at where you were before you had sikhi. And with following sikhi, even half-heartedly, you have got a good education, and good career. 

You might think it's co-incedence. But it's not, only the really lucky people in this world have lives where they don't have to worry about materialistic things. Now that guruji had gotten rid of your materialistic wants, it so he can lead you to the spiritualist blessings.

You should be so grateful. God has given this education and Job. Also that money has not diminished your love or want for sikhi. This is also a blessing. Many ppl forget the Giver and just enjoy his gifts. You however still have a longing for Him. So blessed is this longing. And it is such a deep longing that it has even made you suicidal. 

See how blessed you are! All the foundation has been laid by guruji to help you. Now it's time to build the house. Since your food, hunger, money wants are fulfilled, please start fixing your mental and emotional self. Ones that is fixed, spirituality awaits.

So to fix mental stuff, you have to realize you have an addiction to weed and porn. So get all the help you need to get off of it completely. The cycles are a sign of addiction. You can watch YouTube videos, take courses about addiction like from gabor mate, Amen clinics,  go to therapy, join addiction group like weed annoynymous. Whatever it takes, do it. Like they say, God can only reside in a clean, good place. Make your mind and body good and clean. Also eat healthy, exercise, uncover hidden traumas and triggers.

Then you need to fix your emotional side. Which means fixing your suicidality. This will be done by removing negative thoughts. You are not able to follow sikhi. So what? It's hard, the path sharper than a swords edge. You think it should be easy? Develop resilience, gratitude, and grit. Read the book growth mindset. Stop defeatist, negative thinking: I'm so bad. I won't ever make it. I suck. Realize that your desires for porn and weed are just normal human instincts  for pleasure, for reproduction. This doesn't make you a bad,evil person. Just a weak human: controlled by his animal/evolutionary instinct. It's OK to be weak, because what's weak can be  strengthened. 

 

Please do these three things,, no matter what else you do or dont: yoga, the app fabulous, and ardas. Everyday do ardas, first thanking guru sahib that I used to be all about drinking and partying, and you still chose me and made me your sikh. You helped me with so much like education, quitting drinking etc. Now gurusahib ji, I am falling, please help me. (Help me quit___ when doing any of the above) I am your Sikh, only you can help me be a good Sikh. 

And most important remember, we all have ups and downs. Someday so good we do extra paath besides nitnem and someday can't even do nitnem. That shouldn't cause you to give up. It means you must fight harder. Because you wouldn't want to take these vices into your next Janam as a Sikh, would you? Do yourself a favor, and conquer your vices in this janam. Imagine how much better Sikh you could be if weed etc wasn't holding you back. And when conquering, being in battle, the other side fights back. So expect some losses. But ultimately, as long as you don't give up, you will win. Because it's your mind and life, and only you can decide how it is to be. If you really wanted, nothing could control you besides your self. Remember you are waheguru ji ka khalsa and if so then victory is yours because waheguru ji ki fateh.

 

 

[Guest Lowest of the low]

On 11/18/2021 at 7:36 PM, Guest It happens said:

Hey brother,

I hope you are feeling better.

I just want to share with you, that most Sikhs are like you. But hardly anyone shares their weaknesses and so we think other amritdharis are all nitnemi perfect people, while only I suck. 

It's not true. I live in an area with huge population of Sikhs. And I am part of the young amritdharis. And we all struggle. Some are good with kirtan, and beautiful voices, but are all about fashion and wearing makeup. Others have great simran and Avastha if they do simran, but can't because of porn. 

So we all struggle, but Guru sahib does not give up on us. And take us bad quality apples and nurtures us until we get there. 

Also, most Sikhs have forgotten an important lesson in sikhi: gratitude. Look at where you were before you had sikhi. And with following sikhi, even half-heartedly, you have got a good education, and good career. 

You might think it's co-incedence. But it's not, only the really lucky people in this world have lives where they don't have to worry about materialistic things. Now that guruji had gotten rid of your materialistic wants, it so he can lead you to the spiritualist blessings.

You should be so grateful. God has given this education and Job. Also that money has not diminished your love or want for sikhi. This is also a blessing. Many ppl forget the Giver and just enjoy his gifts. You however still have a longing for Him. So blessed is this longing. And it is such a deep longing that it has even made you suicidal. 

See how blessed you are! All the foundation has been laid by guruji to help you. Now it's time to build the house. Since your food, hunger, money wants are fulfilled, please start fixing your mental and emotional self. Ones that is fixed, spirituality awaits.

So to fix mental stuff, you have to realize you have an addiction to weed and porn. So get all the help you need to get off of it completely. The cycles are a sign of addiction. You can watch YouTube videos, take courses about addiction like from gabor mate, Amen clinics,  go to therapy, join addiction group like weed annoynymous. Whatever it takes, do it. Like they say, God can only reside in a clean, good place. Make your mind and body good and clean. Also eat healthy, exercise, uncover hidden traumas and triggers.

Then you need to fix your emotional side. Which means fixing your suicidality. This will be done by removing negative thoughts. You are not able to follow sikhi. So what? It's hard, the path sharper than a swords edge. You think it should be easy? Develop resilience, gratitude, and grit. Read the book growth mindset. Stop defeatist, negative thinking: I'm so bad. I won't ever make it. I suck. Realize that your desires for porn and weed are just normal human instincts  for pleasure, for reproduction. This doesn't make you a bad,evil person. Just a weak human: controlled by his animal/evolutionary instinct. It's OK to be weak, because what's weak can be  strengthened. 

 

Please do these three things,, no matter what else you do or dont: yoga, the app fabulous, and ardas. Everyday do ardas, first thanking guru sahib that I used to be all about drinking and partying, and you still chose me and made me your sikh. You helped me with so much like education, quitting drinking etc. Now gurusahib ji, I am falling, please help me. (Help me quit___ when doing any of the above) I am your Sikh, only you can help me be a good Sikh. 

And most important remember, we all have ups and downs. Someday so good we do extra paath besides nitnem and someday can't even do nitnem. That shouldn't cause you to give up. It means you must fight harder. Because you wouldn't want to take these vices into your next Janam as a Sikh, would you? Do yourself a favor, and conquer your vices in this janam. Imagine how much better Sikh you could be if weed etc wasn't holding you back. And when conquering, being in battle, the other side fights back. So expect some losses. But ultimately, as long as you don't give up, you will win. Because it's your mind and life, and only you can decide how it is to be. If you really wanted, nothing could control you besides your self. Remember you are waheguru ji ka khalsa and if so then victory is yours because waheguru ji ki fateh.

 

 

Fashion and makeup are not a sin. They don't hurt others, or do peoples nindya, they dont make you lose control like alcohol etc. Because a woman chooses to wear makeup or a woman or man chooses to dress up, don't make them evil. Guru Gobind Singh Ji dressed like a prince, he was more than okay.

You need to be internally pure, not hurt others, not sleep around, drink alcohol etc. And even if one does those things, they still shouldn't be judged, as its none of our business how others choose to live their lives, and if people fall into maya, it's they who suffer negativity and the karams, not us. Furthermore, God loves all of His creation unconditionally and the laws of Sat work to Teach, not harm. Hence all, the dukh and sukh is for our betterment. When we mess up, we feel the slap of karam. The pain is ours to bear, noone elses. Noone is beyond it. But it's not served to us out of hate, it's for our own betterment. 

We are not perfect so we can't possibly judge, or we'll be deemed to be fools, so all we can do is accept that we are the worst of the worst and the lowest of the low, put our ego and heads on the floor and focus on our own lives and bhagti only. Gurbani clearly states that one who judges others and deems others as bad is a fool. And to accept we are the lowest of 

[lostguy]

Just want to thank all you guys that replied here, it means a lot to me. I read all these replies a few days ago and instantly felt a boost in morale and hope for Sikhi.

Although I haven't won this battle, you guys have given me strength to get up and fight again and for that im forever grateful. I've copied all your replies and saved them so I can look back whenever I feel down and i'm sure they'll get me back on my feet like they did this time. God bless you guys

[Singh375]

Everything is Gurparsad 

[Not2Cool2Argue]

On 11/22/2021 at 11:01 AM, Guest Lowest of the low said:

Fashion and makeup are not a sin. They don't hurt others, or do peoples nindya, they dont make you lose control like alcohol etc. Because a woman chooses to wear makeup or a woman or man chooses to dress up, don't make them evil. Guru Gobind Singh Ji dressed like a prince, he was more than okay.

You need to be internally pure, not hurt others, not sleep around, drink alcohol etc. And even if one does those things, they still shouldn't be judged, as its none of our business how others choose to live their lives, and if people fall into maya, it's they who suffer negativity and the karams, not us. Furthermore, God loves all of His creation unconditionally and the laws of Sat work to Teach, not harm. Hence all, the dukh and sukh is for our betterment. When we mess up, we feel the slap of karam. The pain is ours to bear, noone elses. Noone is beyond it. But it's not served to us out of hate, it's for our own betterment. 

We are not perfect so we can't possibly judge, or we'll be deemed to be fools, so all we can do is accept that we are the worst of the worst and the lowest of the low, put our ego and heads on the floor and focus on our own lives and bhagti only. Gurbani clearly states that one who judges others and deems others as bad is a fool. And to accept we are the lowest of 

I do not want to derail the good comments above or get off topic. 

But I feel like lots of Sikhs are wrongfully thinking that fashion and makeup is okay so I will address my thoughts on it. 

Yes it's important to have a good mind. Man saaf. But do you realize how hard that is? It's easier to control actions. And actions show the thoughts behind it. 

So if you wear makeup and fashion, what thoughts are behind these actions? Vanity, pride, arrogance, desire, illusion and that we can fix or even beautify what God has created. 

Tell me why should one waste time and wear makeup? To look better? Why look better? To get more opportunities so people will think good of you? Is that not vanity etc

To become more confident? Why is your self esteem in looks? Does that seem like this person had a pure mind? It shows that you judge yourself and others on outer fleeting looks. That's a weakness and not a pure mind..

Having a pure mind means. Neither happiness nor sadness will sway you. You realize everything is In God's will and God's will is always good. You have no desires nor hopes. Nothing can cause fear in you, not even death. And the pure mind is decorated with beauty and jewels of good qualities like humility, forgiveness, authenticity, living in God's will etc. 

I do not think any one I know has a pure mind. Only people who are so good that they are known as saints.

Also about the tenth guru dressing richly, gurbani says don't copy the guru but do as he says. Which means taking Amrit as that is what the tenth guru wanted. And when you take amrit, you will be told no makeup and limit fashion. 

[T_Singh]

Bhai Jee,

All the responses above related to your question are spot on. I would just add if you know any local elder Gursikh who you know is not judgemental and can understand do try to reach out just sit have have a talk. Talking about these things with others in a confidential space can help. If it’s an elder they could tell you what they were like in their younger days which may help and they could regular check up on you and help you keep on your path.