Sikh Intermarriage

[Guest dktsikh]

Hi Everybody,

I am twenty four years old and a Sikh woman. I was born into Sikhism, but I am not amrit shakh or baptized. I believe in God, in being a good person, in love and not in hate...in equality. I think Sikhism is a beautiful religion but the truth is I do have trimmed long hair (so it is not unshorn) and I eat meat, I have dated three people...I'm not a "perfect" Sikh, but I love my family and we are very close - and my grandparents' generation - my grandparents on both sides of my family have always been extremely religious, and a very well known and respected traditional Sikh punjabi family in my community. Two of my grandparents often speak at the gurdwara to preach Sikhism, or give speeches at community events, be it a wedding or an akhand path. One of my grandfathers is a giani. My entire life I have been "good" and respectful. I have never gone against my parents. I have never caused them any grief. Most of the time it's because I agree with them. I don't party hard, I have good respectable friends, I don't talk back to parents, I love and respect them and keep them in my mind and heart when making decisions. I've dated two boys with the intention of finding someone for marriage, but both ended rather quickly and they were both Punjabi and Sikh. I was okay with and open to the concept of arranged marriage my entire life. These days it is hardly arranged, just families mutually respecting one another and the boy and girl passing the screening tests of education or caste and looks or whatever the families want...then they meet, and if they click, they get engaged and eventually married. Although I didn't plan to, in medical school I fell in love with a classmate. He is a Christian. My family is against it, and I am being threatened that I will be pulled out of school if I continue to see this man anymore. I am told that I am doing something wrong and disrespectful, and losing my self respect, and that if I do this, I will ruin the name of my father and grandfathers forever, and they will never be able to speak at the temple again.

I love them so much, and I appreciate all they have done for me. For years I agreed with them and this is the "worst" i have done in my life. I don't really date, and I don't drink or party or smoke...the love I found with this person is what truly makes me happy and complete and I don't want to let it go. My brother who lives with me overseas is in a relationship with a punjabi sikh and does all of the above things including some criminal activity and has gotten into some legal trouble at my expense and my family's...but he takes it upon himself to tell on me to my parents about my relationship because it is "wrong" yet he denies his so he won't get into trouble... I told my parents that this man would marry me and that he told his parents about me...and that in their culture they also have to get engaged before actually BEING with the person and courting them. I am afraid of what will happen if I don't cut it off, yet I cannot bring myself to let go of something this special. We would both eventually want to get married. I don't believe in premarital sex. I would keep my faith and he would keep his. I don't want to lose my family, and I don't want to lose him...I wish they would support me and be happy that I found someone so loving and caring...the "perfect" punjabis I dated were Sikhs by birth but weren't always the nicest people...and I couldn't even talk to them about faith...the ironic thing is I connect so much with this non-sikh person when discussing faith because we believe in the same things ABOUT God and the world and human beings. Is it true that a sikh cannot marry a non sikh? If this is true, where does love come into play? what if you really really love someone and you want to marry them? isn't that a normal human thing? isn't love and mutual respect for religion and faith and God and being a good person a good thing? I have such a hard time understanding how religion and culture which are supposed to be good things can sometimes put up huge walls when it comes to love...what do you all think is the right thing to do? and those of you who say if you would accept it, would you accept it if your own child or sibling did it? or are u just okay with it if others do it? my family is okay with others doing it, but none of their own...because then people would talk about us and my family makes their position known that they dont condone family members that we dont get along with who do choose to marry out of the religion.

any comments or questions would be appreciated.

God bless you all.

[JustME]

having read you story i can sympathise with u to a certain extent bocs i too........was in an interfaith relationship for 6.5 yrs before waheguru blessed this murakh with amrit............like you the guy was lovely.........our faiths never clashed.......he did his thing and i did mine.............but as i got closer to sikhi...........our views, outlook in life changed and although we are still good friends our relationship ended..........i have no regrets bcos i knw this was the will of waheguru..........and we are all slaves to His hukam

but lemme ask you this..............what is your definition of a sikh? its very easy to say "yeah im a sikh etc etc etc........" but do u realy know what u are..........bcos until u realise what sikh is and what our Guru is teaching us no-one including myself can called ourselves a Gur Ka Sikh...............

Now my personal opinion that love is nothing but attachment.............remember u survived before this guy came into ur life so why now can u not see a life without him? see? its all attachment...............this thing is our journey in this life is already written..........the path is set................you've gotta decide whether u got the himmat to walk on it..............no choice in life is ever easy...........but this life is not about wot u, i, me, they, she, he wants..............its all about Waheguru........now if you got faith and its in ur kismat to be with this person waheguru will see to it that you are but this is a big decision and no-one here can say yes/no.......but with regards to interfaith marraiges try reading the translations of the lavah and see whta commitment u are actually making..............everything may be fine now but in 3-4 yrs time? will u both still have the same values and views u have can u still respect each other but have totally different beliefs?

but while writing this a tuk from bani came into my head.......and ill conclude this reply with that.......

Rab Rakha

eyhu kutMbu qU ij dyKdw clY nwhI qyrY nwly ]

ayhu kutamb too je daykh-daa chalai naahee tayrai naalay.

This family which you see shall not go along with you.

swiQ qyrY clY nwhI iqsu nwil ikau icqu lweIAY ]

saath tayrai chalai naahee tis naal ki-o chit laa-ee-ai.

They shall not go along with you, so why do you focus your attention on them?

AYsw kMmu mUly n kIcY ijqu AMiq pCoqweIAY ]

aisaa kamm moolay na keechai jit ant pachhotaa-ee-ai.

Don t do anything that you will regret in the end.

siqgurU kw aupdysu suix qU hovY qyrY nwly ]

satguroo kaa updays sun too hovai tayrai naalay.

Listen to the Teachings of the True Guru - these shall go along with you.

[Mehtab Singh]

dktsikh penji

Its all about what are your priorities in life are. If Sikhi was your priority, I don't think you'd be "in love" with this guy in the first place. All this Bollywood junk that "pyaar kiya nahi jaata, ho jaata hai", is well, nothing but garbage. Don't fall into this trap. I am glad that the dude hasn't asked you to convert to Christianity, although this can also mean that probably he doesn't care about religion. I am just speculating as I don't know the person. I also agree with you on the part that you found certain "Sikh" guys as "hopeless" and were able to "click" with this Christian guy. It happens, but this doesn't mean all Sikh guys are hopeless, or that you can connect with all non-Sikh guys. But in your case, thats what happened. You haven't specified what kind of "Sikh" those 2 guys were (I am referring to appearance...ahem ahem...now some people gonna jump on me for asking an innocent question :lol: ). I also deeply respect the fact that you have maintained your character and not fallen for lust.

So penji, its your life, your choice, your family, your future, and if I am allowed to say, your "attachment" to this dude, therefore eventually the decision is yours. You have to get your priorities sorted first. Is it a temporary and worldly "love" from a human being, or eternal and selfless love of SatGuru Jee.

May Gurujee guide you

Please forgive me if anything I said may have offended you, as that wasn't my intention at all

ps: JustMe said

remember u survived before this guy came into ur life so why now can u not see a life without him?

Wow! That was brilliant!

[sherlsurj]

after reading this article i am both annoyed and upset. you do seem to cotradict yourself a lot. one minute you say you are a sikh and then the next minute you mention multiple boyfriends and now a christain boyfriend. secondly you mention how respectful and how much of a 'good girl' you are and then you mention going out with someone from different religion. i had a really close friend to me who started dating a christian guy. there is nothing wrong with christians (im no racist or anything) but it changed her. she did not even know how much she was hurting her family. her mum used to cry all thwe time as she felt she lost a daughter. her sister's, grandparents, cousins were all lost as to what to do. the relationship never long but she lost everyone, itot worth it. if you were a so called sikh or good respectful girl you would not be going out with someone that could hurt your family. girls/biys with this selfish attitude really annoy me as they dont know how much hurt they cause to others.

sorry to have a go but it just annoyed me with all the contradictions.

[Guest ******]

From what i have heard, maybe someone could shed some more light on this but sikhs wanting to marry out of sikhi they both partners have to sign on that they both beleive in sikhi and one guru sri guru granth sahib jee and will bring there kids up in sikh etc

Please look into this moving forward from your situation.

Akaltakat i heard had made this annocement?

[Guest Guest]

Maybe you should have asked this question on a relationships and advice forum not a sikhism forum - the sikh perspective is that marriage is for two practising, baptised sikhs. Since you are not a practising sikh yourself so what sikhi has to say about things doesnt really matter to you, i guess you can marry whoever you want - how your parents will feel is a seperate issue i guess.

[dalsingh101]

How about helping the Sikh nation grow, not other communities?

[OhTwadi]

since i'm feeling lazy, i'm going to quote an old post. btw, i didnt read the original post, barely skimmed it

i duno why it is so hard for people old enough to be married to understand this. its quite a simple thing really.

two people get married, they follow different faiths/religions/philosophy...... perhaps these 2 individuals can respect each other's views and thats all nice n good. next, they have kids, NOW is where the problem starts. which path will the kids follow?? kids these days are very clever, how will you satisfy their curiosity about contradicting philosophy of 2 paths.

....

incase you didnt think about this. you are going to be spending the REST OF YOUR LIFE with this person. marraige is a very complicated relationship to begin with and by marrying outside of your religion you are putting extra stress on it from the get go. forget having problems later on.

....

incase you didnt realize, this will only apply to a person who practices their religion with devotion and love. if someone is sikh/hindu/mulsim/christian/jew...... by birth or by name only then it won't matter.

[sherlsurj]

good quote emijeha!!!!!you have the right idea. finally someone that knows what they are on about!

[kds1980]

In the majority of interreligious marriages it is the women that ends up giving its religions.its a fact.Like surname children do take up religion of their father.That's why interreligious marriages are not at all accepted by any religion.