Trouble With In-laws

[ManjK]

I got married 6 months ago.....before i got married me and my sister-in-law (husband's sister) had an argument and words were said. However, come wedding time I had agreed to let bygones be bygones and to start afresh with her.

She is married and thus does not live in my husband's house. Since we got married I have done my best to do al housework, make food for guests and have gone everywhere and worn everything that my mother-in-law has said to do or wear.

My husband and I suggested that we would want to get a house this year (as we want to stand on our own 2 feet and arent that young, but not that old even). Anyways we only mentioned this to his mother and there was uproar, his brother and sister were having loads of conversations with his mum over the phone. then his sister came to stay at my in-laws house for a few days. I heard his mum and sister and mamma talking about my husband and I and saying that we are stupid and mocking us for wanting to buy a house. Then his sister said to his mother that 'just let them get their own place and then dont bother with them'. i heard all of this and was really hurt to know that people i trusted and waited on, was saying this about us. The next day I told his mum what I had heard and she basically said that her daughter can say anything to me.

It then got a point late last year that my in-laws told my parents that i do no housework, stay in my room when guests come and accusing me of stuff i hadnt done at all. i was not there to defend myself but my husband was there but said nothing. My parents got really upset. is sister also sent him an e-mail basically saying that he should never have married me and since I have been in the house I have made everyones life a misery. I said nothing to anyone because my parents advised me of this.

A few months later same thing has happenned again, accused of not doing stuff and even saying things bad about my parents. Constantly picking out my faults, never ever looking or mentioning my good points at all. saying that I'm a bad person and that I never wanted to live in a family which is not true as I live 200 miles away from my own family and even after arguments I still stayed at my in-laws. Yes I admit Im not a conversationalist, espec with the oldies but I have always done housework or anything else that needs to be done at home and always asked about my in-laws health, even though they never ask about me or my family. I have also got accused of changing my husband and that I have done something to him (black magic), when I would never do that to anyone. Even saying to my husband that he should never have married me and that I should have adjusted strate after marriage and they stay the same as they are.

My husband stands up for me now and this is something his mum does not like. She does not accept that he is married and basically never treats me like a daughter. I have been ill for a few days and she did not ask how i was or anything at all, not even to make me something to eat or drink.

I have got to the point whereby i have had enough this time. i have stopped speaking to my mother-in-law and father-in-law and we live in the same house. i have said that we want to move out and his mother said that her son is not going, but I can go if I want.

I know that my duty is to look after the parents, but I feel like I cant live with them anymore. what should I do or what are your thoughts?

[Heera Singh]

this is a typical case of the indian in-laws.... personally... i kno ur husband in a tuff situation (is in between his family and his wife)... but y'all have to make a choice and make it soon... u don't deserve to be treated like crap...

so.. talk to ur husband.. tell him that if y'all don't do somethin it can risk the marriage falling a part... his family is being whack now, but after u guyz move out (considering u do) things will get better over time.. it's always like this at the beginning.. i know people who've been in the exact same situation.. and after they moved out, things actually improved...

they're jus using their typical indian mentality and talkin smack... which is wha indian (especially punjabi people) are known for...

so my advice.. don't take no crap, but don't argue wit them either.. dun pay them no mind... do ur thing, talk to ur husband, and move out... otherwise, i's only gonna get worse...

best of luck..

Bless!

Vaheguru Jee Ka Khalsa, Vaheguru Jee Kee Fateh!

[Ramneet Singh]

, Thats a pretty tough situation bhenji. Im not sure that alot of the online sangat is going to be able to help u cause this is a pretty mature topic and all. One small thing that ive noticed from experience is that any form of remebrance of god seems to soothes things out over time. Im not married and all but i used to fight with parents and siblings alot. Then my dad started keeping a track of simran on 24/7, in the baba jis room with door open all the time. And its all guru jis grace but we almost dont fight at alll anymore, ( well we still do but is nowhere near what it used to be ). Hope it helped some what

P.S.

I know that my duty is to look after the parents, but I feel like I cant live with them anymore. what should I do or what are your thoughts?

Have u tried asking ur Eternal Husband ?

[_anon_]

sorry to hear about ur situation bhenji

all i can say is:

1. make sure ur relationship with ur husband stays rock solid.

2. get some form of dialogue with ur suss n father-in-law. she sounds like a total nightmare, but its going to reflect very badly on u if people find out ur not tlking. you dont want to get any further blame in this.

3. try n do some mool mantar of japji sahib paath in the mornings, also do ardaas. pray that maharaaj gives u strength to deal with this situation.

take care, stay strong! =]

[OhTwadi]

Do as many Chaupai Sahib dey paath as you can in say 1 week. If you want a number, I would say do at least 25/day and then do ardaas, Guru Sahib will surely do kirpa :D

Edit: I should emphasize that numbers really don't matter. It's just sort of a benchmark. Before you being, it'll be best to listen to katha or read some translations that explain what this bani means. Then while you are doing abhiyaas of the bani, every time you read a tuk, recall the tuk's meaning. By putting effort into recalling the meanings, it will be easier to concentrate.

[Tarrandeep Kaur]

haAAAAAAAAW wat a horrible sister in law

and a mean sass!! :D

[Gurbar Akaal]

Married life and living with others is definitly a big task, it takes allot of comprimise and patience. My advice would be to you, as stated by others above is keep your relationship with your husband solid, hes the main reason you are there in that house. It is important to tell yoru husband what problems your having in the house so that he can address them if need be, but you also need to ensure that he doesnt get angry about what your saying, it could flip and he joins sides against with his mother against you if you push it too far. You need to let him see what is happening rather then just telling him, so he knows your not making it up.

Your parents have given you good advice to not say anything and do as your told, however there is a limit to how far someone can be pushed, some in laws will take advantage of this. So what you need to do is keep a balance, do the work that needs to be done and make sure your mother in law knows you are doing it so she cannot complain, but also leave some work for her to do, your not the slave of the house.

Everything that is done in the house needs to be done with a "slaah" (agreement / discussion), you dont want to leave the house on bad terms and through a fight, so let some time pass by until things cool down and then raise the issue of buying a house, even if you only propose to put it on rent. That way you will have a property if you ever do need to move out. Until then at least your property will be making some extra equity for you, some extra cash and also you'll be on the property ladder, the longer you leave the the more expensive houses will get.

Try to guage wat is annoying your mother in law, and then try to do that as least as you can, on your side you will probably have to put a smile on and do what you dont really want to, but to keep peace in the house it is sometimes neccessary. All in all, its about balance, having an all out row with your in laws is never a good idea. Living with others is not an easy job as they will not be as forgiving as your own parents, but its something you just need to do to keep your family for now and the future to be in good hands.

As mentioned above, do a daily routine of Nitnem, read Gurbani and try to understand the meanings through translations or steeks. This will give you a good mental mindframe and a positive outlook on life. Above all, there is no situation that cannot be resolved so stay strong and dont take it to heart that much. Confide in your husband and just try your best to make things work. Good luck.

[sherlsurj]

are there any places where girls/women can get advice about this stuff?help etc?

[_singhni_]

you could try kaurageous they really good with advice coming from experience...

penji keep your head up high...

sorry i cant say much....

good luckk penji.....

[MPKaur]

Phenji, I'm so sorry to hear about your trouble. MArriage is never easy. I'm married myself with children.

Although it should not be that way, but it is unfortunately very often, the blame for whatever problems there are, goes on the daughter-in-law, as she is the 'outsider'.

Get your strenght from Waheguru. It would be good for you and your husband to get some time away, if possible (like a little vacation or something).

PLease, feel free to PM me, we can share our experience