Unhappy marriage

[MisterrSingh]

The dad on the committee needs to be having words with. Can't have people gossiping about his daughter's situation, can we, lest his standing in the community is affected? What a disgrace.

To the OP bhenji: Under no circumstances must you have any children with this man. You'll be going from a very tough yet salvageable situation (if you decide to cut your losses and end it) to an impossible, lifelong struggle full of bleakness. A child will not reform your wayward husband; the responsibility will not change him. Yet, try to approach your husband in a conciliatory way if possible. Is he capable of being won over?

From my observations, when a Punjabi man is kicking off in this way, he usually has someone else lined up; he wants you to leave so the blame can be pinned on you for ending the marriage, smoothing the way for his new wife. The decision is ultimately yours, but if you're expecting support from your parents, I think it may end up costing you your life. They've made their stance clear. Their "standing" amongst their people is more important than the welfare and safety of their child. That's a fact you will have to accept honestly and without delusion.

[Guest Jasbkaur]

Thank u all for your support we were duped into thinking he was a nice guy. My husband was not forced into this however wanted a nodding dog for a wife who allowed him to get drunk come home late cause problems etc .everyone in this house is scared of him his parents included.i have offered my help to go couples therapy together as i go therapy on my own to change and deal with his behaviour  but to no success. My parents say i should not mke him angry and avoid him wen his in a bad mood and they will keep doing ardaas. I dont even want to think about getting married again and i agree people can be predatory hence i come here instead of asking lots of people who will manipulate the situation more i cant imagine the new year being like this for me. i have never had to fend for myself or felt this alone so thanks all for the support. I really do not want another relationship just so im not on my own my obstacle is the fear of losing my family  I know if i leave i could not show my face in the gurdwara again either.

[sikhni777]

There was a time when parents of wayward boys would approach some respectable family and request of them their daughter. They would paint their daughter as marvellous in their eyes and as having the capability to magically transform their son into a loving husband who would forget his wayward ways snd have a lovely wife to come home to.  The parents would get brainwashed and all parties think it a possibility.  What other chance in life would their beautiful daughter to become a heroine. 

Many girls lives have thus been ruined.  Their husbands never change and their inlaws are just glad their son got a respectable wife for their son, a hope they had given up. At least its not one of his many loose girlfriends he's married to. 

The poor girl has to save her face, her parents honour and live the life of a great sacrifice in the name of marriage.  Everyone around knows their story but no one can do anything.  The poor girl talks to no one and just leads her life being thankful for a roof over the her and her children's heads until her husband dies suddenly from his bad drinking habits.

[harsharan000]

On 29/12/2016 at 7:59 PM, Guest Jasbkaur said:

Thank you all for your help and support my parents have said if I walk away then that is it i am on my own as in sikhi there is no divorce. I do work but i cannot afford my own place. He got caught drunk driving in an accident luckily he only drove into a wall and is on a tag. I am scared that people will look down on me and i will be ostracised as my dad is well known and part of the gurdwara committee. Can i be a good sikh and leave.

Pen Jee,

first of all take a dep breath and say Wahiguru lovingly, it will fill you with kirpa, do not get disheartened. You are an independant person, so what if you are married and a woman, you are first a human being, and deserve respect as anyone else.

People have very big mouths, unfortunately talk rubbish, and always condemn the woman, as if the male is a saint .... Mostly men are beasts, and are to be blamed for their misbehaviour. Come on Pen Jee, the world has changed a lot, women are progressing fatser and face any man with dignity. Do not be timid, talk lovingly but firmly, do not raise your voice, while talking and explaining your situation to anyone, otherwise people will say you are a trouble maker, that is how society is ...

If needed, sue him, by taking the aid from  a good lawyer, in most western countries, there are governmental institutions to help women in your situations and worse, to help and guide them, do not fear, you have taken a first courageous step, carry on,  as all the members posters on this your thread, are willingly trying to be helpful, each one with his/her best ability.

God bless you, Pen Jee.

Sat Sree Akal.

[Guest Jasbkaur]

Thank you all for your help this is why i love sikhi so much how i can rely on the support of others lets hope that the new year brings a new start....

[Guest realitycheck]

Penji

From what you are saying I am understanding that your husbnd physically, verbally and emotionally  abuses you.

Your parents are not supporting you and asking you to live with it and work it somehow. chances are they are thinking about what people will say. The root problem is their neurosis and ego where they want to look good in the community and this will bring shame to them. This is absolutley disgusting as parents , they shud know better.

 

Your dad being on the committee means absolutley nothing . Chances are he is ignoring sikhi in advising you again thinking of his own image. 

 

You are responsible for your life and you have to answer for your own actions to dharam raj. So you need to take responsibility.

All the ppl here advising you to go to your parents are also brainwashed in seeing a women as something who belongs to her parents or her husband. They think a women is owned. 

Clearly in ur situation neither ur husband or ur parents aee helping.

First of all the abuse is illegal. You could seek legal help. The police would even arrange for a safe place to stay if u dnt have relatives or friends who can let u stay. Ideally if theres someone like a sister or aunty where u cud go for a while that would be useful.

Im not saying divorce is the answer but u need to remove yourself from that place and reset the rules. If ur husband changes then its worth working at it. If he wants a women who he can control then u will continue to suffer and he will never learn as he doesnt hav to.

What u might want to do is leave and stay with someone, like a relative

.then inform your husband , his family and your family, u might use a vichola, some one elder or respectible in the community or a aunty to help pass the message. Speak to ur and his chachi, mami, etc as well so the word is out and ppl might help. You coukd tell them that you will not return until he quits alcohol , stops hitting you etc. These demands are very reasonable and its disgusting uhave to ask someone to stop hittin u or stop drinking. 

Ultimatley if he says he will work it out then work it out with them. If he responds positive then work with him and help him quit. And comminicare the issues. If u go to ur parents home then dont let them send u back until they sit with him and his family to discuss all this. You need to bring everyone into this and jnvolve them.

 

If he tells u were to go and isnt bothered then regardless of what anyone says  u can be a good sikh and walk away. take aasra of guruji . U are not owned by anyone. The key is to first remove yourself frm the sitution.

 

 

 

 

 

 

[MisterrSingh]

On 30/12/2016 at 1:59 PM, Guest Jasbkaur said:

Thank u all for your support we were duped into thinking he was a nice guy. My husband was not forced into this however wanted a nodding dog for a wife who allowed him to get drunk come home late cause problems etc .everyone in this house is scared of him his parents included.i have offered my help to go couples therapy together as i go therapy on my own to change and deal with his behaviour  but to no success. My parents say i should not mke him angry and avoid him wen his in a bad mood and they will keep doing ardaas. I dont even want to think about getting married again and i agree people can be predatory hence i come here instead of asking lots of people who will manipulate the situation more i cant imagine the new year being like this for me. i have never had to fend for myself or felt this alone so thanks all for the support. I really do not want another relationship just so im not on my own my obstacle is the fear of losing my family  I know if i leave i could not show my face in the gurdwara again either.

You sound like you have your head screwed on straight. That's more than half the battle won. It's a shame you're having to experience this kind of turbulence. Keep your wits about you, bhenji. I hope you reach a situation that's to your liking in this particular regard. The deck is stacked against your favour, but keep the faith. It's worth much more than people would have you believe.

[Not2Cool2Argue]

I dont know what ur planning to do now. But u did mention that u dont have money to get your own place. So i would say research your options. Look at women shelters, government help in paying rent, government housing, benefits, welfare, contact help organizations like sikh helpline or other  domestic abuse hotlines, and look into getting a better paying job.. Im not saying you should move out, im saying u should be aware of your options. So if one day u suddenly do have to be on ur own, u will know wat to do and wont end up on the streets. I think you should call women shelters and ask how long they let u stay for free, and how long for a reduced price, and how much is the full rent? Also look at the cost of getting ur own place.  Then u can calculate how long u have to stay at the shelter to save enough money to get ur own place. Also see if u can move to another shelter if time runs out at 1 shelter. Also check out homeless shelters, gurudwaray might have places to live, tho usually these r for men only

Basically have a plan a, b, and c. Also start saving ur money, stop spending it towards house, grocery spending. Look into nearby hotels,inns,motels to see where u can get a room if u ever need one. Plan for everything.

Also if i were u, i would tell my husband straight out that if he beats me up again, im calling the police. You dont have to call the police unless u want to, but hopefully he will think twice about hitting u again.

Lots of punjabi men where i live have stopped hitting their wives once theyve gone to jail for it. It might or might not work for u.

[Guest Jin]

Penji please seek help. If he has hit you he is not worthy of you no man should ever raise a hand to a women. Maybe you leaving will open his eyes & might change him for the better.  Don't wait for another incident as it could cost you your life. contact your local women's refugee tell them your situation & they will help. Sikh Awareness Society can also help & have safe houses located throughout the uk which won't cost you anything but will help you get independent they can also speak to your parents. ring them if it's only just to speak about your problems .  Your parents will eventually come round.Hope Waheguru ji listens to your ardas & helps you move forward. 

[Guest Jasbkaur]

Happy new year to all, well perhaps waheguru ji has listened to my ardaas i went to the gurdwara on new years eve with my mother in law and my parents when we got back at 1.30 am he was still drinking he started at 3pm but his father also joined him so i rang my parents and told them to come down and look and if they dont im calling the police and they wont see me.

My parents turned up and were disgusted they shouted at them and took me home. The next day we came back with the vicholay and his chachi grand parents were all there. I told them i cant go on like this into the new year.but they have told me to try again on the promise he seeks therapy and cuts down the alcohol but if it dont get better they will take me.

I know it sounds selfish but for my emotional well being i hope he does mess up im sick of it. His mother undermines me all the time this morning we were going to the gurdwara and he said to get him cake i said no it has egg im a strict vegetarian and she went and got it for him like i was so upset why would u do that.  So hopefully lets see now friday will come soon enough lets see wat happens.

Thanks all