Dealing with an angry wife

[Guest]

Its been 6 months or so since I am married. Didn't ask for a dowry or anything. 

My wife is usually nice to my mom and dad, although I think she just tries acting sweet and has tendencies of passive-aggressiveness inside her . Sometimes she also becomes very angry which is not justified.

for instance today she said 'you people have not purchased me' . My mom sold her gold rings to make a gold chain for her. Dad often brings nice fruits etc for her, and since I don't have siblings, she easily enjoys food etc in house. Doesn't do a job , only studies and we have paid the fee so she may be self sufficient. 

her background is she comes from a poor family but her father is equally arrogant if not more , and has never addressed me as 'dear son' . Still I call him daddy ji . Her mom keeps telling me how we should visit punjab again but honestly I don't have  money or vacation to do that . We're on EMIs since my marriage for the loan I took. 

Despite providing her with everything and she only partly doing work at house, she still has anger and arrogance and if I or mom say something angrily for her own good, she often acts in ego . Today my mom cried because of her because she in arguments said 'you people havent purchased me ' . 

How to deal with a woman like this ?? I don't think I can afford a divorce either . Is she something that can be improved. I thought she was sanskari , oh well looking at how she back answers I don't think I can say that again . 

[MisterrSingh 3,343]

Shouldn't have sold her rings, bro, regardless of whether they were melted and repurposed as a chain. Those were "hers." These small-minded third worlders don't need an excuse to cultivate grudges and create problems. You just gave her a gold-plated excuse to cause trouble and escalate every tiny issue into something bigger.

Take the holiday to Punjab and take her with you. Let her stay for a few weeks or even a few months but you return after a few days. Don't call her. I mean it. See what happens.

[Redoptics 156]

11 minutes ago, MisterrSingh said:

Shouldn't have sold her rings, bro, regardless of whether they were melted and repurposed as a chain. Those were "hers." These small-minded third worlders don't need an excuse to cultivate grudges and create problems. You just gave her a gold-plated excuse to cause trouble and escalate every tiny issue into something bigger.

Take the holiday to Punjab and take her with you. Let her stay for a few weeks or even a few months but you return after a few days. Don't call her. I mean it. See what happens.

How is dropping his wife and him returning home going to resolve her issues, what you need to do is ask why she gets upset so quick, see a councillor or something,  do something productive together.  Money constraints at the beginning of a marriage isn't good either.

[Ranjeet01 1,530]

I seen this problems so many times.

A family marry their sons to a girl from a poor family as they feel sorry for them. They try their best to acommodate the girl into their family (even not ask for dowry) and hand everything to her on a plate and the girl turns out to be a right cow. 

No appreciation whatsoever. 

It is these kind of situations that make me see the reason why mother-in-laws can be harsh with their daughter-in-laws. 

I deplore the dowry system but I wonder if these kind of families sense weakness when a dowry is not demanded from them.

There is an expression,  " Those that bite the hand that feeds them, lick the boots that kick them".

This girl I think subconsciously feels resentful because she has had everything handed to her in a plate, she hasn't earned it.

 

[MisterrSingh 3,343]

16 minutes ago, Redoptics said:

How is dropping his wife and him returning home going to resolve her issues, what you need to do is ask why she gets upset so quick, see a councillor or something,  do something productive together.  Money constraints at the beginning of a marriage isn't good either.

Your first mistake is devising solutions that are designed to work for mature and sensible adults. She's behaving somewhere between an animal and a spoilt child. So treat her like one. Based on what OP has said, she seems incapable of reciprocating and appreciating the efforts made to welcome her into the family and understanding that not everyone's coffers are overflowing with material goods and money. But the rings > chain move was ill advised. Very ill advised.

Plus, counselling? Again, it's a solution for adults, not these unfeeling, cold, demons in human form. 

There's a mistaken assumption made by some of our people that a bride from a comparatively poorer and less affluent background will have developed a sense of humility and all the agreeable personality attributes that belong to someone who hasn't had their head turned by materialism, the chief idea for selecting such a partner being she won't cause waves at her in-laws and therefore is less prone to nakhre. That may have been true once upon a time but now is no longer a reality.

So, you either nip this behaviour in the bud at this relatively early stage -- thus preventing a lifetime of hassle and grief for all -- or you allow this behaviour to seed, sprout and grow. I know what route I'd take, and it's not one involving counselling or building a jigsaw puzzle together.

[dallysingh101 1,729]

1 hour ago, MisterrSingh said:

Shouldn't have sold her rings, bro, regardless of whether they were melted and repurposed as a chain. Those were "hers." These small-minded third worlders don't need an excuse to cultivate grudges and create problems. You just gave her a gold-plated excuse to cause trouble and escalate every tiny issue into something bigger.

Take the holiday to Punjab and take her with you. Let her stay for a few weeks or even a few months but you return after a few days. Don't call her. I mean it. See what happens.

Daym Singh! 

You think fobbing the missus off like that isn't going to create further issues! 

Then, what happens when Ajeet's big 'secret' comes out too. 

[Redoptics 156]

3 hours ago, MisterrSingh said:

Your first mistake is devising solutions that are designed to work for mature and sensible adults. She's behaving somewhere between an animal and a spoilt child. So treat her like one. Based on what OP has said, she seems incapable of reciprocating and appreciating the efforts made to welcome her into the family and understanding that not everyone's coffers are overflowing with material goods and money. But the rings > chain move was ill advised. Very ill advised.

Plus, counselling? Again, it's a solution for adults, not these unfeeling, cold, demons in human form. 

There's a mistaken assumption made by some of our people that a bride from a comparatively poorer and less affluent background will have developed a sense of humility and all the agreeable personality attributes that belong to someone who hasn't had their head turned by materialism, the chief idea for selecting such a partner being she won't cause waves at her in-laws and therefore is less prone to nakhre. That may have been true once upon a time but now is no longer a reality.

So, you either nip this behaviour in the bud at this relatively early stage -- thus preventing a lifetime of hassle and grief for all -- or you allow this behaviour to seed, sprout and grow. I know what route I'd take, and it's not one involving counselling or building a jigsaw puzzle together.

Well you hearing s one sided story to be honest, you don't even know the person and now she is 'animal' and a ''spoilt child" ? What ever happened to empathy , this is the problem with divorce rates within the Sikh community.

[MisterrSingh 3,343]

9 minutes ago, Redoptics said:

Well you hearing s one sided story to be honest, you don't even know the person and now she is 'animal' and a ''spoilt child" ? What ever happened to empathy , this is the problem with divorce rates within the Sikh community.

Until she decides to join the forum and present her case, I can only go by what OP has presented.

I'm not suggesting he should divorce her or even raise his voice to her. Just let her cool off for a while. If she has any common sense, she'll begin to wonder after a few weeks why nobody has called to arrange her journey back to her in-laws. How he deals with her from that point onward will go some way to set the tone for the entire relationship. He'll send a message to her and her family without making a scene or a tamasha of the situation. It's a win-win for all.

[jkvlondon 4,975]

1. the girl is here alone - which will make her defensive

2. she comes from struggle, whereas you come from relative ease - so envy could be an issue also inferiority complex kicks up

3. She may not understand English language fluently or culture (quietness, polite, considerate etc) so feels ill equipped to deal with real world around her.

4. If her posessions are gifts , it is a mistake to just up and convert them , there may have been a sentimental meaning attached to them . Let her decide what she wants to do with them rather than dictating to her.

just ease her into life here by explaining stuff to her , it will be hard no doubt since events have made her cagey but try to hang in there . My bhabhi had similar attitude , very suspicious of everyone's motives for treating her well  , and giving her gifts , talking to her nicely and yes we never asked for daaj or gifts . It was her SIL who trained her to hate her MIL SIL BIL as supposedly we are out to get her . Punjabiyat is such a trap for intelligence , they all end up duffers believing superstitious nonsense

[MisterrSingh 3,343]

On 5/11/2019 at 7:31 PM, dallysingh101 said:

Daym Singh! 

You think fobbing the missus off like that isn't going to create further issues! 

Then, what happens when Ajeet's big 'secret' comes out too. 

Not at all. Didn't his sass expect a visit from the couple? I'm suggesting he take a short break with his wife to the in-laws. Enjoy the break, see the sights, etc. Before departure, he should tell the missus she can stay at her pekhe for a few weeks if she likes. She won't say no. She'll jump at the opportunity. Ajeet should play it chilled, relaxed, and agreeable while in Punjab. He returns to Mumbai, and then he should wait for the inevitable phone call asking him when he'll be arriving to take his missus home. Checkmate. Don't threaten her, don't verbally abuse, heck, don't even lose your temper. Just explain she needs to get her head out of her behind and start behaving herself or she can stay at her parents' indefinitely. This little play requires nerves of steel. If he blinks, he'll lose. If he sees it through to the end, she'll get the message. Job done. No drama, no jaloos, etc.

[dallysingh101 1,729]

1 hour ago, MisterrSingh said:

Not at all. Didn't his sass expect a visit from the couple? I'm suggesting he take a short break with his wife to the in-laws. Enjoy the break, see the sights, etc. Before departure, he should tell the missus she can stay at her pekhe for a few weeks if she likes. She won't say no. She'll jump at the opportunity. Ajeet should play it chilled, relaxed, and agreeable while in Punjab. He returns to Mumbai, and then he should wait for the inevitable phone call asking him when he'll be arriving to take his missus home. Checkmate. Don't threaten her, don't verbally abuse, heck, don't even lose your temper. Just explain she needs to get her head out of her behind and start behaving herself or she can stay at her parents' indefinitely. This little play requires nerves of steel. If he blinks, he'll lose. If he sees it through to the end, she'll get the message. Job done. No drama, no jaloos, etc.

I like that strategic thinking....hehehehe

 

Ain't it a shame that two adults can't just talk it our rationally though.... which I know is neigh on impossible between genders in our community. It's still a shame though. 

Women...Venus, Men mars and all that.....

 

[dallysingh101 1,729]

2 hours ago, jkvlondon said:

1. the girl is here alone - which will make her defensive

2. she comes from struggle, whereas you come from relative ease - so envy could be an issue also inferiority complex kicks up

3. She may not understand English language fluently or culture (quietness, polite, considerate etc) so feels ill equipped to deal with real world around her.

4. If her posessions are gifts , it is a mistake to just up and convert them , there may have been a sentimental meaning attached to them . Let her decide what she wants to do with them rather than dictating to her.

just ease her into life here by explaining stuff to her , it will be hard no doubt since events have made her cagey but try to hang in there . My bhabhi had similar attitude , very suspicious of everyone's motives for treating her well  , and giving her gifts , talking to her nicely and yes we never asked for daaj or gifts . It was her SIL who trained her to hate her MIL SIL BIL as supposedly we are out to get her . Punjabiyat is such a trap for intelligence , they all end up duffers believing superstitious nonsense

We need to hear and factor in this type of stuff too.

[MisterrSingh 3,343]

On 5/11/2019 at 5:58 PM, Ranjeet01 said:

I deplore the dowry system but I wonder if these kind of families sense weakness when a dowry is not demanded from them.

This is exactly what it is. How can you win? Take dowry, and you're a villain, greedy, anti-Sikh, etc. Don't take the dowry, and the bride's family consider the groom and his family to be an easy touch, which then causes the bride to resent the groom for not bleeding her parents dry, and gives rise to niggling issues between various parties. Do people enjoy a boot on their neck, lol?

[Ranjeet01 1,530]

8 hours ago, MisterrSingh said:

This is exactly what it is. How can you win? Take dowry, and you're a villain, greedy, anti-Sikh, etc. Don't take the dowry, and the bride's family consider the groom and his family to be an easy touch, which then causes the bride to resent the groom for not bleeding her parents dry, and gives rise to niggling issues between various parties. Do people enjoy a boot on their neck, lol?

It seems to be that in Punjabi society there is no room to be virtuous. 

They seem to side with evil because it is seen as strength.

Strength over there is conflated with fear.

There is a Machiavellian saying " if there is choice between being loved or feared it is better to be feared"

Like all things Sikh, the correct course of action is to take a middle path.

That is not to take dowry and be fair but if they step out of line, make sure they understand the consequences of their actions.

[MisterrSingh 3,343]

4 minutes ago, Ranjeet01 said:

It seems to be that in Punjabi society there is no room to be virtuous. 

They seem to side with evil because it is seen as strength.

Strength over there is conflated with fear.

There is a Machiavellian saying " if there is choice between being loved or feared it is better to be feared"

Paradoxically, the rabble then flock to holy men who are, to all intents and purposes, docile, spiritual and virtuous. What's the draw of such men if the negative characteristics the public seek in the average man are seen as positives in someone apparently religious? Lol, what a confused bunch.