Can't Tolerate Wife Drinking With 'colleagues'

[_K_]

_K_, when she first told me about that, I was angry. I have been mocked by many people for getting to this age and never giving in to the temptation of women. My dream was always that me and my wife would only know what certain things are like with each other, and no-one else.

for what its worth brother, u have MY respect and im sure the respect of many others here

[DSD]

Thanks, but I just wish she'd have more respect for herself and others (if not me). Don't get me wrong, she has alot going for her, and she is a beautiful, kind, loving person, but sometimes she just doesn't think about her actions, and then she gets over-defensive and kicks off. I find it easier to vent my anger/hurt online anonymously.

[S1ngh]

bruv.. u need marriage counseling for sure

[_K_]

bruv.. u need marriage counseling for sure

they'r not even married yet!

but u seriously have 2 talk 2 her, its better u talkin 2 her abt it- i no u promised not 2 bring it up- but u wudnt be doing it just 4 th sake of it... its better then u comin online and puttin details of her personal life up on th net 4 th hole world 2 c..dont u think??

hope it works out 4 u both

[DSD]

The reason I come on the net is that no-one knows me or her here, so while I'm putting personal stuff here, no-one knows who we are. I/She could be anyone. I can't talk about this to anyone in real life.

[Khalsa4ever]

Waheguroo jee ka Khalsa!

Waheguroo jee kee Fateh!

So you knew she has this problem, and yet you are the one who agreed, and now you complain?

You gotta make a choice. Put your foot down, and don't settle for anything else. Either stop drinking, or the gig is up.

Because if she won't even give up alcohol for you, what makes you think she is willing to put the effort into a marriage?

Waheguroo jee ka Khalsa!

Waheguroo jee kee Fateh!

[chandanjit kaur]

Waheguroo jee ka Khalsa!

Waheguroo jee kee Fateh!

So you knew she has this problem, and yet you are the one who agreed, and now you complain?

You gotta make a choice. Put your foot down, and don't settle for anything else. Either stop drinking, or the gig is up.

Because if she won't even give up alcohol for you, what makes you think she is willing to put the effort into a marriage?

Waheguroo jee ka Khalsa!

Waheguroo jee kee Fateh!

WJKK WJKF

very well said ji.....and ive never seen dat before....da wife drinks yet da husband duzint....wow....and veerji....i know u dun wanna treat ur wife like a child and all dat.....but if ye dun like her drinking....tell her that u dun like it....it could have a very big effect on ur future children...and plus if she drinks while shes pregnant....who knows wat could happen ji.....i dunno....this was ur choice....why complain now veerji?...u should be confident with the choice u have made for this marraige...cuz even though it is very common nowadaiz....second marraige aint good either......i dunno veerji....ask guru ji wats rite....das da answer u'll have to listen to....waheguru

WJKK WJKF

[buddasingh]

Would you get out of the marriage if your parents had not spent the money and it was not already scheduled? If the answer is even possibly yes, then you need to consider postponing it asap to sort things out.

The fact that you promised her dad that you would not back out, means little when the dad does not know his own daughter. She needs a committed father before she's ready for a husband. He would be better off having you back out before the marriage then afterward. You are saving everybody involved potentially much greater pain and heartache if you postpone the marriage to sort things out.

The money is not needed for the marriage. Tell your own parents that you will pay them back and don't need a penny for any wedding. They have not done you any service by suggesting that you have to marry a jatt.

I would love to be at an anand karag which is not a financial production, but very simple with a very simple langar. You are going to be spending a lifetime with the person, it does not make a difference how much is spent for a production.

Talk to her and tell her that you need to sort out some issues. You have some legitimate concerns, but they are also made worse by illegitimate attitudes. I will explain.

First VOLUNTEER yourself to go to counseling. You need counseling as do about 95% of punjabi males. Your previous thread went on and on about the status of a virgin woman as if a woman was an object. It was very sad to see how she seemed to admit her mistakes and pain, but you saw her as forever tainted. Your own attitude toward women is probably exacerbating a legitimate problem. Tell her you will volunteer to go to counseling to see that you are not a controlling and sexist husband. If possible find a counselor educated about punjabi culture.

Then tell her that you have two choices one is to be brave enough to deal with minor disruption now. The other choice is to risk major pain for many people for years to come. Marriages are not easy and don't feel bad about needing to sort things out, it happens more often than we think.

You're in a very difficult situation with respect to drinking with guys as most women who drink would see that as controlling. Because of this, you could be seen as the new strict father and she may be even more determined to drink. If you are going for counseling, it will give her hope as to your purpose for not wanting her to drink is not to control her. The real problem is not drinking with guys, but drinking itself.

Would she choose drinking over you? Ask her that question. Also ask her directly if she thinks you are being controlling with this issue. You do not want her to make a single concession where she thinks you are being controlling. Listen to her, and talk to her. Do not try to convince her as she has to convince herself about her choices.

Be strong, maintain perspective. It will be easier if you keep in mind that life is not about making right or wrong decisions, it is about making best decisions.

[SSM]

The advice given above was good but one thing I will disagree on is that he sees women as an object, he simply wants a virgin because he is one.

Although he has accepted that she is not one and he has learnt to forgive her for this one.

Putting her life story on the net but changing her name doesn't change what you did, you still went and told a lot of people.

It's perhaps not wrong because it's helping you to ask for help.

You need to decide what YOU want from your life and whether you are getting that here? Ask God, go Gurdwara!

[sikh supreme]

What he is asking for is advice and people to talk to because he feels let down and no avenue to express himself cos he dont want to hurt the girl he supposed to marry by bringing up the past.

Virginity is important factor when we decide for life partners, it is the most important gift a husband and wife can give to each other when they are wed. Showing their love and commitment and how much they value the person that they have abstained from sexual relationships with anyone else prior to them meeting.

If he wasnt a virgin himself it would not be an issue as it is now. And as especially as cultuarly for punjabi/indian women to loose their virginity before marriage is a taboo in our community.... its even harder for guys to accept a girl who is not virgin while he has saved himself from temptation.

I did suggested he look for a virgin wife when he first posted in a previous thread because he would regret hooking up with this gal knowing from experience the type of girls that he has fallen for. I didnt like the sound of her at the time cos usually these so called "modern independant girls" drink then get into situations of sexual nature and blame everyone else but themselves for what happens and strangely enough still continue to drink and hang out in places where they could fall into the same situations.

Generally speaking, if you people have any ounce of self-respect for youselves then do not get into relationships with people of loose characters to begin with.